As the wind sings tunes of lost potential in the dusty autumn weather, I cautiously enter through the door of a once-familiar place.
I lay down the enticing bottle of Rosé on the marble kitchen counter and then take a moment to register my surroundings. The first thing I notice is a framed picture of my firstborn; Billy, cuddled up next to his dad. One couldn't possibly guess that the two didn't get along at first.
Billy couldn't stand the sight of Olli and vice versa - It was a miracle if you found them both in the same room.
The one time Olli got sick and Billy wouldn't leave his side. They remained inseparable from that day, until Billy left us due to old age. I don't think I ever recovered from that.
I continue to walk around the kitchen, only now realizing that I never truly got to admire the intricate details that perfectly melded together to birth the stunning finishings and design.
The house is still furnished. That surprises me because I was here when everything was getting packed up to be sold. In fact, I remember the day we found a buyer, it was the same day I had to pack my bags and figure out what I was going to do with my life.
It was the same day Zoe was conceived - in an empty house.
I have many questions but I don't know if I'll gain anything by asking them.
Still in the kitchen, I find myself standing in a spot that brings about a memory I've learned to drown out, except this time I seem to be out of practice. It doesn't take long for the graphic images to flash before my eyes, causing a numbness in my feet.
I slide down the side of the counter and soon surrender my body to the tiled floor.
A bang suddenly sounds at the door, causing my eyes to travel in the direction. A muscular figure makes his way toward me.
The man looks like he belongs on a displayed picture in an art museum. I know I'm married but I'm not blind. I mean it's not like he would find me attractive anyway, my own husband can't even bear the sight of me.
Concern is clearly laced in the depths of his chocolate eyes as he angles closer. He tries to hide it, likely because he doesn't want to trigger a defense from me.
"Hey, you didn't come out for your run this morning, and Jess said you didn't come to work. I came to check if you're... Izzy? Izzy, can you hear me?"
The incoherent mumbles merge with the elevated sound of my beating heart. My breath heightens as the sudden tears fog up my eyes. It doesn't take long for the lights to go out, and what only feels like seconds later, the lights are turned back on and I seem to be in a tub completely drenched.
The next words manage to slip through my lips,
"It's our anniversary today. 15th of September. We started dating exactly 8 years ago today. And this year marks 10 years since I've known him. We were happy once. Really happy. Now he can't even look at me."
"He doesn't touch me. He doesn't want me."
I blink out the newly forming tears and I'm soon back to the present - sitting on the cold tiled floor alone with tears streaming down my face. As soon as I stand, my attention immediately diverts to the bottle whose contents crave the warmth of my throat. I waste no time grabbing it.
But as I open the cork that stiffens at my familiar touch, something odd happens - I let go of the bottle altogether.
This moment, this exact place... it all feels painfully traditional. Perhaps the memory of my almost fatal consumption has ruined the habit for me.
What would have happened had Evin not burst into the house that evening? If he hadn't helped me empty the toxic contents from my stomach and carried me into a tub filled with cold water?
What if I didn't make it?
I don't want to die. My daughter needs me. I need me.
I finally return my attention to the Rosé I brought to help me get through the day, but instead of consuming it, I empty it into the sink, making sure to free every last drop.
Whatever benefit came from the toxic substance is not worth leaving my Zoe behind. I have to find another way to cope - my life literally depends on it.
I spend the next few moments doing what I came here to do, cleaning our new home. The official move is in a few days and I want the house to be in perfect condition for when Zoe sees it for the first time. Just because I don't have the best memories here doesn't mean she can't too.
Moving into the house means I won't have to worry about rent anymore, which happened to be where most of my salary went to.
I truly feel indebted to Olli for this incredible favor and I plan to repay him eventually. I've decided I want to go back to school - to get myself a diploma so I can get a good job. I want Zoe to know that giving up is never an option.
As I continue with the task at hand, I soon hear,
"I thought it was you, I had to make sure."
I turn to face my intruder, realizing I left the front door open.
"Evin... hey. It is me indeed."
My voice is a little too high-pitched for my liking. I try to play it off by clearing my throat.
Even though Evin and I work at the same place, we've barely seen each other the past week since our last encounter. It feels too normal with us at this stage.
He's been avoiding me and I've been avoiding him too. My reason is I've been ashamed to face him, to look at him in the eye and tell him I made a mistake by rejecting him. But a part of me feels like that was for the best.
He's my boss, nothing good could've ever come from that... what's the saying about mixing business with pleasure?
"So..."
He looks around as he begins to say, almost wanting me to answer his question before he asks it.
I conform.
"Yes, I'm moving back in."
The familiar disappointment in his eyes makes a sharp return, prompting a need for me to explain further.
"We're not back together. He's uhm... he's still getting married. The house we were staying in wasn't safe so he offered for us to move back here."
"We?"
The genuine curiosity as he asks makes me realize he doesn't actually know I have a daughter. I don't think I've ever mentioned Zoe to him, not really. I think he's been more open to me than I have been to him - something I want to change.
A smile shelters my face as I say my next words,
"Yes. Me and my daughter, her name is Zoe and she's the most precious thing in my life."
My voice gets emotional as I say.
Zoe has truly been the light at the end of the tunnel. My why.
The smile on my face must be contagious because Evin soon mimics it.
"Zoe sounds delightful."
He starts.
"Izzy, I really don't want to make you uncomfortable, so please stop me at any time if I'm pushing too hard. I hate to bring this up again, but I see you as more than just an employee. You've caught my eye from the very first moment I saw you.
I don't want to lose out on this, I don't want to lose out on you. But if you don't see yourself with me, I promise I will never bring this up again. I just want to know where we stand."
It's clear to me his words were hard to utter. Evin's recent openness has been a pleasant surprise.
Instead of providing an answer to him, I decide to follow his lead.
"Do you remember the night I almost OD'd?"
"On your anniversary."
He remembers, of course he remembers.
"I tried to kiss you and you denied me."
I can see the shame in his eyes but that's the last thing I want him to feel. It later made me respect him more, but that's not the point of my reveal.
"I felt so ugly, so unwanted... and drunk, I was a mess. After you left, I called an ex... and..."
This is harder than I thought it would be. I'd never felt so low in my life and I regretted that decision the second I made it. I thought cheating would make me feel better but it made me feel worse.
"You don't have to say it. I was there, I remember how broken you were. You shouldn't have been left like that to start with, not on your anniversary or any other day. Izzy, you deserve a man who's going to notice you. A man who will prioritize you and make you feel valued.
I hated seeing you like that and I wanted more than anything to take your pain away."
He walks closer to me as he finishes.
I could cry right now. Evin is like the gift that keeps on giving. Every time I think I've figured him out, he surprises me.
As I melt at his lovely words, my peripheral catches a glimpse of the last person I would've expected to see today. My ex-husband walks into my new home like he owns the place. I guess I should start expecting that since he does own it.
I don't have to ask if he heard Evin's words. I know he did.
His gaze shifts between the two of us as he walks closer, no doubt wondering if something ever happened between Evin and I when we were married. Nothing did but I wouldn't blame him for wondering.
He probably remembers times when I would intentionally make him feel like something was going on. This was admittedly to make him jealous. I thought by doing that, I would finally get my husband's attention.
This was back when I was certain he was cheating with his assistant. I later learned that he wasn't... Olli could never cheat on me and I was a fool to believe otherwise. It turned out he was going through his own demons, demons I wish he would've told me about.
I let him think I was cheating because it was the only time I would get a reaction out of my husband. I loved seeing him jealous because it meant he still cared.
It meant that despite our endless problems, he wouldn't let another man take me away.
Little did he know that Evin wouldn't let anything happen between us even if I begged him. In fact, I did beg him that night.
His exact words in response were,
"I want you, I do, believe me. But not like this. Not so hurt...and not married."
I hated hearing those words then but I appreciate them today. They showed me the kind of a man he is.
An unnerving heaviness settles in the air after Olli's entrance. His eyes shine with confusion and traces of anger. I already know what he's thinking, I can see the wheels turning in his head.
A part of me wants to explain myself to him - a force of habit. But I don't do that.
I instead say,
"Hey,"
Finally prompting Evin to take notice of our intruder.
I watch the two men as they shake hands, pretending to care for each other's existence but that couldn't be further from reality. Olli and Evin have despised each other since the day they met, but I'm glad they can act like adults.
The tension, however, never once wavers even with all the smiles on their faces.
"Congrats on the engagement."
I don't seem to be the only one caught off guard by Evin's sudden statement.
Olli looks confused after his words. Like someone who didn't know they were indeed engaged.
I tilt my head slightly at his reaction. He surely must know that I know, right? Even if Sophia didn't tell him about her little visit, he must've seen my text.
An eternity later, his eyes finally land on me and I'm certain he's about to rebuke the engagement claim, but he instead says,
"Uh, yeah... thanks."
I ignore my heart getting ripped into countless pieces.
This is what I needed to finally move on - a confirmation. Even though I knew he was engaged, it didn't feel real because he never confirmed it. Now I know.
"I came to see if you needed help with getting the house ready."
I hear him say, likely to break the deafening silence after his words.
"Oh, that's sweet of you. But I'm all good. Evin is staying a bit longer because we have a date later. I'm sure he'll be happy to help."
I respond to him, coincidentally answering my boss's earlier question. Maybe the second part wasn't really necessary but I think it lays the ground for what he should expect moving forward.
He can't just show up whenever he wants and confuse my feelings anymore.
I'm grateful for his kind gesture of allowing us to stay in the house, and I wouldn't have chosen a better baby's father if I could, but our romantic chapter is closed and I needed to somehow solidify that.
If it wasn't official before, it is now - Olli and I are over.