Bewildered
-perplexed and confused; very puzzled.
Kim, Jennie
I don't get it.
The purpose of life, I feel like I have no purpose in this world.. I feel like I'm living for nothing.
I know I have my family, my friends, and more but it just doesn't justify it.. I feel like they're not the reason at all
I don't get my life..
Sometimes I even wonder why I was born.
I don't have a dream, I didn't have an inspiration to keep going on.
My life has been so bland, boring, it's like a black and white film.
I don't find anything or anyone exciting or fun that's why I often visit some clubs or bar hop with my friends but it is still nothing..
Every person has a different path in life. That's what came in me as an answer.
What life is about for one, may not be what life is about for another. What I need to do is find out what my life is about. Unfortunately no one else can (or should) tell me. They don't know what my karma is or what teachers and experiences must come to me.
I need to connect with my heart. What do I love? What gives me energy and passion? How do I feel about myself and the world? What would I like to do, try, explore, experience? Only I have those answers.
I must not try to find the basic purpose of other people's lives. I can't. There isn't just one blueprint for every human.
Forget about other people and try and gain a deeper understanding of who am I. Forget the 'shoulds'. There are none other than doing no harm to others.
This life is my time on this planet. Its minutes, hours, days, weeks and years belong to me.
So, what's it going to be for me? I'll figure it out as the days go by. I don't think there's a time limit. Relax. I'm already living the meaning of my life. This question was a part of it.
Be courageous. Don't betray yourself. Trust yourself. I kept those in my mind but it was still hard for me.
I find it so hard to keep going until those dreams started haunting me..
It's like a light bulb suddenly lifted my mind giving me this idea, a thought. A dream.
As I continue to have those.. I feel like I've found my purpose.. I've found my will to live and it is to find her.
I'm not sure why or when or how?
She could be reincarnated as a man now, or someone who lives overseas or maybe someone younger than me or even older.
There's even a possibility that she didn't reincarnated at all but I just had this feeling inside me.
I have to find her.
I've live this life to find her..
My life, and my time, I've live to dedicate it all to her..
My Lisa..
_________
"I still don't understand why I have to tour around those exchange students? Why me?" I complained while rolling my eyes at Irene
"Well maybe because you represent our batch which you wanted in the first place? Besides its not so bad Jen, those students seems so nice and sweet" Irene babbled as she cling into my arms. I still don't like the idea of touring around some random people. Hanging out with my friends already exhaust my social battery, how am I suppose to survive it with a stranger?
We're on our way now to the cafeteria after finishing our first period. Irene told me to meet these students that I have to tour around inside. I still don't get why I have to do that? No one toured me around when I came here so why do I have to do it to them?
I heard from Nayeon earlier that they have some connection from the higher ups. I think one of them is the god daughter of the school director but still, why me?! Tourism wasn't even my course.
"How do you even know that they're sweet? You met them? " I asked with furrowed brows
"Nope, but Seulgi did. One of them is a soccer player " She stated which made me look at her suspiciously
"You're still talking to that Seulgi? You like her do you? " I teased her and she's quick to scoff. This girl doesn't know how to lie
"No of course not! She's just a friend" she defended but I still find it suspicious.
I just know that she likes that soccer player.
"Anyways I'll leave you here now, they're on our usual table waiting. " She said with a smile and was about to run but I held her arms
"You're leaving me?! " I asked in disbelief and she gave me an awkward smile.
"Seulgi texted me, See you, thank you, bye!" She immediately run away leaving me there speechless..
That girl.. I'm going to snatch her hair when I get a hold of her soon..
Now what?!
I looked over our usual table, I saw two girls sitting beside each other but their back are facing me. One is blonde and the other has a brown hair.
What if I just ditch them? I'm pretty sure that they're old enough to figure how to tour around by themselves, right?
I sighed. Who am I even kidding? I'm too nice to do that and my conscience wouldn't let me leave these two girls waiting for nothing.
I just hate socializing so much. I actually hate everything that I do.
But..
I'm quite good at faking that I could do things in front of others. It's just that I needed to do that because people wouldn't care about you if you can't please them.
I know we don't need to please others and I agree with that. But in reality, we need to do it for us to be able to do other stuff we can't do alone with their help.
Okay, whatever. I know I'm a people pleaser but who isn't?
Agreeing to things I didn't want to do, a slave to other people, feeling extreme guilt whenever I did say no, chasing the rabbit of keeping people happy, being disrespected and mistreated, wanting my life to end because I new I was hated.
Because I knew I was different
It comes from the misguided belief that people like you because of what you did for them and not because of who you are.
It becomes toxic when I started compromising my own values and beliefs in order to please somebody and get their approval. With time, I started losing sense of who I am. Myself disintegrates and then there is nothing of me that remains.
_
______
As I walked through the bustling heat of the cafeteria, my mind buzzed with excitement and curiosity as I approached the two exchange students from Switzerland. There was something about one of them that sparked a sense of familiarity in me, a feeling that tugged at the corners of my memory.
She wasn't even looking at me yet but as I get closer and closer, I feel a little thump on my chest, as if something in me has found something.. Something close..
"Hi there! Welcome to our campus! I'm Jennie, and I'll be your tour guide today," I greeted them with a warm smile, trying to mask my inner curiosity with a professional demeanor.
The exchange student who seemed familiar returned my smile warmly, "Hello Jennie, it's a pleasure to meet you."
I felt my heart thumped again. She looked so familiar yet I am so sure that I haven't met her before.. I find this so odd. I never felt this feeling with anyone
Suppressing my urge to ask for their name right away, I focused on the tour. "Are you both excited to explore our campus?"
They both nodded eagerly, expressing their interest in the university and its diverse community.
The two of them seemed pretty close for they cling around each other a lot. Irene was right, they really seem nice and sweet. Much better than I even expected.
As we walked, I couldn't help but steal glances at the familiar exchange student, trying to decipher where this sense of familiarity came from. Was it from a past event, a shared class, or just a random encounter? The mystery gnawed at me, fueling my curiosity with each step we took.
Throughout the tour, I engaged in conversation, pointing out various landmarks and sharing interesting facts about our university. They both seemed genuinely interested and asked insightful questions, further igniting my curiosity about our potential connection.
After some time, as we paused near a campus landmark, I finally mustered the courage to ask, "By the way, I don't think I caught your name earlier. What should I call you?"
The familiar girl smiled wide, "Oh, I apologize for not introducing myself earlier. I'm Lisa."
I gasped.
It wasn't just any name, it was the name of the person who frequently appeared in my dreams, someone I felt strangely connected to yet couldn't fully grasp.
Was this real-life Lisa the same person who frequented my dreams? Or was it merely a coincidence?
I must be crazy.. I shouldn't be thinking like this.. I might scare her away
They just coincidentally had the same name. That's it.
"Nice to officially meet you, Lisa," I replied with a smile, a sense of relief washing over me as her name confirmed my suspicions.
Did she feel somehow familiar because of her name??
The rest of the tour continued with newfound warmth and camaraderie. Rose, Lisa's cousin, we engaged in friendly conversation, sharing experiences and insights about our respective backgrounds.
We have great time talking about things that we had in similar. I find her personality so cheerful and light, she's so much easy to hang out with unlike Lisa.
Sure she smiles and responds with me but she's not much of a talker like Rose. I have observed her the whole time and noticed how quiet she was.
Throughout the day, I found myself stealing glances at Lisa, searching for any hints or connections that would confirm my suspicions. Did she have a familiar smile or a similar way of speaking? The questions swirled in my mind, leaving me intrigued yet hesitant to voice my thoughts.
"And that's the end of our tour! I hope you enjoyed getting to know our campus a bit better," I said with genuine enthusiasm, grateful for the unexpected friendship that I got to have with them
Lisa thanked me warmly, expressing her appreciation for the tour and my hospitality.
As we bid farewell, I couldn't shake off the feeling of connection with Lisa. Our unspoken bond had transformed into a budding friendship, and then what?
Why was I even bothered by her? They just had the same name, there's nothing more to it, I know.
but I couldn't shake off this weird feeling.
What if she's the Lisa from my dreams?
She's faceless in mine but earlier.. She looked stunning.. Her bangs, her nose.. Her smile. She looked good. Too good.
Too good for me to be believe that it was her.
What if she is it?
But what if she's not?
I should probably sleep this off.
_______
"Tell mom and dad that I ain't coming home for a little while " I said to my older sister then she pouted at me. Gross
"Those dreams again? How often do you have them now? " she asked before scooting closer to me in the bench. It's her way of comforting me
"Every night. Every time that I sleep" I said which made her eyes wide open. I was shocked too
My dreams about Lisa wasn't like this before.. It's not this often, usually 2 or 3 times per week I would dream of her but it started becoming daily last month..
And so I decided to stay in the school dorm for some time starting tonight since solitude helps me somehow relax. My parents knew what's happening to me but they labelled it as my weakness.
They think I'm crazy and needs some medical help.
I'm pretty sure I don't need those so I'll just stay away from them. I'm too exhausted to even argue with them. It's useless because they'll stick to their beliefs.
"Are you okay being alone? " Jisoo asked worriedly. I smiled at her
"I am" someone taught me that being alone wasn't that bad..
Jisoo ended up walking me to my dorm room before saying her goodbyes. She says that she'll send me things that I might need but I rejected her since I have everything that I needed here..
The moment that she left, I throwed myself on the bed and laid there flatly while looking at the ceiling.. I'm thankful that I don't have a roommate since most students doesn't really like staying in dorms so there's a lot of vacant room..
It's a good thing for me because it's quiet. I prefer it that way.
As I lay in bed, my mind wandered back to the vivid dreams that had been haunting me for years. In those dreams, Lisa was a constant presence, her laughter like music, her gaze filled with warmth and familiarity even though I couldn't see her face. It was as if I had known her for a lifetime, yet I couldn't place where or how.
And then, there was the Lisa I had just met, the exchange student from Switzerland with a captivating smile and a curious sparkle in her eyes. Was she the same Lisa from my dreams? The thought lingered in the back of my mind, teasing me with possibilities.
As we chatted and laughed together earlier, a sense of déjà vu washed over me. Her gestures, the way she tilted her head when she listened intently, even the sound of her laughter-all felt strangely familiar, like echoes from a distant memory. But it also sounded so different at the same time.
How could it be possible? Dreams were just figments of imagination, weren't they? Yet, the little time I spent with her, I couldn't shake off the feeling that there was something deeper connecting us, something beyond mere chance or coincidence.
Lost in thoughts, I gazed at the moonlit sky outside my window, wondering if the Lisa in my dreams and the Lisa beside me were indeed one and the same until I dozed off to sleep..
"Jennie, don't ever leave me okay?
You're the reason why my world finally makes sense. I'm afraid that if you leave, everything will stop making sense again. " she hold onto me like her life depends on it.. She hold me close and kept me with her..
For a second, I stayed quiet.. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to tell her.. She didn't ask for much but why couldn't I say anything? I made up my mind, for her.. I'll be brave.
"I won't Lisa. I'll try my best to stay. I will baby.. I will" I rest my forehead on hers as we kept our body close while sitting in the middle of the rain..
I'm not scared anymore.. I'm not anxious or anything.. I'm just happy and contented... I'm just in love with this girl who's in front of me.. And I continue living for her.. No matter what, I'll live for her.
"Thank you really.. Thank you" she said and I giggled that made her giggle as well..
_______
I woke up by the sudden loud thunder that came outside.. I rubbed my eyes and stood up.. As usual, I had those dreams again..
I went to my window and noticed how heavy the rain is.. It explains the sudden coldness I felt earlier..
I sat on my chair and watch the raindrops hitting the ground.. I smiled a little remembering how Lisa was once afraid of rain but eventually loved it because of me.
Or was it me? Did she love it because of me?
Am I even the same Jennie that she loved?
I'm so lost in my thoughts but a sudden person distracted me..
My eyes caught a glimpse of someone standing in the middle of the soccer field, oblivious to the downpour. It was Lisa, her figure illuminated by the dim lights scattered around the field.
My heart skipped a beat as I watched her, raindrops glistening in her hair, her face upturned to the sky as if welcoming the storm. In that moment, a surge of confusion swept over me. The Lisa from my dreams had always loved the rain, finding solace and joy in its rhythmic patter against the ground.
Was this another coincidence, or was there a deeper connection at play? I couldn't help but wonder if the Lisa I had dreamed of so many times was now standing before me, embracing the very element she cherished in my dreams.
A part of me wanted to approach her, to ask if she, too, found comfort in the rain like the Lisa I knew in my dreams. But another part hesitated, afraid of what her answer might reveal. Was it possible that my dreams were intertwining with reality, blurring the lines between fantasy and truth?
As I watched Lisa standing in the rain on the soccer field, a surge of emotions overwhelmed me. Without thinking, my heart racing with a mix of confusion and longing, I ran towards her, the rain soaking through my clothes.
As I reached her side, I hesitated for a moment, unsure of how she would react. But the sight of her, so carefree and lost in the moment, was too much to resist. Ignoring the rain pelting down on us, I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close in a tight hug.
Her surprised gasp was muffled against my shoulder, but she didn't pull away. Instead, she stood there and let me embrace her. In that moment, with the rain cascading around us, it felt like time stood still.
The beating of our hearts seemed to synchronize, as if they were echoing the unspoken connection between us. I wanted to say so many things, to ask if she felt the same inexplicable pull that I did, but words eluded me in that moment.
Did she have the same dreams like I did?
I didn't really care at the moment
All I knew was that being in her arms, feeling the warmth of her embrace amidst the cold rain, brought a sense of peace and completeness that I had been searching for. As we stood there, two souls intertwined in the midst of a storm, I couldn't help but wonder if this was the beginning of something extraordinary, something beyond the realms of my dreams.
But one thing is for sure
I found her.. My Lisa...
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