I awoke sometime later. Judging by the dim orange light that filtered through the shattered windows, it was now nearly nightfall. It was strange to see the same stone ceiling I had grown up waking up to once again. Now, it felt like a lifetime had passed in little more than half a year.
With nightfall soon, I knew I would need to leave soon to avoid any rogue Vlansovian soldiers that might be passing through, searching for stragglers. Even worse, they may still be searching for me.
Greta sat in a chair across the room. Her hair was disheveled, her clothing ripped and dirty from the fight just hours before. She somehow seemed even more slight than the last time I saw her, perhaps a result of the scarcity that conflict often brought.
Despite the anger I felt towards her for leaving me, it was outweighed significantly by the concern I felt for her wellbeing. There was no way to know for sure how I could coax out of her what she had been through the past few months.
I sat up and climbed out of the bed.
Greta stood, anxiously gripping at the hem of her jacket as she looked at me. When I said nothing, she spoke up.
"Are you feeling better now that you've had some rest?" She asked.
"I thought you were going to be gone when I woke up," I said bitterly, turning away from her. "You seemed committed to abandoning me again before I fell asleep."
Her face fell further into worry, her barely visible eyebrows coming together in concern.
"No. Of course not." She said quietly. "I love you. I wouldn't ever leave you in a vulnerable position alone."
I reached a hand over and placed it on the tattered edge of the other side of the bed.
"You didn't even sleep beside me." my fingers tightened into a fist, balling up the fabric.
"I did." She said, "It was hard. I'm hungry and you... you smell just as good as you ever have. I also needed to keep watch so we weren't ambushed. Surely you can understand that."
I said nothing, and instead winced and turned away from her as I started to braid my hair.
"You're angry with me," she spoke up. I heard her boots against the stone floor as she crept closer, something which felt like a dagger twisting in my heart.
"You left me. On purpose. Out of your own will." I said, stopping her with my words. "I thought it couldn't have been true, and yet it was."
I told you.
I ignored the goddess. She didn't need to rub my heartbreak in. It's not like it would change anything.
"Judith, I'm trying to keep you safe. I want to be a better person, and I feel like part of that is depriving myself of the things I selfishly want if those things put you in danger."
"If you want to be a better person, let me decide what is best for me," I said. "I can handle myself. Do you know how many nights I sat alone and longed for you? How often I wondered if all that mattered to you was whether or not you had access to my body, and that's why you abandoned me?"
She shook her head.
"Judith- no- I would never."
"If you leave me again, I won't forgive you, Greta." I said, "I needed you- I needed you and you weren't there. I need you still. I won't be able to cope if you leave. I'll be forced to- to somehow find a way to rid you of my thoughts."
I can help with that.
Can I not have one single private conversation? I snapped back at her.
The outcome of your interactions with her is vital information for me.
I can't imagine why.
I have my own concerns to watch out for. She clarified.
What is that supposed to mean?
"They'll know if I don't come back. I don't want to risk it." Greta said, pulling me away from my conversation with the goddess. "I don't want to lead them to you."
"Then you instead risk losing me," I said. "I can't take any more heartache from being away from you."
"Judith, please." She whispered.
"When I was sitting there, crying in the ashes and ruin of my homeland, all I wanted was to be able to hold your hand," I said. "And you weren't there for me. If you are not there to be my home, what do I have left?"
There was a choked sob, and I glanced up at her for the first time. I hadn't seen her cry often. I knew she wasn't the type.
"Judith- I am." She paused to catch her breath. "I am doing my best to make up for the wrongs I have done to you in the past. I know it is pitiful of me, but the thing I long for most is your approval and adoration."
"I didn't ask you to perform acts of self-flagellation in my honor. What's been done is done, and there's no way to change it." I said. "You didn't have to leave me to have my approval. It was already yours."
"I know that most people view me as altogether unworthy of the affections of someone like you. I'm just some libertine fool, with no regard for how my actions might affect others. I want you to see me as more than that."
I walked to the window and peered out through the shattered glass. A good amount of dust still covered the city, and it was just as quiet as the day we'd first arrived. On the nearby corner, there was an overturned cart, rotten fruit scattered on the ground.
It hurt to admit to myself, but I knew at this point, the Alexandria I had known was gone. The city would never return to how it had once been.
"If you're a selfish hedonistic fool, then I suppose I'm nothing more than a prudish, legalistic zealot."
I placed my hand on the one unbroken panel of glass that remained, feeling the warmth from the summer sun.
"Judith, I- the night I watched you die haunts me. I feel like I must do everything I can to... to keep further harm from you. If the army gets you, they won't just kill you. They will make you suffer."
I pulled my hand away, frowning down at the floor.
"Fine."
There was a long pause between us, and I kept my eyes downcast.
"Do you no longer love me?" She choked out.
I looked up to face her with a frown.
"Greta, I never said that."
She stood there, tears running down her cheeks, barely able to collect herself.
"But you resent me." She said, "You must. There was a time when I promised you that you wouldn't regret it if you let yourself love me."
"I do not resent you and I do not regret loving you."
She sat on the edge of the bed and buried her face in her hands.
"I don't feel that way."
I walked over and sat beside her, placing my hand on her back.
"Greta, are you alright?"
"Please- I'm sorry. Forgive my behavior. The past few months have been very difficult for me and I know I shouldn't burden you with my troubles. You have your own-"
"Greta-"
She flinched away.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize," I said. "Please just try to calm down. I'm here."
It hurt to not be able to grab her hand. It hurt to have to be careful as I grabbed her head and pressed it to my chest. It hurt when I saw on the back of her neck that I had burned her despite my best efforts.
After a moment, her sobs became less frequent, and she reached an arm out to squeeze me back. I wanted so badly to run my fingers through her short blonde hair, but without my gloves, I held back.
"I feel like we hurt on the inside in such opposing ways, that the pieces of our hearts fit perfectly together," I said. "I need you with me for the balance you bring."
I felt the goddess when I spoke. It was like she had something to say but abruptly cut herself off from me in a panic. I could tell something about my words stirred her.
What is it? Are you angry that I've reconnected with her? I prodded. Was it something I said?
There was an unusually long pause before I heard her speak.
You may do as you please.
Are you sure I haven't said something to upset you?
You have your own free will.
Concern still flooded my chest, but I pushed it away for the time being. I had more pressing concerns at the moment, notably convincing Greta to come back to the others with me.
It seemed she was much more unstable at the moment than I had initially realized. Maybe my anger at her was somewhat misplaced.
Maybe she needed my comfort more than anything right now.
"Please come with me. I want to keep you safe too, Greta." I gave her one last squeeze. "I love you."
"Okay." She said. "I love you too."