Despite standing up for yourself, Joel was able to convince you to spend most of your free time at his house. Fortunately for you, your friends rarely visited your cottage so you didn't have to worry about explaining your absence if they came knocking on your door. You still sneaked undetected through the back door of Joel's house, coming and going to and from work like some sort of ghost.
He had gotten what he wanted, as usual. But over the next few weeks Joel had noticed subtle differences in your behaviour toward him. One of the main changes that he could distinguish was that you had become less physically affectionate. You no longer ran your fingers through his hair spontaneously, or stood on your tiptoes to kiss his nose to greet him after work. You didn't slip into his lap and curl against him like a kitten seeking warmth. As this crucial part of the relationship faded away, Joel came to realise just how much he craved the contact and connection with you. He felt like you were both lost in the dark and he couldn't reach you.
You still washed his clothes and cooked for he and Ellie, still cared for him and fulfilled household duties, but there was an unmistakable lack of emotional intimacy in how you interacted with him. You no longer initiated conversation and when you did speak, your voice was hushed. You rarely looked him directly in the eye. Sometimes Joel would catch you quietly staring at nothing, your eyes dull and sad. You just didn't seem disheartened; your spirit seemed to be completely broken. It began to worry him.
Joel would still fuck you most nights and he would still make you cum on his dick or his mouth or his fingers. Your body was still receptive to Joel's touch and he could feel how hungry your pussy was for him by how wet you got. The sexual chemistry between you had always been explosive and Joel still took smug pride in his ability to manipulate your body and pleasure you. But your moans and cries were no longer wanton. The submissive role you always assumed during sex somehow became more impassive; several times he noticed the disconnected blankness in your eyes, and his palm itched to slap your face just to illicit some kind of reaction from you.
For the first time ever, Joel had consciously stopped himself from taking advantage of you in order to dominate and hurt you. He was careful not to verbally demean you as he fucked you. Joel didn't demand blowjobs and when your period came he settled for your hand jerking him off until he shot a load of warm sticky cum onto his soft stomach.
Joel would be lying if he said he didn't care, that it didn't bother him. Throughout your time together he had never worried about your feelings for him, never needed to panic about whether or not you wanted him. Now, however, Joel felt a sickening panic deep inside himself that you no longer loved him and needed him.
It was impossible for Joel not to worry or ruminate. It was in his nature. And he had spent more time contemplating the night of your confrontation than he would ever care to admit.
You were right. Joel could concede to that. It was just something that had never crossed his mind. And so when you raised the question, it rocked Joel to his very core.
You had made the point when you brought up Ellie in that arguement - what if Ellie had been the one who had been violated instead? It was a rhetorical question, ofcourse. It was obvious what Joel would do; he would go on a rampage of carnage and torture whoever was responsible for hurting her. He would be so blinded by rage that he would slaughter anyone who got in his way. Even the mere idea of something so vile happening to Ellie made Joel's skin crawl with fury.
But what gave him the right to do what he did to you? You had asked that question during the argument too, and now Joel asks himself the same thing. At the time Joel was so incensed that he lost all sense of rationality. The jealousy and wrath had overtaken him. Heart and mind, body and soul.
I don't want my woman behavin' like that when she belongs to me.
Joel had taught you what he expected of you as his woman. All he had needed to do was take your naturally demure and meek character and shape you just as he wanted, and that had been so easy. As far as Joel was concerned you belonged to him from the moment he saw you, and you still did. But now, with an anxious sense of dread, he's not so sure that your heart still belongs to him.
Joel didn't know how to deal with the situation. He had intended to overlook whatever was happening to you until it passed. But when Ellie pulled him aside after dinner one night and expressed her concern, Joel knew he had to do something.
"What's wrong with her?" Ellie whispered to Joel in the kitchen when you had excused yourself to go to the bathroom. "She's acting weird. Like really sad. What happened?"
"Nothin' happened," Joel muttered. "She's just tired. Been missin' her parents and not sleepin' too good."
"Well, do something to cheer her up, asshole," Ellie hissed. "Fix it."
Joel grunted and started filling the kitchen sink with hot water. He gripped the bench and watched the water blast from the faucet. He wasn't sure what to do, how he could fix it, but he needed to do something before you completely disappeared from them.
••••••
When Joel and Tommy were assigned on patrol together, like they were the following week, Joel would meet Tommy at his house and the two brothers would walk to the stables together. It was early morning and Joel didn't feel fully awake just yet. He scrubbed at his eyes with his fists and yawned. He hadn't slept much the previous night - you had been whimpering in your sleep on and off and had somehow repeatedly slipped from his arms to roll to the edge of the bed. Joel would continually wake without you curled up to him. He would pull you back to his chest, only for you to escape from him and return to precariously balance on the edge of the mattress. Joel eventually got you to stay still in his embrace but you would still let out little sighs and gasps every so often.
Joel wondered what you dream about. Did you dream of horrible creatures like the infected? Or were you plagued by the memories of your loved ones' deaths? Joel wishes he knew. His own dreams could be so vivid and distressing, especially the ones of Sarah.
Joel's fingers fidgeted nervously by his sides as he waited for Tommy to saunter down the steps of his porch. The morning sun poured through the clouded sky but did little to diminish the bitter cold that had settled in overnight. Tommy tipped a nod to Joel in greeting before they began the walk to the stables for their patrol shift together. Anyone who saw the two side by side could easily tell they were brothers; they were close in height and shared the same gait, aswell as the same intense brown eyes and full bottom lip.
"Snow looks like it ain't gonna ease up for another few weeks," Tommy observed while glancing up at the snow capped mountains surrounding Jackson.
Joel only grunted in response. He was lost in thought trying to work out how to ask Tommy about his relationship with Maria and how they solve any issues that arise between them. Joel hated deferring to Tommy about anything, but he was desperate for insight into resolving conflict, and Tommy was the only person he could ask for help. Joel was struggling to find a way to segue the conversation, especially without revealing your relationship to Tommy.
"Maria's been like a crazy woman tryin' to knit all these sweaters for the kids," Tommy chuckled. "Balls of yarn everywhere."
Joel cleared his throat and tried to sound as casual as he could manage. "How're you and Maria goin'?"
Tommy gave him a sidelong glance. "We're okay. I mean, some days are better than others, but that's how it is in a marriage, ain't it?"
Joel rubbed his hands together to generate some warmth and kept his gaze fixed ahead of him as they walked. "You two disagree on much?"
Tommy's lips quirked into a small smirk. "Often. You know her well enough by now that Maria doesn't back down easy when she's got an idea in her head."
"How do ya deal with disagreements?" Joel asked offhandedly.
Tommy shrugged a little. "We work it out, we talk things through, compromise."
Joel nodded without looking at Tommy, but he could still feel Tommy's gaze on him.
Joel, unfamiliar with subtlety, struggled to come across nonchalant as he asked his next question. "Well, what if she was still angry at you for somethin', how do you get her to forgive you?"
Joel was still unable to face his brother directly so he didn't see the roguish twinkle in Tommy's eyes or the tiny smirk on his lips.
"Oh. Well, you know," Tommy tried hard to maintain his serious composure. "Depends what it is she's angry at me for. But in general I give her a bit of space and some time, tell her I'm sorry."
Joel was silent as he digested Tommy's response. He had apologised to you, told you that he loved you. But the idea of giving you space and time alone seemed almost unfathomable. Would that actually work?
Joel's focus is interrupted by Tommy's chuckle. Joel looks at him and grunts. "What?"
"Why you so interested in how I solve problems with Maria?" Tommy grinned at Joel. "Wouldn't have anythin' to do with that sweet gal who works at the library, would it?"
Joel stopped in his tracks and glared at his brother. "What?" He spat. Tommy came to a stanstill and chuckled, throwing his hands up in surrendering gesture.
"Come on, big brother. I know somethin's been goin' on between y'all for a while now. I ain't blind."
Joel's cheeks burned pink to hear Tommy's confession. Tommy had never given any indication that he knew about you and Joel; there had been no teasing jokes, no sly looks, no comments full of innuendo, all of which Joel would have expected from his little brother.
"How'd you...? Damnit, did Ellie-" Joel started to ask, then faltered. It didn't really matter how Tommy found out or when he did. He knew, and it wasn't possible for Joel to deny it.
"Ellie didn't tell me shit. How long did you think you could hide somethin' like that from me, Joel?" Tommy shook his head and began walking again. "I see the way you two look at each other."
Joel followed Tommy and grumbled lowly. "Don't tell nobody, Tommy. Ain't ready for that yet."
"Joel, I ain't head of the Jackson rumour mill, so relax. Don't know what a pretty thing like her sees in an old bastard like you, though."
The two men trudged along the snow laden ground in silence for a while, both occupied with their thoughts. Then Tommy cleared his throat and spoke softly.
"What's gonna happen with her, Joel?" He asked, turning his head to look at his brother. "You're old enough to be her father. Are you two gonna get married? Or you just havin' a bit of fun? What's your intentions?"
Joel furrowed his brows and seemed to deliberate the answer for a few beats, then muttered. "I don't know."
"Only askin' cos I know for a fact how soft that girl is," Tommy said earnestly. "She's different to alotta others 'round here."
I know, Joel thinks to himself. That's part of the reason why I love her.
Tommy glanced at Joel to make sure he was listening. "She's got a good heart, never causes any trouble. And she's smart."
"I know," Joel grunted.
"Don't take this the wrong way Joel, but you better not go and break that poor girl's heart over some bullshit," Tommy admonished.
Joel scowled at him. "What the fuck is that s'posed to mean?"
"It means you got issues," Tommy answered solemnly, staring right back at Joel. "I know you better than anyone else. There's alotta shit you haven't dealt with yet, stuff that's gonna make a relationship hard work."
Joel's jaw ticked with irritation but he said nothing. His silence made Tommy feel bold enough to continue speaking.
"I'm talkin' from experience, brother," Tommy admitted, his voice a little more gentle. "When I met Maria, I had alot of anger and sadness inside me. Didn't know how to deal with it, how to control it. Sometimes I'd just lash out, and it would scare her. One day she said she didn't like who I became when I lost control. Said she was going to leave if I didn't work on it."
Joel watched Tommy intently as he confessed this part of his private life. Since coming to live in Jackson, Joel had harboured an envious resentment toward Tommy for the seemingly perfect life he led with his own little family. Everything seemed so easy in Jackson. Tommy was physically strong, he was respected and well liked by the other residents, and he had a thriving family to share the fruits of this paradise with.
Part of this envy was because it still secretly pissed Joel off that Tommy had cut off communication with him back in Boston. Joel still felt a deep sense of betrayl and hurt stemming from the discovery of Tommy living in the luxury of Jackson, all the while Joel had agonised for his safety.
Therefore it never occured to Joel that his own brother, who had been both a raider and a Firefly throughout the collapse of the world, who now lived a healthy and happy existence in a safe community, could have ever struggled with similar internal battles.
"Realised I had to snap outta my bullshit quick, or else I would lose Maria forever. So I did." Tommy said with a heavy sigh. He looked at Joel with a hint of sorrow in his dark eyes. "I'm glad she said that, Joel."
Joel chewed on the inside of his cheek. He didn't particularly like Maria and he knew that she didn't quite approve of him, either. Joel's immediate reaction to what Tommy had said was to blame Maria, call her a controlling bitch who has always kept Tommy on a short leash. But Joel could see the point Tommy was trying to make.
"You want somethin' serious with her, then you need to fix the shit inside your head. You have to treat her right, Joel."
How was he supposed to do that, after over 20 years of living this way? He was at a loss as to how he could begin unravelling the decaying threads that had kept him stitched together for all this time.
"But just how the fuck do I do that, Tommy?" Joel growled. Tommy sighed and ran his fingers through his long black curls. He was trying to remain cool and forgiving of his brother's prickly temperament, aware of how difficult this whole conversation would be for him. He chose his words carefully and spoke calmly.
"Talk. Learn how to control your anger. Be patient. Give her time and space. If she loves you then she'll come back to you."
They walked in silence for the rest of the way to the horse stables. Joel appeared his usual characteristically stoic self but he was distracted by the convulted jumble of thoughts inside his head. Tommy's words swirled throughout his brain - talk. Control your anger. Space and time. He could talk to you about how you felt, how he felt, listen to what you wanted to say. But how was he supposed to give you space and time? What did that even mean? Let you leave him or some shit?
When they entered the barn they found Oscar stroking one of the horse's muzzle and murmuring words of affection to her.
"Mornin'," Tommy greeted him as they marched in. Joel only nodded to Oscar and then went straight to his horse to get loaded up.
"Hey Tommy, hey Joel," Oscar tipped his head in greeting. "Got Misty and Tex saddled and ready for you."
"Thanks," Tommy said, clapping a hand on Oscar's shoulder. "Listen, Troy needs me to cover some of his shifts startin' tomorrow." He lowered his voice a little. "You alright to fill in for me and work with Joel?"
"Yeah, sure," Oscar smiled. "Been a while since we worked together on patrol. A change will be good."
Tommy smiled back. "Yeah, well, I think some change will be good for him, too."
******
After work that evening Joel stopped into the Tipsy Bison with Tommy, Troy and a few others to have a drink. He needed to unwind, to let the burn of alcohol distract him from his woes. He let the whiskey wash over him as he only half listened to the men's conversation. Joel scanned his gaze across the bar and observed the different groups of people milling around the place. His eyes locked on a couple of women sitting on stools by the bar. They were around your age, hair styled and wearing what he guessed were their best clothes. They were both undeniably good looking - he's sure every man in the room would be dying to fuck them if given the chance. One of them, a dark haired beauty, was looking back at Joel and smiling coyly, a mischevious twinkle in her eye. He knew that look - the fuck me eyes and the fake innocence, a bold invitation for whatever the fuck you're up for. And he hated it.
It didn't interest Joel in the slightest bit. All he was interested in was you. Not a single woman could tempt him to betray his loyalty to you. He turned away from the women and threw back the last of his whiskey, then unceremoniously stood up and farewelled the men goodnight.
"Come on Miller, one more round!" One of them protested. Joel just shook his head and stalked to the entrance then disappeared through the saloon doors.
When he arrived back home the house was shroud in darkness and not a sound could be heard. Panic creeped up his spine. Where were you? Why weren't you waiting for him? Joel bound through the downstairs of the house to check each room, not bothering to remove his boots or his coat. The kitchen was still and empty. The living room was devoid of life, as was the laundry. Then he raced upstairs, two steps at a time, hoping to find you laying in bed asleep.
When Joel hurtled into the bedroom he did find you, but awake, sitting cross legged on his bed, a book open in your lap. Telief flooded over him and his body sagged against the doorframe as he caught his breath.
"There you are," Joel huffed.
"Why do you look so scared?" You asked, staring at him with unease.
Joel shook his head. "Nothing, don't matter."
He heaved himself off the doorframe and plodded over to the bed. He couldn't wait to settle under the covers with you and melt into a deep sleep. You shifted over from the edge to give him room, and he fell back on the mattress with a heavy groan.
There was silence in the room for a minute, then both of you started to speak at the same time.
"Joel I--"
"Baby--"
Joel lifted his head to look up at you but you were staring at the book in your lap. "What is it? What were you gonna say?" He asked.
"I want to stay at my place tonight," you said quietly. The unexpected admission surprised Joel so much that he quickly sat up and shifted his body to face you head on.
"Why? You're not happy here?" Joel was unable to disguise his vexation and the question comes out accusatory. He sucked in a sharp breath and quickly tried to rein in his irritation, remembering Tommy's advice.
Control your anger. Control. Control.
Joel exhaled through his nose and gently took your chin between his thumb and finger and angled your head to look at him. He studied your beautiful face and absorbed the set of your features; your bottom lip pulled between your teeth, a lock of your hair swept over your forehead (why did you never wear ribbons in your hair anymore?), the vacant and weary expression in your eyes that made you appear ill.
"I'm not happy anywhere right now," you whispered. Joel had to turn his head slightly so that his good ear was closer to you.
"I said I was sorry," he rasped, throat suddenly dry. "I'm takin' care of you, ain't I?" He hated the inflection of slight panic in his voice; it made him feel desperate and weak.
"Yes, you are," you replied flatly, moving your head so he had to release your chin.
"So what, you wanna leave me?" Joel snapped suddenly, overwhelmed with his conflicting emotions. "That it?"
"No, Joel," you spoke calmly, almost mechanically. Your voice sounded tired. "I just need some space. I'm not ready just yet to properly live together. I need some time to....to just heal. And I can't do that if I don't have space from you."
Joel sighed with frustration and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. He understood that you weren't prepared to live together officially after what he did to you, but he was going to force you anyway. Well, that had been his plan initially, before speaking to Tommy.
Joel was at a crossroads; he could coerce you and watch as you continued to deteriorate or he could be patient and wait for you to get over everything. If Joel wanted to keep you in his life then he had to prioritise your needs and wants over his own.
"Is that...is that somethin' you'd really want?" Joel asked, the deep timbre of his voice close to cracking. "That'll make you happy?"
You stared at him with large glassy eyes and slowly nodded your head. "Yes, Joel. I really do want that."
He huffs out a shaky breath and rolls his eyes up, shaking his head ever so slightly. It takes all his might to not argue with you and raise his voice and fiercely deny you. Joel wants nothing more than to scoop you into his arms and hold you tightly to his chest, to withdraw his permission to give you the space you seem to want so dearly. But he knows that it isn't possible and that he risks everything by forcing you.
"We can still spend our time together," you said softly. "Nothing will change...I just need to be in my own house."
Joel looked back down at you with dejection and grief swirling in his soulful brown eyes. He swears he can feel each and every tiny fracture that strikes at his heart in this very moment. He sniffed and brought his hand up to tenderly stroke your cheek with his thumb.
"Okay, babydoll," he whispered. "Just...tell me you ain't gonna leave me, yeah?"
You pressed your hand up to cup the back of his and nodded. "No, I won't."
The lack of warmth or sparkle in your eyes does nothing to reassure Joel. He still feels lost in darkness.