"So you're saying you now have feelings for the guy you hated only a few days ago?"
I nodded.
Clair and Justin stared at me utterly confused.
"How did that happen?" Justin asked.
I covered my face with my hands. "He saved me from those guys..."
"And?"
"I was so shaken up, but then he saved me? He comforted me? He... hugged me?"
That seemed to have really surprised Clair. "He hugged you?""
I nodded, face still covered. "He seemed human enough then. And today, I had detention because of another tardy. He ended up being there too."
"And?"
"I couldn't meet his eyes, because that's when I realized how I felt about him for him for saving me like that. But he didn't like it."
"Didn't like what?" Justin asked.
"He didn't like that I was ignoring him. So he demanded that I look at him and thank him for what he did. But I was scared."
"Why were you scared?"
"Because my heart was reacting to everything about him. And I knew for sure that if I looked at him, I'd fall for him like every other girl in school. I ended up cornered against the wall when I tried to get away, and then he made me look up at him. And when I did..."
They both waited for me to continue, but my heart was pounding so fast at the clear memory of it, that I felt like I needed encouragement.
"What happened?"
"He kissed me." I mumbled.
"What?" Both of them seemed to not have heard me well.
"He—" I removed my hands and looked up at them, raising my voice a little higher. "He kissed me."
They stared at me now really stunned.
"But it wasn't like a romantic kiss or anything. Once he started kissing me, it suddenly felt like he was set on cutting off all my breathing. I nearly suffocated. I didn't understand what he did at all. The kisses that I had come across between him and other girls, they were never that aggressive. Then something worse happened. Before he left, he told me to never come near him again. I guessed that's how he ends things with other girls too."
Justin and Clair looked at each other, as if they were talking telepathically. They both seemed to agree on something and smiled.
Justin came to sit next to me on the couch. He held my hand and said, "Most men are really simple minded Carly, but not to that point."
"Then why did he kiss me like that? Why did he get angry and tell me to never come near him again."
"Your second question, I'm not one hundred percent sure about it. As for the first, it's pretty simple. You see, out of all the girls in North Lake high, you were the only one who refused that guy, and it's a guy's natural instinct to chase what he can't have. Especially if it's worth it. He probably thought 'She's a hard one to get. I might never get this chance again'. It was probably as much of a goodbye kiss as it was your first."
"Meaning...?"
Justin shrugged. "It could mean anything really. I don't live inside his head, so I won't know for sure. But as far as what you feel for him, I could only advise you," to stay away from a player like him, is what I thought he would say, but instead he said. "to not give up. High school is all about taking a risk. So just follow your heart and have fun."
It was funny how much he sounded like Carly. Him saying it meant two votes. And two votes were enough to get me motivated to try with him again.
The next day in first period, I smiled at him and said hi when he sat in his seat.
He ignored me.
I took out the extra pencil I brought with me today and offered it to him. "Didn't you say I was your supply closet? Here you go."
But he didn't take it. Instead, he got up from his seat, taking his stuff with him and walked over to the girl he exchanged seats with in the beginning of the year.
He slammed his books on the desk. "Get out of my seat."
I stared at him, hurt. He was so cold.
The terrified girl quickly gathered her things and rushed back to the seat next to me.
Later that day, I was walking to my eighth period class when I saw him coming my way with a friend of his. I smiled, happy to see him again since we didn't share many classes together.
I stopped walking. "Hi."
As if I were a ghost, he kept on walking with his friend, talking and laughing, and completely ignoring me all together. If not for his friend glancing at me, I would have really thought I was a ghost.
I turned around and watched his back as he walked away. I didn't like it, not at all. My heart beat anxiously for him. Even though that kiss was suffocating, I'd still touch my lips and think, Alex's lips were there...
Maybe I was one of those girls who fell too hard too fast. Maybe I fooled myself by his temporary kindness since it was so unusual. But I didn't care. I didn't care if I was going to get called crazy. I didn't care if I was going to get bullied for it. I didn't care that he was ignoring me. I didn't care if people around me became judgmental. I had feelings for him and those feelings were honest. And maybe I'm being judgmental myself, but it was clear to me that all of the girls who throw themselves at him so easily didn't deserve him.
I could make him happy. I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to get a chance at making him happy. And I'm going to work for that chance until I'm properly rejected. Then... honestly I don't even know what I would do if that happened.
I decided to start watching him play baseball after school. So today I went over to the baseball field and silently watched behind the fence. The more I watched, the more I saw him smile. The more I saw him smile, the more I smiled and fell harder for him.
And so that's what happened for the next few days, I'd secretly watch him from the back, then take a dash for it when he finishes up. Little by little, it was as if these were our little one sided dates.
Then one day, that all changed.
I was standing behind the fence smiling crazily at the hit he just did, so high, looking up at it made my eyes almost go blind by the sun. That's not the reason why I was so happy. It was really because of his sudden exhilaration that was plastered all over his face in a big smile. It made my heart pound with excitement.
And then my phone rang.
His head snapped my way that very second, looking at me and blinking in confusion at my presence. The smile he had on his face vanished, and I thought to myself, that's it. He'll just pick up his things and leave now.
Instead, he turned back around and resumed playing, as if I wasn't there.
That should have annoyed me just a little, but it didn't. I was so happy that I entered the field and sat on the bleachers instead. He didn't know it, but ignoring me, to me, it was like he had given me permission to be there.
Two days later, I was running happily around the field collecting the balls for him.
This seemed to bother him. His face yelled the words I don't need your help. But he didn't say anything out loud, so I didn't stop.
"Great job today!" I praised when he finished up. "You're the king of baseball."
I sat on the city bus staring out of the window. I had recently starting taking two city buses to get home. One that will drop me downtown and the other drops me off at the drug store near my house.
"You ran around the field until your clothes were soaked with sweat?" Clair said, clearly shocked with disgust.
"Yup."
She groaned. "Take a shower as soon as you get home. Focus on scrubbing your back especially."
"'Kay." I remembered back all the happy faces he made when he got a good hit. "But you know, it was really worth it."
"Usually that's how it is with first love. I really don't recommend the fall hard, too fast equation of it at all. Most of the time it fails enormously. And for it to be your first, that makes it all that much worse. At your age, any guy who tells you they love you, or shows you that he cares, or makes you feel like you're the apple of his eye, you'll automatically assume he's your prince charming."
"I know Clair. I learned a lot of unsaid things from you, you know. For now, I'm just going to make him see me as a friend. I won't take our relationship any further if he's going to treat me like the bottom of his shoes behind my back. I'll figure it out. I promise."
"I'll trust you for now. But be careful. Don't follow your heart like Justin told you so foolishly. Use it to your advantage. Do your homework about the boy. Then only submit your work when all of the answers make sense."
I decided, soon, I'm going to at the very least confront him to see why he started ignoring me all of the sudden. Out of a kiss he led.