As I walk into school I see Jennifer walking towards me. She's practically glowing and she know it.
"Hi, Emily! How was detention yesterday?" She inquires, linking her arm with mine. I've never been a big fan of physical touch and as soon as it's not rude I let go of her arm.
"Great actually. I got to choose what I did, so it was quite relaxing," I respond with a smile.
"I'm relieved you made it out in one piece. With Ms. Anderson, you never know. She was in a mood yesterday," she chuckles.
"Well, during detention, she was surprisingly nice, so I guess she has some serious mood swings," I mention as I head to my locker to gather the stuff I need today. We only have two classes together today: English and calculus, and oddly enough, I'm actually pleased about it. Don't get me wrong I like Jennifer, but at times she's quite chatty and doesn't seem to know when to stop.
Our first class is calculus, and we just have to do a worksheet. After that, we go our separate ways: I have Biology, and she has History. Biology can be fascinating, but sometimes it's just not. Today is one of those days. It feels like the clock is moving extra slow before the bell finally rings, and I practically sprint out of there. Next up is chemistry, which can swing between interesting and not so much. We had to work in groups on a lab today, which turned out to be really fun.
The final class of the day was English, and just the thought of it made my cheeks flush. I settle into a seat at the back, and a little later, Jennifer joins me.
"Did you ask your friends if it's okay for me to go come along this weekend?" she whispers, even though Ms. Anderson isn't even here yet.
"Yeah, I did. They're totally okay with it," I whisper back with a smile.
"Great! What are you wearing? And where are we going?" she asks eagerly.
"We're heading to a bar, and I'm going to wear something comfortable. It's not a place to dress up too much. But feel free to if you want," I reply just as Ms. Anderson walks in.
"Alright, everyone, today's lesson is on Shakespeare and his plays," she announces while jotting down his name on the board. I'm staring again, but she's looking as good as always. She's wearing those pants she was wearing Monday, but this time in the colour brown. Her top has a low-cut v-line, and I can't help but keep looking as she leans on her desk to check her computer.
As she's teaching, we have to make notes. And I did.. at first. But then I started staring again, for god knows how long, before Jennifer gave me a little push. I look at her and she nods at the front of the room. Ms. Anderson is waiting with anticipation in her eyes.
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, miss." I apologise and she sighs.
"How old is Juliet in the play?" She asks me and luckily for me, I know that one.
"She's fourteen." I answer and Ms. Anderson looks a little impressed but as soon as I catch it it's gone again.
"Do you also know how old Romeo is?" She asks me as she crosses her arms.
"It's not explicitly stated, but people believe he's two or three years older than Juliet which would make him sixteen or seventeen." I answer and again she's looks surprised.
"That's correct." She nods and turns around again. I let out a breath and look over to Jennifer who's already smiling at me.
The bell rings, and everyone begins to pack up. Ms. Anderson distributes the assignments we worked on earlier in the week as we exit the classroom. She gives me mine, and I grin upon seeing the A+.
"Good work, Emily. It's nicely written," she remarks.
"Thanks," I reply with a smile and head out of the classroom.
It's Wednesday, so we have the afternoon off. I picked up an extra shift at the bookstore, starting at two. I head home, change into work-appropriate attire, grab a quick bite, and check the time. It's only twelve thirty, so I decide to take Diva for a walk. Despite her intimidating appearance, she's actually the sweetest dog. As I grab her collar and leash, Diva gets all excited, jumping up and down in the hallway and wagging her tail.
"You wanna go out for a walk that bad, huh?" I say as I'm putting my shoes on and pat her on the head. "Let's go then." I say, running out the door.
Our neighborhood is a lovely place for a stroll, and not far from my place is the town center. While I'm walking, I receive a text from my dad, informing me that he'll be home late tonight and that we don't need to wait up for him. As I'm replying to his message, I accidentally bump into someone.
"I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying attention," I apologize and glance at the person. I'd be damned. It's Ms. Anderson, again.
"No worries. You seem to have a talent for bumping into people, don't you?" She chuckles and asks. It's the sweetest thing I've ever heard, I think to myself. "Is this the famous Diva you mentioned in your text?" She inquires as she bends down to pet her.
"Yes, this is her," I reply, and a smile spreads across my face. Diva clearly adores her because she's showering her with licks while wagging her tail.
Ms. Anderson stands up and gestures towards the bookstore, saying, "I was actually on my way to the bookstore. I've finished the book you recommended." She smiles warmly.
"What did you think?" I ask eagerly.
"I loved it. Her relationship with her true love was heartbreakingly beautiful," she expresses with a smile tinged with sadness as she remembers. "Do you have any other books you recommend? I'd love to read another book as good as that one," she inquires, prompting me to consider for a moment.
"I recommend 'If We Were Villains'; it has Shakespearean elements and is as heart-wrenching as 'The Seven Husbands Of Evelyn Hugo,'" I suggest, to which she nods in agreement.
"I guess I know what book I'm reading next," she declares. "Well, I'll leave you to it. Thanks for the recommendation, and I'll see you tomorrow, Emily," she says before waving goodbye as she heads towards the bookshop and vanishes. These little interactions are growing on me. She's genuinely kind and engaged in our conversations. I still can't fathom why she's so different during class.
I'm eating diner as my dad walks in. He's not that late after all. My shift at the bookstore was calm, and I even had some time to read.
"Hi, dad," I greet him, and he smiles back.
"Hi, honey. How was your day?" he asks while putting his shoes away.
"Great! I got an A+ in English," I beam with pride.
"That's fantastic, Emily!" He kisses me on the head and gets a plate for himself. While Mom and Dad chat, I finish and put my plate in the dishwasher.
"I'm heading upstairs to get some rest. See you tomorrow," I say, giving them both a quick kiss before dashing up the stairs. In my room, I find Diva on my bed. She perks up as I walk in and rushes over to greet me.
"Hi, baby. Want to sleep with me tonight?" I pet her before heading to the bathroom for a shower. After changing into my pajamas and getting ready, I lie down on the bed, trying not to start reading a book. I grab my phone, check Insta for messages, and find a few from Lily, sending me animal reels. After watching them, I decide to put my phone away and go to sleep.
• • •
A/N
Mentioning of self harm relapsing and panic attacks
I get out of bed and search for some nice clothes. As I'm changing, I look at my arms and almost cry. As much as I want my scars to fade, today is one of those days I want them back. It's like I need them to validate my struggles. It feels like I wasn't 'sick' enough. I know I'm getting better, but some days I wanna relapse. Just crawl back into the hole I'm used to and feel safe. But I know I have to fight the urge and I'll try, it's just going to take a lot out of me.
I get dressed and try to push the feeling down and go on with my day. As I'm heading down the stairs, I hear Diva run after me.
"Hi, girl. Did you sleep well?" I pet her as walk into the kitchen. Mom is already making breakfast and I sit down.
"Everything okay, honey?" Mom asks. Sometimes, when you're holding back tears, those words just break you.
"Yeah, just a bad day." I say and my voice cracks. Mom walk around the counter and pulls me into a hug. She kisses the side of my head before she says, "You don't have to go to school if don't feel up to it, alright."
"No, I'm fine. I just have to get through the day and staying in my room will make too much space for thoughts I don't wanna think right now." I whisper, still hugging her.
"If you say so. But if you're not feeling well at school, you call me, and I'll pick you up, alright?" She asks, pulling away to look into my eyes. I nod, wiping my tears away. I glance at my food, but I'm not very hungry, so I decide to take it with me. While I pack everything up and put on my shoes, mom gives me another hug, which I gladly accept.
"I love you. See you tonight," she says, releasing the hug.
"I love you too," I reply, grabbing my keys and pushing the door open.
Once at school I make my way to my locker before going to the bathroom. I feel nauseous and I'm getting hot. As I start to get trouble breathing and start panicking, Jennifer walks in.
"Emily? What's wrong?" She asks panicked.
"I-I can't breathe," I struggle to say. I need to sit down before I collapse. Jennifer rushes out and quickly returns with Ms. Anderson. Ms. Anderson kneels in front of me, holding my hands, and instructs Jennifer to go to class.
"Hey, hey. It's okay. You're okay," she tries to comfort me. "Look at me. Look at me, darling," she says, and I follow her instructions.
"That's it. Just breathe, alright. In... and out," she maintains eye contact as we breathe together. Then she adds, "You're doing good, just repeat it a few more times." I feel myself calming down with every breath I take.
After what feels like forever, I can breathe normally again. Tears are streaming down, and she gently wipes them away while gazing at me. All of a sudden I feel embarrassed and look down. She grabs my chin and gently lifts it, making me meet her eyes. "What's wrong?" she asks, her care and concern touching me deeply. No one's ever looked at me the way she's looking at me right now. Her presence captivates me until the school bell interrupts. I shake my head, trying to process the moment.
"I'm fine. I'm sorry I-"she cuts me of before I can finish my sentence.
"Don't you dare apologize. You didn't do anything wrong,"she reassures me, brushing some strands of hair out of my face and putting them behind my ear. "Can you stand up?"I nod, and she helps me to my feet. Walking to a stall, she grabs some paper and wets it. I'm puzzled until I see in the mirror that my mascara has smudged. Catching my gaze, she holds up the paper. I agree, and she gently starts removing it.
She's so close that I can feel her breath on my skin. I look at her and take in her features. Her light blue eyes have a dark circle around them and on her upper lip, she has a small scar. She has some small wrinkles around her eyes and mouth that are only noticeable from up close and I think they're beautiful. She has dimples when she smiles and I know that because she's smiling right now, noticing me staring.
"Do you like what you see?" She whispers and chuckles lightly. God this woman makes me feel things.
"I do." I say, not knowing where the confidence is from, but I'm not going to be lying about how I think she looks. I don't think she expected that answer, because she stops what she's doing and looks me in the eyes. The eye contact is intense, but I'm not breaking it and neither is she. She's still close enough for me to feel her breath and for a moment I think we might kiss. She's looking at my lips just before she takes a step back.
"You're all cleaned up," she says, smiling, then glancing away, though I notice her cheeks are flushed.
"Thank you," I reply, returning her smile. I don't know how I'm keeping it together; usually, I'm the one blushing.
"If you're up to it, you should get to class." She says, throwing the paper away and turning around.
"Yeah, you're right," I agree, picking up my bag and heading towards the exit. Pausing before I leave, I turn back and say, "thanks again- for- for helping." I say, struggling to find the words.
"No problem," she nods , and just as I'm about to leave, she adds, "and Emily, if you ever want to talk, you can always come to me." She reassures and I nod. "Thanks." I say and leave the bathroom. I love how she's not pushing me to answer, it gives me some sort of safe feeling.
As the day went on, I started feeling somewhat better. During lunch, Jennifer and I sat outside, the sun warm on our bodies.
"Hey Emily, are you okay? You seemed off earlier," she says with a concerned look.
"Oh, I'm fine, just had a rough morning," I reply, trying to brush it off.
"What happened? You can talk to me about it," Jennifer persists.
"It's nothing, really. Let's just enjoy the sunshine," I suggest, trying to change the subject.
"Alright, but if you ever want to talk, I'm here for you," Jennifer reassures me.
"Thanks," I smile.
Thursday is the only day we don't have English and I'm relieved by that. With what happened earlier, I don't know how to act around her. I keep telling myself she was just looking out for me and nothing more happened, but the way she looked at me, the way her eyes lingered on my lips, and then taking a step back blushing – it's all making me overthink things.
I've got so many questions that need answers, but I decide they can wait for another day.