Author's Notes: One more chapter left after this. If you follow me on tiktok, you probably have an idea of what is coming this chapter...
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Eddie watched Buck even more carefully after the call was done. He watched the plastered-on smile and the distracted conversations. Bobby had put a hand on Buck's shoulder, looked deep into his eyes, and asked 'you okay, kid?', but beyond that and a gentle squeeze on the arm from Hen, no one questioned him. They knew it had to be Buck's decision to open up about what had happened. They also knew that, now Eddie had his head out of his ass, he would be with Buck through every step of it. Including being woken up at three o'clock in the morning to a sleep-disturbed Buck.
It was the aggravated moaning that pulled Eddie from his sleep, and he was moving without even thinking, the actions so instinctual, propping himself up and placing a gentle hand on Buck's cheek as he looked down at the creases twisting up Buck's face. It was far from the first time he had woken up to Buck having a nightmare. They had happened less and less the longer they were together, as if Buck's subconscious found safety in simply being beside Eddie. So, it wasn't the first nightmare he had comforted Buck through, but it was the first one since Buck had returned to him.
"It's okay, Buck," he said gently, his thumb lightly running over Buck's birthmark. "I'm here."
But Buck's breathing didn't calm, if anything it quickened until his eyes shot open and a single name tumbled out over his lips on a desperate plea. "Christopher..."
Eddie swallowed hard at that, the weight of the memory pushing in on him. Between this and the panic attack earlier near the water, Eddie didn't need to ask what the nightmare was about. He already knew.
"You're safe, Buck," he said softly, trying to catch Buck's eyes as they frantically searched the darkness. "You're awake now and we're home."
Buck finally met his gaze, panic written clearly in the lines of his face, and he pushed himself up a little, as if trying to decide whether or not he should be moving. "Christopher..." he repeated.
"Is fine," Eddie finished for him, his hand moving to Buck's bare chest, Buck's skin sticky with sweat, his heart beating so hard that Eddie could feel it easily. "We can go and see him if you want, but he is safe. We're safe."
Buck settled a little at that, his shoulders falling as he let go of a breath. He let his head fall back against the wall and gazed up at the ceiling. "I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Buck," Eddie soothed, adjusting himself so he was beside Buck and gently raising his arm, a silent invitation for Buck to lay his head against Eddie's chest. He was glad when Buck did just that, and pulled him closer, resting his own head against Buck's.
They stayed like that for a while, until Buck's breathing had returned to normal and Eddie could feel the tension leaving the younger man. After that, he gave it another few moments before speaking.
"It was the water, wasn't it?" he asked.
"Mmhmm," Buck answered, nodding his head a little. "I was drowning, and I was... I was trying to find Christopher. I thought that being back here, the dreams would stop. Dr Trent said it was probably a metaphor, my mind searching for my old life."
"Sounds more like a memory to me," Eddie said, soft and slow, tightening his hold on Buck ever so slightly when he felt the younger man jerk in reaction to his words, breath hitching once more.
"What?"
"There was a tsunami, and you and Chris were at the pier when it happened." He stroked his fingers across Buck's arm in an attempt to keep him calm, but with the way Buck was shifting, it didn't seem to be working. "You got separated."
"I lost him..." Buck breathed out, pulling away and staring at Eddie with that familiar self-animosity in his eyes that Eddie hated.
Eddie shook his head. "No. You kept him safe. You were his hero that day, and every day since."
Buck's gaze fell, eyes darting back and forth, fingers fidgeting, and Eddie grabbed hold of his hand in an attempt to ground him before he could pull away and spiral too far. He wrapped his other hand around the back of Buck's neck and brought their foreheads together, keeping his breathing steady in the hopes Buck would automatically mimic it.
"I never blamed you, and neither did Chris, because it wasn't your fault." He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. "None of it was your fault, but I don't think you ever truly forgave yourself. I don't think you were ever given the chance to deal with what happened to you."
Looking at Buck once more and moving his head back slightly, Eddie's hand moved to Buck's cheek, his eyes lingering on the faint scars that had long since healed, but were still there, if you knew where to look. He ran the pad of his thumb across them, remembering the blood and dirt so clearly, those blue eyes red from crying and pure exhaustion. And Buck hadn't cared, only focused on finding Christopher, his voice breaking along with his heart.
"You carry so much, Buck," Eddie continued, "and you push it down. You spend so much time trying to make sure that everyone else is okay that you forget to take care of yourself. You forget that you matter too."
Buck huffed out, folding in on himself, and Eddie couldn't help but think how young and small and vulnerable he looked, shadowed by all that self-doubt. "How am I supposed to get back to being a firefighter if I freeze up around water? How am I supposed to get back to being me?"
"Hey, hey," Eddie answered with a shake of his head, forcing Buck to look at him, "you're Buck. No matter what, that is who you are. The rest will fall into place because part of being Buck means you never give up, and I'll be right here with you, every step of the way."
-.-.-.-
Every step of the way meant regular trips to bodies of water. Which Buck thought was ridiculous when Dr Trent suggested it. Exposure therapy or some nonsense like that. They started with calm waters, before finally ending up at the pier several weeks later. The first time, Buck had felt unsteady, and they weren't even near the water yet. But Eddie was there, grounding him and reminding him to breath, to take it easy, and reminding him that it's okay to take it slow.
On their third visit to the pier, they came to a rest at the railings, overlooking the sea. Buck leaned on them, allowing his gaze to wander over the waters. This, this was fine. He was good with this, and he could manage this, but as he heard a splash from nearby as a child dropped their toy into the water, he felt his throat tighten. The idea of jumping into the water had his heart racing and his lungs already burning from the thought of losing oxygen, his mind keen to remind him of the nightmares and the way the water dragged him down.
"Here," Eddie said, nudging him lightly and pulling Buck's attention away from the sea and toward those dark brown eyes instead. They twinkled at him, Eddie's smile looking bashful as he held out a small rectangular box no bigger than a house key.
Buck frowned and took the box, the velvet texture soft against his skin. Eddie waited until he started to open it before explaining further.
"Bobby's been pulling a few strings, calling in some favours," Eddie said. "He's hoping to have you reinstated by next week. You've been putting in the work and being a firefighter, it's as natural to you as breathing is to most. It's who you are."
A golden pin stared up at him from the box, the name BUCKLEY written across it. "Is this...?"
"Your name badge," Eddie confirmed. "So, you can officially be part of the 118 again, and not just a mascot we keep around for good luck."
He tried to play mock hurt at the comment, but the smile on his face was too big. "I'm going to be a firefighter again..."
It was meant to be a statement, but it came out more as a question, and Eddie placed his hand against Buck's cheek, his own smile bright. Buck took the opportunity immediately, slipping the box away in his jacket before pulling Eddie close and kissing him.
"I love you," he breathed against Eddie's lips when he finally pulled back, eyes still closed, enjoying the moment.
"I love you, too," Eddie answered, kissing him again, gentle and short.
But whatever he had been about to say next was drowned out by screams and cries, and a splash of water that was far louder than the one made by the toy the child had dropped. They both turned immediately, catching sight of a small crowd of people gathering further down the pier. Their bodies moved automatically, running toward the commotion, Eddie barking questions and orders to the onlookers.
A car had spun out of control and crashed through the railings, and as Buck pushed forward, he could see how far the car had already sunk into the water. Before he could do anything, Eddie placed a hand on his arm, pulling him back as he shook off his jacket at the same time.
"Wait here," he instructed, eyes imploring, before he did exactly what Buck would expect from Eddie and dove into the waters.
And as Buck heard the whispers of a child in the backseat, he did exactly what Eddie should have expected of Buck, and ignored him.
Coat discarded on top of Eddie's, he stared into the water, heart already hammering. One breath. Two breaths.
And he jumped.
He fought against the water and dove further down until he reached Eddie and the car, earning himself a glare from Eddie as Eddie pulled a woman free from the front seat. But Buck motioned to the backseat and Eddie looked, understanding entering his eyes and he cleared a path for Buck to manoeuvre into the car toward the child as he took the woman to the surface. By the time Buck had freed the child and was guiding him out of the car, Eddie was back, helping the child out the rest of the way and swimming him up towards the surface. All that was left was for Buck to follow.
He made to kick free of the car, but his foot caught, dragging him back.
A small bubble of air escaped his mouth and he tried to calm himself, tried to stop the panic from seeping in. Turning as best as he could, he tried to reach for his foot, tried to pry the belt free that had wrapped around his ankle. It refused to budge, growing tighter as he struggled.
His lungs screamed at him, needing oxygen, needing freedom from the water, holding his breath becoming harder and harder as his head spun and for a second, he found himself with that familiar feeling of water dragging him along, the imagined sound of the rushing water deafening in his ears. But it wasn't just that, it was the pain in his side he could feel. He tried to push it away, tried to focus on the now and escaping, but the darkness was already seeping in around his vision.
He wanted to scream for Eddie, wanted to feel Eddie's hands pulling him to safety, but Eddie was up there, at the surface, making sure the child was safe.
Forcing back his bodies desire to take a breath, he pushed once more, grabbing at the seatbelt and tugging at it over and over until finally, it released him. But even as the relief washed over him, he already knew it was too late. He could already feel his limbs growing heavier and heavier, feel the darkness taking hold and pulling him down into a different type of oblivion.
-.-.-.-
Eddie cursed Buck for jumping into the water after him, cursed him for his inability to be a bystander, and he cursed him for the way he would push through anything to save a child. Grabbing the child from Buck, he gave a nod, a silent agreement to meet at the surface, and pushed up and through the water.
He should have checked the water around him, he knew that now, but he didn't. He should have known that with their luck, something would go wrong. But he wasn't supposed to believe in luck and curses, or any such thing that could be so cruel to take Buck away from him for a second time. As it was, it wasn't until he was able to hand the child over to an off-duty nurse that had arrived on the scene, that he finally had the chance to turn himself around and search the water for Buck.
But any elation or annoyance was quickly replaced by fear. He couldn't see Buck. Not even a ripple to suggest Buck was near the surface. No, he was not about to do this again. He couldn't. He could not lose Buck.
Even as his lungs screamed at him in protest, he took a deep breath and dived once more. His body complained with each movement, hating him with each second that passed by, but he didn't care, because each second that passed by was another second Buck had been underwater. He almost let out his breath when he caught sight of Buck, but forced himself to remain calm and grabbed at Buck, trying to ignore the anxiety, the small voice that told him he was too late.
Again.
He swam as hard as he could until he broke through the surface, dragging Buck up with him, but where Eddie took a deep and gulping breath, Buck was motionless in his arms, limp and heavy.
"Come on, Buck," he begged, as he dragged them both toward the pier. "Stay with me..."
He continued his small pleas, even though each word felt like razor blades in his throat, each breath of air like lava in his lungs, and he ignored the pain and the way his body ached, ignored the water weighing him down. Even once they were out of the water and he was checking for a pulse, he ignored his own exhaustion, the scrapes across his skin from the rough metal of the car, and the stinging in his eyes from salt water... not tears. Because it couldn't be tears. Because he wasn't losing Buck again, not this time.
His medic brain kicked in, a hollow feeling taking hold as if he was not himself, as if he was watching himself in a dream. His thoughts refused to fully form, the familiar actions of CPR the only thing he could truly focus on.
Check for obstruction, clear the airways.
One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five.
"Breathe, Buck, breathe."
One, two, three, four, five.
I love you.
One, two, three, four, five.
His mouth against Buck, forcing in air.
I love you, too.
Silence, stillness, despite all the chaos around. Despite the distant sirens that were still too far away.
One, two, three, four, five.
"Damn it, Buck, don't you dare... don't you dare leave me again."
One, two, three, four, five...
"I need you... Chris needs you."
Silence.
"Buck... please."
Another breath forced into Buck's lungs, and another, before his hands returned to Buck's chest.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
It was a Tuesday. Just a regular day.
It wasn't supposed to go like this.