CHAPTER TWENTY THREE !
⤷ ❝ THAT'S NOT FAIR. ❞
MATT LIES IN HIS BED, scrolling mindlessly through social media. his room is dimly lit, the curtains drawn shut to block out the evening light. he's in his favorite pair of comfortable sweatpants, his usual attire for lounging around the house.
it has been the perfect friday for him. his class got cancelled because his professor was sick so he only had hockey practice in the morning. for lunch, he went to chipotle and they gave him a double scoop for free. and now, he gets to stay in bed the rest of the day.
outside his room, he can hear the faint sounds of his brothers getting ready for the party downstairs. chris is blasting music from the speakers while nick rummages through his wardrobe, trying to find the perfect outfit. matt is not going. he's protecting his peace. he doesn't want to see any opps (grayson) while he's there.
he's not in the mood for socializing tonight, especially not at a crowded party.
with a sigh, he sets his phone aside and sinks deeper into his bed, the soft mattress enveloping him in comfort. he knows he should probably get up and at least make an appearance, but the thought of putting on a fake smile and engaging in small talk with people he barely knows is exhausting.
just as he's about to drift off into his own thoughts, the door to his room swings open, and nick barges in without bothering to knock.
"what the fuck are you doing?" nick asks in a shocked tone as he takes in the sight of his brother lying in bed in the middle of the evening.
matt groans, rolling onto his back to face nick. "what does it look like I'm doing? i'm not going to that stupid party."
"okay stupid is crazy." nick raises an eyebrow, crossing his arms over his chest. "it's claire's birthday. we have to go." matt mentally apologizes to claire. she's a nice person she doesn't deserve the slander.
matt shakes his head adamantly. "i'm not in the mood, nick. besides, claire won't even notice if i'm there or not."
nick sighs, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "you can't just hide in your room every time there's a social event, matt. it's not healthy."
matt shrugs, his expression stubborn. "can and will."
nick shakes his head, his expression one of disappointment. "you're a fucking idiot." nick steps back and screams, "chris!"
a few moments pass and matt can hear chris walking down the hallway. he walks in, raising an eyebrow at the scene. "why aren't you dressed?" he asks, clearly confused.
matt has to repeat himself. "i'm not going."
chris frowns. "you have to. you're the designated driver."
"you don't drink during the season either." matt furrows his brows. he's always being the responsible one for the group. he doesn't want to this time. "you be the driver."
chris crosses his arms across his chest. matt can already tell he's about to say some dumb shit. "my car isn't big enough for everyone." and matt was correct! matt is deadset on not going. so much so that the prospect of seeing zara isn't enough to get him out of bed.
matt shrugs. "my keys are hanging up in the kitchen." with that, he sinks back into his pillows, feeling a twinge of guilt but also a sense of relief. "have fun." he knows he should probably make more of an effort to be social, but tonight, he just wants to be left alone.
he actually might have to smoke a joint because it's getting that bad.
"you're so boring," nick says with a roll of his eyes. with that, he and chris turn and leave the room, the door clicking shut behind them.
ZARA SITS IN THE BACK OF XAVIER'S CAR, staring out of the window as they drive towards the sturniolo's house. she's pretending to be in a movie obviously. it's hard not to.
the streetlights are streaks of light as they pass by, her mind preoccupied with thoughts of the upcoming gathering. she's not particularly thrilled about going. of course she's happy to be celebrating claire. it's just the fact that she finally has to face matt.
she wants to continue avoiding him. especially for tonight. she'd rather avoid any awkward encounters if possible. but with lena and xavier eagerly discussing how much they can drink because matt is the designated driver, there's no getting out of it this time.
lena, seated beside xavier in the front, turns around to face zara. "so, what did everyone get claire?"
zara shifts uncomfortably in her seat as she spots the gas station just a few moments from the sturniolo house. just shoot her down now. "i got her a mac demarco vinyl."
lena's eyes light up with interest. "that's good actually." she turns to xavier. "what about you, xavi?"
xavier glances at lena through the rearview mirror, a smile playing on his lips. "i got her a gift card and a buchees hoodie."
lena beams at xavier's thoughtful gesture. claire loves buchees. she literally would drive hours if it meant she could get their peach rings. "that's so claire."
xavier nods, a satisfied expression on his face. "i'm the fucking best for that one too. i had to pay for express shipping like that's a joke."
"are you serious?" lena snorts as she shakes her head at her brother. zara laughs too because what? "what did you think was going to happen when you put it off until the last minute?"
"i definitely wasn't considering $10 shipping." xavier shakes his head. "i got robbed."
zara can't help but chuckle at her brother. he's such an idiot. "maybe don't tell claire that part?"
"to be honest i think i left the shipping label on the box." xavier grins, rolling his eyes in mock exasperation. "am i cooked?"
"probably," zara and lena say at the exact same time. as they approach the entrance of the sturniolo house, zara's nerves begin to resurface. she takes a deep breath, trying to calm her racing heart. this is it. no more avoiding.
xavier is not the one that is cooked here. it is zara actually.
the car pulls into the sturniolo driveway, and zara can feel the weight of anticipation settling over her. lena and xavier don't seem to think that anything is wrong as they carry on walking in front of her, claire's gifts in their hand.
as lena rings the doorbell, zara feels just dread all over her body. the door swings open, revealing chris standing on the other side.
"hey guys," he greets them with a warm smile, ushering them inside. he's a lot more energetic today than usual. probably was allowed to only do two sets of ten instead of three at football.
as they step into the familiar surroundings of the sturniolo house, zara's nerves intensify. she glances around, taking in the familiar sights and sounds of the place she used to spend so much time in.
she gets reminded of the times that it used to be just her and matt here alone and how their relationship is a lot different now.
suddenly, nick appears from the hallway, a look of relief crossing his features when he sees zara. "oh thank God zara i'm so glad you're here," he says, his tone urgent. "we really need you to talk to matt. he's refusing to come to the party, and you're the only one he ver listens to."
"why doesn't he want to go to the party?" lena questions, stepping further into the house.
"we can't have him not going to the party." xavier frowns. "he's like our babysitter." okay that's just being dramatic. actually maybe not. last time xavier got really drunk, matt had to carry him to the car on his back. crazy time.
nick nods. "that's what i'm saying!"
"he's just been really moody recently. for what i don't really know." chris shrugs but points a finger at zara. "what i do know is that zara is the only person who can cheer him up."
every time someone in the room speaks about matt, the knife just twists itself deeper and deeper. zara always thinks she can't feel worse about it, but she always does indeed feel worse.
her stomach drops and she bites her lip, hesitating for a moment before responding. "i don't know," she says, trying to play it cool. "if matt won't listen to his own brothers, i doubt he'll listen to me."
lena interjects, giving zara a pointed look. "that's such a lie. matt always listens to you. you need to go talk to him."
zara brings her lips into a straight line before xavier claps his hands together, begging. "zara please just talk to him." he sticks his bottom lip out as if he's pouting like some little kid. "i'll be sad if my best bud doesn't come along."
zara rolls her eyes. "then you go talk to him," she mutters under her breath, for only herself to hear. with a sigh though, zara agrees. "fine, i'll go talk to him," she says, her voice tinged with uncertainty. "where is he?"
the last person she wants to find right now is matt, but she'll take one for the team.
"he's outside. think he's going to smoke." nick gives her a grateful smile, patting her on the shoulder as she heads off in search of matt. "stop him. please."
"will try my best." as she makes her way through the house, she's definitely intimated by the prospect of speaking to matt. she has to shrug it off though because she has to convince him to go to the party. xavier and nick will be whining about it the entire night if she doesn't.
zara approaches the sliding door leading to the backyard, her steps hesitant. with a deep breath, she pushes the door open and steps out into the cool night air. it's fall so it's getting darker and cooler a lot quicker. it'll probably be fully dark soon so zara needs to make this conversation a quick one.
the backyard is illuminated by the dimly lit lights on the side of the house and around the perimeter of the backyard. as she scans the familiar surroundings, her gaze lands on matt, sitting in his designated smoking spot. he is hunched over, rolling up a joint with practiced ease, his expression unreadable in the faint illumination.
zara takes a moment to compose herself before striding across the backyard towards him. each step feels heavier than the last. she can't shake the knot of anxiety tightening in her stomach, but she pushes forward, knowing she has to confront matt.
as she draws closer, she can see the tension in matt's posture, the furrow in his brow, and the distant look in his eyes. she clears her throat, breaking the silence that hangs heavy between them.
"smoking during season?" she asks softly, careful to not be too loud to make him jump. "that's new."
matt glances up from his work of rolling the joint, his expression guarded. "making an effort to talk to me," he retorts, his tone laced with bitterness. "that's new."
zara winces inwardly at the jab, knowing she deserves it. she's been avoiding matt lately, caught between her loyalty to grayson and her concern for matt's well-being. but matt doesn't know about grayson's worries, and she can't bring herself to betray her boyfriend's confidence.
"i've been busy," she offers weakly, hoping to defuse the tension between them. "but i'm here now."
"busy," he mutters, turning his attention back to the joint in his hands. obviously wasn't the best excuse zara could've given. "you don't have to give me an excuse. i already got the hint."
zara winces at matt's words. she had hoped for a smoother start to their conversation, but matt doesn't want to talk, and rightfully so.
as matt resumes rolling the joint, zara watches him with a mixture of apprehension and uncertainty. she knows she needs to say something, to break through the barrier that has sprung up between them, but finding the right words seems impossible.
with a sigh, zara shifts her gaze to the joint in matt's hands, watching as he places it in between his two fingers. he brings it up to his lips and places it in his mouth. his other hand goes up to flick the lighter and zara's heart races as she musters the courage to intervene.
"wait," she blurts out, her voice barely above a whisper but filled with urgency.
matt pauses, the lighter hovering inches from his mouth, as he looks at her with a look of irritation. "what?"
zara swallows hard, her throat dry with nerves, but she pushes through, knowing she has to stop him.
"you can't," she says. "everyone needs you to be the designated driver tonight." zara knows she sounds stupid. that's why she didn't want to be the one to ask!
matt's eyes narrow in skepticism, but he can't hide the flicker of amusement that dances in his gaze. he lets out a short, laugh, the joint still dangling from between his teeth.
"designated driver?" he repeats, his voice tinged with disbelief.
zara feels a flush of embarrassment rise to her cheeks, knowing her timing is less than ideal. but she squares her shoulders, refusing to back down.
"everyone wants you to go," she insists, meeting his gaze with determination. "we need you, matt."
matt's expression softens slightly, and he withdraws the joint from his mouth. the softness instantly goes away when he realizes that she saw it.
"of course," he says, his voice tinged with sarcasm. "do you need me or do you just need a ride?" matt scoffs. "you only speak to me when you need a ride. how kind of you."
zara winces at the truth in his words, knowing she has let their friendship slide in the midst of her own troubles. "i'm sorry," she says, not really knowing what else there is to say.
matt's gaze lingers on zara, searching her face for answers. his eyes are colder than they usually are. he looks like he wants to ask her something. zara hopes he doesn't because she's not sure he'll like the answer. "is there a reason for you avoiding me?"
zara's heart sinks at the question, knowing she owes him an explanation but unsure of how to explain it. she remains silent, her gaze dropping to the ground as she struggles to find the right words.
"i just... he..." zara stops speaking when she sees the way matt's face contorts.
matt lets out a frustrated sigh, running a hand through his hair in exasperation. "don't tell me it's about grayson."
zara flinches at the mention of grayson's name, her guilt weighing heavily on her conscience. she knows she has to listen to grayson, but she also can't continue to avoid matt, especially when she's the one who has to get him to do stuff with the group.
"it's complicated," she finally manages to say, her voice barely above a whisper.
matt's gaze remains fixed on zara. "complicated how?" he presses, his voice edged with impatience.
zara shifts uncomfortably under his scrutiny, her mind racing as she searches for a way to explain without revealing too much. but she knows she can't keep avoiding the truth, not if she wants to salvage their friendship.
zara swallows hard. "he doesn't want me around you," she admits, her voice barely above a whisper. "because of... how we used to be."
matt's eyes narrow in confusion, but then realization dawns on his face. "oh."
zara winces at the blunt acknowledgment, feeling a flush of embarrassment rise to her cheeks. "yeah," she mutters, unable to meet matt's gaze.
matt lets out a scoff, shaking his head in disbelief. "and you're actually listening to him?" he asks, his tone tinged with disbelief.
zara shifts uncomfortably, knowing she can't fully explain the complexities of her relationship with grayson. matt won't get it. he's just a player who doesn't understand that you owe certain things to your partner.
"he's just... worried," she says weakly.
matt's expression softens slightly, his gaze searching hers for answers. "and what about you?" he asks softly. "are you worried?"
zara hesitates, unsure of how to respond. there is so many hidden layers to the question. like why would zara be worried about matt? she's really only worried about grayson finding out about this conversation. then it would really be wraps.
matt takes her silence as an answer, his expression hardening. he lets out a scoff, shaking his head. without another word, he brings the joint to his lips, lighting it with the lighter, and takes a long drag before tilting his head up, exhaling a cloud of smoke into the cool night air.
okay. mission failed.
"the least you could've done is tell me yourself rather than have me thinking that i did something wrong," matt says bitterly. "all i'm hearing is that your boyfriend is insecure."
zara's heart sinks at matt's accusation. she wants to defend grayson, to explain that his concerns are valid, but she knows it won't change anything. matt is so one-track-minded. he doesn't get it. so instead, she finds herself blurting out the one thing she knows will only add fuel to the fire.
"you flirt with me all the time, matt. you make jokes about kissing me and about us having sex," she says, her voice tinged with frustration. "you can't deny that. if you and i were dating and the shoe were on the other foot, you wouldn't want me seeing grayson either."
matt's eyes narrow in disbelief, his expression hardening with indignation. "that's not the same thing," he retorts, his tone sharp with anger. zara furrows her brow. it very much so is the same thing.
zara feels a surge of frustration at his dismissal, her own anger simmering just beneath the surface. "you're not helping the case at all," she retorts, her voice tinged with exasperation. "you think my relationship with grayson is a joke, still. even after several conversations."
"you don't understand," he says, his voice laced with bitterness. "you never have."
his statement is cryptic and it leaves zara spiraling. she's not sure what matt means by never. she feels as though she has been reading matt pretty well this entire time. the entire time she's known him actually.
he's a no-strings-attached kind of guy. always has been. she was the one dumb enough to think he'd be different for her.
"what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" zara questions as she crosses her arms across her chest, stepping closer to matt.
matt's expression hardens at her words, his jaw clenching with pent-up frustration. he takes another long drag of the joint, exhaling a cloud of smoke into the night air before turning his gaze back to zara.
"why is it him?" he asks, keeping his low-lidded eyes on her.
zara's heart sinks at the question, knowing that there's no easy answer. "he's my boyfriend matt," she replies, her voice pleading for understanding. she just feels that things would be so easy if matt just understood. "it's about... being a good girlfriend to him."
"that's not what i mean," matt says, shaking his head. "i mean why do you like him?"
zara doesn't miss the way matt refuses to acknowledge the fact that zara loves grayson. her brow furrows at matt's question, his words cutting through the tension like a knife. she hadn't expected him to ask such a probing question. she didn't really expect him to care.
"i..." she starts, her voice faltering as she searches for the right words. how could she possibly explain her emotions to matt when she barely understood them herself?
"i told this before," she finally manages to say, her voice barely above a whisper. "he's good. he makes me feel safe, you know?"
matt's expression softens slightly at her words, a flicker of understanding crossing his features. "and i don't?" he asks, his tone tinged with hurt. matt is making her sick. the way he's staring at her. the way he looks under this lighting. it's all way too much.
zara hesitates, unsure of how to respond. "it's not that," she says finally. "it's just... different with him."
matt's gaze lingers on her, searching for answers in the depths of her eyes. "different how?"
"i don't know," she admits, her voice barely above a whisper. "it's... complicated."
matt's expression hardens at her response, his disappointment obvious. "complicated. you keep calling it complicated," he repeats bitterly. "isn't that just another way of saying you don't know what you want?" he shrugs. "just call it off if you're that unsure."
zara winces at the accusation. matt's already made up his mind about her, about them. "don't be an asshole matt." because he honestly starting to be one. he wants answers to questions that she just doesn't have the answers to.
"i'm sorry," he murmurs, his voice not containing an ounce of regret. "i just don't understand it, zara. grayson isn't anything special." matt shrugs as he takes another hit of the joint. from the way he's going, he's going to green out. "i tried to see it but i just can't."
zara's jaw tightens at his words, her frustration boiling over. "you don't need to see it. it's not about you," she snaps, her tone sharp with anger. "grayson makes me feel good. he makes me happy."
"fuck him," he mutters bitterly. matt's gaze hardens at her defiance, his jaw clenching with pent-up frustration. "you know he can't make you feel as good as i can."
zara's heart skips a beat at his words, her breath catching in her throat. zara wants to deny it, but somewhere in her heart, she knows matt's right. there's was once a chemistry between them that she couldn't deny. but she also knows that pursuing anything with matt would only lead to more heartache, more complications.
"stop it matt." she's been there, done that. "that's not fair."
matt's gaze softens slightly at her plea, a hint of regret flashing in his eyes. "i just..." he begins, his voice trailing off as he searches for the right words. "i just don't want to see you get hurt, zara. not by him. i don't even think you really like him. you can't like him. he's not for you."
"matt," she says softly, her voice tinged with sadness. "you have to stop saying things like that. it's not fair to him, or me."
matt's expression darkens at her rebuke, his frustration evident. "how is it not fair?" he demands, his tone tinged with frustration. "i just feel—"
zara's jaw tightens at his accusation, her own frustration boiling over. "you don't get to feel anything about my relationship," she retorts, her voice tinged with anger. "i spent all that time pining over you like a fucking idiot and now you want feel things about me?"
matt's expression morphs into one of confusion, his brows furrowing in disbelief. "what?" he asks, his tone incredulous. "pining over me?"
zara scoffs, shaking her head. "don't play dumb. it was obvious." she clicks her tongue. "you know honestly, it's pretty hypothetical for you to say i 'should have told you' when you're the one who strung me along for years."
zara is just on a roll now. she needs to let out all of the pent-up anger she's felt towards matt. it's not fair. it's just not fair.
"what are you talking about?" he asks, growing just as angry as her. "you wanted to be what we were. you were the one who started it."
"no i did not i—" zara stops herself. she will not be arguing with someone who made her look stupid. "nevermind. it doesn't matter. honestly, i don't care," she says quickly, her voice strained. "it's in the past."
matt shakes his head. "that doesn't make it matter any less."
"you don't get to come in here and ruin everything just because you can't handle seeing me with someone else," zara says. she huffs in annoyance. "get over yourself."
matt's gaze hardens at her words. "i'm not trying to ruin anything, zara." he puts his joint on the tray. it's long gone now. the cold air took out the flame. "guess it's fuck me for caring about you right?
"the way you 'care' about people is pretty weird," she says. a flicker of hurt flashes over matt's face, but she keeps her hard resolve. "we can't keep doing this, matt," she says. "we can't keep pretending like there's something between us when there isn't."
matt's expression darkens at her words, his frustration boiling over. "then why do you keep coming back?"
zara's heart aches at his question, knowing that she's been just as guilty of leading him on as he has been of stringing her along. she should've just ended it at the beginning. she was just so focused on being a good friend.
"because i used to be an idiot," she admits, her voice barely above a whisper. "because i couldn't let go of what we used to have."
"then don't," he murmurs, his voice filled with regret.
zara frowns at matt's response. "i already have," she says, her tone firm. "we're done. for real this time."
she doesn't wait for matt to respond as she turns on her heels, her mind made up. she begins walking away from matt but she stops. "i'll just tell everyone you were already smoking before i got to you."
as she walks away, leaving matt alone outside, she can feel the weight of their unresolved conversation lingering in the air like a heavy fog. but she refuses to let it consume her any longer. she knows she can't keep dancing around the same issues with matt, pretending like there's something between them when there isn't. matt doesn't want her like that. everything is physical for him.
she's with grayson now. someone who actually knows how to treat her the way she wants to be treated.
VAL SPEAKS
should note that in hockey weed isn't really tested for bc it isn't a performance enhancing drug, hence why it isn't that big of a deal that matt smokes during season !!!
ALSO GUYS I KNOW MATT IS BEING TOXIC RN BUT TRUST his character development is coming soon 😕😕
and to the reputation readers out there trust the drafts are drafting chap is coming soon