The bright morning sun of Saudi Arabia peeks through the half shut blinds casting a blinding light onto my face. As I open my eyes the slight hangover that I have got as a result of last night's inability to say no to alcohol hits me and in my bout of fatigue and confusion the events of last night come flooding back into my memory.
At the realisation that last night I had kissed Max I feel a wave of indefinite embarrassment and regret pulsate through my body. Thousands of questions race through my mind.
Does he hate me? Does he regret it? Whilst I know what I did was irrational and stupid I can't help but feel euphoric and happy but I'm almost certain that it's just a premature feeling that will be abruptly halted when I eventually and inevitably see him around.
But I don't need that distraction, I've only just made it to F1. I'm not going to ruin it by falling in love, I have bigger things to worry about like improving my team's position in the constructors Championship.
I realise staring into the abyss isn't going to help me and most of all isn't going to help the team. Today we are heading over to Australia and I haven't even packed yet or got anything to eat.
I head over to my closet and begin to fold and place my clothes into my bag when I hear a light knock on the door. I turn the handle and open the door ajar and see it's Zhou standing there.
“Hey Y/N we have to be downstairs in 20 minutes to leave for the airport”, “Yep that's fine, I'll be down soon” I reply.
I gently close the door and get back to packing my bags and I finish doing so quickly. I take one final look around my abnormally small room, which is for some reason smaller than all the others to check if there is anything left. After concluding there is nothing left I walk towards the stairs and walk down them, the midday heat of Abu Dhabi which has encapsulated the entire building is slightly stifling.
As I make it to the bottom of the stairs, I see some of the drivers outside the entrance waiting by the bus. I emerge through the doors and hand my luggage over to the driver who is waiting by the luggage compartment.
I stand outside chatting for a while because Max isn't here so I can only assume he's on the bus and even though we made out last night I can't face him. But eventually we have to set off so I half push past everyone so I'm not last on.
As I step onto the bus, the cool AC hits me and it is a welcoming comfort from the outside heat. The second I step on I see him. He's sitting at the front, we make eye contact for a split second but I quickly avert it to avoid any awkwardness.
He gives me his usual faint, cute and adorable smile but I don't provide any recognition of it. I walk to the complete opposite end of the bus from Max and sit at the back next to Zhou and Yuki.
The pair provide a great relief from the stress of Max through his lengthy verbose conversation about his cat that he just got. I find it adorable though how he finds so much joy in his pet and it does make me wonder if I want to get a pet as a distraction and company.
As we edge further and further into the journey my phone begins to ring, pulling it from my pocket I see its Ollie and immediately answer it faster than I ever have before.
“Hey” I say and before I can ask how he is he begins speaking on without any sign of stopping “Y/N L/N THAT PERFORMANCE YESTERDAY WAS OUTSTANDING P3 IN A SAUBER HOW DID YOU DO IT? ALSO WHY DIDN'T YOU DRINK THAT ALCOHOL? DO YOU RELAISE HOW EXPENSIVE IT IS?”
“Hello to you too Mr Bearman” he laughs at the other end and then asks how I have been, conscious of the people around me I talk in a hushed tone. “I've been good, how have you been?” he replies the same and then asks me how things have been going with men like he normally does. We had created a certain code system for this type of event, so that we could talk even if people were around. I quietly whisper “Code Red” and at the other end I hear a large audible gasp.
“WITH WHO?” He exclaims.
I look around and Zhou has put his headphones in and I double check in front of me and see Lando asleep so I whisper into my phone “Verstappen”. Just by stating his name Olie lets out an even louder gasp and I can tell he's jumping up and down.
“How did it happen?” he prods, “I was supplied with alcohol, and it just happened”. We spend at least 35 minutes talking about the whole situation and I tell him how I'm sort of avoiding him but he tells me to stop being so irrational and just talk to him. I normally take Ollie’s advice but this time I can't help but feel like I shouldn't. We never had the chance to meet up with each other in Abu Dhabi but hopefully we will in Australia.
At the conclusion of our phone call we pull into the parking lot of the small private airport and we are guided towards a seating plan that has been made completely randomly. Looking at the sheet I can't find my name but as I look down the list I see who I'm next to and I want to get on another plane.
9C - Y/N L/N
9B - Max Verstappen
“fuck right off” I sigh immediately and go straight to Checo and ask if he wants to swap but he said he's happy next to Fernando so I try my luck with Zhou but he wants to stay next to Yuki so they can talk about food. I sigh in acceptance of my fate so I begin to dig out my ipad so I can just watch Netflix or listen to an audio book instead of having to engage in conversation with Max.
I reluctantly climbed into the aircraft which for a million dollar private jet is very small and cramped. I can tell the FIA and F1 are trying to save money. I flop down into my window seat and place my headphones in and crank the volume up as much as it can go. I sense a presence next to me and I can tell it's Max by the indistinguishable smell of his cologne.
The engine of the aircraft begins to soar as we thunder down the runway, the light shaking of the cabin sends Max’s shoulder colliding into mine at each bump reminding me of our first encounter which makes me blush at the thought.
I don't remember much about the first half of the flight as I fade away watching my Netflix show but the next thing I know someone is tapping my shoulder. I open my eyes to see the bright smile of Danny Ric bearing over me. I remove my headphones and ask him what he wants. “He sticks out a container that contains pastries and says “You didn't have breakfast this morning” sitting next to Max has made my appetite dissipate so I kindly decline. “You know you must eat” Max interjects. Fuck I think. I don't know what to say.
I laugh lightly “yea I'm not a breakfast person”, he turns to face me “What have I done wrong?” I give him a questioning look “Nothing, why would you assume you had done something wrong”.
“Maybe because we kissed and you have blanked me for the entire day, if I remember correctly you leaned in first for the kiss” he hisses at me.
“Look I was drunk, you were drunk, you probably regret it as you're straight and kissing me and it was awkward and I've just got here I don't need to be causing drama” I retort.
“Are you gay Y/N?” He asks a little too loud for my liking.
I take a deep breath and lean closer and whisper like he should've done “Did you want to say that any louder for the enitre plane to hear?”. As I finish my sentence I stand up and go up to Charles and ask if he would like to swap because I don't ‘like the window seat’ so I end up spending the rest of the flight next to a hysterical Lando who finds amusement in every little thing.
As I read through my emails Lando asks me a plethora of ‘get to know me’ questions that send me insane.
Before the plane lands he asks me “So can we expect to see a girlfriend of yours around?” I laugh at the blunt question and say what I always seem to say “I don't have one”.
As the plane lands I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders as I can't wait to escape this metal tube that has had all of us entrapped. Stepping out the hot air of Abu Dhabi is insignificant compared to the stifling mid day summer heat of Melbourne which punctates the air.
We all step down onto the tarmac and await our suitcases, Max tries to approach me but I swiftly move away and join Alex and George.
As we are all handed our luggage we hop onto yet another bus, but this time I sit by myself immersing myself into solitude thinking about the predicament that I'm in when I'm snapped out of my thoughts by Danny plunging himself next to me. “Are you ok Danny?” I ask “Why are you avoiding Max, is it because he kissed you back?”.
I panic instantaneously “What are you on about?” I question acting as if I haven't got a clue about what he's talking about. “Max told me everything” he declares “What the fuck” I exclaim.
“Hey, hey calm your tits it's only me that knows, look you don't have to tell Max because he's a loud mouth but you can tell me, are you gay?”
I ponder for a moment, considering how this could all play out and just sigh a simple “yes” but follow on “if I hear of another soul mention the fact that I'm gay, I will know who to go to, and I will make your life so miserable you will wish you were back at McLaren, understood?”.
He laughs and swears a vow of silence. I think my threat may have come across more intimidatory than I had initially thought it sounded but oh well it means he will take it more seriously.
He leaves me alone for the rest of the journey and I can't tell if it's out of respect or fear but either way I'm happy.
The hotel isn't very far away which is just as well as this bus has shit AC that is just blowing warm air.
As we arrive at the front of the Grand Hotel I'm in ore of the outstanding and intricate architecture. But as I walk in I'm in even greater ore of the AC which immediately cools the layer of sweat on my face and is a welcomed relief.
We all begin to check in and once again, coincidentally me and Max are next door to each other and since he told Daniel I don't trust him at all.
As I approach the start of the stairs Max comes alongside me and asks me “do you want me to take your bag?” I turn to him and give him my infamous death glare, “piss off, I'm not an imbecile, I can carry my own bag”. At the end of my sentence I start walking up the stairs and when I reach the top he grabs my shoulder.
“What have I done wrong now?” he questions and I try to collate a creative response but just come out with “Maybe I should kiss you again because it's the only time your fucking mouth is shut, didn't you think to come to me before telling Danny, no?”.
He quietly stands there just looking at me, his face like always is unreadable and I can't tell if he's regretting it or genuinely could care less.
“Look Y/ N I told Danny because he asked me why I was acting off”.
“Never heard of lying,” I retort. “And did you ever hear about how bad it is to lie as a kid” he claps back.
I realise that I will never be able to get him to understand my point of view so I go off in the direction of my room to escape the awkwardness of this conversation, but of course Max is next door to me so I don't really get to escape him.
I enter my room which is much larger than the one in Abu Dhabi which is a great relief, my view from the balcony is absolutely jaw dropping and I have a great view over the local area. I rapidly unpack my clothes and stuff so I can head over to the track for team meetings and media interviews
When I arrive at the track we do a quick strategy meeting ahead of the race on Saturday and discuss how free practice will run. It's quite banal but essential, well that's what Alessandro and the head of engineering said to me when I was close to falling asleep. I have lunch in the hospitality building and then I head over to the media area and stand there acting like I'm willing to be there, I feel my phone vibrating a lot in my pocket but as I go to pull it out I'm quickly pulled aside by a Sky Sports reporter who begins asking me a plethora of questions.
Reporter: So Y/N second race of the season after an Incredibly strong start for Sauber and yourself, what are your thoughts going into this race?
Y/N: Well of course it was a great start to a P3 result but I must say we wouldn't have achieved that without the brake failure for Hamilton.
Reporter: Now you said at the start you felt out of place, have you started to find your way in F1?
Y/N: I believe so yes, it's hard coming into a place as big as Formula 1 but I'm making friends each day and yeah it's great.
Reporter: Now Y/N we have obviously just heard the rumours that were leaked less than an hour ago about you having a relationship with a male friend in your teens. What do you have to say about this?
I stand shocked, scared, frozen. I don't know what to say. I haven't seen anything about this. I mean it's true, but I don't know how people could've found out. I haven't prepared for this moment and I know if I continue to stand here in silence it will give everyone the answer they want.
Y/N: erm… I haven't heard about these rumours but I strongly deny them.
Reporter: Do you think F1 is ready for a gay driver?
Y/N: F1 has created the initiative We Race as One for this exact reason to foster an inclusive environment for everyone.
Reporter: Thanks Y/N.
As soon as the interview concludes I storm over to my driver's room and slam the door shut in anger, disappointment and embarrassment.
I lock the door and slide against it with tears streaming down my cheek as I pull my phone from my pocket seeing messages from everyone from Ollie, Arthur, Zhou, My Manager to my friends and family all asking: “Are you gay?”.
I see a link pop up in one of the messages and it takes me to an article titled:
“Y/N L/N ROOKIE SAUBER DRIVER AND FIRST GAY F1 DRIVER?”
Pedantically I scroll further to try and find their source and work out whose life I need to make hell. But all it says is “an anonymous source reported a close relationship between Y/N and one of his close friends during his time in F4”.
“Shit” I shout probably loud enough for the guys in the garage to hear.
As I sit against the door I hear a knock on the door, I stand up and open it and see Alessandro. “I'm in the shit now” I think. He guides me to his office where the media manager is sitting waiting for us, as I take a seat on the adjacent side of the table it feels like a sort of intervention.
He doesn't waste much time when he takes his seat. He is blunt and direct, “Are you gay?”.
“What does it matter?” I ask, “it doesn't but right now it's causing a media meltdown , I have had other news outlets calling asking for interviews, Zhou was cornered and basically interrogated by the media so we need to settle this”.
“Fine, I am, but I want to forget any of this ever happened and focus on the race” I blurt, “unfortunately you can't sweep this under the carpet, you must face facts”. I lean back in my chair sensing where this is going.
“We want you to make a media statement, don't feel pressured or like you have to be someone you are not”. “When is it?” I question.
“in 10 minutes”, “Great” I sigh as I stand up and walk out.
Returning to my drivers room to make myself look like I haven't been crying or going through a midlife crisis despite not being middle aged.
I take stand in front of a dozen journalists and media staff and stutter before I even manage to speak. Their faces intently staring at me, like they are reading my soul and before I speak I see Max walk past and it takes my mind off things for a microsecond but I'm snapped back into reality.
“After seeing the articles about myself regarding my sexuality and relationships it has become apparent I can't run from myself for any longer, F1 is an inclusive and accepting environment that strives for equality.
I don't really have much to say apart from. I'm gay. I hope you all have a good day.”
Abruptly ending my speech I head away from the journalists and go straight back to my hotel room and lock myself away from everyone and bypass all evening socials including dinner.
Day of Free Practice:
I exit from my room for the first time in nearly half a week and it feels weird being outside the 4 walls that have encapsulated me for so long. I hadn't really come out at all. I had got all my meals delivered to my room and cancelled all my plans to explore Melbourne. I have had a few people call at my door but the only one I've opened it to was Ollie. Max has called by every day but I'm not ready to face him.
As I enter the paddock I'm greeted by an abundance of journalists and fans who are all asking where I've been for the past 4 days but just dismiss them all by saying I've been busy.
I enter the garage and greet all the engineers and other staff as I bypass them to go into my driver's room to get changed.
I don't have much of an agenda for FP1 and FP2 other than to continue adjusting to the car.
Out on the track I feel free away from the shit show that is my life off the track. As I start to approach the start line my engineer comes on the radio and says “Y/N be cautious Vertsappen on pit exit”. As I go past the pit exit I see Max emerging and all I can think is "great that's my peace gone” and in true Max style he catches up to me and I give him space to pass but to my surprise he doesn't.
I begin to push the car harder and harder for that hour in order to allow the team to collect the most data.
By the end of FP1 my energy was depleted but I've been sitting in my room for 4 days so I have no excuse to be tired.
FP2 is a bit more difficult, rain begins pelting down and it makes the track completely slippery and difficult to drive on.
There's cars flying everywhere but I don't really focus on the others, well that is until I see a bright blue Williams come up behind me in my mirror and the next thing I know he clips my back end and sends me catapulting into the wall.
Despite racing for years this is my first major crash. I feel stunned for a moment and don't hear my engineer asking if I'm OK. His tone is increasing in fear so I let him know I'm alright and pissed off.
“I'm fine, that fucking Williams, I gave it enough space to pass if it wanted to I wasn't even going fast, what dickhead was driving it?”
“OK Y/N it's good you are alright, and for your information it was Logan Sargeant in the Williams” he replies.
I'm helped out of the car by the race marshal's as I'm half in the barrier. Entering the garage I don't speak to anyone. I'm too pissed off. Instead I get changed and just head back to the hotel as my car is totaled so there is no point in me staying.
—-
As im sitting on the bed engaged in the TV show I'm watching I hear a light knock on the door and hear Max announcing “it's me” this must be the 20th time he's knocked on my door this week. My hand hovers over the handle for a second before I open it and don't give him a chance to speak.
“I have had quite possibly the worst few days of my life, I have been outed, questioned, and crashed into by an incompetent Williams driver. I'm not in the mood for any mind games or arguments”.
As I finish he quickly responds with “I wanted to check you were alright, it was a big crash and I brought you some food from the hospitality building”. I smile at the kind gesture and decide to invite him in.
He takes a seat on the end of my bed and looks up at me with his piercing eyes. And pats the empty spot next to him.
I take a seat next to him and turn to face him, “you know out there on the track, it wasn't your fault", “thanks” I reply as I start eating the salad bowl he brought for me.
We sit in a deafening silence, whilst I eat but it's not an awkward silence it's a comforting one that provides a sense of warmth.
“You know after qualifying tomorrow I would like to take you to this restaurant Danny recommended”, “like a date?” I ask.
“Like a date” he copies but in a different tone. “But what will people think?” I question with a face of concern, “I don't give a fuck what people think” I sigh and think ‘this man is going to get us into some shit’.
Me and Max end up watching a movie together and at around midnight he heads back to his room and then I feel isolated again, alone, sad, miserable.
Qualifying:
I missed out on FP3 because my car wasn't fixed in time so I feel under prepared and like I'm not ready at all.
I sit in my car in the garage blankly staring out into the pit lane until it's my time to go out in Q1.
“Y/N get your head in the game you are going out now do your best” as my engineer says that I feel the car being jolted and lowered down and I await the signal from my engineer that it's clear to go out.
As I drive down the pit lane I pass all the other garages and once I pass Logan's I remember what he did to me in FP2 and feel incredibly angered and direct my anger to my accelerator.
Accelerating around the complex track of Melbourne I cross the line and get a time of 1:20:104 and feel incredibly pissed and angry at myself.
As I come down the pit lane I sense the team's disappointment “Y/N that wasn't as strong as we had hoped, we need more pace in Q2” my engineer adds to just reinforce the teams disappointment.
Once again going out for Q2 I just don't feel comfortable in the car. It's like I'm an alien in the world I dreamed of every night.
The anger I felt before clearly wasn't enough determination to get me in a good position so I decide to do what I do best and not use my brake as much as possible.
To my genuine surprise it works. I manage to get a 1:18:649 which enables me to go to Q3. For the second time in my F1 career I'm in Q3 and I can't help but feel a little smug about all the losers who have been proved wrong, the losers who said that I would never do well, especially in a Sauber.
Commencing my second lap I manage to find even more pace and set a time of 1:17:992 which is enough to put me in P2 next to Max who of course got pole position.
“Excellent job Y/N P2, you did a great job on pace, Zhou P7”.
“Great job today guys, tough start but we found pace and improved so much”.
I decide to not do much celebrating as I want to conserve my energy for tomorrow so I instead congratulate Max and Charles and head back to the hotel for an early night.
The paddock is flooded by thousands of people and I can't help but feel overwhelmed but I push through it as I walk to my garage and greet the engineers and Zhou.
We do a brief talk about the race strategy and other factors that could impact our race and before I know it I'm sitting back in the car, and waiting for the red lights to extinguish.
I push the car around the track but I feel my tires locking up so I box much more prematurely than others.
Due to a collision between Ocon and Gasly there is a safety car which sends everyone running into the pits so I am in front of the pack and end up with Max behind me.
I know it's probably killing him seeing a Sauber in front of him but I know the second the safety car goes in he will overtake me so I don't relish in his displeasure.
The second we cross the line he attempts to overtake as we go into turn 1 but gravely misjudges his positioning and spins out going into a wall.
“Y/N, Verstappen is out, yellow flag”
“Is Max alright?” I ask in a concerned tone.
“Yep he's fine Y/N, but it's going to be a DNF for him”
I can't lie seeing Max shunting into the wall is a great relief that there is one less competitor but Lewis is behind me so once again I'm in the same boat I was a couple of seconds ago.
As we begin the last lap Lewis goes alongside me and unlike Max manages to get past me in turn 1.
I would be lying if I felt displeased and annoyed but I know it will take a lot to win in a Sauber so I'm willing to settle for P2 if Checo doesn't get past me between now and the finish line.
I try to stay on top of Lewis as much as possible and even though I get DRS it isn't enough to overtake him, but it's enough to increase the gap between me and the Red Bull that is in my mirror.
Crossing the line I feel a great sense of relief.
“Chequered Flag Y/N, P2 and fastest lap, Zhou is P5 and Y/N you are currently P2 in the championship standings”
“Guys we are improving so much let's continue this success and hopefully achieve a race win”
I navigate my way to the cool down room where I watch Max’s collision and see that he just lost control of his car so it isn't his fault and I decide it's wise to stay away from him to let him cool down and return to a state of equilibrium.
Whilst we stand on the podium it feels weird not to have Max up here or to be hearing the Dutch anthem.
However I catch a glimpse of him and he gives me a bright smile as if he is proud of me and I feel at ease knowing he's alright and somewhat happy.
As I return to my driver's room to get changed my engineer informs me that someone is waiting for me in my room.
I swing the door open, champagne still dripping from my race suit, and see Max sitting on my chair, he stands up immediately as I enter.
“Hey” he says “How are you?” I question. He laughs at my genuine concern “fine, pissed off but fine, anyway enough about me a great result today”.
“I know but I just want to win, I went from F2 where I won every race to now where it doesn't seem plausible that I will even win one”
“It will take time, and you are in a Sauber, don't put too much pressure on yourself” he says, taking a step closer.
"It was so cute of you to check if I was alright after the incident" I blush immensely after he says that.
He lightly places his hand on my cheek and leans in to kiss me and we quickly become immersed in a full make out session that is until Zhou walks in and freezes.
Me and Max pull apart quickly and turn to face him, I pull him in quickly and shut the door.
“You can't tell anyone about this,” I plead with him. He laughs “calm down I won't tell anyone, I promise” he says turning to walk out the door but before he does so he turns to face me “also Y/N, questionable taste” his final remark makes me giggle and Max pulls a shocked face.
“Hey Y/N should we go out tonight” I ponder for a moment but can't resist a night out with Max.
We pull up to a yacht located on the coast, it of course belongs to Danny, when we arrive we are one the first ones and it's only Danny and he shouts “Hey the love birds have arrived” I shoot him a death stare that penetrates through his soul.
Getting on board we are supplied alcohol but after the last time I decide it's best if I don't.
Soon after we arrive everyone else begins to arrive and things start to amp up with everyone drinking and having fun. All the guys are outside whilst I'm inside sitting down with Lilly and Kika talking about guys and fashion following the stereotypical gay guy and girly talk.
We are however interrupted by a tipsy Max who asks if he can speak to me.
I agree and step up from the chair and he guides me to a bedroom located on the stern of the boat.