Gender Neutral Reader
So, in this fic, you are the person who welcomes sinners to Hell, like Saint Peter, though, your song isn't trash
A/N - This entire thing is a just something i made up, in no way is it theories i have, its just for fun, don't come after me
Song: The Whole "Being Dead" Thing - Alex Brightman (Video Above)
Y/n's POV:
I sat in my dressing room, getting ready for my weekly performance. Most people would assume I get bored of doing the same thing every week, but to be honest, it's quite entertaining. Welcoming sinners into eternal damnation after they've been waiting at the gate for who knows how long, it's fucking hilarious. See, the difference between going to the gates of Heaven and going to the gates of Hell is, in Heaven, you get greeted right away and get to enter straight away after a really shitty song, where in Hell, you have to wait outside the gates until its time for me to welcome new sinners every Saturday, if you arrive on Sunday, tough shit, you gotta wait a whole week till you can enter. Sucks to suck.
"Y/N? Hurry up, you have 5 minutes before you have to be out there greeting sinners!" My boss, Rodney, says while pounding on the door. I sigh and finish freshening up. I open the door and step out.
"Ok, I'm ready, lets fucking do this," I say as I walk towards the gates. I stop in front of the gates while I hear on the opposite side my best friend singing a ballad about the history of Hell. I hear my cue as she finishes.
"Holy crap, a ballad already?" I pause as the gates open and the sinners turn their attention to me. "And such a bold departure from the original source material!"
Show time.
Third Persons POV:
"Hey, folks! Begging your pardon
'Scuse me, sorry to barge in
Now lets skip the tears and start on the whole
Y'know, "being dead" thing," Y/n sings as the sinner's cautiously walk in through the gates, looking around.
"You're doomed! Enjoy the singing," Y/N continues, pointing to one of the new comers. They smirk to themselves as they can see the person basically shit themselves. They feel amused by the sight as they continue, not aware of who all was watching their weekly routine.
"The sword of Damocles is swinging, and if i heat your cellphone ringing" They say as their fake sweet smile turns serious. "I'll re-kill you myself, the whole "being dead" thing,"
"Death can get a person stressed
"We should've carpe'd way more diems
Now were never gonna see 'em"
I can show you what comes next," Y/N says as they make sure they have everyone's attention.
"So don't be freaked
Stay in your seats" Just as that line is said, someone beside the group gets killed and eaten by cannibals. A few of the new sinners throw up whole the rest yell.
"I do this bullshit like ate times a week
So just relax, you'll be fine, drink your fifty dollar wine and take a breath," They continue with no care for whats happening. They hop up on one of the near-by vehicles, noticing a crowd has formed around the scene, including the residents and employees of the Hazbin Hotel in which Charlie has invited to meet Y/N as see what she has to help with every Saturday morning. They all watch curiously as Charlie passes Y/N a ukulele that they start strumming, singing along in a peaceful way.
"You're
You're gonna be fine
On the other side
Die! You're all gonna dien
You're all gonna die!" They say aggressively, pointing the ukulele like a gun before snapping it over their knee as lights start to flash red and white in order to scare the group of new comers, which works, every time. Charlie passes Y/N a new ukulele as they start singing and playing peacefully again.
"I'll, I'll be your guide
To the other siiiiiiiiIIIIIIIDE" They went back to aggressive, breaking the uke over their knee again, the lights flashing again as you hear voices in the background "Though in full disclosure, its a show about death"
"Everybody gets on fine here
Like Rodgers, Hart and Hammerstein here
The woman's bathroom has no line here
Just pee where you want, the whole "being dead" thing," The group continues through the inner city, trying to stay as close to Y/N and Charlie as possible.
"You're just gonna love the folks here
Yeah, I know your woke, but you can take a joke here
And every show I do ,like, a TON of coke here" Y/N say as they set up a line of white powder on their wrist, smiling.
"The whole *sniiiiif* the whole "being dead" thing!" They sniff the white powder right in front of the group.
"Nobody is bulletproof proof
"I work out, I eat clean"
Jesus, pass the Dramamine" That line earned a smirk snd a snicker from Angel Dust, being he was one of the only ones who knew what you were talking about, he earned a nod of respect while you go on. "Time to face the brutal truth"
"Cause we're all on a hit list
Might not live till Christmas
Choke to death on Triscuits," Saying that earned you a few weird stares. "Hey, thats just statistics"
"So take a little break here
Kinda like a wake here
The scenery is fake here
But theres a giant snake here" They say, making a giant snake out of magic causing the group to scream in fear, making you burst out laughing, which continued for a few minutes before background vocals chimed in, helping you gain your composure. "Welcome to a show about death,"
They pick up an old timey mic, starting to sing again like your a blues performer, " You're, hey, you're gonna be fine," The sound of clapping starts playing, like something you would hear in a sitcom, which actually happens a lot with them. During these kind of performances, there are times you can hear laugh tracks or clap tracks, so they're used to it by now.
"Thank you, on the other side, how you doing, sweetie?" Y/N motions the mic to one of the new sinners in the crowd, who was crying out of fear. Y/N snickered and continued. "Not good, a ba-da ba be ba de ba-ba"
"I'll, hey, I'll be your guide!~
To the other siiiIIIIIDE
Seriously, though, this is a show about death-" They threw the mic away and disappears pit of thin air while other sinners are singing back up.
"Death is taboo, but its hardly something new
Theres nothing medical professionals can do
'Cept maybe just bill you" The sinners backing up Y/N continue while they are no where in sight until they appear, laying on their stomach on top of a van behind the group of newbies, startling a lot of them.
"If you die again while watching this introduction, the performance will not stop," They say with a wink and disappear again, once again, the back up singers continue.
"Theres no destiny or fate
Just a terrifying wait
Filled with people that you hate
And on a certain date, the universe kills you!" The back up sinners continue, Y/N appearing once again on too of a different vehicle behind the group, standing this time, hands on their hips.
"Thats the thing with life
No one makes it out alive~
Toss that body in the pit
"Gosh, it's awful, ain't it tragic, blah blah "Bible Jesus" magic" They sing in a mocking tone while making a cross over their body.
"When you dead, who gives a shit?
"No pilates, no more yoga"
"Namaste" you freaking posers" They put their hands together and then flip off the crowd.
"From the cradle to cremation," They walk over and wrap their arm around a sinner, "Death just needs a little conversation"
"I have mastered the art
Of tearing convention apart
So how about we all make a start" All of the sinners line up behind Y/N and Charlie in the front of the new comers, who were watching ing amazement and fear.
"On the whole "beeeeee-iiiing dead" thiiiiiiing
God, I hope your ready for a whole lotta death!" Y/N and Charlie panted, out of breath from their musical number. The crowd was silent for a moment before erupting in clapping and cheering, which made both of the performers bow. Now it was time to get down to the actual introduction
Y/N's POV
"Thank you, thank you, but its time to discuss what you after life will look like," I say, gaining the attention of the whole group.
"You are all dead, and sinners, duh, thats why you're in Hell. You will have to fend for yourself out here, and nit alot of information is given to you, all the info you get is what Charlie, our dear princess of Hell, told you at the gates. So good luck to you all and i hope you payed attention or you're all royally fucked. Good luck to you all," I wave and walk away with Charlie, leaving the sinners confused and scared. They'll get used to it.
"Oh, Y/N! I have some people I really want you to meet!" Charlie exclaims as she grabs my hand and yanks me with her to a group of sinners waiting for her.
"Everyone, this is Y/N, we've been friends since her very first day here, Y/N, this is my hotel staff and guests. This is Husk, our bartender" She points to a cat demon took a swig of a bottle before nodding my way. "Niffty, our maid" She gestures to the small one-eyed demon who looked rather, well, crazy. She waved up at me with a crazed smile. I smile back at her. "You already know Vaggie," Vaggie nods at me. I return the favour. "And our two guests, Angel Dust and Sir Pentious"
"Ya probably already know who I am. I gotta say, you're pretty funny, i thought I was the only one who knew what dramamine was. I have a feeling that we will get along rather well~," The porn star says in a flirty tone, adding a wink.
"I guess we'll see, now, wont we," I flirt back to match his energy. He smiles and nods in approval
"My names Sir Pentious, I found your performance rather enjoyable," The snake demon compliments with his snake lisp.
"Its very nice to meet you Sir Pentious, all of you, really, Charlie will not stop talking about her oh so amazing hotel and its staff and guests," I say, elbowing Charlie who has a huge smile plastered on her face.
Alastors POV:
"Oh! I forgot on every important and key member of our team," Charlie exclaimed. She gestures towards me. The persons eyes widen slightly in shock and amazement. "This is Alastor, the manager of the hotel, I'm sure you already know who he is,"
"Do i ever, its not everyday a soul randomly appears and take down multiple big time overlords and becomes one of the most known beings in all of Hell, i must say, your work is rather impressive, its a pleasure to meet you, Alastor," They stated, looking up at me. "Ive been following your work for years, sure, a lot of people may be afraid of you, but I've been nothing but intrigued," well, isn't that surprising.
"Why, thank you my dear, my pleasure is all mine. I wasn't aware I had fans down here, though it is good to know," I reply, looking them up and down before silently nodding in approval. They might make great use to me, i like this Y/N already.
"We should get back to the hotel," Charlie mentions, turning towards the group.
"Hey, do you mind if I crash at your hotel, my landlord kicked me out cause i was "getting to much attention"" they said using air quotes while rolling their eyes.
"Of course! We have plenty of room!" Charlie said rather excitedly. As we started walking back, i payed close attention to Y/N, how they act, their body language, their appearance, see if they had any use to me. I cant seem to focus on planning, all i can think about is how beautiful they are, how their laugh is music to ears like a good jazz song.
I snap out of my thoughts, moving into the shadows so i get to the hotel faster. I go to my room and close the door, starting to pace. Out of all people, it had to be them. And so fast, as well. I knew love at first sight was a thing, always assumed it was just some propaganda to help people feed their silly delusions. I may need to visit an expert on this kind of thing.
So, I'm trying to get more stories out, I am working on a request, hut I've had really bad writers block and I've been working on this for a while so I thought I'd just feed you this while you wait, hope you enjoyed - A/N
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