a/n we have 9 days left in hospital until I'm free :) very excited! this chapter is a lot sweeter and a lot calmer than the previous ones. Just a reminder that all of these chapters are only edited by me atm and they are still going to be edited. This is a work in progress so please be patient especially when I get discharged from hospital as I will have a lot less time to write and writing is a time consuming process <3
tw (trigger warning)
cw (content warning)
cw sneaking out
Chilly air streamed into my room through my window. Arms wrapped around my knees my chin resting on my left patella gazing longingly out of the double glazing. Bringing myself back to reality, my eyes flitted down to Zach's jumper just lying on the floor. Crumpled. Something about it seemed inherently abhorrent, the idea something of Zach's wasn't worthy of a place in his room. My hands reached for it, pulling it towards me. His scent floated through the molecules and was drawn up through my nose. Comfort was the first emotion that filled me, the feeling that you are existing and that is ok. Gods I miss that boy. Unexpectedly, my arms around my knees felt like his, his firm grip on my shoulders... Why did it have to arise now? What about Zach? Well obviously, I know what it is but still... Intercostal muscles refusing to do their job caused my body to heave with effort of refilling my lungs with the lifeblood they necessitated. And now the walls were closing in- I need to get out.
- cw -
Somehow, I ended up out of my window, down the street and halfway to the forest before my brain caught up with my body. Abandoning the comfort of bedroom, transposing surveying my cream, poster covered walls for witnessing the semi-deserted streets. Legs moving of their own accord, dragging me with them, being pulled forward by some invisible string. Some cultures believe in the strings of fate- maybe that's what this was? Destiny and fate are concepts I find myself buying into increasingly as I mature. All I could do is let my body move. Brisk wintry oxygen scraped down the sides of my trachea, imprinting the pain of freedom. Soon the forest was in sight, conifers were so large and intimidating it almost was if they were warning me of something irreversible. Pain jolted my attention to my side- a stitch. Soldiering on until there was an opening in the forest, a winding wooden walkway leading me even further pulled by the sibylline string attached to my chest, I leant my back against the rough, nodular bark of a long leaf pine. Sternum rising and falling, filling and emptying. Only now did I notice that it was Zach's jacket keeping me toasty. Slowly I found the breath I had lost, the lactic acid dematerialising from my side following the boardwalk I found a clearing. Packed soil left a level surface for the falling pine needles to reside upon, the perfect location to watch the moon traverse across the sky. Stars scattered around it like admirers or copycats. Stars smaller moons, supernovas outshining even the sun, something more transcendental than the planets. Stars could be observed for years with no change but one night a couple fires would extinguish. Only those who really cared would notice. Only the persistent could acknowledge such a miniscule change in the vast expanse of space. Only those who...
"Ryan? What are you doing here?"
What was unequivocally Zach's voice, sounded from the backdrop.
"Zach?"
Pivoting to look behind me I saw Zach standing there, subconsciously I pulled the sleeves over my hand so I could grip the cuff tighter. Appreciating the bark under my hand I was struck with how emotionally drained Zach looked, shoulders slumped, eyes drooped and puffy. Concern sparked in my solar plexus. Was I the cause of his distress?
"I didn't know you came here too."
Zach took a few steps forward to sit down cross legged in the centre of the clearing. Warm eyes followed the outline of my figure assessing why I was here.
"Uh well," anxiously my hand rose away from the tree to the back of neck, "This is my first time here at night."
Why did I confess that? Does that mean he comes here routinely at night? Drawing air into my waiting lungs, I also took a few steps forward. Placing myself down a couple metres away, I let my knees contract into my chest letting my chin take its perch on my patella.
"Oh really? Wow."
He lay back. Body visibly relaxing, the air leaving his lungs creating a cloud of mist in the space above us. Both hands placed behind his head to form some kind of cushion from the frozen soil.
"I thought you found out my secret- ha."
Zach lay there quietly giggling. My icy eyes glued to him, tracking every movement.
We stayed like that for a while- silent- relishing the company of another human but silently cerebrating on what brought us to the forest. Fresh air was what I coveted, space, somewhere I could subsist. Somewhere it was inconsequential if I cried if I shouted or if I simply sat there. The waxing gibbous continually crept higher, iridescent stars guiding it to its peak. My heart beat out of my chest beating louder and harder than it has ever been. Blood pounding in my ears reminded me of the ground beneath me, I could feel the blood passing between the weight of my body and the compact ground. Cold percolated through my clothes, reminding me that I could've been sat with my stuffies under my skateboard shelves peacefully asleep by now- but no my body decided to go on a fieldtrip; at least I'm with Zach.
"Do you ever wonder if physics applies to psychology?"
Forgetting my dilemma instantly, I shot back a response.
"What?"
Moving his arm to prop himself up so he could look me in the eye.
"I said 'Do you ever-"
"I heard what you said- but what do you mean?"
Both our bodies took on our natural forms, muscles relaxing, facial expressions unmasked and raw. All my focus was on my thoughts, trying to fathom the suggestion.
"Newton suggested in his fifth law that everything has an equal and opposite reaction- so does that apply to humans? Does it mean that every interaction we have is somehow slightly predetermined in the way that what goes up must come back down?"
"Well, I mean, I guess? Because if it applies to humans and our thoughts that must mean that we can respond one of two ways which would mean a situation like this could either end in either you trying to shut it down or us having a debate."
Zach sat up.
"Or does it go even deeper than that? Like today my parents were forcing me to do chores so this is the opposite reaction. Friendships where it can either be toxic and parasitic or healthy and symbiotic. Is it, that there is equal and opposite or is it further than that?"
On and on we went. Talking about physics and the connection to human psychology, I had no idea Zach was interested in psychology. Without realising we had moved closer together, until we were just a breath apart shooting concepts back and forth dissecting this idea. Sleep deprivation and philosophy go surprisingly well together, it removes the awkward barrier of attempting to upkeep an image and replaces it with an easy confidence and ability to be quintessentially yourself. Alcohol has a similar effect. Being this close to one another allowed us to share heat, for my body to rest against his.
"Is that my jumper?"
How did I forget?
"Oh yeah haha sorry, I was going to return it. I think? Frankly, I didn't know where my body was taking me tonight."
A quizzical look dawned on Zach's face, his head leaning to the side a little, like that one scene in Bolt where Mittens is teaching Bolt how to beg- it was adorable.
"Your body just took you here?"
Voice barely above a whisper but ushered straight to my ears so I still heard every word.
"Yeah, why?"
"Nothing- it's just interesting. This forest also kind of called to me, I was walking home one day and just found myself here in this clearing."
Our hands bumped as we shuffled around to prevent our limbs from falling asleep. Pins and needles already shooting up my calf. Electricity sparked between us, the sleep deprivation is setting in. There's nothing between us. Don't be daft Ryan. We lay down next to each other, exchanging questions back and forth. Turns out he didn't know I skateboard, so I told him all about the different boards, different tricks, how my old boards are now my bookshelves. It felt nice to finally be able to talk without fearing the consequences, without the expectation of the conversation being beneficial in some way. Talking just for the sake of talking.
Voices long forgotten, reposeful breaths and the deep rising and fall of our chests as we watched the moon dip below the tree line again; silver luminescence started to give way to brighter light was our cue to get up. Static was now thrumming through our veins, shaking out my arms and legs I steeled myself for the walk home without the comfort of Zach's rumbly tired voice filling the space.
"D'you want your jumper back?"
I wasn't sure if I wanted to part with it just yet, but it was his jumper, so I thought I'd offer it.
"You'll be cold on the way back; you'd better keep it."
- cw over -
And that was that- my trek back home began.
1,549 words
a/n thank you for sticking with me, it means a lot. I'm trying to keep the next few chapters more chill but honestly I think I'm failing. THERES JUST SO MUCH BEHIND BOTH OF THEIR CHARACTERS crying rn. Anyways hope everyone is doing well and thank you so much for reading and voting it means sm to see all this engagement with my writing <3