♡♡March♡♡
From drizzling to downpour came the rain beating against my windshield as I strain my eyes to see where I am going. The wiper is doing it's job but the raindrops are heavy and the thunder makes it more scarier.
mi nuh like drive in a rain enu...
Slowly and carefully, I drive on the road praying for the rain to at least subside until I reach to my parents house. My body starts to quiver because of the weather and the AC, so I turn the AC down. I take the longer route so I could stop at the border to get something to eat but base on the condition of the rain, I don't know how possible that is.
Cah wet up mi self and get sick rite now... dhis ya pregnancy is already a sickness and I can't wait to push dhis child out of mi.
mi body juss a ruin suh wid di weight gain kmt...
I still believe that I made a good chose to keep this child because I see that Sanjay is starting to care about me again and it's only a matter of time for him to get back in fully. He's mine and I will make sure to do everything in my power to have him for my baby and myself.
The drive to my parents house was a bit long and challenging in the pouring rain but I made it safe. With my keys, I open up the garage door then drive inside and park among the other vehicles.
As soon as my feet touch the floor, I feel my body trembling and I hurry inside. The warmness of the house engulf me immediately and I smile.
"Mommy! Daddy!" I called out from the bottom of the stairs.
In ya silent bra, like AJ nuh deh ya mhon...
I carefully stroll up the stairs not wanting what happened before to repeat itself.
Affi keep Sanjay baby safe...
As I walks pass AJ's section, I peep my head inside and seeing that it's empty as I thought. I then continue on the stairs to the next floor where my parents master bedroom is.
"Ackeem, dhat happened ages ago and mi nuh wah memba bout it suh plz juss lef it" I heard my mother soft voice pleading with my father.
"Mi mek a promise tuh you Kayla and mi ago fullfil it" Dad replied in a deadly tone.
"Ackeem plea- Indie" Mommy eyes shift to me and she quickly wipe her tears with the back of her palm.
"Mi think yuh neva bada a cum enu Indie" Dad turn around to me with a smile on his face.
How him change mood suh quick?
"Wapm? Why mommy a cry?" I asked letting in myself inside of their room.
"Nothing fi yuh worry bout Princess.... how mi grand baby" He quickly change the topic as he eye my still flat stomach.
"Healthy" I answered short. "Mommy you good?" I walk over to her and join her on the bed.
"Yes" she muttered while glaring at my father.
"Indie, mi wah give yuh a talk tuh" Dad said joining us on the bed.
I shift over for him to have more space while looking between him and my mother confuse.
Clearly they are worked up about something and I am eager to know what it is and what they have to talk to me about.
"What is it?" I asked turning to my father.
"We want yuh fi move back ya fi a while" he stare at his wife dead in the eye before shifting his eyes to mine.
"What? Why? Uncle Nelly said I can stay as long as I want up there" I stare between then quizzically.
"Indiana we know that but sometimes it's good to listen. We need you back in the house or yuh guh back to new york" Mommy spoke sternly.
Shi think mi a still child weh shinxan order fi do dhis and dhat? Kmt
"I can't do that mommy" I protested as I jump on my feet. "I can't leave Sanjay and I will not have my baby without him being present" I argued.
"Sweatheart, yuh know mi always mek yuh have yuh ways nuh true?" Dad spoke and I slowly nod. "Good, di ooman Sanjay a link wid, mi nuh wah yuh nuh weh near har suh listen to weh wi a seh and move back ya fi a while" he said seriously
Supm nuh rite.... Dad wouldn't be so press on this suh... a weh da gyal deh up to weh scare mi parent suh?
"Daddy mi nuh fraid a har enu" I laughed dryly. "Daddy wah really a gwaan?" I asked because this is really strange
"Tell har" Mommy said staring at Dad and he let out a loud sigh.
"Siddung back" He told me and I obliged.
_________
🎶Tears are words only God understand they say my brother things will get better.. I am still here in the place you've left, never to return, heaven is on reserve.. I wanna rest in peace, rest in peace, goodbye fly high RIP, rest in peace...🎶
Tears continuously stream down my face as I skip through the tiktok video that Stacy created with Jamar's video's and pictures. It feels so surreal to know that he is no longer among the living but is on the cold ice preparing to be burry under the earth this coming Saturday.
🎶Yo, Zum
I've dreamed about my own death
Which makes me appreciate life more
I've also had dreams about my own life
Which makes me appreciate death more
Gone away, yeah
Gone away, yeah, yeah, yeah🎶
It's had been two weeks since he have passed and I can't bring myself to be honest with our daughter on to the reasons for her father's absent from her life.
She have been questioning it and I have been avoiding it but how long can I do that for. It's like he have been showing up to her because for almost every night from then until now, she been crying for her father and saying he is looking sad and won't talk to her.
More warm tears slide down my cheeks as I imagine her at her father's funeral and knowing she will not see him again.
Mi neva wah shi fi guh thru all dhat enu but dhem a seh shi affi go cross over him casket fi him no cum round har... Jamicans and their myths...
He will miss her birthday next month, something that he have always been present for to make her happy and he will also miss his daughter first graduation. We didn't get along but he was a good father to her and I'm really going to miss him..
mi miss di problem him give and di toxic relationship wi have... him neva deserve death so soon...
"B, nuh bada wid that again" Sanjay voice out as he pull the phone from my hand and exit the tiktok videos.
"She a sleep?" I look up at him as I try to stop the tears.
Because Talia wasn't getting enough sleep at my house base on her nightly crying, Sanjay suggested that we stay her and it have been a really good choice because for the pass two nights, she have been sleeping alright.
"Yes and yuh need fi get some sleep too" He said, putting the phone away before turning his attention back to me.
"Mi nuh wah sleep" I sobbed quietly as I stared out of space.
mi neva experience nuh body weh dead suh close to mi and it a fuck mi up wikid
"Mi nuh wah hear dhat enu, yuh nuh wah eat, yuh nuh wah sleep...,. Fi siddung and bawl nite and day nah go help enu B" He place his hands under my body and lift me up bridal style. "Mi nah go watch yuh fuck up yuhself enu becaz di baby cah loose di two a unu" He muttered as he walks with me to the room.
I rest my head on his chest, feeling comfort in hearing his heart beat. He have been so supportive to us but here I am giving him a hard time, crying because of another man. He place me down gently on the bed and the moment my eyes gaze over Talia, the tears came back even harder.
"Shi nuh deserve this Jay" I cried out softly as I caresses her cheeks.
mi kno di absent a Jamar ago mess har up becaz dhem share a bond deh we shi not even share wid mi...
"Shhh, mi know baby but yuh affi be strong fi har" He sits beside me on the bed while trying to soothing me. "Kay di bawling bawling nah go help enu and mi nuh like how yuh look... A sick ya sick out yuhself fi nah eat or sleep enu B, yuh cah a suck dung yuh self suh B" He hissed lowly as he continue to soothing me.
"Mi a try Jay but it hard... weh mi ago tell Talia seh" I look up at him for answers while clearing the tears from my eyes.
"A mawning wi think bout dhat Babes, right now yaffi get some sleep" He kissed my forehead and stand on his feet.
"Nuh leave wi, mi wah yuh sleep wid mi tonite" I sobbed quietly while reaching for his hand.
If him leave mi juss ago bawl ole nite
"Ok baby" He pull up the sheet more and lay beside me.
He pull me up into his arms and I rest my head on his arms while I allow him to comfort me. This is one of the hardest task that I have ever have to go through in my life not even the absent of my father was this challenging like to know that my daughter of to go through the same thing..
Di moment my fada cum around, shi loose fi har... Suh unfair...
The ringing of Sanjay phone catches my attention and he hissed his teeth before dropping it back down on the bedside table. It continue ringing and he silence it then place it back down.
"Suppose a sumpm wrong wid har, remember shi pregnant" I peer up at him to see him looking bothered.
"Nothing nuh do Indiana, shi juss torment and shi deh a har ppl dhem suh shi gud" He hissed his teeth and set me in a more comfortable position in his arms.
"Mi more worry bout yuh getting back to yuh self and start eat up B" his eyes fill with worries and concern. "Nuh wah di lil flesh drop off a yuh enu b" He chuckled and I laugh.
"I'm sorry" I whispered, lowering my gaze from him.
"Sorry for what baby?" He tilt my head up to look up at him.
"Fi a bawl fi Jamar while being with yuh" I gnaw on my nails feeling some type of guiltiness.
"Mi nuh feel no way bout dhat b, A yuh baby fada enu and mi couldn't expect yuh fi have a cold heart towards his death despise a unu bad relationship. All mi feel a way tuh enu and mi know how Talia ago feel because mi go through it but shi ago get it harder becaz shi have been around him and dhem did really close" Tears slip from my eyes at the thought but I try to hold them back in.
With one of his thumb, he clear my tears away while saying comforting things to calm me. It will be hard and it will be a rough phrase but I have to pick up myself and be strong for Talia.
Mi alone shi have now...
___________
The strong, sweet scent of cologne tickle my nostrils as I walks out of the bathroom, the sweet fragrance pulls me towards my bedroom.
Mi baby a sweet up fi mi thou...
Opening the door, I scan over Kacian body puzzled about the fact that she is fully dress in a army greeb cargo pants, a white blouse and a pair of fuzzy white sandals on her feet.
Shi a go out and mi nuh know bout eh!
Her hair is place neatly into a low ponytail, she smile at me as she place the cologne bottle down on the dresser and starts adding her gold jewelries.
"Weh ya go B?" I lean against the door, with my hands tuck into my short pockets.
"Memba mi tell yuh mi ago meet mi fada todeh" she turn to look at me as she put her earrings in.
Hissing my teeth, I lean off of the door and walk over to the bed with a frown on my face. This woman don't know this man from nowhere but she in eager to go on meet him. I get that she wants to find out if he's her father for real but it's just too strange to me.
Afta 23years, why a now him cum back...
"Suh b, yuh really ago meet man weh yuh nuh know?" I hissed my teeth as I glare at her through the mirror.
"Jay mi finally a meet mi fada, be supportive nuh" She hissed her teeth as she center the heart pendant on her necklace.
"Aright sa, mi a cum" I rise off the bed and move to where my clothes is to change.
"Jay no, mi and Talia one will g-
"Yuh and who?" I narrowed my eyes at her.
"Talia B, mi wah shi meet her grandfada" she turn to look at me.
"Yuh cah ago meet stranga and bring the baby Kay, ya fi learn fi think enu B, suppose di man a nuh who him seh him be and even if he is, yuh nuh think it beta yuh go meet him fuss before dragging him into di baby life" She let out a loud sigh and flop down on the bed.
"But who ago keep har Jay, mi affi bring her wid mi" She sigh stressfully.
"Weh yuh mean who ago keep har? Mi nuh deh ya and yuh nuh wah mi backa yuh suh mi will keep har until yuh cum back" I join her on the bed. "If yuh feel comfortable" I added.
She's very skeptical about her daughter which I understand especially in a time like this where she just lost her father. I just don't think she should just drag that man into Talia's life before getting to know him, it's not my place to go against it but that's just my honest advice.
mi not even feel gud shi ago meet him eitha and nuh know ntn bout him...
"Mi nuh wah burden yuh no mor-
"Don't use the word burden to me Kacian, hear mi seh weh mi do fi yuh and Talia a no burden nor bother to me... stop piss mi off mhon" I let out a loud hiss, kicking my slides off and lay on my back with my hand covering my face.
"Alrite mi nah stay long and call mi if anything" She gets on her feet and stare down at me.
"Weh ya go meet him?" I remove my hand from my eyes and look up at her.
"Up a di café weh we did go upstairs bank house mall" She announced, reaching for her white cross bag.
Dhat nuh bad, closer to di station dhat...
"Yuh have money?" I asked her and she nodd.
"Ok. make sure yuh call mi if yuh feel uncomfortable enu" I told her as I sit up straight.
"I will and please take care of Talia for me" She lean down and peck my lips once which wasn't enough for me, so I grip her nape and pull her lips to meet mine where I kissed off her lip gloss.
She grumbled about it then add on some more before we walk out to the living room where Talia is fully dress and watching cartoon.
She jump on her small feet when she see her mother approaching her and the moment she hear that she's not going with her, her eyes tears up.
"Mommy won't stay long mama" Kacian try to reason with her.
"Mommy, I want to come" She cried while tugging on her mother's legs.
Kacian look up at me with tears in her eyes then back to her daughter who is crying. She told her about her father's death which she some what understand, it clear that it's affecting her and she have been clingy to her mother ever since.
"Do you want Milkshake Talia?" I asked stooping to her level.
"Yes" She nod her head with a small smile.
"Ok, do you want to get it with me while mommy go out and join us back?" I cooed and she grab onto her mommy legs tighter.
"I want mommy to come too, I don't want mommy to leave me too like daddy did" she pouted, leaning her head on her mother's legs.
Tears slip from Kacian eyes and she quickly turn her head away to hide it.
"Ok lets us all go together then" I told her and she smiled.
Kacian stare at me quizzically while lifting Talia into her arms.
"We ago together, get her the milkshake then we leave suh yuh can have time wid di man" I whispered into her ears.
"My father, Sanjay" she rolled her eyes at me.
"Mhmm" I hummed as I left them to go on change.
Fada mi foot.. afta so many years and a now him a crawl back kmt...
Mi nah too seh ntn becaz mi would a love if mi get di change fi meet fi mi own... but him nuh dead...
_______________________
Carefully, I lift Talia out of the car and walk her inside of the house where I place her on the bed so she can sleep more comfortable.
It was a challenge to leave without her mother but gladly, she calms down when I bring her into a store and told her to pick something she likes in the toy section.
She pick up a lot of things that I know she won't even play with all of them but for her to calm down and feel better, that's what helps.
I take her sneakers off and socks then turn the fan on before walking out to the car to get out her stuffs.
The moment I get outside and my eyes glare at the red car parked up infront of my gate, I feel my spirit suddenly get irritated.
"I have been calling you" Indiana spoke as she enter the car porch as if she's the owner of this house.
weh shi a do ya.... mi cah deal wid di problem enu mhon...
"Yuh cah stay ya enu, Kacian soon cum and mi nuh want shi cum see yuh ya" I told her as I remove the large, pink fluffy teddy for Talia from the back seat.
"Excuse me! Sanjay are you aware that I am carrying your child and I should come first right now" She snapped at me.
"My relationship and my child will come first, not you Indiana" I glare at her before walking off inside of the house to place the teddy bear down.
When I return to the car to get the other stuffs, she's still standing there glaring at me like a rage bull ready to attack.
"Tell mi something" I stand by the car door and rest my hand on the top of it while looking over at her. "You sick? supm wrong wid di baby? nobody dead?" I asked staring at her attentively.
"No weh ya ask mi all ad-
"Good, suh weh yuh still a do ya... hear mi seh mi know wah Kacian come see yuh ya" I grimaced as I lean into the car to get the other stuffs.
"I don't give fuck about her coming here and seeing me Sanjay and you won't give a fuck about her either when I tell you what I came to say" She lean up against my car with a sneer on her face.
Closing the door, I walk over to the veranda chairs and place the stuffs on them before turning my attention back to Indiana.
"Tell mi wah?" I narrowed my eyes at her.
If shi and har daddy eva plan ntn and do ntn to Kay, dhem see wah tek place....
"Invite me in first" She lean forward off the car with a sly smile plaster on her lips. "I'm thirsty" She added.
"Indiana a wah yuh really deh pon?" I glare at her suspiciously.
mi nuh chuss har...
She hiss her teeth while walking off inside of the house. Quickly, I pick up the remaining of Talia things then enter the house where I see Indiana coming from the direction of my bedroom. Her eyes shift to the toys before landing on me with a scowl on her face.
"Yuh turn daddy now? Suh shi move in now?" She cross her hands under her chest as she stared at me .
"Dhat a nuh yuh bizniz, weh yuh cum ya fa?" I asked, eager to hear what she have to say.
"She and her child need to leave Sanjay, you need to cut that girl off" She walks up to me and I step back.
"Cut her off fi wah, thru yuh?" I laughed dryly.
"And because the man she is with right now is the man that raped my mother with his brother and not just that but he's also responsible for shooting up my dad an....
My lips parted to interrupt whats she's saying but she beats me to it.
"And killed your father" She finish off and my eyes widen.
"Weh yuh seh?" I asked to make sure my ears are working properly.
"It's the true baby, my father told me the entire story about her father... He's a rapist and a murderer Sanjay.... Kacian Father is the reason why your's isn-
"Indiana tap eh noise!" I shouted as her as I tried to call Kacian but her phone went straight to voice mail.
If she is telling the truth then Kacian could be out there with a man like that, that she knows nothing about. Indiana talking fade away the moment I walks out on the veranda to get a breath of fresh air and starts calling Kacian phone over and over.
Mi tell har fi neva rass go meet nuh fucking man enu and now mi nah get har fucking phone...
"See that man out there, he is my baby's father ok little girl, your's is dead and you can't have her's" My head snap back inside of the house as I hear Indiana harsh words while rubbing her stomach and Talia crying.
"Mommy! Mommy!" Talia cried out, rubbing her sleepy eyes.
Reaching to her, I lift her up in one hand while I use the other hand to escort Indiana out of my house. The anger inside of me cause me to ignore her wincing about hurting het hand, right through the main gate I push her out and close up the gate.
"I want mommy!" Talia continue throwing tantrums while I try my best to calm her down.
"Sanjay yuh betta be glad seh mi wah mi child fi have a father else daddy would a hear about this!" Indiana screamed from over the gate..
"Mommy will be back soon" I leaned Talia's head on my shoulder, ignoring Indiana cursing outside.
My hearts is pounding inside of my chest hard as I think of Kacian being out there with a man like that. I don't know if I should believe Indiana but I rather be sure than sorry, so I jump into my car with Talia to go get her mother.
Hope shi deh same place...
In less than five minutes I made it in the town, with Talia in my arms, I rush up the stairs to the café. My head starts spinning as I scan around the room and see no sign of her.
muss joke dhis... Di world cah suh cruel to Talia!
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THANK YOU FOR READING!!!!!!!!
I lost the first copy so I have to re-write the entire thing so I hope it was ok....