Name: Fever dreams/ Smoking crack with Jesus.
Requested by: BatteryRoach
Note: Happy birthday, Roach! Here's the crackfic you requested. (It acedentally became a real crack fic.. Im partially high) I really hope I don't forget to post this on 2 May. Enjoy your birthday present!
Warning: As you saw from the title, Jesus will be used.. in a.. odd way. Just like god.. and also Iruma will be a hippy. Also theres drug use, smoke use, and more that you'll see, a lot more.
I don't think very religious people will like this chapter. I doubt those people are in a demon fandom but still, you're warned.
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Just a few hours ago, I was fast asleep in my bed and now, what happened now again?
I turned to look at the gigantic statue of me built on the school grounds, standing there with pretty, fabulous rainbow painted nails, a blunt in my mouth and sunglasses on my face while I posed in a rock star pose. The faces of demons drawn under my statue were all snorting lines of coke and drinking Yeager meister. I prefer Heineken though.
Underneath the statue I could make out a few faces of people I knew, also stoned, in more ways than one because theire statues. I could vaguely tell Asmodeus's mother with whip, Kalego being roasted on a stick.. and is that Jesus Christ? And why is the guardian of CutThroatValley kissing a gigantic dinosaur plushie that looks vaguely like Kiriwo? I looked at it, confused, my head still spinning wildly.
"What the hell happened Yesterday?!"
While asking that, my grandpa, who I didn't know was standing behind me, layed his hand on my shoulder. I looked around, flinching as I saw both my parents standing there. "You're going back home." He said with a stern look on his face.
"Wait what?!" I screamed out.
Seriously what happened?! Lets go back to when I woke up ya? Ya?! WHY AM I SAYING YA?! Gosh.. anyways, lets go back a day, because I have no idea what happened at all!
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A day before.
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I slowly woke up from my sheets, feeling, new, refurbished, like I had a good sleep. However, little did I know something was very, very wrong. I'd have become a hippy overnight!
I gladly strolled out of bed, stretching and doing yoga while singing songs, smiling. I was almost a true angel that day, because when I decided to stop meditating and brushed my teeth, I looked in the mirror, seeing something utterly bizarre. I could almost make out two pairs of little wings attached to my back!
While watching myself in the mirror, I wanted to change back into my usual self, before not giving a crap and dressing up in the most green outfit I could find. Blue was so depressing after all, but green is the colour of life! Of happyness! Of the leaves and all that is good! Oh, what am I thinking.. the colour blue is splendid too! Its the calm and quiet, the water and the wind.
I shook my head and turned around. I wasn't feeling like myself at all, I was feeling filled, grand. It was weird, but weirdly comfortable, so I just moved on to the living room. I opened the doors, smiling widely. I waved nonchalantly, greeting the two of them and sat down onto the floor for my second dose of meditation.
I could feel the chi entering my body, the bad karma's leaving the soul and I could smell a faint scent of soup! Soup? I immediately snapped out of my meditation. My god.. oh lord, Jesus! That devil has made me snap out of my meditation by tempting me with earthly delights! How could he? Well, I can't be mad, that goes against everything I stand for, peace above all!
And so I stood up, sitting down on my seat, but when I saw what meal I had gotten, I started crying immediately. Opera and grandpa looked at me shocked, panicking. "Whats wrong?!" Opera asked, rushing towards me, his hand on my shoulder. "Meat!" I cried. "Theres meat in my soup!" I repeated. He looked at me silently, shocked. "I thought that you always preferred it that way, I'm so sorry, master Iruma." He apologized, bringing it back to the kitchen.
"Wait!" I them screamed. "Please don't throw away the poor animal, give it a proper burial!" I begged. He went white, seeming to be feeling very bad. "Right away!" He said, rushing to the kitchen. I then put my hands together, praying very hardly. 'Please, Jesus Christ, have mercy on these demons and their animals. This might be the demon world, but the people here are pacifists and dope.' I then ended it, opening my eyes.
My grandpa was staring at me with wild eyes. "Are you alright, grandson?" He asked. "We didn't know you preferred a vegetarian diet." He replied. I nodded. "I actually prefer vegan, I just feel so sad for the poor creatures I eat.. I have to change my ways." I replied, biting my lip from the pain. He nodded hastily, smiling grandly. "I will make sure to provide you with loads of nutritious meals filled to the brim with greens and fruits!" He smiled.
"Thank you so much." I replied, the sorrow exiting my heart. Goodbye bad emotions, say hi to the good ones. Grandpa nodded. "Also, whats up with the new outfit?" He asked, looking at the green colours. "Oh, that? I just felt the need to express my happyness with everyone, and become one with nature." I said, smiling happily. He nodded, looking a bit concerned. "Well, whatever makes you happy is most important!" He then smiled.
I nodded along calmly. "I agree, the good emotions need to be part of you, the bad ones need to get as far away as possible, thats why smoking weed is a good idea, and why we should legalize it. You are a chair demon, right?" I then asked, smiling from ear to ear. He nodded, his vision darkening slightly. "Yes, I am, grandson." He replied.
"Could you legalize weed?" I then asked. He stared at me deeply. "It already is." He then replied. "But you are underage and will not be taking any of those substances, you wouldn't want to make me sad, would you?" He then asked, looking very, very conserned. "Oh, well, I'm sorry in advance." I then said, watching Opera come back into the room with some new food.
He quickly delivered it, waiting anxiously to see if it was good. I smiled at him. "Thank you for preparing another meal." I said, smiling again. Grandpa, who sat across the table, wasn't smiling at all anymore. I don't get why he doesn't want everyone to be happy though.
I quickly sipped my soup, finished it, grabbed my bag after thanking Opera and sprinted out the door. I had a feeling to just shout "Than'k you louw'd Jesus!" for no reason at all when seeing Clara and Asmodeus. "Good morning, Iruma-sama!" Asmodeus waved. "Hi Iruma chie!!" Clara then waved, jumping around.
"Stand still you!" Asmodeus then yelled at Clara, who wouldn't care at all. "Hey now, don't be so mean at each other." I said, feeling my inner pacifist resurfacing. I felt the zen spread trough my body, as if my veins were tree branches. I then took a deep breath, my arms in the air as I smiled.
Clara and Asmodeus looked at me with confusion. "Is Iruma-chie a cult leader?" She then asked, looking at how he posed. Asmodeus shook his head. "I don't think so.." He replied. Iruma, however, nodded. "Well actually, I thought of starting a small religious group where I'm god so I can protect all of you." He then said, smiling. Asmodeus was exited almost immediately, to Clara's shock.
"Can I join?" He asked, sparkling. "Its only fair if I do." He then added. Iruma nodded happily. "Yes, and you can be my male wife." He then responded. Clara was puffing her cheeks out. "Can I be your female wife?" She asked. Iruma shook her head. "Im sorry, Clara, but the vibes coming off of you are just.. wrong.. play to me for a year straight and I'll think about it." I then said as I walked to school while holding my wife's arm.
However, before I could do anything, my path was obstructed by someone flying down, unhappy. It seemed to be god, who was very mad at me. Next to him stood someone spiked to a cross, a pissed expression on his face. Poor guy.
"Do you have to take me everywhere like this, dad?!" He asked, shouting. "Im pretty sure people will recognize me without this damned thing!" He then added, panting from the pressure of the cross on his back. God looked him in the eyes. "Son, shut the hell up before I make you go to your uncle in hell again." He threatened. "Ugh." Jesus said, rolling his eyes. "At least he's cool with me smoking weed." He then said back.
God sighed. "You know what?! Im done with you." He said before flying off back into the sky. We then all looked at who was still in front of us, falling over. "Can you guys help me?.." He asked. I nodded. "Yes. For exchange of some weed that is." I then replied. He shakily pulled a bag of it from his robes. "Here." He then replied.
I grabbed the greens, pushing the cross away from his body. He layed down there, while I made a blunt. I first gave one to Asmodeus, who got high as fuck in no time. Then one to Clara, wich had almost no effect. Then took one myself to calm my nerves, putting the little bag with the suspicious greens in my bigger bag, concealing it from the world.
We said goodbye to Jesus Christ, who was now smoking something himself, laying on the ground. We then moved on before someone else got in our way. It was Kiriwo, running away from Mrs. Mononoki, the blue haired teacher obsessed with Kalego. Suddenly, she yelled "Cheruchiru!" And Kiriwo got turned into a dinosaur balloon.
Me and Clara quickly walked away while Asmodeus stared into the distance, unaware that anything was happening. Clara then took him with us to school, where a new teacher stood. "Hi there, loves!" She happily exclaimed. "As you all know, its two may, the national day of prayer. As you also know, we are all demons, so I'll be giving you guys sex education instead." She smiled grabbing a whip. "Where did lego teach go?" Clara then asked. Amaryllis quickly stepped aside, showing a roasting Kalego. We quickly turned around again.
"It seems im not the only one who woke up feeling different today." I muttered, grabbing a hold of Clara who seemed to be interested in anything tought by a succubi. Asmodeus then turned around slowly, following us. I then saw half of the class sitting on a bench together, wich was quite the sight. Lied seemed to be the only one normal today.
"Lied, whats going on with everyone?" I asked. "..." He said, staring at Asmodeus behind us. "Did he use anything?" He then asked. I nodded. "We all did, but Clara is completely normal." I said. He nodded. "Well to answer your question, I have no damn idea." He said, looking worriedly at Sabnock and Jazz who were sitting next to them. "Those two.. well.. you can see sabnock in a dress and a peace sign. And Jazz is.." He said, pausing before he continued. "..Lets just say white hair doesn't suit him." He said, sighing.
I nodded heavily before turning my head to Sabnock. "Do you want to join our peace cult?" I asked him. He happily nodded. "Of course my riva- friend!" He roared. It wasn't long before Lied and Jazz also joined the group. And so all of them walked to the cafeteria, making sure to not get close to any of the new freaks today.
Well, thats not nice to think about.. But well.. Seriously what the hell is wrong with everyone today? And why were Asmodeus and Clara kind of normal?
I sighed, before beginning the reign over my school. "Asmodeus." I said. "Lets begin making everyone a part of our cult, ask as many as we can." I said, him nodding slowly. "Actually.. You can stand next to me, I shouldn't have given you anything." I then said, a bit worried. "The rest of you may turn everyone into one of us." I then said, while they ran out to make as many friends as they could.
Soon after, my wife was feeling a little better and we had collected more than a hundred souls- I mean friends. Once we had that many, we threw everyone out of the cafeteria that wasn't a part of us, closing everything off. Why? Because we were going to get hiiigh. Just kidding, because a bird flew against the window.
This wasn't just any bird, but the bird of CutThroatValley, so half the room was blown to smithereens. I sighed, patting its head. "Its fine." Then grabbed whatever object I first could, wich was a dinosaur balloon that had flown in the gigant gaps the bird made. The bird seemed happy, and so was I, having collected more than a hundred sou- friends for our experiment.
And so, I finally began cult rituals, gathering them all up in one place. "So as you all know, we are called the peace cult, striving for peace. Now that all of you are here, the ones that im not friends with can stand in front of me, the ones I am friends with can stand behind me." I then said. Once all the people I didn't know stood in front of me, I shot them all to death with the help of Alikred.
"Now that all of you are dead, peace will be closer then ever." I said, smiling from ear to ear. Feeling satisfied, I took my friends home, grabbing a bunch of different beds to fit them all in my room, having a sleepover with everyone. Once my head hit my pillow, I slept.
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I then saw myself standing before the statue again, grandpa looking at me with disgust.
Then soon after, I woke up, actually woke up. I heard my demon clock screaming loudly at me. "Mhm.. good morning to you too." I said, trying to get out of bed. My limbs, however, were too hard to move, making me unable to. I softly sighed, knowing what just happened was all a dream.
A fever dream
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Hi there!! I hope you all enjoyed this oneshot I made, even if I think this is one of the worst crackfics I ever made. Also, everyone, say happy birthday to roach!! Its their birthday today! 🥳🎉🎂🎁
I hope you have an awesome birthday today, and I hope I made you laugh!🎈 Thank you for reading and thank you for all the support you've given me!
And to the rest, thank all of you so much for reading this aswell and see you soon!
--2 may