Do you ever pass the time by thinking about a lost friendship? In most cases, I'd say that I don't dwell on that stuff - but that's only because they were never really good friends or people in the first place. However, there is one that constantly slips into my mind. In terms of friends, he's the one who got away.
Steve Harrington.
We were best friends when we were in diapers and for several years after that. I knew everything about him, and he knew everything about me. Nobody ever knew us better than we knew each other. We were thick as thieves when we didn't have a care in the world - that's why losing him as a friend still stings to this day.
It's not like we had some big falling out. We just kinda grew apart. I didn't think that was possible. I'd never tell anyone, but I've shed many tears over this. If younger me was told how things turned out, she wouldn't believe you. It pains me to think about that innocent little girl getting the rug pulled out from under her.
High school is a whole beast, one far worse than the ones we used to 'fight' in the backyard. It can and will change you for better or worse. Steve fell into the popular crowd. He turned into a bad person, a bully who was at the top of the social ladder. This wasn't him. I could tell his newfound friends had a grasp on him, making him almost unrecognisable. Almost. I always held out hope that the Steve Harrington I once knew was still in there somewhere.
Where Steve thrived, I was fighting to survive. I didn't really fit it, and it took a long time for me to find somewhere I could safely exist. I thought about doing photography with Jonathan Byers, but I opted out after I watched some basketball player throw his camera at a wall - and that was before Steve broke his next camera. The idea of being cornered by someone stronger than me and having a camera that I can't afford to replace be broken chased me away from that plan.
Eventually, I landed on band class. That was the best decision I ever made. That's where I met Robin Buckley. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I knew there was something special about her. For one, she was nice to when nobody cared to show common decency. She was a breath of fresh air, and I clung to her like I was running out of oxygen. We quickly grew close - it's us against the world. After a while, Robin felt she could trust me enough to tell me her deepest darkest secret. My stunned silence scared her. In truth, I was freaking out because I realised we had something else in common, but I couldn't find the words. I never intended on coming out to her that day, but I'm glad I did. I love Robin. To this day, she's the only person who knows the truth.
When Robin first told me that she had started working with Steve, my brain was fried. Did I tell her about our history? Would Steve be the same as he was in high school? Should I ever visit her at work? Robin could tell that his name had sparked something in me, so I told her everything. She was a tad surprised before I clarified it was before high school horrors.
I never did go to Scoops when Steve was there. It feels stupid to admit it, but I've been scared to run into him. Considering how close we once were, it feels ridiculous to be anxious to see him. It used to be what I looked forward to. A lot had changed, and I just wasn't ready, no matter how much Robin said he had changed. I was desperate to be like we used to, but I just couldn't bring myself to face him. I still remember when Robin dropped the bomb that Steve was once again aware of my existence.
"You know, he talks about you all the time." She broke the silence as I turned the page in the book I was reading on her bed.
"Who does?" I refrained from starting the new page as I wondered where this conversation would leave.
"Steve." I can't really explain it, but my heart sunk at the mention of his name.
"Why's he talking about me? What's he saying?" I worried about a potential rumour.
"A few weeks ago, I may have let it slip that I know you. I told him we were close friends, but that's it, I promise!" I let out a sigh of relief as she rambled her reassurance. "His eyes lit up like Christmas lights. He's told me a whole bunch of stories." She grinned like a fool.
"Oh, no." I scrunched my eyes with a chuckle as my mind flicked through the catalogue of memories. "What's he told you?"
"How you guys would go to space and save the world." I just smile as I think of all the times we did that stuff. "He also told me about the time you guys were so mad at your parents that you turned your anger into a competition to see who could stay underwater the longest."
"I was so mad at Steve after that. I had already won, but I wanted to see how far I could push it. Steve wasn't thrilled with that idea and pulled me to the surface before it was too late because he panicked." I recalled, remembering every emotion I felt.
"Stubborn as ever." Robin jested as she moved from her desk and sat beside me.
"Hey, we were 9! I was completely ready to die on that hill - or rather in his pool." We just giggled.
"He's always asking about you." She continued as the laughter died down. "Wanting to know that you're okay. He really misses you. Even a blind man could see that. And who can blame him? I miss you every time I close my eyes."
After so many years apart, a big part of me was shocked to learn that Steve still cared about me. I hadn't talked about a memory like that in such a long time. I was a mess of emotions, though I tried to hide it. After that conversation, I spent some time convincing myself to go to Scoops and talk to Steve. The next thing I knew, the mall burned down before I got a single scoop. Maybe it was a sign that the time wasn't right. I don't know.
Everything suddenly became hectic after that. Even though I finally felt ready, I just never had the time because I was trying to get everything sorted out. After a job hunting struggle, Robin landed at Family Video. Naturally, Steve followed. It's a lot less busy than Scoops, but it sounds like they spent more time goofing off than working. Maybe Family Video is the better fit.
Today is the day. After years, I'm finally going to face Steve again. I told Robin that I'd pick her up after work. That way, I'm more likely to stick to my word. I've been parked outside of the Family Video for about 20 minutes, trying to control my nerves. I always thought that Steve would be the first person I came out to, but everything changed so fast that I never got the chance. He accepted Robin. I can only hope he'd accept me. Do I even tell him? We haven't spoken in years. I'll see how things go.
"Come on, Y/N." I mutter to myself.
With a deep breath, I exit my car and try to shake things off as I approach the store. Why am I so riddled with anxiety? It's Steve. The same Steve who ran to me crying because Joe Parker threw the flower he picked on the floor when we were 4. The same Steve who comforted me when some teenagers destroyed my sandcastle when we were 7. The same Steve who always knew where to find me when I was upset and who would stay with me in my tree house for hours on end as if the rest of the world didn't exist. It's Steve. It's gonna be okay.
"No way! Y/N!" He springs to life.
"Hey, Harrington!" Immediately, my nerves fizzle away at his childlike excitement.
"I can't believe you're here, I haven't seen you in years." He rushes around the counter and engulfs me in a tight hug.
"I know." I take in the familiar feeling.
"How are you?" He asks as he returns to his position.
"Good. Constantly stressed and overwhelmed, but good." I lean against the counter.
"I hear that."
"How've you been?"
"The same, honestly. Get to hang out with Robin all day, so that's a blast."
"I love Robin."
"Yeah, she's pretty awesome. We talk about you constantly."
"Sounds like you've told her my entire life story."
"I had to. Some of my favourite memories have you in them." I knew he was still a softie.
"Same here. Hey, do you remember when we carved our names into the wall of the tree house?" I get a burst of energy.
"Uh, yeah! We destroyed those gorgonzola goblins!"
"Probably gave ourselves diabetes in a single afternoon with that sugar rush. They never stood a chance against us." There's a brief and peaceful quiet as we take a moment to reminisce.
"Why did we ever stop hanging out?" Steve asks the dreaded question with a hint of sadness in his eyes.
"High school happened. You were popular, and I wasn't. We kinda just drifted apart. It sucks, but it happens. I always held onto hope there was some of the old Steve still in there somewhere. I know there was probably an element of peer pressure going on. There always is in high school."
"Yeah, I turned into a real dick." He looks down with regret. "I'm sorry. I never should've ditched you."
"It wasn't all bad." I shrug. "I don't think I would've gotten to know Robin if that didn't happen. Now I can't imagine Robin not being in my life." I begin to tear up but manage to keep my composure as I prepare to unveil something even Robin doesn't know. "You know, I've lost count of how many times I've sat in the tree house staring at that carving and hoping that you'd somehow sense that I wasn't okay and show up like you used to." I wipe the stray tears away.
"Why didn't you call me?"
"I was scared, Steve. Scared that things would be different, that you'd moved on from us."
"I've missed you more than I ever thought I could miss someone. I looked for you at graduation but I couldn't find you. I did run into your parents, though."
"They knew your parents wouldn't show up. They didn't want you to think that there was nobody there for you." I leave out the part where I asked them to check on him.
"I'll always appreciate that."
"Sorry I didn't stick around. I just had to get out of there."
"I totally get it."
"I slept in the tree house that night. I thought everything was over. I always imagined that we'd both be there talking about all the things we'd do together, but obviously, that didn't happen. I cried because things hadn't turned out the way I planned, and I had no idea what I was supposed to do next. We used to be attached at the hip, but for years, we've been strangers. I don't want you to be a stranger anymore, Steve."
"Then I won't be. I'll hang around so much that you'll wish you could get rid of me." He brings the energy back. "I let you go once, I'm not gonna make that mistake again."
"It's good to have you back, Stevie." I used to call him that all the time.
"You too, Y/N/N." He hugs me again, letting it linger as a sense of comfort washes over us. Clearly, we needed this. "I'm not friends with those assholes anymore, by the way."
"That's a relief." I sigh before pulling away. "Maybe we can finally take care of those mozzarella mephits." I reference an unfinished mission of ours.
"We gotta drown them with marinara!" He's clearly thought about this.
"They won't know what hit 'em."
"And now I'm hungry." We burst into laughter, which gets interrupted by a familiar voice appearing from the back.
"You might as well buy it at this point."
"You should be happy I'm giving you business, Robin." They walk over to the front of the store. "Oh, hey, Y/N."
"Hey, Dustin." I didn't expect to see him.
"How do you know Henderson?" Steve questions.
"I used to babysit him."
"Well, thanks for passing that responsibility to me."
"What?"
"I'll explain later." He shrugs it off.
"It was good to see you, but I have to go."
"Tell your mom I said hi."
"I will. Bye, guys." Dustin rushes out, leaving the 3 of us alone in the store.
"Well, if it isn't my favourite people finally interacting again. So, what did I miss?" Robin asks with a hopeful smile as she leans against the counter beside me with Steve on the other side.
"Nothing much, just a quick catch up." I keep it brief.
"Yeah, don't worry, it's not like we were making out while you were dealing with Dustin." Robin and I look at each other, immediately cracking up at the thought. If he only knew. "What's so funny?" His confusion only makes us laugh harder. "I'm so confused."
"It was more of a walk down memory lane than anything." I avoid the topic as I come back to reality.
"Yeah, it was a nice surprise."
"See, I told you it'd be fine." Robin revels in being right.
"Yeah, yeah. We didn't kiss, but we did make up. I'm just glad we can finally reconnect and make up for lost time."
"Yeah, me too. Just try not to fall in love with me." Did he actually just say that?
"Don't worry, that won't be a problem." With a surge of misplaced confidence, I grab Robin's hand, catching her off guard as indicated by her wide eyes.
"Wait, are you serious? Robin, why didn't you tell me?" I think this is a good reaction. I hope.
"Because I wasn't about to out her. Plus you know her family. And I know you'd never do it intentionally, but I couldn't risk it getting back to them." Robin explains in a flustered state. "Besides, it's not for me to tell." She stares into my soul with love in her eyes for the final line.
"I love you so much." I plant a tender kiss on her lips, almost forgetting that Steve is here.
"I love you too." She gazes at me with glossed over eyes as she squeezes my hand with a mix of reassurances and her own anxiety.
"You don't hate me or think I'm disgusting now, do you?" I question, keeping my tight grip on Robin's hand as I'm unable to fully read Steve's expression.
"What? No, of course not. I just can't believe this has happened to me twice." A quick glance at Robin confirms that she did it first. "How long have you guys been together?" He shows curiosity instead of resentment.
"Before Scoops." Robin turns to me as we figure out how long it's been.
"Yeah, like 3 years."
"3 years!" Steve can't believe he missed the signs. "Wow, we really do have a lot to catch up on. I'm happy for you guys. And this doesn't change anything between us. And I swear on Dustin's life that I won't tell a soul." It's as if he can still read my mind.
"Thank you." I try to keep my composure as emotions run high.
I've kept such a big secret to myself for so many years. Before today, Robin was the only person who knew and who saw me for who I truly am. In a time of such intense homophobia, it's good to know that Steve has my back, even after so much time apart. It's practically impossible to contain the tears given the circumstances.
After a group hug, I invite Steve to join Robin and I for dinner at my place. As I've gotten older, my parents have become more and more like Steve's. I feel like I rarely see them anymore, yet I'm stuck in the same old place, having to be self-sufficient. At least it's a true safe space for Robin and I to just exist because they aren't there to exile us.
We each pick out a movie after Steve declares a sleepover. Steve seems eager to pick out Fast Times because 'we all like boobies,' those were his exact words. My face feels like it's on fire, and Robin turns a shade of red that I've only seen in a couple of other circumstances. Nonetheless, we just go with it because we think he's doing his best. Once we've established that we have everything and can close up the store, Steve pulls out a shocker of a one-liner as he heads to the door, keys in hand.
"Alright, let's go lesbians." Now he's trying too hard.
"Maybe don't say that in public." I'm thrown off.
"Or ever." Robin scolds him with a glare as we follow him out the door. I just laugh.
Hopping in our cars, Steve follows me with confidence in the location. The entire ride home, Robin and I gush over each other and how well things went. When we arrive home, we drop our stuff in the living room and waste no time in racing to the tree house. However, Robin hangs back to let us have our moment. She's the best.
"Oh my god! It looks exactly the same! There's the carving!" Steve exclaims with his childlike wonder as he goes in ahead of me.
"I know. I couldn't bring myself to change it." I follow him, and we automatically sit in our old spots. "Everything has changed so much and so fast. I wanted this to be a place where I could escape all that."
"I love that."
"I thought you would. We have so many memories in here." I feel like I haven't stopped smiling since I walked into Family Video.
"Are those the blankets we dragged up here when we thought we were grown up enough to move out and live together?" He points to the tangled mess of fabrics.
"What gave it away? The look or the smell?" I quip since they've never been washed.
"Both." His laugh turns into a quick grimace as the smell hits him. "We gave up after a week because we got too cold, even when we cuddled for warmth."
"We were 10 and very stupid, especially considering that it was the end of November." We chuckle at our foolish naivety. "How about that time you almost burnt the place down when you brought me that birthday cupcake?" I lean against the wall with my legs over his.
"Why did I light the candle before climbing the ladder?" Steve face-palms.
"You were 13, you were probably trying to impress me or something."
"I'll have you know that it was a month until I turned 14!" He starts pointing furiously.
"Yeah, so you were still 13."
"I was almost 14!" He raises his voice semi-seriously.
"Steve." I stare at him being a child as we recreate a similar conversation we had at the time.
"Y/N." He stares goofily.
"You're such a dingus." I giggle at his lunacy.
"Did Robin tell you to say that?" He's stone-faced.
"No, you just are one." The fit of giggles continue.
"She did, didn't she?"
"No, she's just called you a dingus so many times that it's the first thing I thought of."
"Sounds about right." He jokingly rolls his eyes. "Can I ask you a personal question?" That's enough to wipe the smile from my face.
"I can probably guess where this is going, but ask away."
"When did you know?" He asks lowly. Suddenly, it's impossible for me to make eye contact as I fiddle with the rings Robin got me.
"I knew something about me was different when we were 10, I just wasn't sure what. I'd always see these older girls who seemed like they owned the world with their confidence and stunning looks. I didn't know if I wanted to be them or be with them. Turns out it was both, not that I knew that until years later." I stare at my hands, feeling so exposed and terrified that I'll say the wrong thing.
"If you knew back then, why did you kiss me on your 14th birthday?" Somehow, I still kissed him about an hour after he almost roasted us alive.
"From the moment we learn to walk, it's drilled into us that we're supposed to find a nice guy to fall in love with and marry and start a family with. For so long, I couldn't understand why I didn't share the same dreams and obsession over boys as the other girls. I thought that there was something wrong with me - that I was broken. I thought that if I kissed you, then I'd be cured. I didn't want to just go for any boy and be stuck in drama and rumours. I chose you because you were my best friend and I trusted you with my life. I wish I had just told you how I was feeling. Now I realise I was hurting you by stringing you along, and I'm sorry."
By this point, my voice is shaky, and my vision is blurry. I blink it away best I can before finally looking up. In doing so, I notice that steve is also teary-eyed as he realises my years of suffering and how this stuff was going on even when we'd spend every second together. Without another word, Steve shuffles over to my side of the tree house, sits to my left, and puts an arm around me. I rest my head on his shoulder, exhausted from hiding for so long.
"I don't blame you for anything. You didn't know what to do. You were never broken. It just felt that way because of how the world is wired. I'm not gonna sit here and pretend I know how it's been for you, but I'm here for you no matter what. And if that kiss helped you figure out who you are, then I'm honoured you chose me."
"Thanks for being the best friend I ever had. Whoever ends up with you is gonna be one lucky son of a bitch."
"I'm glad you think so."
"If Robin and I can find each other when we have to be so careful and secretive, you'll find someone in no time. I love you to death. I won't be the only one." I reassure him.
"Love you too." He gives me a small smile and a gentle squeeze.
"Steve?"
"Yeah?"
"Come by anytime. Tree house is always open. It's invitation only, so you're special."
"How exclusive."
"I can give you a spare key to the actual house if you want."
"Be careful with these offers. I might just move in." He jokes.
"I fail to see an issue, though Robin would probably kill you after a week since she practically lives here already."
"We spend every day together. If she was gonna kill me, she would've done it by now." For the first time since we got here, there's an elongated comfortable silence as we enjoy each other's company. After a busy day, this moment of peace is enough to almost make me drift off where I sit. That is, until an outside voice breaks the silence.
"Uh, guys? You've been up there for a while now, and it's getting pretty lonely down here. Plus, I'm starving, so can we order food and watch the movies now?"
"We'll be down in a minute!" I call down to her.
We muster up the energy to leave and rejoin Robin. Throughout the rest of the night, it's like we've picked up where we left off. I never thought the day would come where I reconnect with Steve, or that he'd know my biggest secret. Hopefully, these repetitive stress dreams of Steve being mad at me and the clock, making me think time is running out before my secret is revealed and I become a pariah will go away now that I've taken this leap. The healing process starts now.