As the stars illuminated the night, their light reflected on the streets as a young woman stepped gracefully onto the road. She adjusted the collar of her snow-white shirt once more, believing that tonight would be the key to a new beginning. Taking a deep breath, she started walking towards the dark street where the house she was heading to stood. Excitement bubbled inside her because tonight, she would belong to the man she loved, marking the first steps towards marriage. When she finally saw the lights of the luxurious mansion ahead, she quickened her pace. This house she had dreamed of for years would be hers tonight, and she would spend a lifetime of happiness with the man she loved. With the courage that came from knowing she was about to open the doors to a future of wealth and happiness, she took a deep breath, rang the doorbell a few times, and impatiently waited for the door to open, her face betraying her eagerness.
A few seconds later, the blue-eyed man who opened the door admired her and, with one hand, reached out, almost pulling her inside. The beautiful young woman was unaware of some things she could not even imagine, for she had made it her duty to sleep with him because of the wealth her family and close circle valued more than anything else, believing that happiness could only come through wealth. One of the most important reasons for her decision was that this blue-eyed man had said a few days ago, "He couldn't trust her completely, but there was only one way for her to trust him, and that was for her to belong to him completely." Tonight, everything was unfolding slowly, just as that man had wanted. Soon, he was impatiently waiting for the seconds to pass, wanting to live out many scenes and positions he had imagined with this beautiful young woman, hoping that this union would last until morning and never end.
Ceyda Doğa felt proud of the partnership she would have with his wealth,but she also sensed some changes in the rich man in front of her. When theblue-eyed man started walking towards Ceyda with a devilish smile on his lips,this young woman said in a timid voice, "Ender! You don't look welltonight." The imposing man in front of her, thinking there was no need torespond, locked his eyes onto Ceyda's dark brown eyes, which were like the wetsurface of fertile soil just touched by raindrops. He locked his hands aroundher neck heavily, started to squeeze lightly, and after embracing her andbringing her scent to his lungs, he began to place possessive kisses on herneck.
Despite Ender starting with impatience, Ceyda felt happy and moaned withpleasure. "Today will be a very different night for both of us, and youwill belong to me with all that you are. One of the important achievements Iwill have in my life will happen right now, and believe me, tonight will be abeautiful beginning for both of us." The magnificent scents of paradisemingled with the smells of hell, and the voices of both sides approached eachother with an impatient tone. Paradise, unable to think of anything because ofthe intense emotions felt by the body in human form, was willing to break everyrule with a low voice. "I am about to reach you and everything you have.You have no idea how much I want every particle to reach me and how much I wantits warmth to roam inside me, my love." She murmured because deep down,she preferred to cruelly deceive her mind and feelings by saying, "I will finally reach my prince.".
Ender stripped off his clothes, revealing his muscular and smooth bodybefore the young woman. Ceyda's brown eyes, shining in the dim light, lockedonto his chest, and she mercilessly scratched the right side of his chest withher nails. As her eyes locked onto the blue eyes of the man she loved, shebegan to feel afraid because Ender's pupils were larger, and his expression wasmore serious.
Despite this appearance, she clenched her fists and, from behindher hair falling over her eyes, deep down she thought that this night shouldnot end. Sometimes she thought that love was truly a lie and that in thisworld, one needed to seize real power with money. She had turned to this pathto halt her past, her lovers, and her enemies who had made her life a livinghell out of hatred, and she no longer felt regret, but every passing second,paradise became a slave to hell in the dark realm, erasing the beauty of theair and earth from the earth.
These thoughts attacked Ceyda's mind, while hermoans echoed in the room, but in her mind, many scenes were unfolding, and herbody was pushing herself into the fire of hell as if she were pushing herselfinto the fire with her own hands. Throughout her life, there had been someonewho loved her more than herself. While Toprak Yıldırım wanted to be the sourceand beginning of her life, she was now in the arms of another man, feeling likea fortune hunter herself.
Dark red blood was slowly dripping onto the whitesheet, and paradise was seemingly experiencing its own apocalypse, surroundedby beauty turned to fire. The throne that paradise had ruled for years was nowcrumbling because its owner had locked himself in a dark room, and the youngwoman he loved was now in the arms of another. These events were the greatestevent that could end paradise's reign, and now everywhere was beginning to beplundered. Hell, on the other hand, was now starting the celebrations of a new victory.
I wasn't even aware of how long I had locked myself in this dark room. Months had passed since I graduated from school, and I was spending my days in this pitch-black room. When I felt like a slave to loneliness, I wondered, why wasn't I happy like other people? Why didn't anyone love me? In these unanswered questions that I had turned into a routine, there was something missing that I had never felt a lack of. It was my yellow-filtered cigarette, which I wouldn't change for anything. I was spending most of the money my father deposited into my bank account on cigarettes and antidepressants due to the psychological disorder I suffered from, but despite my thoughts and feelings of resigning from life, I never broke my indifferent stance because I knew that this man, who dedicated himself to the pitch-black darkness, had nothing and therefore had nothing to lose.
I hated every person except for the people I loved because I thought they didn't deserve many of the things they had. I wanted to be happy like other people and spend each day in different nightclubs like wealthy people, to get rid of my past even a little bit. Because during this long period when I was a slave to the pitch-black darkness, Ceyda Doğa, whom I loved even to the point of blind passion, always belittled me and erased my love for the wealth of the people I wanted to be. I had forgotten, there wasn't even a true friend in my life.
That's why my life was very ordinary and simple because sometimes I would sip my whiskey, which I opened and saw the end of by myself, and I would take pleasure in the pain I suffered from the past. Looking at the ceiling for hours and thinking about her was among my most ordinary behaviors, and even though I hadn't seen her alive for months, I could imagine her beside me. I was thinking about the past, once among the most loved and respected men in the gatherings I entered without hesitation, now I was no different from a ruined ruin. Despite burning in the fire, I never gave up dreaming of heaven.
I quickly got out of bed and took a deep breath, murmuring to myself, "You should no longer obsess over things and suffer, because perhaps because of this lifestyle, you have destroyed many beautiful things with your own hands." Although I sometimes tried to deceive myself, Ceyda was wandering in the rooms of my mind every night because for six years I had loved her unconditionally, to the point of worship, but she had never responded to these realistic and unhealthy feelings of mine. She had wrecked my life with her eyes, reminiscent of muddy soil. Now I was thinking, when I first started to feel realistic feelings for her, I was much younger and maybe those were the times when I laughed and had fun the most. I remembered telling the pavements every morning about her beauty.
She, on the other hand, thinking that my love was just an obsession, had told her girlfriends that she was serious about me in her fleeting relationships with other arrogant men. In the early years, I had never thought she could be like that. I used to wait for her to come out of the complex for a long time and would start counting each step she took with joy when she did, but one day, right in front of my eyes, I saw her meeting another boyfriend across the pavement stone I had waited for hours, and at that moment, I couldn't move from where I was, suddenly feeling a pang in my heart. My calloused hands, although they never touched her delicate and beautiful hand, had learned that she was with wealthy arrogant men. When I learned what I didn't know about her, drops of blood splattered in my brain because I was captivated by her eyes, and I had seriously aimed for marriage before. Although my family told me to forget about her, I had promised myself that I would keep her alive in the rooms of my mind, and since the moment I first saw her, I had promised myself that I would move forward with an irrevocable love until the end.
I had accepted becoming like this due to pessimistic thoughts from not being able to forget her, and I had turned into a state no different from a ruined ruin. The biggest mistake of my twenty-five-year past had been loving her the moment I first saw her. A moment ago, a tear that trickled down my cheek from my right eye was enough to bring back the pains she had caused in the past, because the moments when I waited by the window for hours just to see her once that day, during the most beautiful times of my youth, appeared before my eyes. I used to prepare early in the morning just like her and, being a cigarette addict, I would hide behind the balcony wall in a way that she wouldn't notice and wait for hours for her to come.
I picked up the steel-plated ballpoint pen and started turning it, refocusing on my pessimistic thoughts that could even add happiness to my pain. I used to be an angel like the devil, but years passed, and I took the devil's position in this world due to my ambition and my inability to swallow humiliation. After lighting my cigarette and taking a few drags, I started looking out the window at the surrounding complexes and the city view that was somewhat visible. I wanted to start a life where I would give my life to find a single question and its answer. I had to either turn the lives of those who took my heaven away from me into hell or listen to their death screams as I destroyed that heaven.
When I imagined the days I waited for her in my mind, I would smirk and smile mockingly. She would pass in front of our complex with slow steps, not even saying good morning when she saw me, just staring blankly and continuing to walk, but sometimes, because of my protective personality, I would appear behind her and watch her and her surroundings carefully from a distance until the school bus arrived. Now, thanks to the tears trickling from my eyes focused on the ceiling of my room, I understood even better that what I had done for six years was actually pointless, because I realized that I had given my heart to a person who was not worth it, and I knew that loving such a pessimistic and cursed man as me could never be true even in my dreams.
Ceyda, while tracing her fingertips over the man she loved, occasionallypressed her hand firmly on the bed, causing the creaking sounds to be heardfrom outside. A new person was emerging from the ground to seize Hell. Thatnight, Heaven had been plundered, and there was little time left for someonedreaming of Hell to wake up. All rules had been broken, and those who did notcomply with these rules were imprisoned in a deep pit. After a short while,Ceyda, who was moaning with victory, leaned towards the man she loved and beganto draw circles on his chest with her fingertips. Ender, on the other hand,stared at the ceiling with tired eyes, replaying the beauty and experiences ofthe night in his mind. He had become very silent after his father's recent deathand had started using chemical substances, but tonight he felt stronger andhappier than ever before.
After a while, memories of the past began to come tolife in Ceyda's mind. She was preoccupied with the rooms of her mind, wonderingwhat Toprak, whom she had not seen for months, was doing and trying tovisualize what he was doing with regret. This question was defeating her onceagain with the answers she could not obtain, but now she felt she had to dosomething to extinguish the fire inside her. This night had to end sweetly, andshe had to make the man lying next to her think like her to make her futureplans come true as she had dreamed. She grasped Ender's hair and focused on hiseyes for a while, whispering that she loved him to make him believe in herlove. While she thought that what she was doing was nonsense, she was alsocreating barriers on the walls of her mind, convincing herself that this nighthad happened because her free spirit wanted to experience this scene, and shewas pushing away the thought that these thoughts would create a wreckage in thefuture and focusing only on this night. Her life had actually unfoldedaccording to her desires, and she had no regrets for what she had done, butEnder's behavior tonight and his hurting her were causing a huge question markto settle in the depths of her mind.
With heavy steps, I moved away from the misty window overlooking the city and took a cigarette from the pack on my desk, lighting it up with anger and inhaling deeply into my lungs. I used to advise my friends, saying no one can imagine the taste of pain they haven't experienced, but now as I replayed my past in my mind, I felt like I was reliving many things and realizing once again that I was burning out like the cigarette I would extinguish soon, because now I knew many pains that others didn't know or feel. Despite being quite young, I could feel the exhaustion and the near-defeatist thoughts that a bedridden elderly person feels, because I knew I was in a shattered spiritual state due to many reasons caused by my unrequited love.
My family, who always supported me, had told me that they named me Toprak because they thought I would instill hope like a newly bloomed sapling in the worst times. Back then, they had decided on this name, but many of the thoughts were not fair. I, too, had failed in the thoughts devoid of justice. I had never been given the chance to be a good and strong man, and that's why I was known as a bad man by everyone. Even the young woman I worshipped had not let me hold her hand, thinking I was a bad person, and had started sharing everything with the people she deemed suitable for herself. It was as if I were a dead body trapped in this darkness, and after serving my sentence, I desired to be free. Although the thoughts coming from the depths of my brain repeated that I was sentenced to life imprisonment, I resisted, longing to somehow escape this hell and restore my smiles as they used to be.
From the day I first met Ceyda, throughout this whole six years thateven my family knew little about, there were only two witnesses to what I hadexperienced: the devil who did not withhold his friendship from me, and thecigarette I had extinguished a short while ago. I opened the locked chest whereI kept memories of her face and the pain I felt for loving her, and when Ilooked at her photos, I felt her beauty that had once again impressed me deeplyin my heart, because with the photos she took in beautiful and magnificentplaces, just like in my dreams, she had highlighted her beauty in a way thatwas truly remarkable.
With a sigh of hopelessness, I began to mutter to myself.If I had the chance to be wealthy like the men she liked and have the chance toreach everything, maybe we would have already exchanged rings, but I hadunderstood long ago that such a chance had been forbidden to me by God. Infact, the real reason I burned like hellfire was that with each step I tooktowards her, she moved further away from me. Tonight, I felt a difference inmyself because despite taking my medication on time, I felt a pain in my heart,and in my ears, it was as if Ceyda's cries for help were echoing.
I clenchedboth my hands into fists and pressed them against the sides of my head, thenreleased them and started to squeeze with my fingers. I didn't want to hearthese sounds because they really hurt me. I could feel that something washappening or she was in pain right now, but I didn't even know where she was. Iquickly got up and paced around my room with my hands and arms tied, imaginingthe best and worst scenes that could happen to Ceyda tonight in the dark alleysof my mind. She might have had an argument with a close friend, or she might becrying because of her emotional nature, but the thought that if she had beenwith a man and that man was forcing her to do things she didn't want to do suddenlymade me angry, and I clenched the glass tightly in my hand and slammed it hardon the table.
Ender, playing with Ceyda's hairas he lay next to her, was thinking about how to get rid of this girl as soonas possible. Ceyda, on the other hand, was watching his blue eyes intently,taking deep breaths. After a short while, she got up, took Ender's hands,kissed his upper lip, and then crazily giggled, indicating the bathroom to himwith a raised eyebrow. Ender, without showing his insincerity, got up with aslight smile and started following her. He felt physically and mentallyexhausted because he couldn't share this fortune left after his father's deathwith anyone except his brother. As his messy hair touched his forehead, hisdirty beard looked very handsome in the mirror because Ceyda couldn't take hereyes off him tonight.
While Ender watched her body with his mouth watering, sheadjusted the water temperature and filled the tub with foam. Ender quickly tookCeyda in his arms and sat her in the tub, then began to kiss her. At thatmoment, the lights in the bathroom went out, and the light from the candlesreflected on the ceiling and their foam-covered bodies. When Ceyda, focusing onEnder's eyes, softened her voice and said with a worried tone, "If youweren't here, I would scream for help out of fear." Then she laughed andhugged him tighter. Ender, narrowing his eyes thoughtfully, asked in a muffledvoice, "A true story came to mind about this power outage. Do you want meto tell you?" When Ceyda nodded slightly, indicating yes, Ender, lookinginto her eyes resembling dark brown life, began to tell in a slow tone."Years ago, I overheard a conversation between my father and his friend ata business place we went to. When we got home, I asked about it out ofcuriosity and learned that it was a true story.
Now, do you really want me totell you?" When Ceyda laughed, saying, "You hesitated so much, itmust be a mysterious and very valuable experience," Ender, after laughingfor a short while, frowned and said in a serious tone, "I'm talking abouta young man who was spiritually and physically connected to each other. Theymet years ago in a bar just like we did. Then, although the man thought abouther, he didn't go to that bar and escaped from this beautiful girl who adornedhis dreams. The beautiful girl I'm talking about, however, went to that barevery day with her girlfriends just to see him and couldn't wait to see himagain, just like us. Months later, just like us, they met again one night inthat bar, and the man drove her home.
They no longer met in bars, but inrestaurants and tea gardens, where they shared their experiences with eachother. After a long time, these two passionate young people decided on aserious relationship, and one night, just like us, they squeezed all the beautyof the night into hours and entered the bathroom, and at that moment, theelectricity went out. My father, who constantly researched epics and truestories, asked him to explain the meaning of such an event and what happenedafterwards because I was curious. I don't really want to tell you the restbecause I don't think it's worth listening to." Ceyda, with a risingcurious tone, said, "The ending could be good or bad. I really want you totell me," and focused again on his blue eyes...
I clenched the remaining shardsof the shattered glass in my hand, fixing my gaze on Ceyda's photograph.Ignoring the small pieces in my palm, I clenched my hand into a fist again. Ibegan to watch the dark liquid flowing heavily. I felt that one day I wouldleave this dark room and then I would shed the blood of both her and the manshe loved. I shook my hand and scattered the pieces on the table, then walkedheavily towards the window. As the dark liquid touched the carpet, the sound itmade filled my ears. I looked out the window again, as I did before, and with afurious tone, I murmured, "My name is already Toprak, isn't it? Then sendme to the deepest soil to rot my body, at least I wouldn't suffer thismuch." Due to the weight of the medications I was taking, I was defeatedeven to speak, let alone breathe.
The worst part was that I couldn't bear tosee my family sad because of my negative experiences, because seeing them insuch a devastated state was undoubtedly tasting death while still alive. Accordingto my research, I had developed two psychological disorders. Even the merepresence of these two diseases in a person caused great dangers becauserecovery was very difficult. The end was to be able to return to life onceagain through the right therapy or to commit suicide early and go to hell.Thanks to an ability caused by my thoughts, I could feel what was happening,and now, most likely, I guessed that something had happened to Ceyda, thanks tothe screams I heard in my ear, but I didn't know where she was. If I somehowlearned, I would leave this great darkness behind and run to her, but I hadn'tknown anything about her for months. As my old friends' numbers had changed, myways of obtaining information had completely closed off.
I was very lonely in this darkness. I saw myself as a man who had losteverything and had no strength to win. I was only enjoying suffering, and nomatter what I did, I thought I couldn't be happy. I woke up with Ceyda's dreamand slept with her dream, and sometimes, just because I was so bored, I wouldtake something out of the mini alcohol cabinet and drink it. I didn't take careof myself as before, I even cut my hair myself. My dirty beard had grown toomuch. I couldn't find the strength to pity even myself. If I had appearedbefore Ceyda in this way, she might not have recognized me because I hadundergone such a change over the months. I had lost a lot of weight, the darkcircles under my eyes had deepened, and I could easily feel that my muscular bodywas not as resilient as it used to be when I touched my shoulders and chest.
Ihad been tired of wandering around the house in tracksuits for months, butthere was little I could do now. I had closed my social media accounts one byone, and I couldn't even spend time with the phone I bought before thesesituations happened. Therefore, I didn't want to reach out to my old friends,and I couldn't obtain any information because Ceyda's accounts were private. Ihad thrown myself into the dust among the yellow leaves of the old books in mybookcase.
If someone from outside had told these experiences of mine, theywouldn't believe or they would argue that they were more attached with agreater love. My family and very close friends sometimes wanted to know why I hatedpeople, but I always avoided answering because I was as sure as my thoughtsthat they were like other people. For some reason, everyone chose someone elseas a target and declared themselves a god in environments. Therefore, I thoughtof sticking to this pitch-black darkness and getting rid of millions of peoplewho thought themselves gods.
Ender, after a slight smile, in a serious tone, said, "After the power outage, a new demon was born from the ground, possessing all the beauties of heaven and beyond that, which were forbidden for the demon to use, all given to this new demon. Although this demon, which can burn everything with revenge and ambition, is currently very weak due to being in the ground for a while, I feel that it can come to the surface very soon. My late father told me that he could turn everyone who caused him to start life from scratch but also caused his life to be reset into the figure eight made of iron rods and burn them all. Without focusing too much on the last thing I mentioned, I seriously feel that a great disaster is coming. When my father told me about this before, I refused to believe it and even started to think that he was gnawing his brain, but what we experienced later was enough to make me regret not believing, because if I had believed, I could have helped my father take many precautions."
His voice seemed to be a bit more solemn. Ceyda approached a littlecloser and rubbed her hands on his dirty beard, then, with a confident tone,said, "Now, to tell the truth, the mystery of legends gives me chills, butI can't even consider the possibility of such a thing happening. Besides, evenif such a thing were true, my muscular boyfriend would burn all the evildoersand disappoint them." After saying this, she got out of the tub and thendried her body with a cotton towel. The heaven that God had adorned anddesigned for years had disappeared, leaving only dark red blood dripping ontothe heavenly square. Ender quickly got out of the tub, wrapped the towel aroundhis body, and then dried his hair, and then dressed in the combination he heldin his hands. He had to visit his brother and recheck the plans he had madeabout Ceyda because if what happened to his father happened to him, even thissurname could be a great danger in the future.
My heart was a raging inferno without cause, as I writhed in pain in this lightless room, while Ceyda, I presumed, was living in another realm of sleep on some cad's comfortable bed. I knew I was just an ordinary object to her in this life, but in my eyes, she was now the foremost of the heartless. Tonight was unlike other nights because I had begun to understand what I wanted to do. The angel I had nurtured and revered in my heart was not as beautiful and innocent as I had seen with my eyes; she was the lead of the shameless who sold her body for a few bills.
I had realized months ago that she was such a cheap person due to what I had learned and seen in the past, yet despite selling herself for money, I could not contain the boundaries of my heart, and the limit of the love I harbored inside me was expanding day by day. I could tell I was weary from the steps I had taken and the dark red blood drying in my palm. I wanted to escape from here now, but I couldn't find the strength to eliminate some obstacles. I took a cigarette from the pack, placed it between my lips heavily, and lit it, feeling her in the depths of my lungs with the smoke. Many people would consider the small things I possessed a source of gratitude for those in my situation, but I was burning like a match flame, desiring more and not wanting to extinguish again. As I quickly examined my clothes in the wardrobe, I remembered that I hadn't even worn many of my stylish clothes. I closed it hastily and began to pace the dark room heavily again. The moonlight was shining through my window, and the bloodshot, bruised appearance of my eyes in the mirror was a harbinger of the imminent horror.
The sun was slowlybeginning to rise over the new day now. In this time when night merged intoday, she was getting further away from me with each passing second. Yet, due tothe intense longing I felt for her, which would crack the veins, I once again scrutinizedher photos, first focusing on her eyes. However, the paradise I thought I sawin her eyes was actually nothing but the entrance gate of hell surrounded byfires.
When I delved into the depths of my heart, I saw that I was being hangedfor my sins one after another. I was walking into the darkness to be hangedwithout even knowing the reason, but when her eyes came to mind, I stillcouldn't give up on loving her. Who could have known? Perhaps I was living asif I were condemned to one of the greatest punishments that could befall aperson, but I loved the impossible, just like I loved this sky, and sometimes,despite wanting to forget her, I couldn't bring myself to forget her and tossthe lost years aside.
I couldn't forget the angel I had dreamed of as a hugeillusion, and perhaps every day, screaming countless times in the darkness,"God, when will you end this pain?" and seeking help from the demoninside me. Every day for months had passed with similar pains, but today wasdifferent because I was constantly turning left and right, and even if only fora few seconds, every time I closed my eyes, I saw a man touching her beautifulupper lip with his finger.
The thought that this scene I saw was happening nowwas driving me crazy. I knew how to be defeated and give up, but I also knewthat when I emerged from the darkness, I wouldn't have such a chance. I couldbe as I used to be, but I knew I could only get back on my feet in one way. Ihad to realize as soon as possible that my wrong thoughts were indeed wrong andwalk straight towards my goals despite these erroneous thoughts.
I was walking in a dark alley, among dilapidated ruins, not knowing where I was. My heart trembled in this darkness because I was alone, but I understood where I was going from the stars in the sky guiding me. It was a very different place because there were only stars in the sky. No sound came from any house, and I couldn't see anyone in this vast darkness, but for some reason, I was emitting small lights with each step I took. Because I was walking barefoot, blood had accumulated on my heels, and among the gravel, words were hidden. I held my breath and was afraid to look back, but now I was walking faster to get away from here and reach the light.
After taking a step hard, I felt my heel numb, and when I looked down, I heard a terrifying scream coming from nearby. Now, I was walking on tiptoes, constantly looking around. When I turned around in fear of a crackling sound coming from behind me, I found myself on the ground, unable to distinguish the faces of three people in the darkness. These three people, lined up from smallest to tallest, had something in common. When I carefully examined it, I saw a trapped person and a pyramid-shaped eye on him, which was terrifyingly unreal because he was breathing, and his blood was flowing heavily towards the ground. When there was very little distance between us, they stopped, and the smallest one pulled his hand out of the black veil and raised it slightly towards his head, then quickly pulled the veil off and threw it to the ground. No, this couldn't be! It was the child of the earth, and his cheeks were as red as apples.
I was cursing at this painful fate I was experiencing after mypessimistic thoughts because I was writhing in indescribable pain. Yes, I knewwhat I was doing was not right, but because I couldn't separate my ambition andthis feeling of revenge from Ceyda, I was waging war against God because I feltthat this was the only way I could be strong. As these thoughts echoed in thechambers of my mind with screams, I fell asleep shortly after. After about afew hours of sleep, when I woke up again, I was drenched in cold sweat, justlike when I woke up after the bad nightmares I had every night.
I sat upslightly in bed and cruelly lit a cigarette between my lips. I was reviving mydesire for revenge with the cigarette smoke that found its place deep in mylungs. It was very difficult for a person who thought they had lost everythingin this life to reconnect and smile again, but there was nothing that thestrong ones couldn't achieve. I approached my bookshelf where my thick bookswere and took a book with a black leather cover in my hand, starting to readthe lines about revenge with my lips.
I felt that I had only one chance left;either I would learn to live again and continue my path without falling apart,or I would watch Ceyda meet a different man every day and collapse there. Iknew I had nothing to lose, but I also felt that they had things to lose thatthey were afraid of losing. I had to start from where I left off in life andcreate a new identity through my work. I had to become emotionless now, learn togamble and act like the rich. I shouldn't fall for anyone's games like in myold life, and I should be the one to start the game. I couldn't be loyal toanyone, I couldn't take orders from anyone, but I would take lives at the end of this game.
"I remember you, Ceyda. Do you remember me? The boy who swore to love you the moment he first saw you, the boy you killed with sharp knives just because he loved only you. Do you remember him?" I couldn't believe it because seeing such a thing couldn't be real. Anxiously, I said, "What are you talking about? I have never harmed you. Did I kill you just because I didn't love you? Tell me, did I kill you because of the decision I made with my own will?"
With a furious tone I had never witnessed before in my life, she said, "You belittled me because of those snobs you loved, you mocked me when you met your friends. But do you know what's most important? You know how I looked at you even though I knew what you did? I couldn't even call you a bitch. I was stupid because I kept loving you. But answer me! How can you be such a cheap person?" I saw a few tears running down her eyes and she sobbed, "I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want to give you hope because I didn't want to make you sad."
She lowered her head slightly and with a mocking expression, locked her eyes on mine and said, "Do you know who these people next to me are?" Trembling, I stood up and took a step back, saying, "I don't want to know who they are. Damn it, I just want to wake up from this dream." I started screaming. With one of her tiny hands, she grabbed my chin and with the other, she uncovered the face of the person next to her, and suddenly disappeared. There was the soil I left behind in a street months ago, and its beauty was heartbreaking. Despite squinting and clenching her teeth, she looked dazzling even in pain.
I took one last drag from my cigarette and extinguished it in the patterned ashtray by the window, then walked out of the room with heavy steps. After a short shower, I entered the corridor, where the sound of a heated argument echoed. It was clear that this argument had a significant reason behind it, as it had made me hurry out of the shower. Without even bothering to fix my hair, I quickly made my way towards the living room, where the voices were coming from. With each step, a pain spread in my chest, but it didn't slow me down. As I entered the room, I saw my parents sitting across from each other on the couches, arguing loudly but with a sense of sadness. It was evident that the argument was about my future, and as I approached, I understood the gravity of the situation. Bowing my head slightly, I realized how much their arguments were affecting me because of the cursed person I had become.
With the anger fueled by these thoughts, I shouted, "Can someone please explain to me what this argument is about? Come on, what are you waiting for, tell me!" I was in a very difficult situation, and I had even lost the ability to see the truth. They first looked at each other in astonishment, then locked eyes with me. Their expressions showed genuine surprise, but I couldn't understand why they were so shocked. Frowning, I demanded an answer. "If I asked you a question, you have to tell me the answer, no matter what. I'm waiting for you to explain now," I said. I knew one thing very well: I was on the verge of losing my patience. "If we're not running away, then tell me now," I added firmly.
I didn't know why, but my personality, which had been developing since childhood, was always based on stubbornness and seriousness. If I had appeared before my family after months, there had to be a reason and unanswered questions that needed to be addressed.
Toprak opened his eyes, he didn't speak. For a short while, he justfocused on my eyes with a gaze that deeply pierced me. I felt a few drops oftears trickle down my ice-cold cheeks, and with a tone of sadness, I said,"You haven't changed at all. I don't know how to put it, but you're asbeautiful and full of pain as I left you in that dark street. Where have youbeen all these months? I tried to ask your father many times, but he just bowedhis head in sorrow and walked away as if he were dead. He didn't even turn tolook at me." I was sure he had been sleepless because his eyes werebloodshot, but there were other differences that caught my attention.Underneath his mocking smile was an expression of resignation that seemed tocover his face and smiles.
I remembered that he was not at all like thisbefore, but now the Toprak standing before me had completely forgotten how tolaugh. He began to cough as if his lungs were rotting, then took a step closerto me and ran his fingers through my hair. "Do you know when I died?"he asked. Feeling more pain in my body than I did during my menstrual periods,I let myself fall to the ground and, in a pained tone, replied,"When?" I preferred to answer his question with a question. He waswearing a long-sleeved black turtleneck and a black coat, and he looked just ashandsome as he did months ago. He tilted his head slightly towards the sky andsaid with a smile, "I died when I saw the blood accumulating in the bed ofthe rich man you slept with tonight." His eyes locked onto mine, hismelting muscular body reappeared, and his voice hardened to a degree I couldn'timagine. I could hear the sounds of his teeth grinding because they werebreaking me into pieces, just like a thin stick snapping.
My mother said, "If we had a really big argument, do you think wewouldn't tell you? You are the greatest treasure we have in this world. You areour pride and joy." To avoid further distressing them during thesedifficult times, I forced a smile and said, "Alright, but as I said,there's no escape! The way you look at me, it's as if you're looking for a wayto escape, but as I said before, there's no escape! This incident will be toldto me sooner or later!" My brain was throbbing, so I sat on one of the singlechairs and started massaging my head.My mother and father had left my side andgone to the kitchen. Curiously, I lifted my head slightly and began to examinemy surroundings, and then I inexplicably started to laugh because this room wasexactly the same as it was months ago, and not a single item had moved.
Igently opened the curtain and started to look at the street. From the moment Ifirst saw Ceyda, I would wait for her to come from this window, and until shepassed by this street, I would light my cigarette, sip my coffee, and watch thechildren playing in the street, finding joy in it. Now even the children weresilent because without Ceyda, this street had lost its cheerfulness. I thoughtabout how during my last years of high school, they had gone on vacation to arelative's house, and no child had come out into the street until the day shereturned. Was it because of my sick thoughts? Or was it a scenario created bymy dark mind? I didn't know, but even a little, back then, it was alive in mymind. The sun was even more dazzling now because like me, it had given up and,unable to see Ceyda, had chosen to burn itself with its own fire.
I focused on Toprak's deep brown eyes again and asked, "So, who is the person next to you?" This time, he laughed in a way that would even make the skies jealous and then said in a cheerful tone, "Do you really want to know about him? Do you really want to see him?" Due to my long-standing curiosity, my clumsiness and troubles had increased, but I hadn't given up. With a determined tone, I said, "Yes, I want to see him." Toprak clapped his hands together and locked his eyes with mine, his lips forming a mocking expression.
After a short silence, he furrowed his brows and said again in a serious tone, "I can only show you his eyes to satisfy your curiosity." He took out the black knife tucked into his belt and stood in front of the shadow, cutting through the black cloth that covered eye level. He asked me to close my eyes, took my hands and helped me up, but even if he asked me to open them, I didn't think I could. Disregarding my fears, I lifted my head and said in a determined voice, "I can see him now." Toprak let go of my hands and stepped back a few steps, pressing his fingers together and speaking in a deep voice, "It's time to satisfy your curiosity." I could feel his breath because I was very close to him, but it was as hot as hell. When I opened my eyes, I saw every scene of the night I spent with Ender, and then when I saw his eyes turn to fire, I screamed in terror. They were the eyes of a demon never seen in this world, only told in legends. They were the terrifying eyes of an evil emperor who was said to be born in Egypt and ruled, eyes filled with blood and fire, born with revenge and ambition, starting with nothing and eventually having everything, an emperor's eyes filled with blood and fire.