I was not able to finish my slides that night.
I woke up at 5, and went to campus before 6am.
I messaged Billy that I'm on the way to Archi building and that he doesn't need to pick me up.
It was not even five minutes when I received a message from him.
He said he'll drop by Archi before 9 so we can have breakfast together.
I smiled upon reading that message.
Sana makakain ako mamya.
I thought I only have two slides to submit.
It turns out, there are five slides due today.
So, there goes my semester.
My GE class at 2.30pm was cancelled, but we're supposed to submit our paper sa Faculty Center. I think I could at least get a tres on this one.
I was supposed to go to Math at 11.
Pero nagmessage si Laarni.
Grades after midterms are out.
Only three has the possibility to pass the class.
Shocks! Hindi talaga nag-curve si Carpio.
Kanina, gusto ko pang maiyak.
Pero parang ngayon, nawalan na ako ng gana.
Physics lab is fine.
Yung lecture ko yung delikado.
Parang kahit gusto kong kapitan yung Archi... parang sya na mismo yung bumibitaw sa akin.
I was waiting for Billy sa stairs sa harap ng building.
I feel like I can't breathe inside this building.
Medyo madamot sya.
I saw Billy walking towards that place where I was waiting, then he stopped about fifteen meters away from me.
Someone has approached him.
He stopped and looked at whoever that is.
Hindi ko makita yung mukha nya... natatakpan nung halaman.
I waited for five more minutes, pero mukhang matatagalan pa sila.
I was thinking of whether I'll just leave him here, and just message him na umalis na ako... or...
I took a deep breath and smiled.
I'm never the clingy one, but I think, more than any other time, I need him today.
Kahit hindi na yung boyfriend.
Kahit yung best friend ko lang.
I walked near him, and without lifting my eyes, I held his arm and leaned to him.
Parang napapagod na talaga ako.
Gusto ko sanang magtantrums tapos magselos, kaya lang wala akong lakas.
I closed my eyes and just looked at the woman in front of me.
I started to look at her from her feet up...
Magsimula tayo sa baba para hindi obvious na I'm checking her out.
Shocks! Checking her out talaga?
Parang kahit ako natitibo sa kanya, paano na kaya tong jowa ko.
I looked at her shoes which, seriously, who in their right mind would wear stilettos in this Uni where you need to always have a race every time you move from one building to another? But her sandals looks nice. It has a tiny ribbon on top.
Then, I look at her pants... no, scratch that... she's not wearing a pair of jeans... the hem of whatever she's wearing does not even reach her knees.... Mid-thigh, hmm... long-legged, kaya naman pala napahinto si Billy Boi.
I moved my eyes higher, and there I saw the tiny strap of her sundress. Medyo gifted si Ate Gurl sa bandang part na yun.
I smiled to myself, kasi parang natatanga na naman ako.
I'm quite certain hindi to kagandahan.
Sana naman po hindi...
I took a deep breath, and forced my eyes to move higher- that's when I wished I didn't dare look at her face.
Beatrice Aguilar.
Billy's one and only girlfriend who managed to surpass the 3-month rule.
I tried to smile at her, but she looked at me as if she's privy to something I was not aware of.
Yung parang nakakaloko yung ngiti nya.
"I didn't know na sumasabay pa rin pala si Carla sayo. Buti hindi nagagalit yung girlfriend mo"
I saw Billy grinned, he looked at me, and it was then that I realized- he didn't tell Bea that he was here to pick me up. He didn't dare tell her na ako yung girlfriend nya. Second time in a row. Anak nang...
And since it was mentioned, he's probably thinking now on how to tell her na hindi nakakahiya sa akin at hindi sya mapapahiya.
That's when I made the decision for him.
"Ah.. Bea, didn't I mention..."
"Oh! Hindi na ako nasabay sa kanya. Baka magalit yung girlfriend nya e. I'm actually surprised to find him here. Sige Tsong, mauna na ako", I said, sabay bitaw sa braso nya.
And when I thought I'd be free to walk away, which I was hoping na sana ibigay naman nya sa akin yung moment na yun, pero hindi.
I was surprised when Billy pulled my hand, and since I was turned to walk away, the impact of me going back to him was a bit strong, so ayun medyo mukhang OA lang na napasubsob ako sa kanya.
I didn't know why but my eyes accidentally went to Bea and she smirked like I was trying really hard to be this close to Billy.
I immediately pushed Billy away, but he held me still, and when I looked up at him, he was looking down at me, his face not really happy.
"Bea, I thought you already knew, " he said, and I know that tone- yung tone na masaya sya and proud. Pero who am I to know for sure? The fact that he didn't tell her again... tells a different story. "Didn't you mention....", then his demeanour has changed and the way he held me tightened. "Kami na pala ni Carla, finally"
I noticed how his jaw ticked, and how his stare at her became scary and how his eyes were warning her. There are too many things happening at once, and I don't have the capacity to read all through their gestures and secret codes, so I told myself to focus on what I am feeling instead. "Pero malapit nang hindi kaya wag ka masyadong lumayo, baka may mauna sayo. Nasa malapit lang din si Tanya"
I thought Bea would be surprised, and that somehow I would feel a bit victorious kasi kahit ba isipin nya na mukha akong trying hard mapalapit kay Billy, e, ako yung girlfriend ni Billy ngayon.
But she just smiled, and she smirked and shook her head. Like she has been expecting it, but she's expecting it not in a positive way.
"So, totoo ngang nasunod din talaga yung gusto nya?", she asked, her eyes on me, then she moved them to Billy. "Why am I not surprised? You all spoil her to the point na you will leave a healthy relationship just because your best friend is throwing a tantrum at you for spending time with your girlfriend?"
I felt Billy tensed beside me, and that somehow doesn't sit well with me.
Nasunod ang gusto nya?
Throwing a tantrum?
Ako ata yung sinasabi nya.
"Excuse me... I think there might be a misunderstanding here..."
"Carla...", he said in warning, but the moment I looked back at him, he somehow knew that there's no stopping me now.
"See what I meant? She'll just looked at you, and you won't even try to inject a word or two"
"Maybe that's because he knew that I can actually speak for myself?"
"Or maybe because he knew that regardless of what he'd say, ikaw pa rin ang mananalo"
"Kailan ako nanalo? Di ba ikaw nga yung pinili?
"Ako nga ba? Di ba ikaw yung girlfriend ngayon? And Carla, grow up. You're now what? 19? And you still talk and act like you're a kid. Excuse me, I still have class. And Billy, if you get tired of pacifying this kid, the offer still stands", then she walked away like she just didn't shake our worlds.
I stood there, staring at her back.
The Pareng Carla in me wanted to run after her and pull her hair...
But that girl Carla... Carla suddenly was lost in her thoughts.
I was left there, standing... thinking.
Gusto kong awayin si Billy, pero anong sasabihin ko?
I suddenly feel too weak... but I will not cry, and I will not get angry.
I felt Billy took a step near me, and I knew he's also not sure on how to handle this me.
Second time...
Grabe naman.
Hindi pa enough yung experience kahapon para ma-figure out nya kung anong dapat gawin.
I tried to swallow down my tears and promise myself to set this aside. I'll deal with it later.
Mahaba na yung listahan nang kailangan kong tapusin.
I took a deep breath then smiled at my boyfriend, who by now probably is readying himself to run after me the moment I decide to hide.
But I will not do that today.
"She's really pretty. But I was pretty sure it's not because of "me throwing a tantrum" kaya kayo naghiwalay. Did she cheat on you? Or maybe naturn-off ka kasi ang taray ng ate mo gurl?", I was smiling, trying to hide my pain. Parang sasabog yung compartment kung saan ko tinago lahat ng sinabi ni Bea.
"Do you want to talk?", he asked, playing with my hand.
"Talk?", I asked not looking at him..."Nah! Not today. Ang aga ko kasing nagising kanina. Medyo hindi ko pa ma-process yung mga sinabi nya", then I stopped looking at our hands and I shifted my eyes to him. "Maybe next time?"
He didn't remove his gaze from me, like he's trying to gauge where we're at. "Grabe sya makatingin. Parang sobrang mahal nya ako o", then I smiled when I saw him smile. "Billy..."
"Hm?"
"Kung iiwan mo ako, pwede wag sya..."
"Carla..."
"Wag agad sya... maghanap ka muna ng iba. I don't care kung kayo yung end game. Basta wag sya immediately after me. Hanap ka nung hindi masyadong maganda para hindi naman ako nakakahiya", I smiled, teasing him, and I knew with the way he's looking at me, sya yung napikon.
And when he's about to share a piece of his mind, I immediately held his face and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. And when I thought I could simply pull away the moment I've successfully stop him from talking, I was the one surprised when his hand is suddenly at the back of head, and he's the one initiating the kiss, kissing me senseless. I was almost out of breath when he let go of my lips, then I saw how tense his jawline was, as he's watching me like a predator watching his prey.
He can sense something is wrong.
Buti pa sya, naka-decide na.
Ako, nananantya pa rin hanggang ngayon.
I took a deep breath, trying to normalise my breathing. I smiled at him, met his stare as I wiped his lips with my thumb. "In case hindi nyo po napansin, I'm wearing lipstick na these days. The colour looks good on you though", then I looked at him and smiled. "Ang sarap mong halikan, Boyfriend. Bigla tuloy kitang na-miss!"
Then I hugged him really really tight. Para na akong sasabog, pero ayoko munang mag-isip.
"Boyfriend, I forgot I haven't finished my papers yet... pass muna ang girlfriend sa breakfast. Bawi ako sayo next time"
"Carla..."
"Paper lang to... si Carla kaya ako", I said, as I walked backwards, smile plastered on my face.
——-
Billy has been messaging me almost every fifteen minutes.
And when he knew that my class has ended, my phone hasn't stopped ringing.
The truth is, I was no longer in campus.
At 6pm, I went to message Budoy.
"Tol, SOS! Walang jowang makakaalam, please"
"Be there in five"
Parang gusto kong maiyak.
Walang tanung tanong.
After I sent him the location, I sat at the farthest corner, and just ordered a bucket.
"Talagang nagsimula ka agad e ano. Hindi mo man lang ako nahintay"
"Haha! Ayoko kayang naghihintay"
Budoy just looked at me, and sat on the empty chair beside me without saying another word.
After a bucket or two, he looked at me and said, "Ano, lalasingin mo lang ba talaga ako? Baka mamya pati ako pinagnanasahan mo na"
"Grabe sya uy! Saka anong nilalasing kita. San Mig Light? Alam ko para ka lang umiinom ng tubig nyan"
"Anong problema natin, Pareng Carla? Yung jowa mo ba? Hindi bagay sayo yung wasted era nang dahil sa lalaki"
"Haha! Sobrang astig ko para dun no?"
"If hindi si Billy.... "
"If hindi si Billy talaga no?"
"As if hindi si Billy...."
"Budoy.... I don't think I can survive this sem..."
Budoy looked at me, asking me to continue. "Nabobo na ata ako. Halos wala na akong pinasa "
He then looked at me, and I warned him before he even say it out loud. "At wag mong sasabihing you told me so...."
"E di, hindi ko sasabihin"
"Kaya ko naman e..."
"Pero hindi mo talaga gusto?"
"Gusto kaya"
"O bakit?"
"Ayaw sa akin e. Akala ko gusto ako e... Akala ko lang pala"
"Si Sem pa ba yan or iba na?"
"Haha! Ang husay mo. Kaya gusto kita e"
Budoy just looked at me and lifted his bottle.
"Budoy..."
"Hm?"
"Why did Billy and Bea break up?"
"Ha?"
"Alam kong alam mo..."
"Bakit hindi yung boyfriend mo ang tanungin mo?"
"Magpapaka-wasted ba ako dito at tatawagan kita kung kaya ko namang tanungin sa kanya"
"Ano bang nangyari?"
"We saw Bea earlier..."
"And..."
"She said something like I am too spoiled. That Billy and you and Chop chop would always give me what I want..."
"Have you ever felt that way? "
"In a way... yes. Because we're friends..."
"Do you think I don't feel like you'd adjust your schedule to accommodate me when you know that I need you?"
"But Budoy... "
"Hm?"
"Do you think Billy would break up with Bea because of me?"
"I can't answer that for him. What exactly did Bea say?"
"Na I always get what I want... That Billy would leave a healthy relationship because I was throwing tantrums"
"Tsk! Let's put it this way... I'm speaking for myself Pare ha... you're always the sensitive one, siguro kasi kahit paano, ikaw lang naman talaga ang babae sa atin... but when I say that, what I mean is you always always try to take a step back when you feel like you're not wanted or nakakagulo ka lang. If I'm dating someone, and yung kapalit is me not being able to spend time with you, or me losing you, if that girl is not worthy enough, bakit kita ipagpapalit? All the more kung pagbabawalan nya akong makipagkita sayo. Aba! Minsan lang ako may Pareng Carla!"
All the more kung pinagbabawalan nya akong makipagkita sayo
"Grabe sya... pinaiiyak mo naman ako"
"Binobola lang kita. Wag kang masyadong maniwala"
"Nakakahiya ba akong ipakilalang girlfriend?", I asked but I try not to look at him.
I heard Budoy laughed... napahampas pa sa lamesa. "Lasing ka na ba?"
"Seryoso ako"
"Pare... hindi bagay sayo yung ganitong era"
"Or... siguro, Hindi talaga kami bagay ni Billy"
Budoy just looked at me for a couple of seconds, then he took a deep breath. "I hate to say this Carla, but I don't like the you that I'm seeing now. You're never one who lacks confidence. Why would you feel someone will feel embarrassed to be with you?"
"But why would that someone not introduce me as the girlfriend if he's not embarrassed of me?"
Then I saw Budoy stared at me. He took a deep breath, and when I thought he was about to give me his thoughts, I was surprised when he looked at someone behind our table, and said, "Tsong, pa-sub! I think she needs your thoughts more than she needs mine on this one"
And when I followed his line of sight, I almost fell down from my seat when I saw my boyfriend stood up and nodded at Budoy. I swallowed, not really sure what to tell him. When I chanced to look at him, I saw his face is blank, his lips on a thin line, and his eyes were intently watching me.
"Sabi ko walang jowang makakaalam", I shouted at Budoy, kasi feeling ko dinouble cross ako nung kumpare ko.
"Hindi mo jowa yan, 'Tsong. Best friend mo yan", then he looked at me, nodded his head and smiled.
I bit my lower lip, and looked up at the guy whose supposed to be my best friend tonight, then I looked away, blowing out a breath.
How am I gonna be sure that he's the best friend tonight?
Pwede ko bang isumbong yung boyfriend ko sa kanya?
Ano kayang sasabihin nya pag sinabi kong, "'Tol, Pare, tingin mo, makipag-break na kaya ako sa boyfriend ko"
Tsk! Ang labo din ni Budoy...
Parang "kami" lang...
Ang labo.