(Sorry for a long Chapter again!!!)
While Jimin was busy in shower, Yoongi is standing against the window in the bedroom, in the now quiet atmosphere of the room.
The water running in the washroom is still hitting his ears and he doesn't feel lonely or hauntingly alone.
It's soothing, the mere presence is calming.
After all the breakdown, the knowledge that Jimin is here, feels enough.
It's feels like, heaven enough.
But the knowledge that Jimin once....
Nearly....
Decided...
That he has no life after.....
Oh god....
Yoongi rubs his face with his hands.
Is that why he was so desparate around that time....
Is that why he was...
Oh god....
It's deeper than Yoongi ever imagined it to be.
The words they spoke, the words he himself spoke or the words Jimin spoke just some minutes ago starts to settle inside him.
It's horrible that Jimin was still self destructive around the whole time, that he debated about his worth.
But was it possible for Yoongi to figure it out on his own???
Cause Jimin never told him before!
Never, for once!!!
But at the same time, Jimin did figured out his issues.
At the same time, Jimin knows Yoongi aspire to be perfect.
He knows he wants to be a perfect in everything.
Maybe in their relationship more than being the pillar behind Jimin, Yoongi aspired to be perfect.
Is that where every went wrong??
Is there where he started loosing Jimin??
It sucks how Jimin was there for him all through the time after they met, except the last some months.
How many days Yoongi came back to him, tired and exhausted and mostly emotionally spent. Jimin didn't questioned it.
He was a soothingly warm person, who healed him.
How much cold he was to the world, how much of a deadly assassin he was for people for Yoongi he was a soothing comfort where he came back again and again.
And most importantly Jimin was the one who helped him to find ways when Yoongi was falling into spirals of darkness or he felt aimless at times, that he has no purpose at all.
"Hey!!" Jimin asked while Yoongi is working at their dining and Jimin is resting in the living room.
He just came back from Palermo two days ago.
"Hmmm??" Yoongi responded to show he is listening, his eyes are still glued over some documents that are spread on the table.
Jimin sighed exasperatedly and walked towards the dining. He pulled a chair a bit too loudly to Yoongi's liking and sat on it.
"You are overworking again." He pointed out simply.
"Jimin, it's urgent!" Yoongi rolled his eyes.
"I did not say it's not urgent. I said you are overworking."
Yoongi shuts his file with a bit too much force looking away from Jimin.
He is not exactly fond of this conversation.
They had it before which ended up in a very bad way.
Jimin didn't wait for his response and spoke,
"Yoongi, you overworking isn't the solution to what you feel!!!
You need to work on that."
"You don't get what I feel.
It's complicated, Jimin." Yoongi responded pissed off.
But the way Jimin's face dropped, he knew he just slipped the wrong thing out of his mouth.
It wasn't right to say.
His own expression morphed into something soft. He opened his mouth to say something but now Jimin looks a bit angry. He raises his hands to stop him and speak,
"Care to tell what part you think I don't get??"
There is a frown etched on his now angry face.
"Jimin-"
"Do you think I don't get your obsessive work pattern where you think drowning yourself in work makes you escape all your thoughts?
Or do you think I don't get how you are getting obsessive over perfection and deadlines day by day?"
Yoongi knew from that expression that Jimin is not going to be merciful in his choice of words.
"Have you ever noticed how much you have started to drown yourself in work??? You literally didn't go to meet your family for weeks, Yoongi!! As if you are running away from them again???!!"
"Now don't spy on me." Yoongi got up from his seat, turning his back on Jimin & looking through the window with his arms folded.
What Jimin is saying is true. And he hates the fact that it is indeed true. Yoongi just doesn't want to face it now.
"I am not spying.
People care about you.
There are so many people care about you..."
"So I need to impress all of them??" Yoongi snaps as he asks bitterly.
"Who said you need to impress!????" Jimin snaps too,
"Oh my god!!!" Jimin sounded heavily frustrated.
"You just said -" Yoongi tries to make a point but..
"I said there are people who care about you.
They don't care if you are perfect or not. None of us care if you are perfect or not. They were worried but still they never interfered when you kept scratching your wound again and again, as if that's the solution of it!!!!
Stop trying to be perfect for everyone for once, Yoongi."
"Who told you I want to be perfect for people??for everyone??"
Yoongi turned to look at Jimin. He looked confused for a second.
"Cause why else-"
"Jimin, that's why I said you don't get it.
It's just me.
I am like this, Jimin. I just feel I am not enough, whatever I do it's not good enough. It's me......"
Jimin kept looking at him still in confusion as if he can't make sense of his words.
Suddenly it felt like they belong to two separate worlds.
Yoongi was exhausted and he knew Jimin was too.
There was a Silence, which was calm as well as chaotic.
There are things running in both of their minds and they are not just speaking them out loud.
"I think I am tired." Jimin announced suddenly tapping his fingers over the dining table,
"I think I am sleep deprived."
Yoongi nodded in understanding. It's better to drop the conversation.
"But before that I want to tell you something." And Jimin looked up to meet his eyes.
For a moment he looked pained,
"Slow down, Yoongi.
Overworking is not the way to perfection."
The words took Yoongi a little aback. He didn't think Jimin will support his supposed obsessive behaviour with being perfect.
"If you really...." Jimin took a deep breath, now getting up from the chair and pushing it to it's previous place,
"If you really want to be perfect, you need to be patient too."
But Yoongi doesn't know why, but his voice sounded so tired to him.
"If you really want to be perfect, you have to let go too and you have to welcome new things and strategies.
Start working on that.
If your old ways didn't make you perfect, there was a reason.
Try to think why and how, Yoongi."
Jimin didn't wait for Yoongi's response and went to their bedroom.
Yoongi denies to let go, if that means he has to let go of his siren.
He doesn't aspire to be perfect if that means he has to let go of Jimin.
Cause then perfection means nothing to him.
The thoughts that in the way to keep Jimin safe he could have potentially hurt the others is a borderline hauntingly horrible dream.
But there is one thing,
All the people he loves, Jimin loves them too.
Except himself, probably.
So maybe they are a team there, not a single person against the world.
And he guesses maybe them together can keep the others safe.
The thoughts are too much and Yoongi doesn't particularly want to sink in those now.
His head actually is starting to buzz and ache, the jet lag is hitting too and it's been a week long he has a proper sleep.
But a thought comes to his head, he nearly forgot to do one thing.
He takes out his phone and types a text to Hoseok.
Thanks.
The response came almost immediate.
So you met him.
Yeah.
Talk to him, I guess.
It's gonna be hard.
It is but yeah.
I am trying.
Hope things get better.
I wish too.
"So everyone is planning behind my back?"
Yoongi nearly jumped scared.
He need to bring back his habit of being around a freaking shadow again.
He nearly cursed at the other.
But Jimin is paying no attention to his response. He is looking at his phone, looking at the conversation intendly and with a serious expression.
So Yoongi locks his phone quickly,
"It's called invading privacy."
"Ohh?? Says who????" Jimin says now eyes narrowing at him.
"I don't invade your privacy!???"
"How much I really want to ask what is exactly going on but-" He shrugs a little,
"I am tired and my head is not working at all, so-"
Yoongi nods in response,
"Same.
I think we should talk about those with a clear head. Or else one of us will explode."
"And that's gonna be you!!!" Jimin retorts.
"I don't think so." Yoongi mumbles quietly.
He really doesn't think so. He is more worried about his reaction when he tell Jimin about their plan.
But maybe thanks to the Gods, the doorbell rings at that moment.
"Oh the Food!!"
As they settles quietly in the living with a pizza over the coffee table, Yoongi can't help the fuzzy feeling inside him.
It feels way more similar than it was back in Seoul.
After the hells he crossed, it feels like all the pains were worth it.
But there is one thing.
He would like Jimin back the way he was.
Not this tired soul.
Yoongi could see Jimin squirming a bit, fidgeting with his hands sitting next to him.
He still hasn't touched the food. Yoongi knows he wants to ask something. But he doesn't push it. So after some minutes Jimin asks himself,
"Yoongi, did you?
Did you really move on????"
He sounded small, unsure to Yoongi's ears and most importantly there is no confidence in those words as if he is highly scared.
Even vulnerable Yoongi has rarely seen Jimin to loose his confidence over something.
The question was a bit ridiculous at this point, like really.
Yoongi thinks either Jimin is not back in his senses or he is too deep into his insecurity nowadays.
But somehow the confusion and unsure look, the way he is looking at Yoongi makes him a little giddy.
It's wrong ....but he can't help it.
His siren eats his head way too much so if he gets a chance...
"Umm maybe..."
He takes a big bite from the slice of the pizza, chewing it as Jimin keeps looking at him with his round eyes, eyes that reminds Yoongi not of a siren but a person who is sunshine incarnated, the one who was innocent but fell into the wrong world, living in the wrong world.
His lips has been turned downwards, he is slightly pouting.
Yoongi knows it won't be great for himself if he points that out, but it's just so adorable to look at.
Why Jimin can't be like this all the time!!!!!!!
"Really??" Jimin asks.
Jimin thought a lot, if he should really ask the question.
It was him who chose it, it was him who moved away, pushed Yoongi away & also have hurt him deeply.
Does he deserves to ask this???
And most importantly what if the answer is yes!??
Is he ready to accept it in a good way??
Even though a part of him thinks it's just him overthinking.
But what if rumours aren't just rumours and what if he really did.
Can he really be civil and accept a yes???
Jimin feels his heart is starting to crack, and there is no one to blame except himself.
Even though maybe it's for better for both of them but still it's going to be harsh on himself.
Yoongi could see Jimin has nearly believed his lie but then he remembers that maybe it's the rumours that's making him acting this way.
And that makes Yoongi feel bad.
He doesn't know from when Jimin is questioning this.
It looks like life is draining out of him, something is breaking inside of him.
And that doesn't look well. So Yoongi doesn't torture him more,
"It probably would be great if I could but No, I didn't." Yoongi shrugs casually.
Jimin instantly frowns deeply, turning to face Yoongi properly,
"What do you mean???"
Jimin swears if Yoongi is trying to mess with him, he will kill him.
Yoongi takes another bite, now suddenly concentrated over the piece of pizza which looks real interesting.
He knows Jimin in nearly burning holes over his faces.
But he just finds it funny. He suppresses his grin while he somehow swallows the food.
After a moment of silence and torturing Jimin a little, he raises his left hand.
The back of his hand facing Jimin as he shows the ring on his finger,
"Obviously I didnt, you dumb."
If posible Jimin frowns more deeply,
"But I heard-"
"Jimin?? You know better than believing petty rumours and stuffs." This time Yoongi is serious and he also wants Jimin to understand that fact.
Jimin's head hangs low as he nods.
"Okay..I get it..." He whispers and take a slice of pizza, eating it slowly.
"And me and Jungkook are not fighting..." Yoongi clears up.
"Oh??" This time Jimin snaps his head up, his eyes wide in confusion, cheeks stuffed with food.
That again looks adorable. But his eyes, he wants more life in them. He wants them to come alive.
"It's just we needed to go along what people were expecting from us." Yoongi responds a bit vaguely.
And I may have killed people.
Jimin takes a moment as the words settle inside him. He nods again,
"I get it."
"I am in mood to talk about all those now.
It will fuck up my head more." Yoongi complains as he sighs deeply.
& Jimin laughs a bit.
It eases Yoongi more than he thought it would be.
"You removed those creepy lenses???" He asks instead.
"Oh!! Those were hurting my eyes." He shrugs.
Even though the exact reason wasn't that but Yoongi's request but Yoongi doesn't need to know.
"And when you are going black again???"
"Oh please, don't be such a demanding ass.
And I look pretty good in blonde.
And I don't need your opinion."
Yoongi just shakes his head in mock defeat.
A strained silence sits over them again which isn't uneasy more like usual but it's just there is a lot of things are hanging unsaid between them.
They have nearly devoured the pizza even though it's mostly Yoongi and he is a little concerned over Jimin's appetite too. Though generally he looses appetite after emotional breakdowns, still Yoongi feels a little uneasy.
And as he looks at him properly he could feel another reason Jimin looks like dead is, he has heavily lost weight.
This doesn't look good.
But he doesn't want to point it out and make Jimin self conscious.
So Yoongi asks something different,
"Did you though???"
"Huh!???"
"Move on!? Did you move on??" Yoongi asked pretty casually, cause somehow he already knows the answer.
They are sitting on the floor to be comfortable. Yoongi takes the box of ciggerate and matchbox. Putting one in mouth and lighting it, he takes a drag slowly.
The burn right now is really welcomed. He needs a little numbness in his system to talk about everything without going on in another fit.
He needs to be a little unbiased for a moment he guesses.
Yoongi leans back supporting himself on his one arm while the other holds the burning stick between his fingers. As he puffs out the smoke, his eyes follow the swirls of the smoke gradually fading into the air.
Just how their heaven faded and it became a dark hell.
How the one who pulled him from the spirals of darkness vanished one day and pushed him into the spiral again.
Yoongi can't lie but there is a distance between them right now. It's not a bad thing but also not a good thing either.
It's like everything that happened has created a wall and Yoongi doesn't know how to break it, how to walk over it.
But at the lack of response when he looks at Jimin, maybe...
Maybe the question was a wrong thing to ask.
He takes another drag a bit quickly. The burn of the ciggerate is probably doing nothing over the way he is feeling under Jimin's gaze.
It's dark, but not hooded. It's accusing slightly but at the same time vulnerable.
There is sadness but with fragments of anger.
It's not lust, rather a way someone looks at their prey.
If it was some other time, he would be happily Angel of Death's prey but right now there are things to accomplish so he can't be the prey.
Jimin's gaze is fixated on him, it's not moving over himself, it's fixated mostly on his face.
Yoongi can guess why Jimin suddenly changed persona, it feels more like an attack and it somehow throws a challenge to him.
"And what makes you ask that???" Jimin asks eyes not wavering from his own.
And damn that fucking voice.
Damn that face.
Damn everything about him.
"Just asking...." Yoongi tries to be casual as he puffs out the smoke.
Jimin shifts towards Yoongi. He doesn't know when in a quick motion he is in his lap, too close.
Too fucking close.
Yoongi takes another puff of smoke while Jimin leans closer slowly.
Yoongi doesn't mind loosing his sanity but at the same time he can't risk loosing Jimin again. He is well aware Jimin can pull tricks at any moment if he is not cautious.
Their eyes aren't moving from others as he tries to read down the other.
A part of Yoongi relaxes at the sight of those brown eyes, the irises that he knows so well and how the the fire swirls in them.
It's his Pheonix, in his arms, in flesh.
Not a mere dream.
It's nothing new but at the same time it feels different.
Yoongi doesn't knows who moves first or if it's them both but the next thing is they are kissing each other. Yoongi doesn't want to know either.
The only thing important now is the plump lips against his own, how they still knows what Yoongi likes.
How he moves his tongue over his upper lips that makes him crazy.
How the other still remembers everything about him.
It doesn't take time to fall into their known rhythm.
And the way Jimin is sucking the smoke out of his mouth, breathing in it, savouring it Yoongi may loose his mind.
Jimin gasps against his lips and Yoongi feels his heart is beating at a record speed.
Yoongi may have saved something great in his last life that he got Jimin is this life. Cause he is a fucking vision.
He can't help but holds the Jimin's face in his other hand cupping his cheek, thumb moving in circle over his skin.
Jimin's hands rest on the back of his neck, pulling him to deepen the kiss.
Yoongi allows him, allows him to get whatever he wants. His other hand moves in his own accord, now resting loosely over Jimin's waist.
He missed this, way too much.
Jimin feels hungry, he missed Yoongi's touch for so long. He is starved. And he will savour in each of it.
And Yoongi could feel it in the way he moves his lips against his owns, how his tongue explores his own mouth as if searching for something.
Yoongi moves a little back to look into his eyes. He himself is breathing heavily and so does Jimin.
There is something that's hard to describe, even though Yoongi gets it.
It's not the hunger or the lust. They are just deprived of each other for so long.
Their souls are deprived of each other.
So he leans again, this time taking control and slowing it down.
He kisses Jimin deeply and intendly.
& Jimin let's him do that, he kisses him back with same intend. But let's himself go in Yoongi's arms, letting the other take the control.
He loves Yoongi.
Undeniably.
Their eyes are closed, Jimin's one hand is now tangled in his hair and another resting on his shoulder.
It feels good.
It feels damn good.
They pulls apart, but not apart enough. Yoongi rests his forehead against Jimin's and Jimin brushes his nose against his.
"I miss you.."
Jimin whispers like a prayer, like he is talking to himself but also telling Yoongi.
And that's the moment Yoongi realises it's been long Jimin has shut Yoongi out from himself, from his thoughts, vulnerability and inner turmoils.
He was there but he also wasn't there.
And right in this moment, he allowed him again. He allowed Yoongi inside his walls again, whatever mess he is in.
And Yoongi swears it could easier make him tear up.
"I miss you, Yoongi...
So much...."
Jimin says again.
He missed him. He missed him like hell.
Jimin never actually thought he was too deep in his love for Yoongi. He never thought once apart, living and even breathing without Yoongi will become painful.
But the moment, he broke everything... The moment he walked away, he knew Yoongi wasn't a part of his life.
Yoongi became his life.
And Yoongi can't explain the feeling he is feeling.
It's overwhelming. It's more like he went through hells, and right now he felt like everything was worth it.
He has won something.
"I missed you too." He whispers leaning so that he can brush his nose against Jimin's own.
A notion, just for them to know.
Yoongi just wants Jimin to know,
All the time they were apart, he loved him.
He still loves him the same way like before.
And nothing changed.
He loves Jimin for whatever he is. And he will love Jimin for whatever he is.
And what he gets from Jimin is,
Jimin still loves him. And even though he has hurted him-
He loved him. Every moment he loved Yoongi.
They may happened to be hurting eachother, knowingly or unknowingly. Maybe they just didn't know what to do in that moment.
But they loved each other.
Hell, Destiny and fate is something twisted.
And Yoongi doesn't wait to kiss him again, softly pouring whatever he is feeling. It's overwhelming and he wants Jimin to feel it.
He can't get enough.
Nothing is enough.
Jimin pulls a little back, trembling a bit and eyes still closed.
"Yoongi..." He utters his name breathily.
"Hmm...."
"I- I am sorry!!!"
"Jimin-"
Jimin opens his eyes this time, eyes that look too much genuine.
Not just genuine it's glassy and tears brimming in them,
"Yoongi, see I know my apology doesn't mean much.
Cause I consciously took the decision.
Cause I somehow knew that it's going to be...." Jimin swallows hard,
"I knew it's going to be hard. I wanted to soften the blow by-"
"Breaking up and hurting me by yourself, so that I hate you and the actual thing doesn't hurt me much???"
Jimin nods aggressively,
"I just want you to understand that I.... I didn't have any other way out around that time. I didn't want to hurt you in a way that can't be healed.
So I... I just chose a way which would be.... easy.
And I acknowledge that what I did-" his lips quiver and Yoongi doesn't want to see him break down again.
"You had a way-" Yoongi tries, speaking as much softly he can. He is still holding his face and other holding his waist. He tries to draw soothing circles over the t-shirt he is wearing.
But he could feel Jimin fidgeting with the fabric of his t-shirt, twisting it between his fingers.
"No I didn't." Jimin rushes to explain,
"I mean, It's just.... just... I couldn't... I could not risk it... I couldn't explain it....
I took the way what looked convenient but if I did not leave things would be highly messed up."
Jimin wants Yoongi to know, if he had a way where Yoongi wouldn't be hurt, he would definitely choose that.
But he also wants him to know what he has prioritised. And his priority was keeping all of them alive.
"But you could give us a heads up... Same thing but it's just..."
The way Yoongi is looking at Jimin, softly and lovingly, Jimin feels guilty to his core.
It wasn't okay to hurt him.
It wasn't.
It cannot be.
Even though he has hurt himself more in the process, killing himself Everyday.
Hurting Yoongi wasn't okay.
He promised he would protect him.
And he threw him in hell.
Jimin shudders,
"I am sorry."
"It's okay-"
"No it's not." He responds instantly,
And I want you to never forgive me for this..."
"Jimin..." Yoongi responds in shock, sitting straight as his hold gets tighter over Jimin.
If the other is trying to convince him to leave him, then No.
"Or until you forgive me by yourself.
Not till then..." Jimin clarifies, now holding Yoongi's face.
He can't help but lean into the touch.
It's been long.
Yoongi takes a deep breath.
"Okay..."
He pulls Jimin into a hug,
"Okay...
But promise me you won't be leaving again without telling."
Jimin keeps his silence but Yoongi could hear taking him a deep breath. So he asks again,
"Promise me, that you won't be leaving again..."
"Yoongi-" Jimin speaks with urgency,
"Yoongi, I am in middle of something.
I... I can't promise now." He untangles himself a little from the hug.
"Let's do it together, again."
"Yoongi!!! No!!!!
It's dangerous...." He instantly replies warning prominent in his voice.
"And you are doing it...." Yoongi points out a bit bitterly.
"I am habituated with this..."
"Habituated with throwing yourself-"
"No it's not just that...
I have worked for this for long. I know them.
Me and Yasmeen.
We know the cracks and places."
The mention of the name reminds Yoongi what happened in the evening,
"Oh!!
Yasmeen?? The one who came first to collect those??? right!!"
"Yeah...." Jimin responds flatly.
"Ohhh I want to thank her!!!
Let me meet her soon too. I really want to thank her-"
"Yeah!! And I want to throw her into waters!" He huffs.
Yoongi laughs heartily.
Oh god it's been long.
How long it has been he has laughed this way????
But Jimin's expression makes it easy. The way he is angry and pouting over his teammate also the one Yoongi wants to thank is making it easy for him.
Jimin looks at him,
"What???
I am fucking trapped here because of her." Jimin grumbles.
But the gummy smile of the other and how his shoulders silently shake while he laughs is making it harder.
"And I want to thank her for the same thing!!!!!!!
Oh god." Yoongi laughs again.
"She planned it, Yoongi.
She schemed it.
She tricked you!!!!" Jimin tries to convince Yoongi.
Yoongi shakes his head as he laughs again,
"I don't mind if she did.
She just made my work easier.
I really want to thank her."
"Ughhhh!!!! Everyone is against me."
"It's not." Yoongi points out.
He doesn't think Yasmeen is exactly against him from what he picks up,
"But I think she got irritated and tired from you.
So she ditched you...."
"She is AGAINST ME." Jimin says animatedly.
Yoongi laughs again.
"You just don't believe me.
She has seen you.
She knows you!!!
She knows exactly who you are !!!!
And she knew I don't want to meet you.
Obviously......."
"Wait??? When she met me!????" Yoongi asks.
He doesn't remember meeting her or Jimin introducing her before.
"Bali!!!!!"
But the realisation hits Jimin sooner. He should not be telling this to Yoongi.
"Oh shit...." He curses to himself.
"But I don't remember seeing her there." Yoongi clears up nonchalantly.
"She-
Wait????
So!???" Jimin frowns to look at Yoongi's expression.
Did Yoongi figure it out that it was him??
"Ohh absolutely!!! Not instantly but yeah...
If you think you were fooling me??
you need to play better.
And for your information I am a great observer."
"Ughhh -" Jimin grumbles again.
He should not give slack to Yoongi just because he is in heads over heels for him.
But Yoongi just hugs him again, pulling him as much closer he could.
He presses face into the crook of his neck.
It's soothing.
It's very soothing.
Jimin just sighs and adjust himself in his embrace, holding Yoongi closer.
It's been long he has done this.
It's been long they have done this.
The silence isn't strained anymore, it's comfortable.
And the way Jimin keeps carding his fingers through his hair, Yoongi can fall asleep this way.
It's his heaven.
But something is missing.
Something-
Jimin doesn't smell like himself.
Jimin smells like Yoongi himself.
Yoongi whines a little.
"What???" Jimin asks softly. He could feel the other is almost pouting even if his face is resting against his neck.
"The clothes are washed then why you don't smell like you!!
You smell like me!!"
Yoongi could almost see the small smile on the other's lips. But the moment he said the words he could see them fading. He could feel Jimin tensing up.
"Is that a bad thing??" Jimin responds instead.
"No!!!!!
But-" Yoongi pulls back,
"Wait!!!"
Jimin doesn't respond to anything.
Maybe he lets Yoongi to figure out on his own.
Maybe that's the answer to Yoongi's own question.
That he didn't move on.
He kept him in his memories.
And not just memories.
He kept him with himself.
Jimin smells exactly like the perfume he gifted Yoongi in their anniversary, customised and as he said it reminds Jimin of him.
Yoongi doesn't ask anything more. He gets and all his questions are answered.
"I love you...." He confesses instead.
The words he should have said the moment Jimin walked in.
But still....
It's not late.
Jimin is here.
And he will never loose him again.
"I love you too, my Prince of hell." Jimin softly kisses on the side of his head.
It's enough.
Now, it's enough.
Yoongi doesn't know how much time it has passed, seconds, minutes or hours but they just stayed that way.
In silence and in each other's arms.
They have missed it and they need a moment to gather that it's not a dream or a momen before a nightmare.
It's real.
But maybe it's the tiredness of the past few days or Jimin's presence is too much soothing to his nerves or finally his fears has calm down a bit, Yoongi finds himself yawning.
Jimin chuckles softly,
"Oh!! My highness is sleepy.
Go to sleep then."
"You are not leaving!!! I am warning you....." Yoongi actually warns.
"Okay! I am not... But you should really sleep."
"And you should sleep too... Have you look at yourself?? You look like those zombies in movies with these dark patches under your eyes."
Jimin raises one eyebrow faintly,
"If I am a zombie??? People wil happily welcome apocalypse then!!!"
And Yoongi laughed again. Not at what he said, more at the fact,
His siren is safely back again.
~~~~~~
"Do you have sleeping meds??"
"Sleeping meds!!?
No!??
Why???
You need them??" He tries to sound unbothered even though he is highly bothered.
"My head is actually hurting now and I think I need sleep."
"So sleep-"
"I can't sleep without them...."
Okay!!! So now Yoongi is highly worried. He doesn't want to overwhelm Jimin more but it's serious.
Whatever Jimin is going through it's turning serious.
"From when???"
"Since the nightmares started...." Jimin doesn't explains much.
"It's okay... I wil try without them today..."
Yoongi nods in agreement.
When they settles in bed, even though Yoongi is tired he can't quite allow himself to fall asleep.
A part of him is afraid what if he wakes up and Jimin has left again.
It's been a hour Yoongi guesses. Jimin is next to him, his back is against Yoongi's chest and Yoongi is holding onto him. But he can't fall asleep.
What if he falls asleep and Jimin leaves him and he wakes up in the hauntingly empty room again.
That's a nightmare he doesn't want to live again.
He knows Jimin is also not asleep but he wants him to.
It looks like he hasn't slept for ages.
And as if on cue,
"Yoongi.." Jimin calls.
"Jimin!!
You need to sleep."
"I don't want to go back." He mumbled face pushed into the pillow as his voice comes a little muffled.
"Where??
To sleep??
Did you have a nightmare-" Yoongi asks.
"Seoul" Jimin says a bit abruptly, a bit rushed.
"What do you mean?" Yoongi asked cautiously.
"I hate Seoul."
& then a silence.
Yoongi knows it from the time Jimin came to Seoul after he went to Palermo.
He knows all through these years that Jimin hated Seoul. But they never had a conversation on it, Yoongi never had the guts for it.
He was afraid what if they have a conversation and Jimin decides to leave Seoul and him behind?
What if Yoongi is not an enough reason for him to stay?
And would Jimin agree to do such a long distance?
Right now, what he dreaded has happened, but still a fear creeps in his heart, clawing over his chest suffocating him.
"You hate me??" He utters in a whisper.
"What??
No!!!
Absolutely not." Jimin lifts his head a little up, looking back at him instantly.
Then he turns on his sides to face Yoongi,
"I don't hate you or like.... the people I hold dear, Yoongi." He clears up.
He slowly moved his hand to hold his cheek and moving his thumb lightly over the faded scar.
"I...don't... hate.. them.
I can't...hate... them.
And I don't hate... you.
You know that."
He spoke the words slowly so that Yoongi should understand Jimin means each one of them.
Yoongi leans into the touch, it's been long.
He was starting to forget how it exactly felt. He just held those fading fragments so tightly so that he could relive this in his dreams.
But right now, it's real and not a dream.
It feels like he is wrapped in a fluffy blanket. He feels warm and fuzzy instead of cold.
"So just Seoul??" He lets himself sink a little.
"Just Seoul!" Jimin responds.
"Why?" Yoongi dares to ask this time.
Maybe this is time they should be having this conversation.
"Everytime....
Everytime I am there I am reminded of what I am-"
Jimin sighs deeply. He pulls his hand from Yoongi's face and turns to lay on his back now.
"What do you mean?" Yoongi is confused.
"That I am just ....a piece of...Revenge, that
I am.... the Vengeance." Jimin's voice sounded defeated and tired.
Yoongi frowns at the words,
"What-" suddenly alarmed at his words.
"Yoongi, what I am going to say now, it will not sound good.
You may judge me-"
"I will never." Yoongi retorts without letting Jimin finish.
"My mother is not like what you think of her."
Jimin utters a bit rushed as if to clarify,
"I mean she is nice.
She is great.
She is definitely great, Yoongi.
She loved everyone deeply and fiercely.
She is great."
Yoongi senses there is something a bit more to it.
"Then?"
"Have you ever seen Lee Yang Cheol??" Jimin asks now looking at Yoongi, his expression is serious but again tired.
Yoongi gives it a thought. He has seen when he was a kid. But later he just always kind of avoided anything about that man.
"Umm!! It's been long I guess. I don't quite remember well."
Jimin nods in understanding as he looks away towards the ceiling again,
"People don't lie when they say I remind them of him, Yoongi."
Yoongi could see Jimin has kept his eyes closed as he is spoke the words.
He can guess whatever he is speaking it's going to be hard.
"You look like him??? But mom said..."
"No it's not like I look like him.
It's more like I remind them of him." He looks at Yoongi for a split moment.
"Maybe I slightly have a resemblance, that I have with my mother too.
What people wants to see, they sees that..." He mumbles a bit quitely this time.
"Like mom thinks you mostly look like your mother!?"
"Yeah, & My mother thinks I am like him." His voice sounded sarcastic.
He has a smile on his face which looks utterly broken to Yoongi.
It's nothing to be sarcastic.
"Jimin-"
"So she made sure, I am like her." Jimin replies, his smile gets replace with something like a blank expression.
"Oh my god...." Yoongi couldn't stop himself from uttering.
Yoongi can sense what's coming.
"Yoongi, I.... I don't hate her.
I loved her.
I love her.
I miss her. I miss her the most."
Yoongi just puts his hand over Jimin's own resting over his stomach.
"I really miss her, Yoongi."
"I know." Yoongi assures.
"But... Everytime I am in Seoul it reminds me of everything.
It felt illegal to be alive.
It feels wrong."
Somehow it breaks Yoongi's heart. Yoongi should not have questioned Jimin's intentions. He has endured a lot just for staying there.
He has endured a lot to just stay with him.
"I am a piece who was the actual vengeance between my parents."
This pulls Yoongi out of what he was thinking.
This wasn't what he expected.
"Sounds crazy right....." Jimin smiles at him, now intertwining his own fingers with Yoongi's.
His voice sounds a little shaky but Yoongi wants him to go on.
He wants to listen.
"What I gather is, my father wanted everything on me to make my greed come back to him & his empire and make my mother loose.
Cause once-"
"He wanted you to stay with him..." Yoongi guesses.
"Yeah..." Jimin nods slightly,
"He wanted to show my mother that maybe his blood in me is stronger than her own and her upbringing.
And my mother...." Jimin takes a deep breath.
"She doesn't like loosing, Yoongi."
Yoongi gives a assuring squeeze to Jimin's hand in his own, trying to comfort him, to show him he is there and listening.
"So she took it upon herself that.... that I-" Yoongi can see it's getting hard for Jimin to explain and talk. His voice is wavering, sometimes feeling distant.
"That you are a split image of her???
Every skill and everything???" Yoongi tries.
Jimin nods slowly again,
"My sister didn't have to go through this.
Cause like....dad never cared for her and mom loved her a little too much for that....
I love her too." He smiles a bit.
Yoongi notices how for the first time he hears Jimin calls Lee Yang Cheol, 'Dad'
"She hated him and yeah..." Jimin continues.
"You didn't hate him???" Yoongi carefully asks.
"I...
I did.... Obviously I did, Yoongi.
But unlike my sister I wanted to meet him, talk to him. Ask him why exactly he did all these to me.
I blame him for whatever happened with me!
The more I am in Seoul I am reminded of all these, everyday.
That somehow it was a wrong thing to do and somehow maybe I dissspointed my mother in doing that. And maybe that I have my father's greed in me.
Specially when people reminds you of all these things everyday, it's not easy. "
Jimin takes a shaky breath, squeezing Yoongi's hand a bit hard.
Yoongi can understand, how much it had tormented Jimin.
"It reminds me how I am piece of vengeance for them, to get back to each other." Jimin puts his free hand over his eyes,
"I hated myself for that, Yoongi.
It would be much simple.
Everything would be great if I wasn't...."
"Jimin.... No!!! Don't say that." Yoongi warns.
It's wrong. It's just wrong.
"But it's true.
Think Yoongi???
My mother would be alive, my sister too.
Hye Ahn wouldn't be fearing, Jae Jun would not think he is being betrayed and he would be happy with everything.
My father would have given him everything, so obviously he wouldn't fall in the trap to kill him which also includes what happened to your family.
You can see the connection right??? It was just my whole existence!!! Things would be so better -"
"How you are so sure that nothing else will happen??" Yoongi retorts panicked. He can't let Jimin sink in this feeling more,
"How you are sure that Hye Ahn's greed would have a limit, that Kim Seong Cheol wouldn't pull a different scheme??
What if he told Jae Jun that he is his father and tried to manipulate him that way??
And what if everything happens then???"
"But-"
"If that happened then there wouldn't be you to get us all out of it!!!" Yoongi tugs at their intertwined hands lightly, coaxing Jimin to face him.
And he does.
"And we would have suffered in it." He speaks softly.
The way Jimin is looking at him, it's sad.
He looks defeated and tired.
He never thought he will see Park Jimin looking this defeated. And what breaks his heart more is, Jimin endured all these when Yoongi was right beside him but he couldn't lean on him. He endured all alone.
Yoongi can slightly make sense what actually pushed Jimin to take drastic decisions but he will not say those now.
He will let the other rest and now Yoongi will figure out on his own.
Just the way Jimin did.
"Don't think these again...ever... Okay??" He pulls Jimin closer and Jimin lets him do that.
Somehow seeing Jimin weak doesn't feel good to Yoongi. He is way too habituated to see Jimin as someone who can manage everything on his own. So it's just....
"It hurts, Yoongi. It's just..... I feel .... I feel there is nothing .... That I am just.... I am just born for revenge and everything." Jimin pushes his face more into his chest and Yoongi holds him there.
"I....
After mom's death I was broken... And more I was scared. Everything was horrible and I just did not want to be in all these.
I lost everyone and everything...."
"I know."
"So I was tired and didn't want to do all these.... I didn't want a revenge, I didn't want a life chasing all these. I had enough. It took away all that I had...."
And the desparate tiredness in his voice gives away how much he wanted that.
"Then why you!?"
"I- I got to know... Mom expected something like that can happen so she left something for me....
I knew she was someone who can sense what can happen but still it was somehow... Somehow it was the last thing I could have from her..." His voice trembles.
"What was it???" Yoongi asks.
"She... She left a letter to your mom... For me..."
And Yoongi remembers what his mother told him that night.
And if that's what Jimin is talking about it was wrong and-
"She said.... If I don't want to do all these I should leave my surname as a Park and take my father's...."
"Jimin-" Yoongi already heard it once and he knows it was a wrong thing to say.
He knows how much his mother regrets that she gave Jimin that letter, that Jimi didn't deserve that.
Jimin's voice pulls Yoongi back to the conversation again,
"Yoongi!!
I thought if she was leaving it as something that will be the last thing I will get from her....I thought there would be comforting words or how she loved me.... Or like she would like to see me living my life.
But just like my father she didn't let me go...
She wanted me to take the revenge. Finish what she started...
I would happen do it. I would... Trust me...." Jimin is choking with each passing words.
"I know!! I know you lover her lot, Jimin.
I know that you still love her and miss her.
And You would do everything for her." Yoongi tries to soothe.
Jimin nods.
"I would. If she just asked me once I would... But I just...
Just once...
Just once I wanted to hear that she loved me and she just wants me to be happy... Nothing else.
So that day it killed me, Yoongi."
He sniffs.
Yoongi gets now, how a person who doesn't belong to this world is living in it with grace. How he learnt to lead it but at the same time it burns him.
"It feels like I exist just as a revenge and nothing more.
That I don't deserve anything except that because I destroyed everything around me and it's just me who did all these. So I just-"
"No don't think like that!!!!"
Somehow all Jimin's thoughts are now scaring Yoongi. The way Jimin kept all these inside and acted as if nothing was bothering him, the way Yoongi was close to him and still didn't know a thing. Now it's scaring him.
"I know it's hard. These thoughts .... But not anymore.
And just know Your mother loves you.
She does.
But it's just maybe she was flawed too.
All of us are.
It doesn't make you less worthy of love.
She loves you and definitely she wants you to be happy.
I dont know why exactly she said that!!
Maybe she wanted to give you a reason so that you can accomplish it and don't withdraw yourself from it.
And if these thoughts come back again, you will talk to me... Okayy??" He urges softly.
"You are a human. Okay???
And you are not born for revenge. You have done enough, okay?"
Jimin doesn't answer. And maybe Yoongi doesn't need an answer.
He just cards his fingers through his blonde locks.
"It's okay!!!
What you are asked to do, you did.
You accomplished. You took your revenge.
You did so well."
"All of us are proud of you, okay??" Yoongi asks.
And Jimin nods to that.
It takes some time for Jimin to relax, then Yoongi asks him softly,
"Jimin? You still trust me right??"
"Hmm... I do.." he speaks, his voice sounds a little sleepy and Yoongi really wants him to fall asleep.
His voice turns a little childish when he starts becoming sleepy.
"Then when everything's over and you feel a little better, you will trust me and come back to Seoul for once!??"
Jimin grips him a bit tighter.
Yoongi understands he really doesn't want to.
"Don't worry.
Say just for three months.
If you still hate Seoul, you can go and live anywhere."
"Anywhere?????"
"Yeah anywhere. You can go back to Palermo.."
"No I do not want to.." Jimin responds.
"Then elsewhere.
You like Tokyo, so maybe Tokyo or Singapore or anywhere. I don't care."
"And you????"
"Jimin???
I could have chased you to hell... A different country is nothing!!!!!" Yoongi chuckles and kisses his forehead.
Jimin smiles genuinely this time,
"Okay I will ...."
That sounds like a promise to Yoongi.
"Okay..."
And that's enough for now.
(Sorry... If I am taking my time in these chapters.
Even though I don't need to explain but I am still doing it.
For me, the relationship I portray between the two is not just dating or something like that. They are kind of soulmate even though they never tells that to the other.
They connects differently and that's the essence of their relationship.
Also the fact, they may have really hurted the other... I am putting the flashbacks in chapters cause I wanted the readers to kinda have a 'wtf is happening' moment and things should gradually make sense.
I know this whole meeting again could be really simple but that's not them.
They needed to talk and clear up whatever piled up between them, things they didn't talk about or avoided.
Also I wanted to show how even after everything it's easy for them to be around the other, to fall into the easy routine of regular life.
Maybe that's what Intimacy is.
So yeah.... Hope you enjoyed...???
Actually the thing is I am overwhelmed writing these two chapters)