She wasn't sure how long she had been pretending to be asleep, but it was Saturday morning and she was going to stay wrapped up in her comforter for as long as possible. Which seemed to be ending sooner than Tara was willing to accept.
She heard the door click shut quietly and a slight tug on the blankets wrapped tightly around her.
Tara buried her face into her pillow with a sigh, "Anika we've talked about this. You can't clean my sheets when I'm still in them."
Then she felt the mattress dip and an arm wrap around her. Tara rolled over completely surprised by the action- Anika would definitely not be trying to snuggle with her.
"Is that something Anika has tried to do before?" Amelia whispered as she snuggled closer to Tara.
Tara let out a sleepy chuckle and turned to face Amelia, "Morning."
"Morning to you too, Carpenter." Amelia replied with a smile.
Tara relaxed a bit and let Amelia pull her in closer. They hadn't really talked since Tara got mad at her in the library on Thursday. Having had time to cool down, Tara realized Amelia was just being Amelia. Wanting to take care of her. She couldn't really be mad about that, could she?
Amelia's smile faltered slightly as she let out a breath, "Is everything ok? With us I mean?"
Tara felt herself stiffen. How was she supposed to answer honestly when she wasn't sure herself? She forced herself to take a deep breath and relax, tilting her head to look up at Amelia's worried face. "I'm sorry I've been kinda... off lately." She sighed, "I guess this semester is just stressing me out more than I thought."
Amelia just nodded and wrapped her arms tighter around Tara.
Tara sighed and tried to let herself get comfortable in Amelia's arms. But something felt different. Tara knew what they had was great. She knew Amelia was great. That hadn't changed. And even though she couldn't quite figure out what it was- something had changed.
"Well Carpenter, should we get up and greet the day?" Amelia asked, rubbing her palm up and down Tara's back gently.
Tara let out a sigh and closed her eyes, "Can we just stay here another minute?"
"Sure." Amelia pressed a kiss to the top of Tara's head and relaxed into the mattress.
Tara tried to figure out what was different this morning but couldn't quite place it. Amelia still felt safe, comfortable, like she always had. Maybe it wasn't Amelia that was different, maybe it was Tara. Maybe safe wasn't what she wanted anymore. At least not in the way it felt in that moment.
—
"Oh my god." Anika muttered quietly, "oh my god."
Amber let out a sigh, "you've been saying that for half an hour, Kayoko."
"I'm sorry." Anika squeaked, "I just- this is just really difficult."
"Come on, it's only Monday. It's not healthy to be this stressed out already." Amber's eyes squinted as she focused her attention on the sketch pad in front of her, trying to get the lines just right.
"Oh no, this is my usual level of anxiety on any given day." Anika peeked around the side of her sketch pad quickly before hiding behind it again, working on the shape of her drawing.
Amber chuckled and looked back to the center of the room, "Hey beefcake, quit moving!"
"Oh, sorry!" Chad gave her a goofy grin before once again standing like a statue, his face serious as he concentrated way too hard at the simple task of standing still.
Anika drew a few more lines and frowned, knowing she had to look at the model again. She peered around at him before going back to her drawing, "Tara said your study sessions have been quite helpful."
"Oh has she?" Amber smiled for a second before forcing her face to go neutral again. She hadn't talked to Tara since last week when she gave her back her folder. She had ignored her texts over the weekend and hadn't even gotten back to her about their usual study session for the next day.
She wasn't sure why it bothered her so much that Tara looked through her pictures. Maybe because they were personal? Maybe because Weathers said they weren't good and she was embarrassed? Whatever. Enough thinking about Tara.
"How's your self portrait coming along? Run out of paint yet?" Amber joked, glancing over at Anika and stifling a laugh at seeing the picture of Chad on her sketch pad, where his 'private' area was conveniently still blank and had yet to be drawn.
"I thought drawing Chad here was going to be the hardest part of this class, but the self portrait for the midterm has been quite difficult." Anika turned to look at Amber with a distraught face.
Amber actually laughed at how sincere Anika was being. She never would have imagined she would get along with her. She may be high strung, but Amber found her to be hilarious, even if it was by accident most of the time. She admittedly didn't like many people, but she did like Anika.
—
Tara sat in her usual spot in the back of the library. She was tapping her pencil furiously on the arm of the chair, glancing up at the clock every few seconds. She hadn't talked to Amber since she blew up at her about her folder the week before. But she figured silence was a good thing in this case, and that things would go back to normal on Tuesday.
They would deal with each other long enough to get through yet another tutoring session and then go their separate ways until the next one. But so far, Amber was a no show.
—
"Mother, this really isn't a good time." Amber's jaw tightened and she glanced around at the students passing by.
"Darling, what was I to do when you ignored all my requests for you to come see me." Amber's mother crossed her arms over her chest sternly.
Amber rolled her eyes, "I'm your daughter, not a member of your faculty that will respond to orders in an email."
"Watch your tone." Her mothers voice was cold, clinical. If you didn't already know she was Amber's mother, you would assume they were strangers. "I expect you to take your studies seriously. Failing Professor Macher's class is an embarrassment. Not only for you, but for me as well."
—
Tara looked at the time on her phone and let out an annoyed sigh. 30 minutes late. How long was she supposed to wait before she should assume Amber wasn't coming?
30 minutes.
Tara started packing up her things and shoved her phone in her pocket. She stomped silently (she is in a library, after all) towards the door but slowed her pace as she got closer to it. She could see someone standing outside the doors, and she was pretty sure it was Amber.
She was talking to someone and based on her posture and body language, she wasn't very happy.
As Tara got closer she realized who it was. The Dean. She looked around the library but no one was paying attention to her, or the pair talking in hushed but angry voices outside the library doors.
Tara looked back and watched as the Dean stood up tall and looked down her nose at Amber. Her actions made it seem like she was scolding Amber, talking down to a child. Which didn't seem out of character at all.
Tara had never had to deal with the dean herself, but she had heard stories. She was six feet of power suited, middle aged glamazon that had the ability to make you feel like she was going to suck your soul out through your eyeballs. Extremely intimidating, not just to students, but for professors as well. No matter what she was doing or who she was talking to, she had a knack for making you feel like a disappointment.
Even from her hiding place behind the door, Tara found herself feeling inadequate- for what she wasn't even sure.
Tara bit her bottom lip watching Amber's posture deflate. If she was feeling this crappy just by being near the dean, how must Amber be feeling getting a personal chewing out from her?
She didn't have much time to think about it because suddenly the door was opening and Amber was standing practically right in front of her.
"I uh, hi! I wasn't doing anything." Tara stammered, gripping the strap of her bag and looking around nervously.
"Sure. Cause that's not the face of someone eavesdropping at all." Amber rolled her eyes and started to walk past her. "You leaving or are we still doing this?"
"Oh, yeah, I just wasn't sure cause you were late." Tara turned to follow Amber. "What was that about?"
Amber looked over her shoulder at Tara who was still following her but didn't say anything. Tara sat down as they got back to the couches, attention still on the clearly upset girl now sitting on the couch
"She didn't like something I said." Amber said it casually as she started going through her book bag.
"What, in like a lecture or something?"
"Doesn't matter. It's shape up or get out." Amber shrugged, feigning indifference. Things were a little more complicated than that. Her mother being the Dean definitely made it a struggle to be there sometimes, but Amber actually really enjoyed learning and would probably be devastated if she really had to leave.
"Get out?" Tara looked completely baffled, "how can you act so casual about that?"
"Aw, afraid you'll miss me, princess?" Amber flirted sarcastically. Wearing her signature smirk and raising an eyebrow. Sarcasm had always been her defense mechanism and her own personal way of avoiding actually feeling things. Why hold back now?
Tara scoffed at the comment before completely ignoring it, "That's not fair." Tara blurted out, "Students struggle all the time, just because she's the dean doesn't mean she can single you out and threaten you like that."
"Really creampuff, it's not worth getting all worked up about." Amber looked around, noticing Tara's volume was attracting a few stares from other students studying.
"Whatever." Tara shrunk in her chair, "I just hate when people abuse their authority instead of using it to help people. All these professors that could care less about the kids here, why teach if you just don't care?"
"Well you know teachers, they are only in it for the money." Amber joked.
Tara glared at Amber, "I'm being serious here and all you can do is make crappy jokes. Are you really so damaged that you're incapable of caring about anything?"
"Do you really think caring would actually do anything about it?" Amber scoffed, "Because I'm sure if you stay pure of heart and really believe that, that'll make a difference."
"Well, it's better than lounging around all day and pretending to be all cool and disaffected when really you're just miserable and alone." Tara was starting to get frustrated at this point. How could Amber just not care? And why was she being such a jerk when all Tara was trying to do was tell her how unfair the dean was being? She was on her side for heaven's sake!
"And you really think you could do a lick of actual good? It's the way things are and always will be. They have the power, and they use it." Amber shook her head and leaned back on the couch, "You're a child. And you understand nothing. Not about life. Not about this place. And certainly not about what it takes to survive in a world that— you know what? The sooner you stop playing super hero trying to change the world, the better."
Tara didn't understand. She didn't understand that it was more than just an upset teacher. It was her mother. Her mother, who had always pushed Amber to do more, to be better... Out of love, or something else, Amber had never been sure. But she was sure of one thing. That wasn't about to change just because some naive girl thought it was unfair.
Tara watched as Amber's expression shifted. The words she was saying said one thing- that she didn't care and there was no point in trying. Her face said something completely different. She did care, but something was holding her back from allowing herself to actually try.
"No." Tara spoke up finally.
"What?" Amber eyes shot up to Tara's as she answered automatically. Honestly surprised by her response.
Tara shrugged a shoulder like it was the easiest decision she's ever made. "No. I'm not just gonna not care. Maybe you're right. Maybe I am a child. A girl who never left her city limits before she got here. Who thought that university was gonna be some big adventure full of books to read and parties to dance at. Who thought classes would be full of teachers who loved doing their job and would make learning exciting. Well, it turns out the world doesn't work exactly how I thought it was going to. Parties are full of numbskulls getting hammered and kids are failing and dropping out and nobody seems to care so.. maybe that's just the way it is, but that does not mean I have to accept it. I deserve better. Hell, even you deserve better."
Amber's expression softened. How could it not? Tara was so sure about what she was saying. The amount of passion in that tiny body was quite inspiring. And as apathetic as Amber pretended to be, hearing Tara say she deserved better, made her actually believe it. Even if only a tiny bit.
Tara opened her book and set it on the table in front of them, still full of determination left over from her rant.
Amber pulled out her own books, still thinking about what Tara had said.
With what felt like constant failure in her photography class- the one subject Amber was actually trying to do well in, it seemed pointless to really try in her other classes. Her mother was right, too. Failing Macher's class was embarrassing for her. She was good at psychology. And she even enjoyed it. So why had she given up on trying so easily?
Then here was Tara. Struggling in the same class, and working her ass off just to pass.
"What are you doing?" Amber shifted in her seat slightly. Tara had pulled out her laptop and was typing away furiously on it.
"Emailing my editor." Her eyes were locked intently on the screen, the tip of her tongue stuck out the side of her mouth in concentration. "I write for the school newspaper, not that you care, but I just got an idea for a series."
Amber watched her closely, Tara's eyes were full of passion, her lips twitching Into a smile as her typing gradually slowed. Her eyes traced the screen, rereading what was in front of her, before she hit a key with a triumphant attitude and shut her laptop.
"Now, I know this isn't your favorite thing in the world, but I am not going to be one of those students that fails out of college." Tara pushed her laptop aside and put her attention back on her textbook.
"Why are you even in this class?" Amber hadn't thought about the question, it just seemed to come out. Tara had spent less than a minute typing out that email and already Amber could tell that was what she was meant for. Journalism. The way her eyes lit up, the confidence that poured from her. It was just so... Tara.
"Psychology?" Tara looked over at her slightly confused by the question.
Amber just nodded, keeping her face neutral.
Tara shrugged, "I thought understanding people would make me a better journalist."
"Is it working?" Amber asked, putting her attention to the book in front of her.
"Well I can barely understand this book, and people are way more complicated. So you tell me." Tara pouted, resting her forearms on her knees.
Amber chuckled quietly and that ended the conversation. The study session went by fairly uneventful after that. They didn't talk much, Amber would pose a question and Tara would search for the answer in her text book. It was definitely different from their previous sessions that were all examples and explaining. But Amber was a little distracted thinking about Tara's words from earlier.
—
During a particularly quiet moment of studying, Amber glanced up and saw the familiar redhead making her way towards them. Not missing a beat she packed her bag and stood up to leave.
Tara didn't realize what was happening until Amber was already walking away. She was confused at first, then she saw Amelia and let out a sigh watching the dark haired girl walk away and her girlfriend walking towards her.
She wasn't sure what made her stomach churn, Amber leaving without a goodbye or Amelia approaching. Either way, it didn't seem like a feeling she should be having. Tara shook off the feeling the best she could, blaming it on basically yelling at Amber earlier and making the rest of their study session a little awkward. That was probably all it was, anyway.
Amelia sat down on the arm of Tara's chair and let her arm wrap around the small girl's shoulder, nodding toward Amber, "What's her problem?"
Tara watched Amber walk out of the library and let out a sigh, "I don't know. Long day I guess. We kind of had a fight, but not really."
"A fight?" Amelia looked over towards the door then back to Tara, "what about?"
"I'm actually not sure." Tara scratched her head, "She's... Complicated."
"Alright." Amelia could tell there was more to it but knew things were already shaky between her and Tara and she didn't want to give her another reason to push her away.
"You here to walk me home?" Tara breathed out only half annoyed.
"If that's ok?" Amelia asked, watching her carefully.
"Might as well." Tara shrugged and stood up and sling her backpack over her shoulder.
They were walking down the front steps of the library when Amelia finally spoke up again, "Are you free this weekend? I thought maybe we could go out, have some fun before midterms."
"That actually sounds awesome." Tara smiled and let Amelia take hold of her hand, "But it'll have to be Saturday. I told Anika I'd go to her art midterm presentation thing happening Friday."
"Saturday's great." Amelia smiled down at Tara before remembering what they had talked about at their last summer society meeting, "oh crap."
"What?" Tara tugged Amelia's hand gently, glancing up at her.
Amelia sighed, "Omega Kappa Beta are throwing a party Saturday and the Summers decided— well, Mel decided, we should be there to keep an eye on things. After the last one, you never know what's going down with the OKB."
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I was pulling tiny fish from my hair for days after the last one." Tara let out a laugh, "But that's actually perfect. What's more fun than a college party, right?"
Amelia pouted slightly, slowing down her stride as they got closer to Tara's apartment building, "Well I was kind of hoping it could just be the two of us. It's been a while since we've, I don't know, connected?"
Tara grimaced at Amelia's words, she was right, and for some reason- it hadn't bothered Tara like it probably should have. She knew Amelia was smart and had probably noticed the distance growing between them. As much as Tara was trying to get over the little things that had been bothering her, she couldn't quite let them go so easily.
"Well, this weekend we can party with Omega Kappa Beta, then after midterms we can go out and celebrate our hopefully passing grades." Tara tugged Amelia's hand, pulling her low enough so she could plant a kiss on her cheek while standing on her toes. "Just the two of us." She smiled wide at her, probably trying to convince herself she was happy about it more than she was trying to convince Amelia.
Amelia just nodded before the two of them said quick goodbyes and Tara all but ran inside her apartment building.
—
*click*
Amber lowered her camera slowly, keeping her eyes on the view in front of her.
Sleep hasn't been coming easily lately. She often found herself walking down empty streets, through deserted parks and a bare campus. Filling the time until the sun came up.
Tonight she had found herself walking through a quiet neighborhood, streetlights lining the streets, houses that all looked the same. Same yards, same shutters on the windows, same cars, fences and lives.
She had stopped at the house at the end of the block. It was different from the rest. The lawn wasn't kept, rose bushes were overgrown with thorns and roses draped violently over the edge of the fence. Petals had fallen, covering the browning grass in hues of pink and red. The paint on the fence was dull, chipped, the wood nearly rotted. The wind blew lightly and the gate creaked as the air pushed it open. Its hinges aching with every movement.
The car parked in the driveway was old. Rusted. It wasn't shiny or well maintained like the rest down the street. It had been driven. Through mountains filled with trees covered in leaves— red, yellow, green, as cool autumn air blew them from their drying branches. It had seen beaches along the coast line, parked in the sand for afternoon picnics under palm trees. It had been to country side rodeos, where the cars lined up in empty fields and the sounds of the county fair could be heard. Laughter, music, flashing lights and the roar of carnival rides.
It had been someone's first car. The car someone had learned to drive in. The car someone had their first date in. Even their first kiss, maybe.
At least that's what Amber imagined could have been.
*click*
The fog from the cool air surrounded the house, giving it an eerie feeling. The only light coming from the street lamps lining the road, and the porch light, on the house that Amber had stopped at.
The other houses were completely dark. Families asleep, unaware of the world still turning while they dreamed.
But this house was different. The porch light was lit. It was the only thing about the house that seemed alive. That seemed to be paid attention to. Whoever lived there clearly didn't care about the yard, the state the house was in, the rotting fence or the rusted car. But that light illuminated the front door, almost as if to invite someone to come home.
*click*
Amber let her camera hang from its strap around her neck as she gave the house one more look before walking back up the street. Her path seemed to glow under the streetlights surrounded by fog. Walking through the clouds in a city that was fast asleep. She couldn't help but think about that house and wonder who they were waiting for. Who had the light been left on for? What kind of person would choose to leave the light on in the first place, just in case?
Her boots made heavy steps as the morning grew closer. The fog started to disappear as the sun began to rise. Condensation held to the grass under her feet and dripped from leaves still clinging to the trees.
She zipped her jacket up and shoved her hands into the pockets, trying to regain some warmth. She hadn't realized she had been walking all night until the sun started to peek from behind buildings to spread a blanket of light across the city. She watched her feet make their way along the pavement with easy steps back to her apartment.
Finally feeling like she might be able to sleep, Amber decided she didn't need to go to her Wednesday classes anyway. She got to her apartment and pulled her keys from her pocket, unlocked the door and kicked off her boots as soon as she was inside. She gently pulled her camera from around her neck and placed it on the kitchen table.
Walking back to her bedroom she didn't waste time taking her pants off and dropping them on the floor before crawling into her bed and pulling the heavy comforter over herself. She settled into the mattress and let out a sleepy sigh as she closed her eyes.
Maybe one day someone will leave a light on for her to find her way home.
Tara Carpenter was probably the type to leave the light on for someone...
With that final thought Amber drifted off to sleep as slivers of light made their way through the cracks in her blinds, reflecting off the dust particles swirling in the room around her.
—
Tara made her way through the library slowly. Midterms were coming up extremely fast and she was beyond stressed. This was their last study session before the weekend, then it was a week full of tests and papers due and Tara was nowhere near ready. She rounded the corner slowly, peering around the shelves to see if she was going to have to break up yet another make out session but was pleasantly surprised to see Amber alone.
Her feet were thrown up on the table in front of the couch, ankles crossed and toes tapping side to side to what must have been a musical beat. She had headphones in her ears, her head leaned back on the cushion behind her back and her arms were crossed lazily over her chest.
For a college student with midterms coming up, she looked rather relaxed.
Tara made her way over to her seat and set her bag down without a reaction from the dark haired girl. She wasn't sure exactly what to do. Things on Tuesday were kind of awkward with Tara pretty much yelling at her and she didn't want to make things worse, so she just pulled out her book and set it in her lap.
She watched Amber for a minute while she tried to decide what to do. Amber's hair fell back loosely and spread across the couch cushion. It always looked so soft and suddenly Tara had the urge to run her fingers through it just to prove to herself that it wasn't actually silk. Amber must have liked the song that came on because her lips twitched up into a smile, which was a rare sight. A smirk or a scowl, those were her signature looks.
Tara couldn't help but smile at herself, thinking she looked rather beautiful that way. Relaxed. Happy— or at least content.
Deciding it was probably getting a little creepy of her to just watch her tutor listen to music, she cleared her throat rather loudly and tapped her foot against the leg of the table, causing it to jostle Amber's feet that were set on top of it.
"Ah, princess. You're late." Amber smirked, stretching her arms up over her head before tugging the headphones from her ears.
Tara just rolled her eyes, a habit she picked up from Amber, no doubt. "By like 5 minutes. And you didn't even notice."
"Of course I noticed." Amber's tone was flirty as she dropped her feet from the table and reached into her bag. She pulled something out and tossed it on the table in front of Tara.
"What's this?" Tara raised an eyebrow and cautiously looked at the cards sitting on the table in front of her, wrapped in a rubber band.
"Flash cards." Amber said flatly, "They don't bite." She followed up, noticing Tara's hesitance to do anything other than stare at them.
"That's.. uncharacteristically considerate of you." Tara's face scrunched up slightly confused at the gesture. It was a little strange for Amber to be nice. By choice. Sure they had their moments where they weren't at each other's throats— but nice, that was new.
"Yeah well, I just don't want you failing and dragging me down with you." Amber grumbled, slouching back in her seat.
There was the usual grumpy Amber she was used to.
"Oh.." Tara laughed sarcastically, "yeah, of course not."
"Whatever." Amber rolled her eyes, internally chastising herself for whatever possessed her to make more of an effort with Tara.
Tara just chuckled at Amber's less than convincing tone and pulled out her book and notes. She shot a glance over to Amber and narrowed her eyes at her, trying to study her if only for a second.
Of course Amber decides to start acting like a halfway decent human being the moment Tara decides to stop caring all together. The plan was to study, use Amber's brain, try to ignore her sarcastic comments and start passing this class so she can quit with the tutoring sessions and get little miss broody out of her life.
So to say this sudden kindness was unexpected would be an understatement.
Tara picked the cards up and turned them over in her hand slowly.
"They're study cards or whatever. To help with memorization." Amber leaned forward and took the cards from Tara's hands. She pulled off the rubber band and started shuffling through them, "You're annoying but.. if you fail the midterm, Macher will probably replace you with someone even more OCD for me to tutor. The devil you know, you know?" She extended her hand out again, waiting for Tara to take the cards back.
"Uh, thank you." Tara spoke slowly, taking the cards from Amber and looking through them for a moment.
Amber shrugged, leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and interlocked her hands in front of her. She glanced down towards the book in front of her and bit her bottom lip while she read.
Tara set down the cards and scooted forward in her chair, getting slightly closer to Amber, "Sooo, in the spirit of this newfound closeness, maybe you could tell me where you go to take your pictures?"
Tara looked at her with hopeful eyes. The few pictures she had seen were quite incredible. She couldn't imagine a place like that existing right here in the middle of the city. And if Amber was suddenly feeling friendly, she didn't want to miss the chance to find out more about her.
"Mmm." Amber hummed, looking up through her eyelashes at Tara with a small smile, "well I have to keep some of my secrets. Otherwise I'll lose my air of mystery, won't I?"
Tara felt her body shiver under Amber's stare. Something about it felt different today. She chuckled nervously before diving right in to asking about Pavlov's approach to classical conditioning.
Amber just smiled at Tara's attempt to ignore her comment and started explaining Pavlov's experiment with dogs, conditioning them to react to a specific sound—
Tara honestly wasn't even paying attention to what Amber was saying. She could see her lips moving and her eyes doing that thing they did when she was getting really into what she was talking about, but she may as well have been speaking Latin.
Tara nodded like she was paying attention. Was that..? Was she just flir...? She half way giggled and shook her head to herself at the thought.
"No?" Amber looked at her with a confused expression. "Why are you shaking your head at me?"
Tara's eyes widened as she realized what she was doing and started stumbling over her words, "sorry I was just, can you say that again?"
"Seriously princess, your lack of focus may be the reason you're failing. Whatever you're thinking about, better be more interesting than dogs that salivate at the sound of a bell." Amber rolled her eyes but started explaining from the beginning.
I think she might be . Tara thought to herself before forcing herself to pay attention to save herself from being embarrassed yet again.
soooooo many updates