Hey everyone, sorry that this took so long to post, but... Stuff happens, ya' know?
I'm very aware about the situation with My Chemical Romance, and I understand that some of you may stop reading this because of that, but please... Don't give up, friends. I have a very long, very personal response to Gerard's letter, which I might be posting later (maybe not today, though.) I don't expect you to read said letter when it's posted, seeing as it's more for me than anyone else, but if you do, I hope it offers comfort, or at least some form of contentment.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and again, I'm so sorry that it's taken this long to post... But if you'd like, I'll be posting a teaser for the next chapter on this story's official Instagram (@frerard_a_deux) as a form of apology.
Thanks everyone :)
xø,
Adrenaline
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We stood there in silence for a few minutes, our confessions weighing heavy in the air.
I didn't regret it, not at all, because it was true.
I wanted to fall in love with Gerard, one day. I wasn't ready to... But it would happen, eventually.
It had to.
I was sure of it.
Gerard pulled me into his arms suddenly, hugging me tight, causing a surprised sound to escape my lips.
"Did you just squeak?" he chuckled, chest vibrating.
I wiggled in his arms, trying to push him away jokingly, but he just laughed, holding me tighter.
"You did, didn't you? I made you squeak..."
He sounded far too proud about that.
I felt heat rise in my cheeks, probably turning me pink. "Gerard-"
He laughed quietly, not loosening his grip and placing a kiss on my cheek. "I wonder what other noises I can get you to make..." he murmured, lips brushing my ear.
I think his words had melted me, by that point.
"You're blushing," he said, a smile teasing the corners of his lips upwards.
I sighed as I gave into his hug, resting my forehead on his shoulder in defeat. "Aren't I always?"
"Seems like it."
There was a sudden knock at his bedroom door and we jumped apart. I'd almost forgotten that there was someone else in the house.
"Gerard? Frank?"
"Yeah?" Gerard said, walking to the door and flinging it open. He looked annoyed- I guess he'd forgotten someone else was here, too. Sometimes it was just way too easy to get caught up in out own little world, tucked away in Gerard's room. "Why are you knocking? You never knock."
Mikey just shrugged, glancing over at me. "I don't know, sorry. Just didn't know what you were doing in here, or if I was interrupting something..."
"Well, you are interrupting something, so..." Gerard paused for a second. "Wait, what did you think we were d-? You know what, never mind. Don't answer that."
I felt my throat close up in embarrassment as I realized what Mikey had been implying. "We're not... I mean... We weren't..."
Gerard turned his head slightly, laughing at me with a soft, playful chuckle. "You're the color of a tomato."
I hit him lightly in the arm, knowing that the already intense blushing was probably just getting worse. "Have I ever told you how much I hate you both?"
Gerard just laughed again. "Oh, babe, you don't mean that."
My face was so warm that I was starting to get uncomfortable. "Don't call me that."
He grinned, but didn't comment further, turning to his brother. "Anyway, what do you want, Mikey?"
"Oh, yeah... We're out of bread."
Gerard paused for a second, confused. "And you're telling us this why...?"
Mikey shrugged, pushing his glasses up higher on his nose. "We need bread, is all, and I want toast."
Gerard rolled his eyes. "It's not even seven in the morning yet and you want me to go get bread so you can have toast?"
"Yeah! I'm hungry, and the only cereal left is the kind you like!"
Gerard sighed at him, starting to walk away, towards his bed, sitting down and sighing.
He was exhausted, you could tell just by looking at him. I really regret agreeing to him finally getting some sleep tonight, because he needed it now.
"There's other food besides cereal," Gerard said defiantly.
"But I want toast."
Gerard rolled his eyes dramatically as he fell face down onto his bed and started explaining how he shouldn't have to go get food when there's plenty in the house.
"If you want toast that badly, go get it yourself!" he concluded, loudly.
I walked over and thumped the back of his head, not being able to stand his disrespect towards his family. "Go buy your brother some bread, Gerard."
"Why should I?"
"Because! He's hungry and I actually am too, now that I think about it, and toast sounds nice."
Gerard rolled onto his back, hair spread out messily, eyes wide in confusion. "What? Why didn't you say something?"
I don't know why, but I was suddenly very annoyed. "Oh, so you'll get bread for me but not for your own brother?"
"Yeah! I mean, he's Mikey, he walks to the store all the time, but you're different-"
"Different? How?"
He faltered. "He's Mikey, you're Frank, I mean... You just are..."
I rolled my eyes. "I'm your friend, he's your family... That's a difference, and it's a big one." I pointed vaguely to Mikey. "He comes before me from now on, okay?"
Gerard sat up, glaring at me. "That's not right, you're equals in my book, just different. If you want bread I'll go with you because it's polite, if he wants bread he can walk to the store himself because that's what he normally does-"
"He's thirteen, Gerard," I interrupted, staring at him in disbelief. "He's your little brother, and I'm- I'm, well..." I sighed. "Honestly, I don't even fucking know what I am to you, anymore... But he's more important than me no matter what, okay?"
"Frank," Gerard said sharply. "You'll always be my first priority. Always."
"Always?" I asked, confused. "Before your family? No. No way in hell am I letting that happen."
"Well," he snapped. "You're going to have to deal with it. You're the most important thing to me right now, and-"
"More important than your family?" I repeated.
I watched as his eyes darted from behind me, where Mikey stood, to me, back to Mikey, and then back to me, meeting my eyes.
"Yes," he said coldly.
I turned to look at Mikey. "Is he always like this?" I asked in disbelief, trying to keep my voice at a normal volume. Mikey just blinked at me. "Have I really been this blind?"
"Blind?" Gerard said loudly, standing up, voice raising suddenly. "To what?"
I stared at him, regretting my own words but defending them, anyway. "To the fact that you're a complete asshole to your own family, that's what..." I suddenly realized a heartbreaking detail. "How much time have you spent with Mikey, recently?"
Gerard folded his arms over his chest. "I don't know... Why does that matter?"
I just looked at him is disgust, the realization sinking in deep in my chest. "You bastard," I said. "You fucking bastard! You've barely talked to him lately, have you?"
He looked down, a muscle in his jaw twitching. "No, I haven't. But-"
"Because you were with me, right?"
I felt horrible.
I felt absolutely disgusted with myself.
I'd never given a second thought about being with Gerard all the time- I'd almost forgotten that he even had a brother, sometimes. I knew for a fact that Gerard has never had many friends, so he and Mikey must be pretty close... And I'd come between that. I'd barely seen Gerard speak to Mikey except for when I strike up a conversation that somehow involved both of them.
I'd completely come between their relationship, and that made me feel so disgustingly inconsiderate.
"I'm leaving," I decided, glancing around. "Where's my cardigan?"
Gerard rolled his eyes. "Frank, you're not-"
"I am! You need to spend time with you brother, Gerard."
He looked at me for a few long seconds. "Is that all that this is about? You think you're getting in the way of me spending time with Mikey?"
I nodded, rubbing my forehead. I felt like such an idiot. How had I not noticed before?
"My relationship with my brother is fine, Frank," Gerard informed me.
I started to turn to look at Mikey but realized that he'd left. "Wh- where'd he go?"
"Probably to his room. He doesn't like it when people argue."
I looked at Gerard, my heart sinking. "Oh."
He wouldn't meet my eyes.
I knew what he wanted.
He wanted an apology.
"I mean what I said," I murmured. "He comes before me no matter what, from now on, okay? I never want you to put me before your family."
Before I could comprehend what was happening, he was hugging me.
I blinked in surprise. It wasn't a hug like before, this was different, this hug was a desperate one.
He shut his eyes tightly, pressing his nose against the place where my neck met my shoulder, leaning down a bit.
I slowly wrapped my arms around him, not quite sure what was happening. His sudden mood swings were beginning to scare me.
"I like you," he said quietly, suddenly. His sudden act of affection had me frozen in confusion. "Until I can say that I love you, I'm just gonna' say that. I like you, Frank, I like you, I like you, I like you. I like you a lot, okay?"
I took a slow breath, trying to understand. "I like you, too, Gerard, but where are you going with this...?"
He pulled himself away from me, suddenly, just looking at me instead. "I like you, but I love Mikey. There's quite a big difference between liking and loving, Frank. I hope you realize that."
I only half-understood.
"Love is when you're attached to someone," he explained. "It's affection, deep affection, that's hard to break."
"Th- then what is liking?"
"It's finding someone agreeable, or enjoyable..."
I closed my eyes, rubbing my forehead.
That couldn't be right...
Surely love was more than just attachment, surely liking was more than just enjoying being around someone? I think for the first time in quite some time, Gerard was wrong. Love was a lot more than attachment and affection, it was much deeper than that, and liking meant you had to be attached. Those definitions were completely wrong.
They had to be.
If they weren't, then I was already in love.
"Mikey knows I love him," Gerard continued. He had one hand on either side of my face, suddenly, looking at me intently. I blinked back. "He knows that I do no matter what, he knows I always will."
"Okay, but-"
"But liking is something you have to prove... That's why... Well, it's why I've been so... Clingy, I guess." His breath brushed behind my ear and I took a deep breath, letting my eyes close again as his lips traced all the way down my jaw, stopping about half an inch from the corner of my mouth.
I wasn't in love, though.
I wasn't.
"Mikey's known that I love him for his entire life. When you love your family, it's obvious... But you, Frank, we're just starting out, and I still feel like you don't know how much I really do like you, sometimes. I constantly feel like I have to prove myself..."
I felt my breathing get shaky, my hands trembling as I reached up, peeling his hands away from my face. "I know," I assured him, laughing faintly. "Trust me, I know that you like me."
He likes me, I like him. Nothing more, nothing less.
He definition had to be wrong.
He had me locked in that hazel gaze of his, and I couldn't bring myself to look away, his hands going instantly back to cup the sides of my face.
"Just so you know..." His forehead rested against mine. "I'm trying to keep my distance, I really am... But you're just so tempting."
If I hadn't been matching the pace of my breathing to his, I would be out of breath and suffocating right now.
"Don't I tempt you, too, Frank?" he whispered. He sounded so desperate, pleading with me, clinging to my skin.
I put my fingers on his shoulders, pushing him away softly, forcing myself to look away. "O- of course you do," I confessed.
My inner turmoil was out of control.
He did tempt me, he tempted me far too much for comfort. I was so scared, but oh, god, I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if I hadn't run out after our kiss, that one day. What if I hadn't chickened out?
He pressed his lips to a spot on my cheek, far too close to my lips, and then stepped away, suddenly. Gerard dropped his hands to his sides, curling his fingers around the hem of his shirt. "Sorry," he whispered. "Sorry..."
I could hardly believe the quality of his self-control- I couldn't decide if he was doing good, or not.
I felt a lump form in my throat as I came to terms with what was happening, here.
I was either burning him, slowly, or I had already shattered him.
I couldn't decide if he really did want me as badly as he seemed to, or if I'd already crushed whatever confidence he had and he was trying to make himself want me again. I couldn't decide if these looks and touches and pleads that I was finally starting to understand were acts of desperation or attempts to put himself back together.
I watched as he looked up at me, almost shyly. He looked so scared right then. He bit his lip and curled his fingers tighter into the fabric of his shirt, knuckles turning white. His hair was tangled, senselessly, his breathing was so disorderly that I could see the uneven pattern as his chest rose and fell.
I could almost hear his heart sputtering out of control, I was sure of it.
"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I'm sorry that..." I couldn't force myself to say it. "I'm sorry we didn't pass the test, I mean."
It took him a second to understand, and he paused, processing the metaphor.
"It's okay." He took a shuddering breath. "I'm just..." He looked down at his feet. "I'm just being a bit selfish, is all..."
"You're not-"
"I mean, I get that you don't... I understand, I mean. And I'm trying to respect that, I really am."
"I know you are," I assured him. I reached out and touched his hand. "And thank you, for that..."
He stared at my hand touching his. "I'm sorry," he said again. "I'm... Oh, god, Frank, why is this so hard?"
I just looked at him, not knowing what to say.
He was breaking my heart, with these mood swings of his, and he was crushing me with guilt. I don't think he intended to, but it was happening either way.
I stared at him, taking a deep breath and really considering the question that was still causing chaos in my head.
Did Gerard tempt me as much as I tempted him?
I realized with a jolt that he did.
He must tempt me, to make me want to love him, right?
I want to fall in love with Gerard.
I want to.
I want a relationship, I want to stay with him forever.
I could honestly not picture life without Gerard.
When I thought about the future, all I could see was him. When I thought about college, in a few years, all I could think about was how much time I'd spend talking to him on the phone late at night and how I'd spend all spring break with him. When I thought about getting a job, all I could think about was trying to work near Gerard. When I imagined getting an apartment of my own, one day, all I could see was a house that we shared.
I could not picture a future without him. It was impossible.
He was a part of my life, now.
Without Gerard nothing would make sense.
It didn't matter, how quickly this relationship went, because we'd be together forever no matter what.
It didn't matter anymore if he was a boy and I was a boy... I liked him and he liked me and that was all I needed to know.
That realization shook me to the very core.
We liked each other. He liked me. I liked him.
That had never happened, with anybody else. Sure, I'd had crushes before, I'd liked people, but never quite like this. I'd never become so attached to someone that I couldn't imagine life without them.
I looked at Gerard, meeting his eyes, and he just looked back. A million thoughts crossed my mind, right then, but the one that reached the surface was a memory, of the only kiss we'd ever shared.
Had it really been that bad? Had running away been the right decision?
I don't think it had been.
We'd spent five days apart because of my stupid insecurities. I'd spent five days in bed, wallowing in a pit of self-hatred and fear, and Gerard... Well, by the time I came crawling back, he looked dead.
I felt my throat close up on itself. That'd been my fault- we'd I'd walked in that day, Gerard had looked like complete shit. It was obvious how tired it was, how little he'd eaten. He'd been lightheaded, he stumbled when he stood, he was tired and his hands had shook for three days after that.
And it was my fault.
I felt an overwhelming sadness take over my heart.
That had been my fault. All my fault... Just because I couldn't kiss him.
Did my lack of affection really tale that much of a toll on him? Was he really that desperate for a relationship?
I think he was.
And actually, I didn't mind.
Not at all.
It no longer bothered me, the concept of kissing. It would happen eventually, wouldn't it?
"I'm willing to try again," I said quietly, my fingers shaking. I closed my eyes. "I think I'd like to re-take the test, if that's okay with you."
I waited.
I don't know what I was expecting.
Was I waiting for him to just kiss me?
Was I waiting for him to say no, to tell me that it was okay if I needed more time?
I forced myself to look at him.
He just stood there, staring at me.
"Well?" I whispered. "What are you waiting for?"
He just shook his head. "Frank, no-"
"Why not?"
"I just... I just don't want..."
"Don't want what?"
He rolled his eyes, frustrated. "I don't want to screw anything up again, okay? I want to do this right..."
I sighed a bit, not sure what to say or what to do.
The one time I actually wanted to kiss him, and he backs out...
I'm glad he didn't kiss me, though.
Even if a future with him was now dead-set in my mind, we had the rest of our lives to figure this out, didn't we?
"Let's go out for dinner tonight," he said suddenly. "Somewhere really nice..." His lips pulled back into a wide grin. "And we'll see where things go from there, okay?"
I nodded slowly, barely comprehending.
Was he...? "Gerard, are you asking me out? On a date? A real date?"
He smiled. "I am."
I could feel my face get warm.
Gerard and I had been "together" for quite some time now, that was for sure, but we'd never actually been on a real date. The closest we'd come to that was eating at the diner, but we did that everyday and had been doing that before we were even actually friends, so it didn't count.
I offered a small smile. "Okay, Gerard. Okay. I'll go on a date with you."
His lips pulled back in a wide grin. "You're serious?"
"Absolutely."
"You're sure about this?"
I nodded.
"Why the sudden change of heart?"
"I'm not exactly sure, but..." I shrugged, suddenly feeling over the top with confidence, unable to keep my smile down. "You're tempting."