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𝐓𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐡'𝐬 𝐀𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭
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There was a knock at Truth's door at 2 a.m.
She knew who it was. And yet, she couldn't find the strength within her to stand up. Her hand trembled as she picked up a puzzle piece, looking to find its friends amongst thousands of strangers.
Laying close beside her, watching her every move, Heidi was also aware of the person standing outside the apartment. And, because Truth couldn't, she stood up to turn the handle of the door before returning to her post by Truth's side, too worried to leave her alone for too long.
Natasha stepped inside, her footsteps silent. She closed the door behind her.
By then, Truth had managed to find the match to her puzzle piece. They slid together perfectly, their curves meeting, their colors continuous, a small part of a bigger picture. Truth's finger stayed there against the line that marked where each piece began and ended. She didn't move, her eyes locked on the two pieces as she fought with herself, her hair shielding her from the woman at the door.
She sniffled, and it sounded like a shout in the dark, silent room. She closed her eyes, unable to look at anything any longer, not with Natasha there as she waited for the anger or the fear or the disappointment or the—
"Ptička?"
Little bird?
Natasha's voice was a delicate, soothing whisper. She continued speaking Russian, forging sharp, powerful inotations into a language of comfort.
She remembered how Truth liked when she spoke Russian. She remembered their conversation about comfort languages. Natasha wasn't yet fluent in Greek to provide her that level of security, but she could give her some of her own comfort.
"Ptička, Ja sjadu rjadom s toboj, horošo?"
I am going to sit next to you, okay?
She did as she said she would.
"Ja obernu odejalo vokrug tvoih pleč. I esli v ljuboj moment tebe ponadobitsja mesto, skaži mne, horošo?"
I am going to wrap a blanket around your shoulders. And, if at anytime you need space, tell me, okay?
Truth let Natasha wrap a soft, white blanket over her, keeping it loose so she didn't constrict Truth's arms or overall movement. With her arms around her, Natasha pulled her closer, the nudge all Truth needed to melt, a taut tension dispersing from her shoulders as she buried her face into her neck. Natasha ran a hand along her back, swaying them gently just as she remembered Clint doing for her the last time she had had an episode.
He had told her that it was something that worked for his kids, Lila and Cooper. Natasha had not met them yet, but she knew a lot about the children through the stories he told, or even the few five minute phone calls they'd managed while on a mission or two.
It was something about being held by someone that calmed the soul. It was a mending activity, a bond that did not require any expectations or pain or worry. Natasha held onto Truth feeling, not like she was a supporter, a friend, but like they were two puzzle pieces that made each other whole.
Because, holding Truth's hand did not account for what it was like to wrap her arms around her body, to feel her warmth and feel her breath caress her collarbone. Natasha could've stayed there comfortably for a long time, for as long as Truth would let her.
After a while, during which neither woman knew how much time had passed, Natasha spoke again.
"Vy čuvstvuete sebja nemnogo lučše?"
Do you feel a little bit better?
Da, came Truth's silent thought, fragile and vulnerable and exhausted.
"Èto horošo. Ja hoču vam koe-čto skazatʹ, esli vy ne protiv."
That's good. I have something to say to you, if that's alright.
Truth buried her face further into the crook of Natasha's neck, and Natasha hoped that she didn't catch how her breathing grew uneven or how the speed of her heartbeat increased. Suddenly she was nervous, but she'd promised herself that she would do this.
She promised herself that she would try.
"Vam ne nužno ničego govoritʹ. Ja prosto hoču, čtoby ty slušala, horošo?"
You don't have to say anything. I just want you to listen, okay?
Truth nodded, and Natasha made sure she was comfortable before she started.
"I didn't have any friends before S.H.I.E.L.D. I didn't have any family and I didn't know anyone who wouldn't try to kill me if they had the chance.
"The other night—after Borba, when we were at your place—I was...having a nightmare when you came in. Ever since the panic attack, I was having a hard time separating the past from the present. I didn't know where I was or who you were. Not until I heard you speak and I realized what was happening.
"I'm not excusing what I did, but...I didn't want to leave. I was trying to keep you safe from me because I didn't feel safe. And, when I don't feel safe, I run away because being alone is what I'm used to. I can't hurt anyone but myself if I'm alone.
"And, yet, I hurt you anyway. And, I didn't mean to ruin what we have by doing that. I'm...still not quite up to speed on the whole friends thing, but I know that I enjoy being yours." She paused there, letting the words sink in. "And, I'm sorry, but I really don't care about your powers. I don't fully understand them, but I know you wouldn't do anything to hurt me purposefully and I think I can handle a little lie detector and whatever else you have under your sleeve."
There were no words that came with Truth's response, but Natasha felt a foreign emotion of indignance that did not come from herself and smirked.
"I'm serious. It was like a little pinch."
Truth snuck a hand out of the blanket, and rested it on the other side of Natasha's neck. Her palm was warm, but the pull was much less intense as it had been before. Still, Natasha didn't fight it and let the truth fly freely.
"Okay, maybe it was more like a very big pinch," she admitted. "Though, most of my reaction was because I was caught off guard and a lot was happening at once for me to process. This," and Natasha moved her hand to place it on top of Truth's, "this is more than fine."
It was a little weird in the way that, once Natasha started talking, she couldn't seem to stop, like a cascading waterfall rushing over a cliff. Still, it was more of a soft nudge this time, an encouragement to tell the truth without judgment. And, that was no different to how Natasha usually felt with Truth. When she spoke to her she just felt like she could say anything and everything and Truth would listen without criticism.
Natasha wanted to be that person for Truth. She wanted to be the person that Truth was open with, the person she wasn't scared to show her true self to in fear of rejection. And, maybe Natasha hadn't done a good job of that before, but this time she was going to try.
Satisfied, Truth pulled her hand back, and Natasha already missed her touch.
"Are you tired?" Natasha asked then. "Hungry? I can make you something to eat if you want."
Truth didn't say anything, her breathing calm and even suggesting that she was a little tired.
"Or we could try to finish your puzzle," Natasha suggested, looking back at the hundreds of pieces scattered around the floor. She was sure she was sitting on a few of them. "Is there a reason you decided to do it now?"
I wanted to put something together, Truth answered.
"Okay. Is that what you want to do?"
Truth shook her head. She leaned in impossibly closer, her hands tangled in Natasha's shirt. For someone who avoided physical touch, she seemed to enjoy Natasha's.
Natasha didn't know what to do with that.
"I...do have a few things to give to you," Natasha admitted hesitantly. "But we can wait till tomorrow—"
Almost immediately, Truth's curiosity flared. She stuck her hand out of the blanket again, holding it out in a silent request. Natasha's lips curved up at the sight.
"It's in the hall. If you want me to go get, I'll have to move—"
Beside them, Heidi stood up eagerly and padded over to the gifts Natasha had left by the door, pushing them closer to the pair. Before the cat could hand Truth the first gift, Natasha picked it up and stretched to put it on top of the island behind Truth.
"That one you can open later," she explained as she pulled out another.
Why? Truth asked, wanting to open it even more.
"You'll see why later." Before she could start complaining, she put another gift in Truth's hand. "Open that."
Finally lifting her face out from Natasha's neck, she leaned her forehead against Natasha's shoulder as she studied the wrapped gift in her hands.
"Did you get this when we were at the Wharf?" she questioned, the hoarseness of her voice a tribute to how badly her panic attack had affected her. It only heightened Natasha's protectiveness, and she continued to rub her back as she smiled at the words.
"Open it, princessa."
Truth did as she was told, unable to hold back her smile.
"You got me chocolate?" She turned, her head still on Natasha's shoulder, though now Natasha had a view of part of her face. Her eyes were closed, her expression one of bliss and content as she hummed happily. "I love chocolate."
"It's not like you were talking about it the whole car ride or anything," Natasha said, thoroughly enraptured by her reaction. "It's the right one, right?"
"Yeah, it is." She wasted no time then in opening the package and putting one of the expensive chocolates in her mouth. "Thank you. Do you want one?"
"No, but thank you," Natasha said kindly. "Do you want your next gift?"
Truth glanced up to give her a side eye.
"How many things did you get me?"
Natasha nodded towards the bag.
"See for yourself."
Truth reached blindly into the bag, and the first thing her hand came into contact with had her groaning.
"I don't want it," she complained as she felt Natasha's laughter coursing through her body.
"Take it out, ptička."
Truth shook her head and it only made Natasha laugh harder.
Heidi, eventually, stuck her nose into the bag, gently biting the thing to take it out. Once she realized what it was she meowed and started batting at the plushy with her paw.
"Heidi likes it," Natasha noted.
"She can keep it," came Truth's muffled voice.
"I thought you liked the naked cats?" she asked, feigning surprise. "Isn't that what you are?"
"No, Natasha, that quiz is void."
"I think it's only fair after you got me the tabby. What did you name it again?"
Truth hid her smile.
"Cheese."
"Right. Are you going to name this one?"
"That's Mufasa."
"Mufasa, the naked cat?"
"Yes."
"Okay." Then Natasha chucked again. "I think Heidi is killing Mufasa."
Truth chuckled at that too. She could hear the dulcet sounds of her cat beating it up in the background.
"She's reenacting the movie," she joked. "Did you know that that's her favorite?"
"Is it? I never watched it."
Heidi stopped in her play to meow indignantly at Natasha. The next thing they knew, she was sprinting away, then came running back to hand Truth the TV remote, pawing at her hand incessantly.
"It's late, baby," Truth said, untangling herself from Natasha enough to let Heidi crawl onto her lap, rolling over to look up at Truth with pleading eyes. "You need to ask Natasha if she wants to watch it."
Heidi quickly turned her charm on Natasha, who gave Truth a look for putting the decision on her.
You don't want to go to bed? she asked.
No, it's fine, I'll probably sleep on the couch anyway. Besides, I haven't spent much time with her this week and she deserves it.
"Alright," Natasha said, and Heidi jumped up between them, almost hitting Truth's chin as she reached up to lick Natasha's face. Then she took back the remote, running into the living room again to test her luck at turning on the T.V. by herself.
"You still have one more thing to open," Natasha said, handing her the last gift.
"Natasha, when did you have the time for all of this?"
"Just open it."
For this one Truth recognized the wrapping, as she herself had a gift just like it sitting in her bedroom.
"No way," Truth said, sitting up fully. "Did you get this from Joanna's?"
Natasha's brows furrowed.
"How did you..."
"Kháinti! Borís na mou phéris ta dóra tis Natásas?"
Heidi! Can you bring me Natasha's gifts?
A moment later, Truth handed Natasha an exact replica of the gift-wrapped book that she had just given to Truth, albeit a little smaller and lighter in weight.
Natasha couldn't hold back her smile when she saw it.
Truth had gotten her a gift. And, sure, Natasha had also gotten Truth gifts, but she had done that with no expectations of Truth having done the same. The why was completely lost on her, but it made her feel all warm and giddy, two completely foreign emotions for the assassin.
She tried to play it cool, but her growing smile and excited glow foiled those plans.
"Were we there at the same time?" she asked.
"I think I would've noticed that," Truth admitted. "We probably just missed each other. It's crazy how that works. I wonder if Joanna noticed?"
Natasha shook her head.
"I didn't tell her your name, but she did help me find something for you. She was very nice."
"Michael and I met her years ago," Truth said. "She's always been there for us."
"Does she know?"
"No. We use our aliases when we're with her and we try to limit our visits as much as possible."
Heidi came back then with the remote, which likely meant that she was having some trouble with the television.
"I can't reach it from here, baby," Truth told her. "Did you turn the T.V. on? You can look at the channels for now until we're ready."
She meowed loudly in complaint, but otherwise sat and waited for them to finish, watching attentively.
Truth opened her book first. Upon seeing the cover, she smiled at Natasha and leaned in to give her a hug.
"Thank you. Did you know that I love dragons?"
"No," Natasha replied, "but I'm glad you do."
"You're very sweet."
Then Natasha opened hers and she chuckled.
"Oh, I've heard of this." She held the book up to her face, comparing the shade of her hair to the girl's on the cover. "Is this because I'm a redhead?"
"No! I mean, that's just a lovely coincidence."
Natasha wasn't fully convinced, but also thanked Truth for the gift, eager to add it to her ever dwindling list of new books to read.
"I have one more thing," Truth said, digging into the bag Heidi had brought over.
Before Natasha could make a comment, Truth presented a little clay pot to her, holding it carefully. Natasha leaned closer to get a better look at it.
"Is that...?"
"It's a little cactus," Truth said, looking closely at the prickly green stem. It was almost hard to see it was so tiny. "He looked so cute and lonely, and I know that they're easy to take care of, so I thought that maybe..."
Natasha gently took the plant from her, balancing it in her left as she grabbed her hand.
"Thank you," she told her before Truth could second-guess herself and studied the sapling, touched that Truth thought to give it to her. "He is very cute. Though, I have to admit that I am probably the last person qualified to be responsible for him."
"It's easy, I promise!" Truth assured. "I have one just like him—"
Truth moved to stand up, but she wavered on her feet and Natasha was quick to wrap an arm around her, making sure to place the clay pot in a safe spot on the floor.
"Truth?" she asked, moving to her feet to better support her.
"Sorry." She had a hand against her forehead, her eyes closed as she regained her bearings. "I got a little lightheaded."
Natasha hummed, patiently waiting as Truth recovered. It was normal to feel off-centered and drained after a panic attack. Natasha only wished she'd thought to help her up sooner.
"When was the last time you ate?"
Truth sighed.
"This morning."
"So, when I asked you if you were hungry earlier...?"
She dropped her head onto Natasha's shoulder, trying to hide her face.
"I didn't want to move," she mumbled.
Natasha shook her head, but led Truth to sit down at one of the island stools.
"I'm going to make you something—"
But then Truth grabbed Natasha back, pulling her closer, and Natasha held on before Truth could lose balance, holding back a chastising comment about taking it easy. Instead, they stood facing each other, and Natasha lost her train of thought as they made eye contact.
Truth's eyes were a vortex of color. Despite the prominence of various shades of violet, there was a beautiful assortment of blue that reminded Natasha of Russian sage, a flower that, despite the name, was quite common in Asia.
Then Truth started to speak, and Natasha pushed herself to focus.
"Thank you," she breathed, overwhelmed because Natasha came back and, for a moment, Truth had thought that she wouldn't. "For being here. For coming back."
"I'm not going anywhere," Natasha assured. "That's a promise."
Truth nodded.
"And, I won't try to push you away again. I'm sorry for that. It wasn't fair to you."
Natasha closed her eyes, missing the feel of Truth pressed against her, the warmth of her skin on hers.
But, now at least she still had the feel of her palm in her hands.
"Promise?" Natasha asked.
"I promise," Truth answered.
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