I made my way over to the Kiszka's house on Sunday morning with a warm, fresh bowl of vegetable broth soup. It was particularly cold today, the trees bare arms rustling in the howling wind.
Too excited with my idea to make Josh soup, I'd skipped breakfast and instead, spent my time in the kitchen cooking up the healing liquid. I bit back the chatter of my teeth throughout my short walk across the path that connected our front doors, festering in the warmth that the container in my hands gave me.
For some reason, I had an unstoppable smile on my face. Today felt like it would be a good day, spending it with Josh and teasing him of all the things he told me in his feverish haze.
Once I reached their front door I could hear the echo of yelling from inside, clearly from the siblings. I fumbled with the container in my hands for a moment, struggling to grasp it in one palm alone to reach up and knock on the door.
I huffed in frustration at the size of my small, useless hands, the heat from my breath puffing out like smoke in front of me, as I bent down to place the container down onto the floor beside me.
"Ugh," I groaned, noticing the black scuff marks on my red sneakers which definitely weren't there last time I saw them. I was still bent over, furiously rubbing over the spot with the heel of my thumb when a long, droning whistle from behind me gave me a fright.
"Lovely view," a voice hummed behind me, and I straightened up quickly and whipped around, gasping.
A hand flew to my chest to calm my hammering heart, "Sorry, I didn't hear you coming up," I said to the boy who looked my age. He stood at the top of the porch steps, a backwards cap balanced on his head, even though today was as bleak and sunless as it gets. His hands were tucked into his light denim jean pockets and he leaned back, looking at me smugly.
"Oh, don't you worry darl', I could watch that view all day," He said, making me take a subtle step backwards. I noted the southern accent lacing his words and the toothpick he had lodged between his teeth. How much of a try-hard was this guy? He took a step towards me and I felt myself become very uncomfortable.
I said nothing, shifting my weight from one hip to the other.
"Who are you here to see?" He asked. His words sat in the silence between us as I weighed out my answers.
"Josh." I stated simply. His eyebrows raised in surprise.
"Really? I woulda thought you'd be in the younger ones year. What's his name again? Daniel?" He said.
He hadn't done anything to scare me, yet there was something that hung in the air between us. I could feel it in my bones, my belly, whatever, call it instinct, but I wasn't safe with this boy, and by the look on his face, he knew it too. Be it the reality of his danger, or merely his knowledge of my unnecessary fear and the power he had over the situation, he was enjoying himself. And that scared me even more.
"That's their friend." I said. "The younger brother's name is Sam." My confidence slowly melted as I watched his cocky grin morph into something of a snarl.
"I don't actually care," He scoffed, studying me for a minute, cocking his head to the left. Time was going by so slowly, yet so quickly. He made movement towards me, and it felt like the air around us was getting thin, despite the fact that we were outside, and a consistent breeze was caressing my face.
He stood right in front of me, almost toe to toe, and hung his head down close to mine. I felt pathetic and weak, standing, not moving. But nothing like this had ever happened before. I didn't know what to think. My breathing turned shaky the moment he was close enough for me to see the stubble on his jaw.
I recoiled when he reached a hand out towards my face, throwing him the nastiest look I could, and it felt like my eyebrows were going to fall off my face with how harshly I had them drawn in fright.
Sadly, my flinch earned me an involuntary step back, my foot making contact with my container of soup, knocking it between my heel and the wooden pillars of the porch, which to my luck clipped the lid at the right angle and sent the contents of the container pouring out onto the wooden plates below us.
"No!" I breathed out. Thankfully I had a large batch at home I could go back to give to Josh, but still, he made me waste good vegetable broth.
Though, he didn't seem to care, as he ran a few fingers through the hair by the side of my face, unbeknownst to the wet puddle now at our feet. "What are you here for?" He whispered.
My breath shook as I tilted my head to the side, trying my best to avoid his proximity. I was cornered by the wall of their house now. He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear and lowered his head so that his mouth ghosted my ear. I began to tremble. "A quick fuck?" He breathed, and I felt him grasp my behind with a strong and harsh hand, causing me to jump, a sharp gasp leaving my lips.
Coming to my senses, I shrugged him off and placed both hands against his chest, shoving him away from me. "Get off me!" I spat as he stumbled backwards, a look of offence on his face.
"The fuck is wrong with you?" The look on his face was mimicable. Maybe I should have defended myself more. Denied his words even? But I didn't. Instead, I hurried towards the door and began knocking on it furiously.
I paused, waiting for a response, but the sound of arguing from inside had stopped by now, and I feared they had all retreated to the garage, too far to hear my knocks. My fingers anxiously tapped against my thigh and I could feel the presence of the boy behind me still, thankfully not making any more moves towards me.
"For fucks sake," I mumbled under my breath, pounding on the door again, frustration filling my veins. I fought against the painful lump in my throat and focused on keeping my breaths as even as I could muster.
Then, Jake's figure appeared at the now open door, smiling warmly when he saw me. But, when his eyes caught those of the boy behind me, his lip curled up in disgust.
"The fuck are you doing here?" Jake spat, with such aggression, I even felt scared of him. He reached out for me, and before I knew it, I had been manoeuvred past him into the house. I took a few steps inside to create some distance and before I knew it, Jake was glancing at me one last time as if to check I was still there, as he stepped out onto the porch, slamming the door behind him. It was harder to hear what was going on outside than the other way round, so I stood in the eerie silence of the hallway. Stunned. Scared. Relieved. Confused?
"Layla!" A soft voice called from behind me, and I turned around, a bit embarrassed at being caught staring at a door. Ronnie bounded down the hallway to me, "Hey girl I haven't seen you in ages, how've you been?"
I let out a shaky breath, smiling back at her as she led me through the house into the living room, "Ah, yeah good, you?" She led me through the house to the living room, where we both took spots on opposite ends of the couch. She cuddled into the couch, wrapping a blanket around her legs as I sat, stiff backed with my hands in my lap.
"Yeah I've been good, excited for the weather to warm up again. I hate the cold," She said, shrugging her shoulders excitedly.
I was quiet for a bit, and realised it was rude of me not to make conversation, "So, um... why don't you drive to school with your brothers?" I asked, trying my hardest to distract myself from focusing on the events unfolding outside. It felt like I was dreaming.
"My boyfriend drives me," She responded, blushing a little.
"Awh I didn't know you had a boyfriend." I responded, glancing out the windows in the room in case I could get a view of the porch.
"Yeah, his name's Wilson... hey are you alright? You look a little distracted..." She enquired. I quickly looked back at her, my eyes wide as I forced a smile on my face.
"Yep! Is umm... How's Josh?" I asked, remembering my cause of visit.
Both of our heads whipped to the front door as Jake burst through, anger radiating off him like hot coals as he stormed past the living room to the staircase. He charged up the stairs, disappearing from view.
"Who crawled up his ass?" Josh's husky voice spoke as he made his way into the living room, looking back at the stairs and halting when he saw me. "Layla, I didn't know you were here."
He had changed into some new clothes, indicating he'd showered. He was looking much better, the colour returned to his face and the humorous sparkle was back in his eyes.
"Hello," I said meekly, "I came with soup but I... never mind it's fine, I'm gonna quickly head over to my house to get you some more." I said, hurrying past him. I wasn't sure why but I was feeling avoidant, wanting nothing more than to cry out the stress of what happened, alone, in my bed.
"Wait, Layla-" Josh said from behind me. Jake came booming down the stairs again, an essence of anger gone, but he was clearly still vibrating with energy.
"I swear to god, are you okay, Layla? He didn't do anything to you, did he?" He asked, coming up close to me, running his eyes up and down my body, inspecting for damage.
"Why, what happened?" Josh asked. Ronnie stood in the hallway with us too now, intrigued about the commotion. I felt too claustrophobic, it was all just too much.
"I don't really wanna talk about it, if that's okay," I said, moving past Jake and heading out the front door. I didn't bother closing it behind me as I bent down to pick up the empty, but still warm container off the floor.
My face felt like it was going to burst from the pressure of tears I was holding back from behind my eyes as I stumbled through my own front door. I speed-walked through the house in search of the bathroom, the world feeling hazy through my eyes and ears.
"Layla, is that you?" Mums voice bellowed from the kitchen. I stopped in my tracks, taking a deep breath and poking my head around the corner to where my Mum stood against the sink, hands wet and holding a sponge. She looked angry, and quite frankly, I think I'd had enough with angry people for one day.
"Yeah," I said cautiously.
"I need to speak to you, sit down" She said, nodding her head to one of the island chairs. I followed her instructions, scared I would make her more mad, and mentally ran through everything bad I had ever done.
She made her way around the counter and stood in front of me, hands on hips with a very stern look on her face. I fiddled with my hands in my lap, feeling like an idiot.
"Do you feel like telling me why you have been going through my things?" She asked, venom seeping from her tongue. Her poisonous tone and stare surprised me, considering I hadn't seen her in days
My head snapped up, "I haven't gone through any of your things," I stated plainly. What was she on about?
"You stole alcohol from the house, Layla, don't play dumb in front of me."
Realisation struck me like a belt, "No, no I didn't steal that I promise it was just in the fridge in a water bottle I thought it was water and took it to school by accident," I rambled, praying she'd believe me so that I could sulk to my room and cry.
"I am not stupid girl, so don't insult my intelligence," She seethed at me, pointing a finger in my face. "What did you do with it? Drink it all? Like a fucking alcoholic?" She was shouting now, and I was afraid at the level of anger she had managed to reach in such a short span of time. My breathing picked up.
"I'm not lying I promise, Mum. I didn't know what it was until I was at school." Her temper was rising astronomically fast, and my body was aching, screaming at me to get away.
"Stop lying Layla, I birthed you, don't think you can lie to me so easily."
I let out a long and frustrated groan, "I'm not lying! It was just there. In the fridge. I took it but I didn't know!" I burst out, the feeling of a hot tear rolling down my face.
"Don't you raise your voice at me after stealing from me! What did you do with it? Tell me," she shouted and I hesitated, looking up at her furious face. "Tell me!" She shouted again and I choked out a sob, unable to process all that had happened in the last thirty minutes.
Her look sharpened and I knew there was no way around the truth. "I poured it out," I said weakly, unable to meet my eyes to hers, regretting my decision now more than ever.
She shut her eyes, taking in a deep breath, as she turned around and paced away from me, her hands running through her hair in frustration. I stood up, hoping I could find a time pocket to slip away to my room.
"Do you respect me at all?" She asked, eerily calm in contrast to her anger from a moment ago. She turned and looked at me, a stare of betrayal on her face.
"Yes," I said, my voice cracking.
"Where were you this morning?" She asked. I was getting whiplash from what she was actually upset about.
I was quiet for a moment, "Next door."
"Have you even thought about me, Layla? I have barely seen you since we came to this country because you are always out, running around with your friends and spending absolutely no time with your family-"
"That's not fair," I defended.
"Don't. Interrupt me girl," She said through clenched teeth, her long finger pointing at my face again. "You only think of yourself." Tears ran down my cheeks now at her words, anger boiling in my belly at her harsh accusations.
"You leave before I'm even awake and come back after I'm asleep! How is that my fault? I've done literally nothing wrong and you're calling me selfish!" I argued, my voice meeting her volume level as my hands waved beside me helplessly. Her face morphed into something of malice, and I took a step backward.
Then, her voice was calm, even, "I am this close to slapping that attitude out of you Layla. Go to your room," her eyes were narrowed on me and her nostrils were flared. My head hung low as I walked out of the room and towards the staircase.
"You seriously need to work on how selfish you are, Layla, it makes you so fucking ugly," she spoke one last time before was in the usually calm silence of my room. Now, the silence only gave me room for my thoughts to run rampant. I stumbled over to my bed, not quite reaching it as I sank onto the floor, wrapping my knees around my chest.
What the fuck just happened?
Sobs escaped my mouth in desperate breaths, my chest constricting and my body shaking. My throat burned with I didn't know what. I couldn't see past the tears clouding in my eyes, but I was suddenly up, standing, and wandering over to the bathroom to wipe the suffocating feeling of mascara from my eyes.
I washed the black goo from my eyes, hyperventilating with sobs still, doing anything to distract myself from the words begging to be released in my mind. I sat on the toilet to relieve myself, and nearly screamed in frustration when I saw a red stain on my underwear.
So much for a good day.
After cleaning up and changing, I crawled into bed, sobs wracking my body. I thought about that person on the porch. How did Jake know him?
I thought about Jake's concern for me. Burden. I thought of Josh's eyes on my scar. Disgusting. I thought of Josh's hopeful eyes when he saw me, saddened when I pushed him away and fled from his home. Let down. I thought of my Mums face and her words. Disappointment.
The words swarmed in my head like an angered bee hive, and I clenched my fists at my roots, struggling to breath through the cries that wracked my whole body.
It was too much. Too many thoughts. It was so unfair. But maybe that was just it. I was entitled. If you think you're being good and are told you're not and you still believe you are, then something has got to be up, right? I probably was selfish. I definitely didn't deserve people like Josh who cared for me as much as he did, in my life. Not when I couldn't even make time for my family. Not when I was making everyone angry at me, or on my behalf.
My phone rang inside my handbag which was discarded on the floor across my room and I lazily lifted my head to its direction. Huffing, I slid off the bed onto the floor and forced myself onto my hands and knees, crawling over to it, and checking the screen to see that Josh was calling me.
I declined the call without hesitation and was met with multiple messages from him, asking me if I was okay and if he could come over.
Burden.
Josh:
Are you okay?
He texted right after I ended the call.
Layla:
Yea thanks for checking
Josh:
I tried coming over earlier but I could hear you and your mum arguing through the front door
I didn't wanna interrupt
Can I come over now?
Layla:
Now isn't really a good time, sorry
Josh:
I'm coming over now
Is it fine for me to come through the front door?
Layla:
No Josh, don't come over my mum will get mad
If there was anything that would tip my Mum over the edge, it would be me bringing a boy over... especially after that conversation.
Josh:
I'll come through your window
Layla:
I'm on the second floor Josh
Josh:
You have a trellis outside your window to the floor I can climb it
Layla:
That's stupid you're going to get yourself hurt
And you're still sick you need to rest
Josh??
I had stopped crying by now, only a few random sharp inhales as evidence of my sobs, and I was sure my face resembled something of a manatee that'd been stung by a bee. I messily wiped the tears from my eyes, trying my best to clean my face up as to not worry Josh.
I took a few deep breaths to collect myself and made sure my bedroom door was locked incase Mum decided our argument wasn't over yet.
It took Josh an impressively short time to scale my wall, as only a moment later I heard a light tap on the window and saw Josh at my windowsill, his legs squished up to his chest as he hung onto some bricks on the wall.
I rushed over to the window and pulled it open for him, a gust of cold wind entering with him. "Are you okay?" I asked, quick to shut the window, trapping the warmth back inside my room, before looking over Josh for any indication that he hurt himself on the way. He wore a brown t-shirt and grey sweatpants, and he slipped his sneakers off by the windowsill.
But when I looked up at his face, his concerned stare was too intense. Too intense for me to keep my composure. I was going to cry again. When he nodded slightly, I quickly looked away and busied myself with the books on my desk, organising things into meaningless piles and brushing dust off the top of my lamp.
"How are you feeling?" I asked.
"Better," He said simply.
"That's good, when do you think you'll be ready to sing again?" I asked. I needed distraction.
"Layla." He said, and I couldn't tell if it was a question or statement.
"Yeah?" I asked, rummaging through my vinyl collection. His silence made me realise I might not want to hear what he had to say at all. I regretted opening the window for him. "What do you wanna listen to? I've got a new album from Australia that I haven't listened to yet. I think it's like an indie rock sorta feel. I can't really remember though."
I rummaged through my shelves for said vinyl, as Josh's stare burned into my back. "I haven't been vinyl shopping since I got here, you've gotta show me around to all the best shops," I offered, rambling to fill the silence of the room. the silence in my head. "Hmm I can't find it... Oh! Have you listened to the Wonderful Life of Sam Cooke before? That's a really good one," I offered, sliding it out of its spot and inspecting the case. Josh's figure stood still in my peripheral.
"Layla," He said again.
I didn't look up from what I was doing, "Yeah Josh?" I slipped the record from its case and made my way to the record player.
"Layla, please look at me," he said so gently, it was almost a whisper. I took a deep breath and looked up at him. His face alone was enough to break me. But I couldn't. I had to keep it together. I placed the vinyl back into its sleeve and put it down onto my desk.
Stop being so selfish.
"Whats going on?" He asked, his eyes searching mine for an answer. An answer that I didn't want to give him. An answer that I didn't want to give myself.
I shook my head, "Nothing," I said, but my voice cracked as I spoke and I swallowed thickly, holding back a flood of tears.
"Please... Tell me whats wrong," he begged, one of his hands reaching up into the space between us, yet too far to reach completely. I blinked, looking at his hand, and back up at his face which was more pained than I'd ever seen it. His eyebrows were drawn upward together in concern and with the intensity of emotion that poured form him, you'd think I had torn his heart out.
My bottom lip began to tremble, and I feebly brought my fingers up to my mouth to try to keep it still.
He let out an exasperated breath. "What's wrong, Layla. Talk to me," he spoke softly, taking a slow step towards me so that his outstretched hand landed on my elbow gently, care and grace in his touch.
And then I lost it.
The thin string of composure I was hanging from snapped. A stream of tears fell from my eyes, and I couldn't hold back the breathy sobs that burst from my chest. Josh took me into his arms, and I barely registered his movement until I was pressed up against the space between his chest and neck, breathing in his homey scent, and wetting his t-shirt. I tightened my arms around his waist, suddenly desperate for him to be closer. I grasped at the thin fabric of his shirt into fists. His hands slid over my shoulders, one wrapping around my back and holding me steadily in place, the other reaching to the back of my head.
"I- I'm sor- I'm sorry," I choked out through my sobs.
He dragged a warm palm up and down the flat of my back, pulling me in tighter, "Shhh," He whispered.
"It's okay. It's all gonna be okay," he said, his face pressed against my head. I sank into him, melting in his comfort as he continued to whisper sweet nothings into my ear. Nobody had ever hugged me this closely before in my life. We stood like that, suspended in time, in a place of comfort, warmth and safety for a long time. Long enough that my breathing steadied slightly.
"C'mon, let's get you into bed," He whispered, placing a gentle kiss to the hair on the side of my head, and even my emotionally wrecked mind had enough strength to feel a little excited at his gesture.
"It's still morning th- though," I hiccuped, pulling back to look him in the eyes. He flattened the hair on my head, and his gentleness was a direct parallel to the way the boy on their porch had reached for me earlier. I felt safe.
"That's okay," He laced our hands together, and I let him lead me over to my bed. Once I'd climbed in and gotten comfortable, he made himself comfortable sitting on the edge of it, holding my hand tightly. Still shaking, I pulled the covers up, inviting him into the space next to me in the bed and he smiled timidly at me, before wordlessly slipping in next to me.
As if it were natural, I shuffled up to him, and moulded my body into his chest. His body turned into mine, perfectly intertwining our limbs so that my face was buried in his chest, both of us lying on our sides, with the gentle touch of his fingers caressing my scalp.
He slipped his hand under the back of my baggy t-shirt and dragged his fingers up and down my back softly, caressing my skin and I nuzzled my head further into him.
"Wanna tell me what happened today?" He asked. I couldn't see his face from the burrow I made between his chest and my mattress, but I knew he was looking down at me. "It's okay if you don't want to... but I really want to hear about it." There was a short pause. "I don't know what's going on in this head up here," he tapped my head with a gentle finger, "but don't let it stop you from opening up to me... please."
I drew in a long shaky breath, "Okay. But you gotta tell me if, umm, I'm boring you or- or you wanna do something else. I won't be offended, I just don't wanna waste your time," I mumbled back, my voice muffled in the pillows.
"Is that what you think? That you're wasting my time? Boring me?"
I shrugged, "I don't know."
He let out a deep sigh, "Layla, you're all I ever want to spend my time on. I'm only ever bored once you're gone." His words warmed something deep inside me, something lost, cold and dry.
"Okay, well, I don't know how to start."
"Just tell me what happened, from when you woke up," he responded, and I held back a groan at the feeling of his fingers on my back and scalp.
I giggled lightly at the memory of him getting a boner from me making similar sounds at the park, "Hey remember that time when we-"
"Layla," he said a bit sterner than before, but still laced with patience and kindness, stopping me from avoiding the conversation.
"Right sorry." I cleared my throat. "Well, I woke up and made some vegetable broth soup stuff to bring to you. I thought it would make you feel better, you know, and when I came over I had to put the soup down to knock on the door and then my shoe was dirty and then this guy was behind me and he gave me a fright and he said some bad stuff to me and got really close and I accidentally kicked the soup and it went everywhere and then I pushed him and Jake opened the door and it's like he knew him or something," I inhaled sharply, a sob escaping my lips mid-ramble.
"And then you were there and I was just really scared and I got home and Mum was just so angry at me and then I went to the bathroom and I'd started my period and I just thought today was gonna be a really good day but it literally couldn't have been any worse." I was fully crying again now, sobs leaving my mouth without room for me to breathe, and I noted how Josh pulled me closer to him and tucked his arms around me tighter.
"What did he do? What did he say to you, sweetheart?" He asked, his face now pressed against my head.
"It's so embarrassing,'' I mumbled. But, when he didn't respond, I spoke. "He whistled and said- said something about how he liked the view or something, I can't really remember," My voice catching on sobs.
"Why did he say that?" Josh asked.
"Cause that's when I was bent over trying to get the scuff off my shoes." His grip tightened around me. "And then he asked a few questions about you guys, and... I don't know, it was all just really weird it didn't feel right and then he got really close to me and..." I trailed off in a whisper, sniffling into his chest, too ashamed to say the rest.
He lightly tapped my back, "Keep going, you're doing so good," he breathed into my hair.
"He said, um- or he asked if I was there for... a quick, um fuck," I said, my voice getting quieter at the curse words, "and then he grabbed me.. on the bum," I said, feeling a bit silly at my choice of words, but Josh didn't seem to notice.
"Fuck, Layla. I should've been there, I'm so sorry."
I looked up at him, my head emerging from its dark space in the softness of the bed, "What? You didn't even know I was there, please don't blame yourself, this is my fault," I said, astonished that he'd blame himself for this. He looked down at me sympathetically, the way you'd look at a shelter dog that hadn't been adopted yet, and I felt like crying all over again at the gentleness of his eyes.
"This was not your fault, Layla. Please, please, know that. He's a fucking prick."
"Okay." I murmured, unable to argue anymore.
"I mean," He continued, "How could it be your fault? You came by to bring me soup, which is adorable, so thank you by the way," I blushed at his words, "And you were harassed on our doorstep, I mean, what-" he cut himself off, taking a deep breath to calm himself, centering his emotions, and I felt a flat palm press against my back, "I'm glad you're safe, now."
I nodded, "Who is he?" I asked. Josh went quiet for a moment, his fingers halting their movement on the skin of my back.
"He's the guy that Jake got in a fight with, Oliver." His fingers resumed their caress on my back.
"Oh," was all I managed to get out. "Those guys at the concert on Friday were kinda the same, except more aggressive. It just feels like everyone's out to get me." I let out a dry, humourless laugh.
"You've had it tough these last few days, hm?" He asked. "That's okay though, more happiness to make up for." I nuzzled my head into his chest further.
So grateful.
"What happened with your Mum?" He asked me.
I took a deep breath, "It's a long story."
"I've got all day," He replied.
So I told him, leaving out the details of my Mum's questionable alcoholic tendencies, and getting straight to the point of her sudden outburst of anger. I told him about the words she said to me, and the bottle I had taken to school, and felt more tears slip from my eyes.
"And, I don't know, maybe she's right, I've only known you guys for a couple of weeks and you've already done so much for me, I just feel so bad," I continued. "I think that, maybe... maybe I am selfish and-"
"My god Layla, are you serious?" He asked, pulling me impossibly closer, shoving my head into his chest.
I could hear the beating of his heart. "Fucking hell," he whispered. "What can I do?" He asked.
"Hm?" I questioned, my voice muffled into his chest.
"What can I do to make you see yourself the way I do... You're so smart and intelligent and just, amazing. The kindest person I've ever met. It kills me to hear how you think about yourself," He said, and I right about melted then and there. I shrugged in his arms and he sighed.
"Well I am telling you now, no matter when or what is going on, I'm never bored of you, you never burden me, and you are not selfish. You have a beautiful heart, Layla." He brought his hand from my back to place against my chest, resting over my heart which beat for the words he spoke.
Wetness trickled out of my eyes at his words and I sniffled, smiling weakly at him.
"So next time this thing says otherwise," He tapped my head, "You tell it to shut up and remember what I just said."
"Okay," I said weakly.
"Okay," He repeated.
We lay there like that for a while, minutes, hours maybe, unmoving apart from his caress on my head and back, and breathing in each other's presence.
"Are you awake?" Josh's words broke the long silence. I peeked my head out of its makeshift cocoon. His eyes were lidded as he looked down at me, one of his hands stroking my hair.
"Mhm."
"Do you need anything? You said you'd, uh, started your period," He asked shyly.
I shook my head, unable to speak from the exhaustion taking over me.
"Ronnie gets really bad cramps when she's on hers, and um, I don't know, do you need anything like heat or chocolates or something?" He asked and I smiled into his chest at his thoughtfulness.
"I'm only a little sore, but I don't need anything, thank you," I muttered. We were both quiet for a moment, until my stomach gurgled embarrassingly loud. We let out a collective chuckle.
"When was the last time you ate?" He asked me, and I realised that in the commotion of the day, I hadn't eaten anything.
"I don't know," I said, feeling embarrassed for not taking better care of myself.
"Did you have breakfast?" he asked, and I shook my head. "Have you eaten at all today?" I shook my head again and heard him sigh.
And it was that sight that made me feel it. The insecurity that he was coming to the conclusion that I was a bit more messed up than he thought. That I was a burden. That maybe I wasn't worth all the trouble after all.
"That's okay, you've had a shitty day. Do you wanna come out and get something, or do you want me to go get you something?"
"I don't want to move, but I don't want you to leave me either."
He was quiet, thinking before he spoke again. "Okay, I'll get Jake to throw something up," He said, pulling his phone from his back pocket and typing away at it behind my head.
I sat up, "Like throw it up to my window? I don't know Josh... if my Mum sees..." I said nervously.
"It'll be fine. Trust me," he said, and in my emotional tiredness, the part of me that usually cared was absent.
"Okay."
Josh left me in the bed which now felt far too large for only one person and managed to catch packets of chips, chocolates and containers of unknown foods from the window, which he threw onto my bed. After shutting the window and effectively keeping the cold outside, he came back to bed and plopped himself back into his spot with a bounce.
"Alrighty what do we have here," He said, rubbing his palms together, before unloading all the containers before us.
We spent the next couple of hours eating, talking and laughing. We listened to endless records and Josh even gave me a small performance for some of the songs. He never failed to make me laugh, and it wasn't long before I'd basically forgotten about the previous events of the day.
We lay on my bedroom floor staring up at the ceiling when Josh started acting nervous.
"Are you alright?" I asked, tilting my head towards him as he shuffled uncomfortably. He peeked at me in the corner of his eye before looking back at the ceiling quickly.
"Yeah..." He said, but it was obvious there was something he was holding back. I rolled onto my side, propping my arm beneath my head as a pillow.
"What is it?" I asked.
He sighed,. "It's okay if you say no... just don't feel pressured or anything, I just thought it might be nice," he rolled to his side too, and suddenly our faces were mere inches from each other.
"Okay..." I said nervously.
He fished in his pocket, slowly pulling out a rolled joint and holding it between us. "Only if you want to," He said shyly.
"I've never done that before," I whispered and he smiled a little.
"That's okay, we don't have to if you don't want to... but we can if you do." I furrowed my eyebrows, rolling over onto my back again and staring at the ceiling, contemplating. If Mum was gonna come in she would have already, so there was little chance I'd get caught, so why the hell not?
"Okay." I said.
"Okay?" He repeated. I nodded at him and smiled.
"But you'll have to teach me how to do it, I've never smoked anything before," I said shyly.
"Not even a cigarette?" he asked, looking surprised.
"Especially not a cigarette. My friends have smoked... weed around me before but, I don't know, I just never joined in I guess," I explained as he nodded, sitting up and searching through his other pockets for something.
"Fuck, I didn't bring my lighter," He mumbled, patting the pockets of his jacket.
"That's okay, I have some matches for my candles," I chirped, bounding up and grabbing the matchbox to bring over to him. He laughed softly and wandered over to the window, cracking it open and taking a seat at an armchair I had sat there. I followed behind him, and crawled up onto the ledge of the windowsill, looking down at Josh as he lit one of the matches. Carrying the warm glow to the joint, I watched as it came alight, and he quickly brought it to his lips, inhaling deeply, his eyelids fluttering shut for a moment, before he removed it from his lips.
He sat with his eyes shut and lungs full for a moment, before blowing a line of smoke out, directed out my window. He looked over at me, blinking with hooded eyes already and I laughed at his appearance.
"Wanna try?" He asked, offering the joint to me.
"Okay." I took it between my fingers and sat dumbly, uselessly staring at it as if it would light itself.
"Okay, once it's lit you're gonna have to take a hit pretty fast cause this stuff is pure, and marijuana doesn't burn very long so it'll go out quickly," He said, taking another match from the matchbox. "Do you know how to inhale?" He asked.
I shrugged, "Isn't it just like breathing?"
"Ehh I guess so. Just give it a go first and we can see," He rasped out, "Ready?" I nodded and he lit the match, transferring the flame to the blunt, the embers glowing through the grass inside.
I quickly brought the stick to my lips and sucked. It was a weird sensation, as if I was breathing in but no air was going into my lungs, then like the fire had shot through the joint into my mouth, my throat burned painfully. I took the joint away from my mouth and only lasted a few seconds before I was coughing up a lung.
Josh took the joint from my fingers, laughing lightly as I doubled over, smoke bursting from my lips.
"Ahhh," I groaned, rubbing a tight palm to my chest. Josh was already taking another hit when I looked back up at him, and he took it with ease.
We passed it back and forth a few more times, my tolerance for the smoke building and finally, I could take it without coughing.
After a while, the silliness kicked in, and Josh was sucking from the spliff with his hands in the air, eyes rolled backward, and his shoulders doing some kind of dance, and I was laughing at him.
He passed it back over to me, and I noted the heaviness in my arms, "Ughhh so heavy," I complained, lifting my hand up lazily to take it, but instead, Josh moved past my arm and lifted the joint to my lips, letting me suck while he held it in place at my lips. "Aha ha," I said after he pulled away and I blew the smoke out the window. Josh looked up at me, head leant back with bloodshot eyes and a lazy smile on his face.
For some reason, I lifted my foot up from the ground and hovered it close to his face, trying to get a rise out of him. I don't know why I did that.
To my surprise, he grabbed my foot harshly and brought it to his face, his mouth open like he was going to bite me and I squealed, ripping my foot from his grasp. We broke out into giggles, and I was soon laughing at the fact that he was laughing, and then I was laughing at absolutely nothing at all.
Laughter. That's all I could hear. That's all I could do. "Do you, do you ever think that any one of us could be Jesus and nobody knows it? Like Jesus reincarnated." Josh flopped his head towards me, eyes wide like he'd made a huge discovery. "Oh my god Layla, are you Jesus?" My abs burned at the laughter he was sustaining from me.
"Oh my god Josh look! It's snowing!" I exclaimed, and Josh sat up in his chair.
His arms shot up above his head, hands in fists as he saw the specks of falling snow outside my window, "Woo hoo! Let's go baby! Layla I haveee to take you sledding," He begged, spinning around my room aimlessly.
"Josh be quiet!" I shushed him, giggling at the laziness of my motor functions as a curvy finger came to my lips to shush him.
His hands flew to his mouth. "Oops sorry," A mix between genuine apology and humour gracing his features.
A knock at my bedroom door silenced us both. My head snapped towards him, whose eyes were wide as he looked at me, "Shit, shit, shit, Josh you've gotta hide," I whispered, running to him and grabbing his wrist. I looked around my room frantically, throwing open my wardrobe but realising he wouldn't fit between the shelves.
"Layla!" Dads voice came from behind the door.
"Ahhh oh my god," I whispered, trying to hold in my laugh at the sight of Josh, who stood clueless in my room, waiting for me to put him somewhere. He resembled something of a lost child.
I pushed him onto my bed and quickly threw the duvet over him, making sure the lump of his body blended in with the rest of the blankets, "Be so quiet," I whispered, before I sauntered over to my door, unlocking it to see my Dad standing in the doorway.
"Hey sweets," he smiled at me warmly, stepping into the room.
"Hi Dad, how was job hunting?" I asked, cringing as he wandered close to my bed.
"Yeah good, I think I made some real progress today. There's an event coordinator position open for a record label of all things in Saginaw and they want me in for an interview on Tuesday," He said, sighing as he took a seat on my bed. I screamed internally, praying to Jesus that Josh would keep his mouth shut. I wasn't sure if he had sat on him, Josh might have been dying of suffocation for all I knew.
"Sounds promising!" I said, trying my hardest to make my high look not-so-high.
"Yeah. How was your day? Did you go see that Josh boy? Is he feeling better?" He asked, and as much as I loved him, I would have done anything for him to get out as I was this close to never being able to see 'that Josh boy' again.
"Yep, he's feeling much better today," I said shortly.
"That's good, he's a good boy." There was a pause between us, "Have you seen your mother today?"
I sucked in a breath, "Uhh, yeah I have. Is she not home anymore?" I asked, feeling a sudden urge to laugh. I didn't know why.
He frowned, "No, she wasn't here when I got in." For a moment, hurt flashed across his face, but was quickly masked with a gentle smile for me.
"Alright, well I'll leave it to you then," he said, patting the bed with his hand and standing up. As my Dad rose, I heard the deep inhale from Josh under the covers and I tensed. Dad looked back carelessly at the noise, likely thinking it was the sound of the bed, before planting a kiss on my cheek and leaving me alone. I ran to lock the door and Josh burst out from the covers as I did, his face red and eyes wide.
"Holy shit your Dad weighs a ton. He sat right on me Layla!" He exclaimed dramatically. I let out a burst of laughter at the idea of him trying his best to be quiet. "This is not funny Layla, I nearly died! He sat on my neck!" Snorting, he wandered over to my window and picked up the nearly finished joint. "Ready, watch this," he said as he lit it and inhaled. Then, like a pro, he puffed out rings of smoke into the air, which dissipated into my face.
I laughed, "That was so cool."
He offered the blunt to me, "Here, I'm higher than you so you can finish it off." We sat in comfortable silence for the next few minutes, as I relit the joint a few times for each puff. Josh and I both noticed that there was actually a fair lot left in the joint, and it was safe to say I was pretty stoned by the time Josh disposed of it out the window.
I loved it. I was floating. So, so happy, and for once I didn't care if I was burdening anyone. "I feel so good," I spoke, lolling my head onto Josh. We had somehow gotten back to my bed, and we sprawled across the sheets in a drug induced haze.
"Aha ha, you look so funny right now," Josh said, taking his phone out and snapping a photo of me, but his weighted hands dropped the phone on my face, and we both burst out laughing, rolling around back and forth in the bed.
"My noseee," I groaned, flopping my head onto his chest.
"Sorry," he said earnestly.
"I can hear your heart beating," I admitted.
"What about now?" He asked, holding his breath, I giggled as his heart beat began to slow down.
His breathy chuckles vibrated through his chest and bounced to me. I breathed in the familiar scent of home, "You always smell so good," I admitted.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. You smell like my room in Australia. I noticed it when I first met you." My eyes began to feel heavy. He hummed in response, the weight of his arms pressing me further into the mattress.
"Laylaaaa," I was being tossed around, back and forth by a pair of strong hands. I groaned into the softness of my bed. "Get up c'mon," A voice whispered next to my ear. I rolled over onto my back, and sucked in a breath when all I could see was Josh's face, no longer droopy from the weed, but right above my face.
"What do you want?" I complained, covering my eyes with my arm. I noticed that the room had gone dark, so we must've slept until night. Most of the time I napped for too long, Dad didn't wake me up for dinner, so I was completely oblivious to the time.
"Everyones going sledding, c'mon we've got to go, it'll be fun," He said, tugging at my arm. I whined, but he dragged my arm from my face and somehow managed to pull my whole body up into a sitting position. My body still felt significantly heavier than normal, and my brain was moving at such a slow pace, that I couldn't register things until I had already responded to them, which didn't really make sense.
"Ugh okay fine," I rubbed my sleepy eyes and tossed my legs over the edge of the bed while Josh bounced back over to the window and yelled out of it.
"Okay, we'll be down in a sec!" He shouted, and I was too high to care if he was being too loud. I checked the time on my phone, which had been abandoned on my bedside table for the whole day, and saw it was 11pm.
"My Mum usually comes home now, I don't want to risk her catching us sneaking out," I told him, as he selected coats and jackets from my wardrobe for me to put on.
"Guess we'll have to go the way I came in then, huh?" he giggled, as I raised my eyebrows. "Here, put this on, I don't want you to catch a cold," he said, placing a bundle of clothes on my lap, before he narrowed his eyes at me, examining my face.
He dropped down onto his knees in front of me and placed a flat hand on my knee, "My god, Layla, are you still high?" He asked, astonished, inspecting my face intensely. I shrugged in response. "Fuck, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let you smoke so much... I forgot you don't have a tolerance for it," he looked down and pursed his lips.
"That's okay," I smiled lazily, "I'm having fun." He giggled at my words, or my face, I don't know but he was laughing, and then I was laughing too.
It wasn't long before I was shimmying down the plant scaffolding outside my house, with an audience might I add, and laughing my head off like an idiot.
"Focus Layla. Stop laughing for God's sake or you'll fall off," Josh whispered, and I threw my head back, holding on tightly to the wooden pillars. Finally, my feet landed on the ground and I stumbled forward a bit at the change in altitude, looking up at Sam, Jake and Danny, who were wrapped up in snow gear, each holding a sled.
"Hey guys," I waved, a toothy smile on my face. They all mumbled their hi's back and I loitered over to them, swaying from my lack of balance and holding in another giggle.
"What's wrong with her?" One of them asked Josh as he landed on the snowy floor.
"Hey!" I called accusingly, but they all seemed to ignore me.
Josh walked over to the group, scratching the back of his head, "She's uh, a bit high." I didn't stop to see their reactions because I didn't care.
"Come onnn! Josh woke me up for this lets go!" I bounded, waving my hands around the air in excitement. I bounced off, skipping through the snow and was halted as someone grabbed the scruff of my coat, turning me around to the complete opposite direction, and gave me a gentle push forward.
"This way, Layla," Josh said.
"Oh whoops," I replied, smiling widely as the others laughed. I resumed my walk through the snow.
"Where's Ronnie?" I asked, once we'd all started walking as a group. It was too dark for me to tell where we were, but I was having enough fun as it was to even care.
Sam scoffed, "Good luck getting her out of bed at this hour." Danny laughed and I turned around at the sound of his voice. I stumbled over to him, which was quite hard considering we were all walking at a steady pace, but I managed, and I threw my arm over his excessively large and tall shoulders.
"Hey Danny, we don't talk much," I stated matter-of-factly.
He laughed, "Yeah I guess we don't, how've you been?" He asked politely.
"Ahh you know," I threw an arm up into the empty air ahead of us, "Just standing naked in the wind and melting into the sun," I said, gesturing to the stars. It didn't really make any sense, so I started to laugh.
"How much did you give her, Josh?" Danny asked, wrapping an arm around me as I stumbled over a curb when we crossed a road. I zoned out after that, letting Danny be responsible for my balance as I daydreamed into the distance.
After what felt like the longest and shortest walk of my life, we were in a hilly area, which I assumed used to be grassy, but was now coated in blankets of untouched snow. Josh helped me climb up the hill, and situated me on a sled, and I sat patiently as they all got positioned on their own.
Jake counted down from three and we all thrust our sleds out onto the hill. Wind whipped at my face and pieces of falling snow whizzed past me as I flew down the hill. Whoops and cheers bellowed from the boys, and I yelped as my board bumped into Sam's, both of us losing our balance and toppling out the sides.
Laughter shook my body as I lay, my back buried into the snow, and my arms splayed out besides me. I stared up at the snow which was falling down onto me. The stars weren't visible from under the thick clouds, but the snow imitated them, the white specks floating through the atmosphere. Four heads popped into my vision, as the boys all stared down at me.
"You okay?" One of them asked, I didn't know which one, and I didn't care.
I pointed up at the sky, "Look, the snow looks like stars." They all pointed their heads up to the sky, muttering a few things under their breaths before walking away. Leaving me alone, like everyone always does.
"Hey," Someone stroked my arm, and I turned my head to see Josh, who was on the floor next to me.
"Hey, when did you get there?" I asked, smiling widely at him.
He smiled at me back, before turning to look at the sky, "Are you feeling alright?"
"Yup," I said, popping the 'p'. "I don't know if I've ever felt this alright in my life." Josh, scooted closer to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulder, and kissed the side of my head.
"We should probably go back to the rest of the group," I asked, quietly, my eyes still trained upward, mesmerised by the sky.
"Let's just stay like this for a bit longer."
Hello! My chapters seem to be getting longer and longer each time so I apologise if that isn't really your thing 😬 Anyways, have a lovely day everyone and make sure to spread some love wherever you can! 💗
!!! Also, I miss a few mistakes in my editing often so I really don't mind if you leave a little comment to correct me as this helps my editing process immensely! 🫶