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Shi Qingxuan was feeling extremely miserable.
Chugging four glasses full of wine had not been one of her wisest decisions. She stumbled towards the parking lot, trying her best to clear the drunken haze out of her mind. Her stomach churned painfully and she felt slightly nauseous, but that was more out embarrassment than simply being drunk. What the heck had she even been doing so far?! He Xuan had been constantly rejecting her advances the entire day... no, he had been rejecting her since day one! It was a hard pill to digest. She had never considered the possibility that the man she was into would end up disliking her.
She was good looking, outgoing, and her friends said that she was pretty likable. Then why?! As much as it hurt her feelings, she supposed she could make peace with the fact that He Xuan did not, and would not ever, romantically like her.
That was fine. What hurt her more was realising that her very existence was something bothersome to him. Her eyes stung as she recalled a hundred different instances where He Xuan had been visibly uncomfortable by her forward behaviour. For the first time, her usually confident steps faltered.
God damn it, I need more wine!
Sensing that something was wrong He Xuan, who had been walking briskly in front of her, stopped. He turned around to check on her but Shi Qingxuan was too lost in her thoughts too notice him.
She felt her head hit against something firm and hard. Cool hands wrapped around her, steadying her by her shoulders.
She had bumped into He Xuan.
Shi Qingxuan tried to clear the drunken fog from her mind and opened her mouth to apologise. The distinct smell of He Xuan's cologne, one that always reminded her of the sea, fried the last of her coherent thoughts.
The two of them were standing too close, closer than she had ever dared to be. As he spoke, Shi Qingxuan felt his breath against the top of her head. All she had to do was lean up a bit, and He Xuan's lips would press against her forehead.
"Shi Qingxuan?" he breathed, his voice sounding slightly muffled. He rarely ever called her out by her name. Hearing it always made her heart flutter in ways that she was now too old for.
"You had-"
He faltered mid sentence. Shi Qingxuan belatedly realised that she had subconsciously snuggled her head against his chest. Her eyes flew wide open and she promptly put some distance between them. At least the shock had been enough to sober her up a little.
"You had too much wine," He Xuan continued while avoiding her eyes. "Wait in the car. I'll go look for Hua Cheng and Xie Lian."
Ah I see, Shi Qingxuan's lips wobbled. Her heart was still beating erratically from their earlier close proximity. That's an indirect way of you trying to get rid of me.
It was fine, really. She was not going to make this harder than she already had for the both of them.
She nodded once and flashed her most reassuring smile, and all but ran inside the car. If He Xuan found her reaction abnormal, he did not mention it.
She sat inside and quickly texted Xie Lian to make haste. He was not online. Growing more concerned, she called him but to no avail. It seemed that his phone was switched off. Knowing Xie Lian's luck and his knack to attract misfortune, Shi Qingxuan couldn't help but worry.
With a sigh, she stared out of the window in silence. She startled as the driver's side of the door opened. He Xuan bent over and peeked in, the little fish pendant that he wore glinted in the moonlight. Perhaps it was due to the softer lighting, but his features looked gentler than they usually did.
"You forgot something?" Shi Qingxuan asked, wondering if her cheerful tone sounded as artificial as it felt. He Xuan merely looked at her for a moment, before leaning in his seat and fiddling with some buttons. A moment later, cool air rushed in and helped clear a little of her mind's haze. He had turned on the air conditioner.
"It is a warm night," He Xuan explained, somewhat stiffly. Shi Qingxuan almost smiled. His awkwardness had always been adorable to her.
"Ah... it really is, thank you."
Shi Qingxuan waited impatiently for him to leave. He did not. Gosh, can a girl not even feel miserable in peace?! He shuffled around awkwardly in his seat some more, and picked out a bottle of some kind of drink.
"Coconut water?" Shi Qingxuan read the label out loud as He Xuan handed it to her.
"Yes, keep hydrated. It helps."
With that, he turned around and left. Shi Qingxuan stared dumbly at the bottle in her hand for a long time, before uncapping it and taking a sip.
It was a bit warm, but it soothed her parched throat nonetheless. Soon she had finished the entire bottle, and with each sip her feelings got even more messier.
While it was true that he often acted indifferent towards her, she still had trouble believing that he did not care about her at all.
Shi Qingxuan had always been watching him after all.
Watching too closely to miss the subtle softening of his gaze when they fell on her. Or how hard he would try to not laugh at her stupid jokes. And that despite his complaining, he would always listen to her ramblings. It all had to mean something, right?
She laughed derisively at herself. Getting so worked up over the bare minimum, real smart Qingxuan!
Dejected, she slumped her head against the window and wondered why she had fallen so deeply for such a man.
Well, she had always been into tired looking, grumpy and stoic older men. This particular description was not very tasteful, and it often elicited weird reactions from her friends. But it was true, as all of her fictional crushes so far could attest. Levi Ackerman, Nanami Kento... the list went on and on. Which was why she had found herself struck speechless the first time she saw He Xuan, almost a year ago.
.
It had been raining heavily.
Shi Qingxuan decided to bunk her classes that afternoon. It was not an important lecture anyways. Just a photography class she had joined for fun.
She had the time of her life running around in the downpour and jumping over the little puddles when she noticed someone running into the corridor. The sound of wet shoes against the stone tiles was particularly loud.
Her legs half way into another puddle, she turned around to find a man who was equally as drenched as her, but he looked far more dignified in comparison.
Shi Qingxuan internally cried at the unfairness of it all. It was just her luck to run into a hot guy while she was frolicking around in the muddy, black waters.
The man's black, now wet, shirt was stuck snuggly against his chest. Beads of water droplets rolled down his thick eyelashes, tracing the sharp contours of his face. His hair was tied back in a high ponytail, the tight hairdo made his features look sharper than they already were.
A few loose strands stuck to his forehead and neck. Shi Qingxuan had the stupid urge to brush them away and trace the lingering water droplets with her fingers. His eyes were pitch black, endlessly deep. His gaze was sharp and piercing, and Shi Qingxuan felt giddy from the strange intensity of their eye contact.
The man looked more dead than alive, his dark circles contrasted heavily with the sickly pallor of his skin. Shi Qingxuan's heart fluttered harder than it ever had before. She did not know a thing about poetry, but she felt like she could pen down a line or two about this handsome stranger.
The man in question held her gaze with an odd expression for ten whole seconds, looking more dumbstruck than Shi Qingxuan felt. Could it be that the poor man was already falling for her charms?! The thought made her happy, and she silently celebrated the little feat.
Unnoticed by her, the man's dark eyes flashed briefly with recognition and something... unreadable. He quickly schooled his expression before nodded curtly. With that, he turned around and started to briskly walk away.
Shi Qingxuan had barely enough time to feel self conscious, her target was escaping after all! She quickly ran over to catch up to him.
"Hey!" she called out. "You're new around here, aren't you? Do you need help?"
The man slowly turned around to face her. His expression was... odd. He looked contemplative, as if he was thinking hard about something. Undeterred, Shi Qingxuan strolled confidently forward, trying to ignore the odd squelching sounds her wet sandals made against the tiles. She stopped a few steps away from him and rummaged through her bag.
"Here," she fished out two thick towels. She handed one to the man, and wrapped the other around her own shoulders. The man watched her silently the entire time.
"I always carry at least two towels with me," Shi Qingxuan explained proudly, even though he had not even asked her anything. The man looked at her, his gaze calculating.
Shi Qingxuan was too busy toweling her long hair to notice his odd expression.
Her brows furrowed, and nose scrunched up in concentration as she quickly patted her face too. The man's initially wary eyes softened ever so slightly.
"Thank you," he finally let out. His voice was quiet and deep, exceedingly pleasing to the ears. Shi Qingxuan flushed as she suddenly remember her ulterior motives behind approaching the man.
"You can return the towel to me later!"
Now you'll have to meet me again, haha! She was quite proud of her quick and strategic thinking. The man was still quiet, and Shi Qingxuan internally reasoned that he probably was still tongue tied at the sight of her.
"Shi Qingxuan, from the design department!" she beamed at him.
At that, something in the man's expression shifted. His black eyes cleared, the earlier softness vanishing. Yet another detail that Shi Qingxuan unknowingly missed.
"He Xuan, from the law department," he replied, his voice as quiet as ever.
She went back to her shared apartment that day, with a stupid smile plastered on her pretty face. The weekend passed as it usually did, and Shi Qingxuan returned to the university the following week with more enthusiasm than was appropriate for a Monday.
"Hello," a quiet voice murmured. Shi Qingxuan jumped in fright.
"Ah He Xuan it is you!" she said, her hand over her chest. "Don't sneak up on people like that, it is terrifying, you know!"
He Xuan's lips twitched. He rummaged through his backpack and pulled out a neatly folded towel.
"Here, thank you for lending it to me."
Shi Qingxuan took her towel back, all the while silently appreciating his long and shapely hands. She was not a freaky person by nature, but her mind flashed with obscene fantasies of those nimble fingers wrapped around her slender neck.
"Hahaha!" panicked, and endlessly embarrassed, all she could do was laugh awkwardly. "Nice hands what to they do? Haha."
The look He Xuan gave her after that still made Shi Qingxuan want to crawl into a hole and bury herself alive.
.
Shi Qingxuan realised that she was too out of shape. Merely five minutes of sprinting had reduced her into a pathetic, panting and sweaty mess.
She slowed down to a slight jog to glance down at her watch. She let out a curse. There was no time left for self-pity, she was already going to be late for her exam.
She collected her long, dark hair into a messy and slightly lopsided bun, before picking up her pace once again. Not even ten steps in, she halted abruptly.
In the distance, He Xuan sat crouched near a pond, fiddling with a container in his hands. He was way too invested in whatever he was doing to notice Shi Qingxuan-- which was fine by her. In the months that had passed ever since their first meeting, they had barely exchanged more than a dozen words— all of which were initiated by her alone. If truth be told, they were still practically strangers.
It was not due to a lack of trying. Shi Qingxuan had truly given her all, in the beginning at least. Faced by his constant indifferent demeanor, even a goddess of socializing, such as herself, had to admit defeat.
As handsome as he is, he isn't worth all that trouble! She tied to convince herself.
And so, Shi Qingxuan had moved on happily.
Or that's what she had thought, but now she was stuck glued to her place, silently watching his profile from afar. Something about the way he moved, the way he carried himself, truly mesmerized Shi Qingxuan.
Oblivious to the intense and longing gaze directed towards himself, He Xuan tipped the contents of the container into the pond. The surface of the water rippled chaotically, dozens of fish surfacing to fight for the food.
A fond chuckle escaped through Shi Qingxuan's lips. The man tried so hard to be all mysterious and emo, but then he snuck around to feed the local fishes when he thought no one was watching?!
As he threw in some more fish food into the water, He Xuan's lips curved up in the slightest hint of a smile. All at once, it was as if thousands of lanterns had been lit up, swallowing the perpetual gloom that seemed to constantly grace his countenance. He-fucking-Xuan actually smiled?! Was he even capable of emoting?!
The corners of his eyes crinkled, his dark eyes shining with mirth. He made himself comfortable and slumped down against the grassy lawn. His hands tapped against his thighs, moving in some unknown rhythm. He did not appear as cold and mature anymore. He now looked as he was supposed to, a spirited youth of about twenty.
Shi Qingxuan could not quite manage to look away.
And if she failed her exam for arriving too late, then it was nobody's business but her own.
.
Mission 'Get the Fuck Over He Xuan!!!' had failed miserably. Shi Qingxuan shamelessly went back to obsessing over him, and no one suffered more for it than Xie Lian, who had been the primary victim of her lovesick ramblings. Her interactions with He Xuan had also increased significantly, though the man himself never initiated any form of communication. Shi Qingxuan supposed that he was a shy person by nature, and let the matter go.
"He Xuaaan! Good morning!" she chirped as she sat next to him on a bench one day.
"Morning."
He did not even glance up from his paperwork to acknowledge her. But at the same time, he scooted over to make place for her. So that was a win, right?
"Working as hard as ever, I see!"
He Xuan hummed noncommittally.
"What a man you are, I wish I was more like you!"
At that, He Xuan finally looked up from his paperwork.
"More like me," he repeated.
Shi Qingxuan nodded solemnly. "You are so sincere about your work, and are so responsible and mature," she paused, gesturing vaguely at herself. "I want to be like that, hahaha. Which is why I moved out of my family house and started pursuing this degree in the first place."
He Xuan turned to face her, now giving her all of his attention.
"You moved out of your family house?"
"Yeah, and they were not happy about the fashion degree either," her shoulders slumped. "They wanted me to be a lawyer like you, you know. They are not proud of me at all, my brother especially. Oh he is just like you, you two will get along so well, hahaha.'"
A pause. "Is that right?"
"Yeah. My brother actually made me go to this one, very prestigious pre-university school for law," she said. "I somehow survived the two years there, but I just was not happy. It was not what I wanted to do, hahaha."
The following pause was long enough for Shi Qingxuan to wonder if she had said something wrong.
"So you dropped off, I see," he said, his voice cool and low. "Many less fortunate students would have died to get a seat there,"
Shi Qingxuan squirmed in her seat. "Which is why it was a mistake."
He Xuan's eyes were cold and piercing. "Was it, now?"
"Y-Yes," Shi Qingxuan gulped. "But it is not that simple. There were many reasons why I dropped off."
The conversation brought back unpleasant memories, so she smoothly changed the topic before He Xuan could ask any further questions.
"So He Xuan, why do you want to be a lawyer?"
He collected all of his papers in a neat pile, strapped on his bag and stood up.
"There are way too many scums in this world. Scums who use their money and muscle power to save their asses," he said with a smile. Not the soft smile that Shi Qingxuan had fallen for, this one was strangely crooked and twisted. "I want to destroy the lives of people like that."
His words were unnerving. They almost felt like a warning. Shi Qingxuan watched him walk away, her mind stewing with a hot mess of confusion and questions.
.
"Hahaha, who do you think has a higher body count-- Qingxuan, or 'Ol Pei?"
Shi Qingxuan, who had been about to call He Xuan's name out, froze. Through the window, she could see, and hear, He Xuan and his friends quite clearly. The speaker had been one of He Xuan's batchmate. He Xuan himself, sat facing his back to the window, his reaction the question remained hidden.
"Poor Qingxuan, do not compare her with that beast Pei Ming!"
"Right? Qingxuan seems like the innocent type. I don't think she has got much experience."
"Pft," another man snorted. This one Shi Qingxuan recognized very well. She remembered how that man had called her 'a narcissist bitch' to her face a few weeks ago, when Shi Qingxuan had kindly rejected his advances.
"Innocent, you say? She fools all the guys with those wide, doe-eyes of hers. But I am telling you, that tramp is a cunning little thing!"
Shi Qingxuan, utterly speechless, saw one of her friends giggle and nod her head.
"It's true! That friendly-girl act of hers works very well on guys. You should see how she boasts about her own beauty all the time, so annoying."
"Our professors have also fallen for her charms."
"Oh! That is how she secures perfect internal scores?!"
"Must be," her 'friend' shrugged. "Either like that, or through her older brother's influence. That family is filthy rich."
He Xuan stood up from his seat. Shi Qingxuan's breathing hitched. She was used to being spoken about ridiculously like this. It was nothing new. But she did not want the man she liked to hear these terrible things about her. The thought of He Xuan believing those petty rumours upset her a lot.
"He Xuan, you are going?"
"Oh no, the assignment is not complete yet. Can you help us out for a little while longer?"
He Xuan's voice was quiet and calm as always. "You mean, you want me to do all of the hard-work while you guys talk shit about a woman who does not deserve it?"
Silence.
"Haha, come on don't be like that. We were just joking around!"
"Just joking around," He Xuan repeated. Others flinched at his tone. "You guys disgust me. Shi Qingxuan really is too generous while making friends. To think she genuinely considers you guys her friends, tch. Disgusting."
He Xuan walked out of the class and no one dared to stop him. Shi Qingxuan hastily spun around and began to run. Just as she made it out of the corridor, a cool hand grabbed her by the wrist.
"Haha, I did not see you there. Hello, He Xuan! How are you?" Shi Qingxuan smiled pathetically as she turned around to face him.
He Xuan's eyes were wide and he looked... Concerned? Upset?
"You heard?" he asked, his voice soft.
"Yeah," she cleared her throat. "Th-thank you for standing up for me. I appreciate it."
"I did not even do anything, why thank me?"
"You did. You believed in me, and not in the rumours," Shi Qingxuan said simply.
He Xuan watched her with a strange expression for a while. Then he sighed.
"I meant what I said back then. You really are to generous while making friends," He Xuan said. "You are a good person, Shi Qingxuan. Even to does who do not deserve it. Choose your company wisely from now on. Don't bother yourself with people who are not good for you."
"And do you put yourself in that category?" she asked, her voice nothing more than a whisper. "People who are not good for me?"
He Xuan let go of her wrist.
"Yes," he said without any hesitation.
.
Shi Qingxuan smiled fondly as she recalled the memories. How ironic-- the day He Xuan had warned her to stay away from him, was the day she had truly fallen, hard.
She clutched the now empty bottle that He Xuan had given her, and rested her cheek against the cool, leather car seat. A familiar scent, one that reminded her of the seas, assaulted her senses. Goddamit, his car smelled like him too!
Shi Qingxuan was truly fucked.
🍁
"Where the fuck had you run off too?" He Xuan seethed, his voice as violence-inducingly annoying as always.
Hua Cheng sometimes day dreamt about draining his little fishies' tank, and kicking him out of their apartment. He wondered why he had not done that yet.
Xie Lian clenched his fingers into a fist, then pressed them against his lips as he coughed lightly.
"Sorry, we had run into some trouble," he said.
"We went to eat ice cream," Hua Cheng grinned.
He Xuan stared at them blankly.
"Okay," he nodded to himself. "So you had gone to make out somewhere."
Xie Lian's face flushed into the most delicious shade of pink. He shook his head vehemently from the side to side, his eyes wide and terrified.
"Nonono, it is a long story!" Xie Lian said hastily. "We did eat ice-cream. Or, I had tried to. I dropped my popsicle before I could even finish it."
"We can go buy another if Gege craves for one," Hua Cheng offered.
"No need, no need!" Xie Lian assured Hua Cheng before turning once again towards He Xuan. "Well, then a chihuahua picked up the fallen popsicle and swallowed it whole."
"..."
"It immediately threw up and passed out," Xie Lian explained with a shiver. The memory was still fresh in his mind.
"In a way, I am glad that Gege did not eat much of that ice-cream. There must've been something wrong with it."
"Hua Cheng--" Xie Lian started, but got interrupted by He Xuan.
"Right, makes sense. So you murdered a dog."
Hua Cheng smiled bright and wide. "No. But continue talking to Gege with that tone, and your fishies might suffer that fate."
Xie Lian laughed pacifyingly. "There, there. That's not how friends talk to each other."
"We are not friends," the two parroted at the same time.
"Yes, yes, sure. Anyways, then we took the chihuahua to the nearest vet."
"Gege is fast runner. Beautiful," Hua Cheng remarked.
"Haha, I am not bad. But you were faster--"
"Can you please continue the story and tell me what happened to the poor dog?" He Xuan cut in yet again.
"Ah right, right. So we successfully took him to the vet. But it turns out, the receptionist was the dog's owner."
"He accused Gege of stealing and poisoning his dog. He made a huge scene, that trash."
"..." He Xuan stared blankly. "Is this for real, or are you guys making up this ridiculous story on spot?"
"Letgegecompletethefuckingstory," Hua Cheng said through clenched teeth. He Xuan dutifully shut up.
"We tried to explain ourselves, but the man insisted to take the matter outside and 'deal with it like real men do'."
"The fight got over before it even started," Hua Cheng snickered. "Gege is way too strong. I have never seen a man of that huge stature and build, get tossed around as if weighs no more than a sack of potatoes."
"Ah, but sacks of potatoes do weigh a lot, Hua Cheng!" Xie Lian said earnestly. "I would know. I harvested them as a side gig once."
He Xuan's head was spinning. "What a thrilling story. Remind me to never ask you guys to explain your whereabouts ever again."
"Where's Qingxuan?" Xie Lian asked. He Xuan's expression changed imperceptibly. Ah, Hua Cheng wondered what had transpired between those two idiots in their absence.
"I had her wait in the car. She is not feeling well."
Xie Lian rushed at once to her side. Hua Cheng watched his retreating figure (ahem, his beautifully sculpted behind) with a soft smile.
"The fuck. That is so creepy, why are you smiling so genuinely?" He Xuan demanded.
"Black Water, does it kill you to see me happy?"
"No, I am actually serious. You have not even known him for a day. This is not healthy, Hua Cheng."
Hua Cheng remained silent.
"Look, I know you guys have a history. He was nice to you and--"
"He saved my life, He Xuan. You should understand this better than anyone else. You know what it is like to feel utterly hopeless. You know how being unlovable feels like. You know what it is like to find the world, and the people living in it ugly."
"..."
"He single handedly changed all of that," Hua Cheng smiled. "You are saying that my feelings are shallow, but my respect and admiration for him are well deserved and my feelings won't change."
He Xuan rubbed at his temples. "I am not saying that your feelings are shallow. But it has been eight years. You idolised him as a teen. You put him on a pedestal, and still are clinging on to these rose-tinted memories of him. People change, Hua Cheng."
"..." Hua Cheng turned his face away. "Then I want to understand his everything. We can re-acquaint ourselves."
"Look, I am just saying that think about this. He seems like a good guy, don't crush him with the weight of your expectations. He is a human, not your superhero."
"I can't believe that we are having a heart-to-heart," Hua Cheng muttered.
"Right?" He Xuan snorted. "Especially considering the previous context."
Hua Cheng smiled. Perhaps his roommate was not that bad.
"And it is rich of you to come and advice me. Why did you not tell me before that you have fallen in love the woman whose entire bloodline you swore to hate?"
"Love is a strong word. I still hate her for what her brother has done, and how she seemingly seems okay with it. But at the same time, I acknowledge that she is a good person, is all."
Hua Cheng yawned. How complicated.
"'Hate' is also a strong word, Black Water."
He Xuan did not speak any more after that.