[TW - Mentions of suicide, declining mental health, please read with caution if you are faint of heart.]
~
Minji glanced over to her younger friends, the two maknaes watching Danielle cook.
"Hey, I'm gonna get Hanni, can you guys set the table?"
"Nae~"
"We will~"
"On it!"
...
...
...
...
A bunny-like girl watched as the sun began to set on the horizon, the orange and yellow mixing in with the dark blue ocean that loomed past the cliff she sat at.
Her feet dangled off the edge.
And although it was getting cold, Hanni was out wearing a tank top and jeans.
The sunset was nice...
But to Hanni, the ocean below looked nicer.
The girl looked down at her dangling feet, the ocean was right under her, who knows how deep it was that close to the cliff.
All she knew was that the height was more than enough to kill her.
Hanni stood up, keeping her eyes on the ocean below.
'If I'm gone... They'll be free from all this hate right?'
She bit at her lip, 'Minji will stop getting death threats... right?'
Hanni took a step closer to the edge, feeling some of the loose soil above the solid rock fall into the abyss below.
'If the cause is gone, there's no need for people to keep this hate up.'
"Good riddance..."
Hanni muttered under her breath, feeling her body lean forward as if gravitating her towards the edge more than she already was, begging her to fall.
The ocean was mocking her, yet it had open arms to invite Hanni right in.
"Hanni???"
The Vietnamese girl tensed, freezing before she took the second step.
"Fuck..."
"Oh my God HANNI."
Hanni's eyes dropped halfway as she heard running behind her.
'Minji-yah... I can't keep doing this anymore...'
She slowly turned around, weakly chuckling to herself.
"You better stop running Min or you're gonna fall flat on your face again. You suck at running, remember?"
The older girl abruptly stopped a few feet away from her, a little out of breath.
"H-Hanni, what are you doing there?"
"..."
From Hanni's silence, Minji slowly raised her hands up, taking a step forward.
"H-Han-"
Hanni took a step back, she didn't bother checking to see how far from the edge she was.
A swell of panic flooded into Minji's eyes and voice.
"H-hey... hey... Hanni, please don't do that."
"Min..."
"Please Hanni, come back over here, aren't you cold? Here, let me give you my jacket."
'Always so caring... You never deserved any of this.'
"I'm sorry."
Minji's face immediately fell from her apology.
"No no n-no, no you're NOT!"
Hanni startled out of her somber daze from Minji's broken yell.
"You're not sorry! If you're sorry you wouldn't be hEre right now, you'd be inside, with u-us."
The younger girl frowned at Minji's voice cracking, keeping her silence.
But her eyes widened as their three younger friends began to walk up from behind Minji to see what the commotion was about.
"Guys, what's going on?"
Danielle froze as she saw how close Hanni was to the edge, even just half a step backward would be enough for the girl to lose her balance and fall.
"Han...ni...?"
Haerin's eyes widened from Hanni's slouched posture and dull frown, "unnie..."
Hyein wrung at her hands in worry, "Hanni-unnie, w-what are you doing over there?"
"..."
Their maknae frowned, "unnie... Please come back inside, it's cold out here, you'll catch a cold."
Hanni stared at all four of them, "I..."
She met Minji's gaze, her emptiness faltering at what stared back at her.
The eldest was struggling not to cry in front of any of them, her lips pursed with her eyebrows furrowed, her fists trembling at her sides.
A string inside Hanni snapped as she saw all of their stares towards her. The stares of four girls who were always with her, through thick and thin.
"I-I..."
'They've all been through so much hate... Everyone in this industry has...'
"I-I'm sorry..."
Hanni grew weak in the knees as she slowly started to kneel down.
'I'm so weak...'
"I-I-I'm s-so sorry..."
The girl covered her face with her hands as she started to tear up, feeling her throat tighten.
'I almost left them alone. Oh God I can't do that to any of them! Especially not to Hyein and Haerin... They're still growing up, they need all their older sisters...'
And as realization pulled through past the dark void within her soul...
Hanni began to cry.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I-I'm s-so sorry..."
Minji walked up to the bunny, crouching down as she gently rubbed Hanni's head.
"Hanni-yah..."
Her tone...
Was always so soft towards Hanni whenever she said her name.
Hanni tried to wipe away her tears, but Minji pulled away the girl's hands to see her face.
The older girl gave Hanni a trembling smile, "let us help you..."
She whispered softly, like she always did whenever she spoke to Hanni in the middle of the night before going to sleep.
"Let me, help you..."
Hot tears refused to stay hidden as a sad frown traced Hanni's lips, her body trembling from the tension.
"Come here."
Minji opened her arms, and Hanni immediately fell into them.
She began to cry once more.
Minji gently rubbed Hanni's head with one hand as the other pressed firmly against her back as a support, the bear quietly whispering soft reassurances into the bunny's ear.
"It's okay, it's okay... Let it all out... Gwenchana... Min's here... Your Minji's here..."
Hanni clutched the older girl tighter, "I-I-I'm s-sorry..."
"It's okay..."
"I-I r-really don't want to l-leave you guys..."
"I know you don't..."
Minji gave her a tight squeeze that seemed to anchor Hanni back onto solid ground.
"We know..."
The world seemed to still as all that was left was the sound of the crashing waves far below their surface and soft sniffles, even when the bunny stopped crying, the bear was there to hold her steady on the ground.
...
...
...
...
...
Hanni shivered, and Minji gently pulled the broken girl away, "hey..."
The bunny looked away, rubbing at her eyes, "mm?"
The bear took off her large jacket, draping it around the shivering girl.
"Let's go back inside, okay? It's gonna get colder soon and we just finished cooking."
Hanni gave a weak nod alongside a mumble, "okay..."
The younger girl put Minji's jacket on before holding onto Minji's hands so that the bear could pull her up from her knees, the older of the two brushing the dirt off of the bunny's jeans.
"Gaja."
Hanni nodded once more, unable to meet anyone's eyes as she stared at the floor.
Danielle gently rested a hand on Hanni's back as she passed by her, holding her steady as the group of five walked back to their vacation cabin.
The dining room was silent besides the soft clatter of plates and utensils, no one dared to speak on what happened.
Hanni ate all of her food.
"Want some more? We still have a lot left."
"Nah I'm good... Thanks though."
Danielle nodded, the maknae pointing to the living room.
"Wanna watch a movie with us Hanni-unnie?"
The bunny softly smiled, "sure..."
As soon as she was about to put her plate away, Minji swooped around and grabbed it from her hands.
"Go watch that movie, Dani and I will do the dishes."
"Wh- I-"
Hanni stopped talking when Minji kissed her on the forehead, "you always do the dishes, let me do them."
"I-... Okay."
Hyein and Haerin pulled Hanni to the living room, the maknae holding the older girl's hand while leading her while the cat hugged Hanni's other arm.
The three sat on the couch as Haerin scrolled through the TV to find a movie, Hyein shifting her position so that she was hugging the bunny's waist as she rested her head on her shoulder. As Haerin turned on a random movie, the cat rested her head on Hanni's other shoulder, continuously hugging the bunny's arm.
Even in their silence, Hanni felt a tremendous amount of comfort ease her body from the two maknaes next to her.
None of them were watching the movie.
At some point, Haerin and Hyein had dozed off while still hugging Hanni, and the oldest of the three had begun to slowly nod off as well as the movie credits began to roll.
Consciousness came back to her as she heard shuffling footsteps, and her eyes flickered up as Danielle quietly approached her.
The ball of sunshine gave Hanni a small smile as she whispered quietly.
"Hey..."
"Hey... Want Rin back?"
Danielle softly chuckled, "it's really late, we should all head to bed."
Hanni nodded, gently nudging the two maknaes on either side of her.
"Hey guys..."
The youngest of them all shifted in her sleep, pulling away as she spoke in a groggy voice.
"Mm? Yeah unnie...?"
Hyein rubbed her eyes as Hanni spoke, "it's time to go to bed."
Danielle gently shook Haerin, "come on Rin, wake up."
The cat slowly opened her eyes, "mmm... Okay..."
The two pulled away from Hanni after saying goodnight to her, following Danielle into the hallway.
The Australian girl turned to Hanni before she completely left, "Minji's in the kitchen, take your guys' time."
Hanni nodded, stretching as she stood up before hugging Minji's jacket around her. She shuffled to the kitchen, revealing her girlfriend who sat at the kitchen island counter, her head in her arms as she slept.
The bunny quietly went up, gently shaking the older girl, "Minji... Wake up."
The bear startled, quickly sitting up, "o-oh- Hey Hanni."
"That's gotta be bad for your back."
Minji cracked her back as if on queue, stretching to release the tension.
"Eh it's fine..."
"Why are you in the kitchen?"
Minji glanced over, "you three seemed very comfortable in the living room while sleeping, I didn't want to bother you guys."
She then stood up from her stool, "Han?"
"Hm?"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
From Hanni's slight frown and silence, Minji spoke again.
"If not, that's okay too. You can take your time, I don't want you to rush yourself."
After a moment of silence, Hanni chuckled, "you're such a great leader, you know that?"
Minji smiled as she brushed a strand of hair off of Hanni's face.
"And you're such a good older sister to the other three, and such a good girlfriend too."
Hanni weakly smiled, making the bear rub the shorter girl's head.
"Can you promise me something, Han?"
"Hm?"
Minji pulled her hand away to make a promise gesture.
"If you feel that need again... Please take to me."
Her smile matched her weak whisper, "I want to help you."
...
Hanni returned the promise gesture, "I promise... I really will try."
Minji nodded, satisfied with her answer, "want to head to bed?"
"Yeah, do you want your jacket back?"
"Personally I can't wear jackets to sleep but if you can and if you want to, you can keep it."
The two snuck into the bedroom all five of them shared for the vacation, their three younger friends already asleep.
Danielle stirred awake as the two crawled onto the bed as quietly as they could, Minji softly mumbling to not wake the others.
"Shhh shhh... Go back to sleep."
The two settled down under the covers, the bear opening up her arms for Hanni.
The bunny smiled, immediately going in to hug her.
Minji began to gently, rhythmically, pat her back, "I love you, Hanni."
Hanni melted into her girlfriend's embrace, her voice muffled by her chest.
"I love you too... Minji..."
~ ~ ~
...
...
...
...
...
NEWJEANS PHAM HANNI RETURNED FROM HIATUS OF 2 YEARS
NEWJEANS IS FIVE ONCE AGAIN FOR THEIR UPCOMING ALBUM
NEWJEANS WORLD TOUR COMING SOON
...
...
...
...
...
Hanni picked at her lip, bouncing from one foot to another.
"Hey."
"..."
"Hello~ Earth to Hanni~"
"..."
"Oh my God guys Minji-unnie looks so hot right now."
Hanni jerked her head over after snapping out of her thoughts, revealing Hyein laughing practically on the floor with Haerin's smug smirk, Danielle's teasing giggle, and a flustered Minji.
"Huh?"
"That got you out of your head."
Minji walked over, pulling Hanni's hand away from her face before landing a quick kiss.
"Stop picking at your lip, it's gonna bleed."
"Thank God our makeup artist didn't see that or she'd throw a fit having to redo makeup five minutes before we go on."
Minji chuckled, patting Hanni's head, "you'll be fine Han, we'll be fine."
"Heck yeah we will be!"
"We got this unnie!"
"C'mon Hanni-unnie, let's rock the world~"
The bunny smiled at her groupmate's encouragement, "yeah... You guys are right."
Two years had passed since the incident at the beach cliffside.
Hanni, alongside the others including their CEO, thought it'd be best for her to take an actual break.
She had spent the time completely away from any sort of social media, taking majority of the time back in Australia with her family while still keeping in touch with her groupmates and her CEO.
And well, she's back.
NEWJEANS had made an EP without her the previous year, but now they were back as five.
As they should be.
Not with just an album, but a world tour as well.
And well...
However much Hanni started to hate being a public figure, the love she had for dancing and singing stayed as she went back up on stage once again.
Her nerves immediately washed away as she began to perform for the first time in two years, the audience was packed full with cheers and screams and Binky-Bongs.
As she performed with her groupmates, her friends, her family, her everything, she had noticed posters here and there welcoming her back with loving arms.
She was too far in her dark abyss to see the positivity many fans had beforehand.
But now she knows.
The fans let her know.
Her vision of these signs increased as the concert slowly came to an end, the girls talking to the huge audience.
WELCOME BACK HANNI <3
HANNI WE MISSED YOU!!
WE SUPPORT BBANGSAZ <3
WE HEART BBANGSAZ
NWJNS IS 5
Alongside the signs she saw pride flags alongside funny cardboard meme picture cut-outs, all varying signs of support and love.
She was struggling not to cry.
And well, it was now her time to talk.
"Um..."
Hanni bit at her lip, some of the fans near the front of the stage seeing that she was struggling to keep her tears in check.
"Aweeeee."
"Eeol ji ma, Eeol ji ma." ("Don't cry")
Seeing this, Minji wrapped an arm around Hanni's waist, smiling at her as Danielle hugged her from the other side while Haerin and Hyein hugged Minji and Danielle to form a big group hug.
Fighting back tears, Hanni raised up a smile, softly whispering into her mic.
"Thank you for waiting for me..."
"That's right your favorite Pham Hanni is back!"
Hyein reciprocated Danielle's enthusiasm alongside Haerin.
"Yeahhh give it up for Hanni-unnie!!"
"Wooo unnie!"
The audience cheered alongside them, and Minji softly smiled as she pulled her arm away to rub Hanni's head, her voice soft.
"Welcome back, Han..."
The audience was immediately thrown into a bundle of softness from Minji's sweet tone.
"Aweeeeeeeeee."
Hanni grinned at the audience before glancing at the others, her groupmates giving her a nod.
"But unfortunately..."
"AWEEEEE..."
Hanni giggled at the audience's reaction, "hey hey, you guys will see more of us soon! Right guys?"
"Yeah!"
Hanni continued after getting nods from the other girls.
"I know it hurts to let you guys go but it's getting a bit late... So why don't we go back to where it all started? How 'bout it guys?"
Danielle spoke as the five girls got into position again.
"OMG that's such a good idea!"
Hyein nodded as she grinned at the audience, "the morning's too far anyways, how about some more hype before we go?"
"YEAHHHH NEWJEANS NEWJEANS NEWJEANS."
Haerin looked around, tapping her chin, "are you guys hungry? I'm personally craving something sweet after this..."
Minji chuckled as the instrumentals of their debut song slowly started to play louder.
"You guys have given us so much attention since the beginning, thank you all!"
And with that, the group dived into performing their debut album as a final thank you to the crowd, their enjoyment for performing reciprocated through the audience's cheers...
- TIMESKIP 2 WEEKS -
Hanni hummed as she cleaned her closet, promptly ignoring whatever Haerin and Hyein were bickering about so loudly in the living room that it was heard even with her closed bedroom door.
'Huh?'
Hanni paused as she saw a small box in the corner she hadn't seen before, taking it out before brushing the dust off.
'What's this?'
The bunny opened the box, her eyes widening as she recognized what was inside.
Letters...
Notes...
Narratives of what Hanni felt like when she was far deep in her mental abyss...
'I... still have this...?'
She picked up the first, and longest, written piece, her handwriting messy from her past self's lack of sleep and mental deterioration.
I have no more warmth to give, with no more pain to hold. I gently rest the weight of the world off of my shoulders for the next person to come and pick it up, for the world is too far gone for someone like me to restore.
And like those who lived long before us, the horizon is not a new beginning to me, it is the end. As I stand at the edge of the world, I wish for pain to come back to me in order to give out light and warmth once more. For without pain, what is there to love? Without the cold, fire and passion has no meaning, they are just letters bundled into a new entity that should mean something, but without its darker counterpart, it means nothing. The entity is meaningless. The words are meaningless until given life, and when given life, it is given pain. Three words could mean everything yet nothing at all, but as humans we cannot seem to accept darkness within the light. Even if we are at the brink of extinction, we can not find beauty in darkness, failing to realize that chasing the light constantly gives more pain than the sorrow itself. The "light at the end of the tunnel" brings more harm than sitting peacefully within the unknown, yet we still continue to run. Or perhaps I have lost the resolve to heal the world of its impurities in which we humans have created. The world stays still with all its wounds and contusions, its ocean-blue blood trickling onto me, drying and cracking my skin.
So as the next person takes my place at the edge of the world, may they be the one to mend our home of its insecurities.
"..."
Knock Knock...
Hanni turned around, watching as Minji stepped inside.
"Han? Food's ready."
"Ah- it is? I could've helped set the table."
Minji shook her head as she walked up to her girlfriend, "it's alright, whatcha reading?"
Hanni weakly smiled as she returned her gaze at her handwriting.
"I... found something I wrote a few years back..."
Minji rested her chin on the bunny's shoulder as she hugged her from behind, skimming through the piece of paper.
"You were always a good writer."
"Pshh no I'm not."
"Okay miss 'I helped write most of the songs in our newest album' and also co-wrote 'OMG' and 'Hype Boy'."
"You literally wrote 'Ditto'! And we all wrote in our newest album."
Minji tilted her head slightly to kiss Hanni's cheek, "come on Hanni-yah, let's go eat. Our maknaes are waiting for us."
"Dani's a maknae??? She's literally our age."
"Okay our makanes plus dongsaeng is waiting for us, come on."
Hanni kept staring at the narrative in her hands, prompting Minji to speak up again.
"Are you gonna keep it?"
"..."
The bunny gently pulled away from Minji, sitting down at her desk.
"Actually, can you guys start eating before me? I need to do something?"
Minji's confused stare turned to shock as Hanni began to rip up the piece of paper, the bear watching as the bunny tore at the other letters in the small box before throwing it all away.
The younger girl shuffled around her desk to find a fresh piece of paper and a pen, glancing behind her to smile at the leader.
"I'll be quick, I don't want to keep you guys waiting though."
Minji nodded, walking away to the open door.
"GUYS, start eating Hanni and I will be out in a bit."
"Nae!"
"Okay~!"
"Nae~"
Hanni startled from Minji's yell, staring at Minji in mixed surprise and confusion as the bear walked back to her after closing the door.
"You're not gonna eat???"
Minji rolled up her own chair, sitting next to Hanni, "I'll always wait by your side, Hanni."
Hanni softly smiled at her girlfriend's answer, "and I will too..."
She focused back on the paper in front of her, and with the presence of someone who had been with her thick and thin, her saving grace, her whole world...
Hanni began to write with a new perspective...
The world, in my eyes, has begun to heal. Or perhaps I am the one that is healing. Either way the flowers have been blooming with more vibrant hues, the moon shining beautifully among its companions of stars. Four stars among them shine the brightest within me, for these stars have seen me and held onto me through my trials and tribulations. No amount of "low" is boundless for them, they will always find a way to bring me back to solid ground.
As I stare at the ocean, I am no longer plagued by thoughts of wanting to float into the abyss, but to run in with my four stars of beauty and have some fun with the waves. I no longer hold the world upon my shoulders, but I stand next to it, walking alongside it. And beyond that, is a whole other world, my whole world. My saving grace, the one who gave me the final hand to pull myself out of the lonely, dark, hole I had brought upon myself. Warmth has begun to seep back into me, I believe it is the stars' doing, their warmth and love as overflowing as their beauty and wit.
So as a new chapter begins within an endless horizon, may I continue to bring warmth to these stars and to the world, as they have done to me back a hundredfold.
- Pham Ngoc Han, Pham Hanni, NEWJEANS ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱
[The End]
A/N: Hey guys! I hope you all enjoyed this little short story while you guys wait for my newest fic to come on Saturday :]
This was more on the sadder side compared to Convenient Meeting, if you guys read Mourning Sun recently... Apologies for the amount of tear-jerkers I've been writing AJSKDJHASD.
Also the two narratives Hanni wrote/writes are actually me just having a burst of melancholic inspiration while I should've been working on my chem lab report a few weeks ago LMAO. (I quite literally have a notes folder called "3am Writing Stuff") I just decided to use it here since it was very fitting to how Hanni felt back then, and currently.
Anyways, once again, this story is my complete imagination, I hope and pray to anyone out there that Hanni nor the rest of NEWJEANS will ever have to feel something like this during their career and even after that. But it honestly goes to show that we don't really know what's going on behind the curtains and all the perfect smiles. Please be nice, everyone, you don't know if you will make or break someone's day.
And as always, stay safe, stay healthy, you are loved <3
And stay tuned for Saturday :)