"Go easy on the hugs, mate." Charles laughs as I squeeze him, leaning my head on his chest as he wraps his arms around me. I smile as I breathe in the scent of his cologne. I've missed him so much.
He had to stay in hospital over night for observation or some rubbish like that because he apparently passed out on the way there. So Max brought me home this morning, and I'm going to spend tonight at his house. I didn't know Charles was going to be coming home tonight.
"Time for bed kid. You've got school in the morning." Max says, walking up behind us and smiling slightly. I sigh and let go of Charles.
"But Charles has just got home. Let me stay up late. Please." I whine, throwing my head back slightly and looking up at Max who shakes his head.
"You suck. Why couldn't I have gone home with Lando?" I ask, slight anger in my voice. Max furrows his eyebrows slightly and looks at me.
"Because Lando is basically still a child. He couldn't look after a thirteen year old girl for the night. You'd both die." Max states, raising his eyebrows at me. I give him a dirty look before walking up the stairs, to the guest bedroom where I'm staying tonight.
My phone buzzes and I look at the notification. It's Ella. Why can't she just piss off and leave me alone?
Ella:
'You fucking snitch.'
'You just wait until tomorrow.'
'I'll have your head
smashed in.'
I take a deep breath and throw my phone down on the bed before closing my eyes and tilting my head back to prevent myself from crying.
I quickly change into my pyjamas, before sitting down on the bed, pulling my knees up to my chest. I look down at my wrist. It's all my fault. Everything that happens is my fault. I ruin everything.
I take the phone case off my phone, a little silver blade from a pencil sharpener falls out onto the bed. I pick it up and take a deep breath, letting a few tears slip, before dragging it across my skin.
The blood begins to seep out of the wounds, as I just stare at my wrist, the tears in my eyes making my vision blurry. My ears are ringing as I struggle to focus. It feels like the world is falling apart all around me.
I hear some faint knocking, it echoing through my head, making my head feel like it is about to explode. I ignore it as I drag the blade across the inside of my forearm, pressing down harder so it goes deeper. It hurts so much.
"Em?" I hear someone say. It sounds more like a whisper. I don't know if that's because they are whispering or because my ears are ringing and I can't hear very well. "Emilie." The voice comes again, slightly louder this time, concern laced into their voice.
A large hand grabs mine, pulling the blade out of my grip with the other. I take a deep breath, tears running down my face as I look up to be met with Charles crouched down at the side of the bed, resting his elbows on the mattress next to me and holding my hand in a firm grip. He places the blade on the little table next to the bed.
"Emilie." He repeats, squeezing my hand slightly, trying to bring me back to reality. My eyes manage to focus as he wipes away my tears with his thumb. He looks scared and worried for me. I take a deep breath and fix my gaze on the blood making its way out of my body. There isn't much, but it still hurts.
"I'm so sorry." I whisper, tears streaming down my face once again. He shakes his head slightly, keeping his eyes on my arm.
"No baby, it's ok. Everything is going to be ok." He assures, his voice quiet and gentle. I lean my head against the backboard of the bed, and clench my eyes shut. What the fuck was I thinking? I'm so fucking stupid. My phone buzzes again, another notification from Ella. Before I can reach my phone, Charles grabs it and looks at the screen.
"Charles, give it to me." I say quietly, reaching forward, trying to grab my phone from him. He moves it backwards, away from my grasp, his eyes glued to the screen.
"Password." He states, looking at me and waiting for an answer. I take a shaky breath, reaching for my phone again. He shakes his head slightly and moves it away again, staring at me more sternly.
"16 04 33." I mutter, my eyes flicking around the room as I try to avoid eye contact. "It's my phone, give it back." I add, resting my arm on my knees and looking at my forearm.
"I'm talking to your headteacher tomorrow. You aren't being made to feel like this." He says with anger in his voice, but trying to keep himself calm in front of me.
"No, that will make it worse." I say, looking at him with slight terror in my eyes. She's already said she will smash my head in. If she finds out Charles has gone in and told the headteacher, she will kill me. Charles shows me the messages.
Ella:
'Just kill yourself before you
make me do it for you.'
'Seriously no one likes you.'
'Everyone would be so much
happier if you died.'
"Come on. I need to cover those up so they don't get infected." Charles says softly, standing up from his crouched position and grabbing the blade off the table next to him. I shake my head and attempt to hide my arm.
"Em, it's not safe. I need to put a bandage on your arm." He says slightly firmer, pulling the covers off me and looking down at me with sympathy in his eyes.
"I'm fine. Just please go away." I whisper, tears welling up in my eyes. I'm going to have no tears left to cry soon. I'm so emotional. It's pathetic.
"Emilie, it's not an option. Come downstairs now." He insists, a worried but also stern look on his face. I hate this. Why did he have to walk in? I sigh quietly before standing up off the bed and walking downstairs in front of him. He slides my phone into his trouser pocket.
"Sit in the living room. I'll just be a minute." He smiles at me slightly, placing a comforting hand on my back before letting me walk in. I don't want Max to ask what is happening. He looks at me confusedly.
"Why aren't you in bed? It's nearly eleven o'clock." He asks, furrowing his eyebrows and pausing the tv when I walk in. I ignore him and take a seat as far away as possible, resting my hands in my lap as I try not to let anymore tears escape.
Charles walks in, a first aid kit in his hand. Why does Max have a first aid kit in his house? It's actually quite weird. I've never seen anyone have more than a box of plasters and some paracetamol in their kitchen cupboard.
He takes a seat next to me, opening the box and putting it on the sofa beside him. I hold my arm close to my chest, trying to hide it. Charles has already seen everything so I don't exactly know why I'm trying to keep it secret from him, but it's mostly that I don't want Max to know.
"What has she done?" Max asks, leaning forward to see past me and look at Charles. I look at Charles, a glint in my eyes begging him not to tell Max anything. He glances down at me but ignores the pleading look in my eyes.
"She cut herself. Intentionally." He sighs, reaching towards me and gently grabbing my hand, pulling my arm into him so the outside of my forearm is resting on his thigh. He holds my arm there, so I can't move it away.
"Em? Wha- why?" He breathes, stumbling over his words slightly as he struggles to get anything out. I look down at my knees and don't say anything. I want this all to be over with.
Something cold stings the cuts on my arm as Charles wipes them with an antibiotic wipe to clean them. I wince slightly, looking at him.
"Sorry." He apologises quietly, still wiping the marks on my arm. I try to pull my hand away in order to stop it stinging - this hurts more than the thing itself - but Charles brings my hand back, getting a firmer hold on it.
"What did you do it with?" Max asks quietly, standing up off the sofa and walking over to us so he is closer. I don't answer him, and look down at my knees again.
"Charles stop. It hurts." I whisper, attempting to pull my arm away once more. He doesn't let it move, keeping a strong grip while concentrating on wiping it clean.
"I know it does darling, but it needs to be clean and bandaged." Charles says gently, reaching into the first aid box for a bandage. Max sits on the sofa next to me.
"But I've never had to clean them the other times I've done it, and I'm perfectly fine now." I argue slightly, my voice still quiet. He ignores me and opens the bandage, wrapping it around my arm, and tying it off and securing it at the end.
"What did she do it with?" Max asks Charles, looking at him and furrowing his eyebrows slightly. Charles looks at him before reaching into his pocket, pulling out my phone and the blade I did it with. He hands them both over to Max, not looking at me.
"Oh kid." Max whispers, his stare shifting from the things in his hand, to my arm, then to my eyes. I look down at my knees and shake my head slightly.
"Can you both just stop acting all sad for me? It's pissing me off." I say loudly, standing up off the sofa and standing up in front of them. Charles furrows his eyebrows at my small outburst, looking up at me.
"We are just making sure you're safe." Charles says softly, standing up off the sofa. I take a step backwards and shake my head at him.
"Can I have my phone back?" I ask, looking between both Max and Charles for an answer.
"No, because you just swore at us." He states bluntly, keeping his eyes fixed on me. I look at him with slight anger in my stare.
"But it's my phone." I argue, holding my arms out to the side. "Max, please." I whine slightly, looking at him. He just shakes his head.
"Fuck you both!" I shout before walking upstairs, making sure my feet are heavy as I walk up the stairs. I slam the bedroom door and flop down onto the bed.
•~•~•~•~•~
I walk through the school gates, my chest tight as I try not to think about Ella. I'm so scared. I know I shouldn't be since she probably won't do anything to me, but I'm still terrified.
I spot Ella stood with a big group of friends, and I avoid going near them, taking a slight detour to find Theo.
"Hey Em, you alright?" Theo asks as I walk over to him, slight fear on my face. I think he notices. I shake my head at him, tears threatening to spill if I say anything.
"What's wrong?" He asks, pulling me in for a hug as he breaks away from his group of friends to talk to me.
"I want to go home." I whisper into his chest, wrapping my arms around him and letting a few tears slip.
"Why? What's happened?" He asks, his voice full of concern as he looks down at me with worry in his eyes.
"Theo, how many fucking times do I have to tell you to get away from my girlfriend! You've got your own fucking slag!" Archie shouts from behind me, walking up to us and pushing Theo away. I immediately feel unsafe as he lets go of me, so he doesn't pull me over.
"She's upset! Let me talk to her!" Theo shouts back, pushing Archie's shoulders as he now stands in front of me, blocking me from Theo.
"She can talk to me! She doesn't need to talk to you!" Archie replies, his voice still really loud. I take a shuddering breath as I step closer to Archie. He turns around to look at me.
"Archie please." I say, my voice barely louder than a whisper. He looks at me and shakes his head.
"Why are you telling me to stop? It's him you should be telling! Not me!" He shouts at me, anger prominent in his face.
"Stop shouting at her!" Theo says loudly, pushing Archie from behind. He gives Theo a piercing look before walking away.
"Bitch." Archie mutters as he walks past me, pushing my shoulder slightly. Theo steps closer to me once again and pulls me into a tight hug.
"Tell me what's going on." He says gently, resting his head on top of mine.
"Ella said s-she was going t-to sm-smash my head in." I stutter quietly, taking deep breaths as I struggle to refrain from crying.
Theo doesn't say anything. He just continues to comfort me silently. I can feel his chest rising with every breath he takes.
My throat closes up as I struggle to breathe, my breath getting caught in my throat, not making it to my lungs. I begin to hyperventilate, my body feels like it is caving in on itself.
Theo pulls away from the hug, his whole demeanour changed from angry to genuine concern for my safety. He keeps his hands on my upper arms, to steady me.
Tears begin streaming down my face as I realise I can't breathe. Theo's eyes grow wider as he realises what's happening. I'm having a panic attack.
"I want Lando." I whisper, taking a deep breath, trying to get myself to calm down. I hate this so much. I can barely think straight. I want Lando. I only want Lando.
"Lando? Lando? Lando." Theo repeats, questioning what I'm on about, before realising. He gets my phone out of my blazer pocket and clicks on my emergency contacts.
"Charles?" He asks, looking at my phone then at me. I shake my head at him, placing my hand on my chest and taking deep, shaky breaths.
"Max?" He questions, looking down and then at me once again. I shake my head.
"Lando." He says, and I nod my head at him. He clicks on his contact and puts my phone to his ear.
"Hi, is this Lando?" Theo asks as Lando picks up the phone on the other end of the line.
"I'm Theo, Emilie's friend. She's having a really bad panic attack and she's really scared. She said that she wants you." Theo says, keeping his eyes on me to make sure I'm alright.
"Yeah, we're at school, just as you walk through the gates." He states, replying to Lando's question. "Ok, thank you." He adds, before hanging up my phone and putting it into his pocket.
"Lando is on his way. He will be a minute." Theo assures, gently grabbing my hand to comfort me. Less than a minute later, I hear the roar of Lando's McLaren pull into the car park. I can barely focus. My eyesight is blurry, and I can hear a ringing sound in my ears. I begin to hyperventilate once again.
"Sir, you can't come through here!" A teacher shouts at Lando as he barges his way through the crowd of teachers and students to reach me. I quickly walk over to him and hug him, leaning my head on his chest.
"Are you ok?" He asks, concern laced into his voice as he looks down at me, taking a slight step back to see me better.
"P-please take me h-home." I beg, tears in my eyes as I struggle to breathe still. My chest feels like it is being crushed.
"It's ok Em. Just breathe for me." He whispers, pulling me into a hug and holding my head against his chest, while rubbing his hand up and down my back comfortingly.
I wrap my arms around him and sob into his chest, my breathing slowly becoming more regular. Lando makes me feel safe.
"Ch-Charles and Max are i-in the headteacher's office, talking to the headteacher." I say, looking up at him, taking breaths as I begin to calm down.
"Ok. Let's go to the office." Lando replies quietly, breaking away from the hug and tapping my back. I keep my eyes glued to the floor, not wanting to make eye contact with Ella by accident, in case she hits me.
"I thought I saw Charles' and Max's cars in the car park." He says, looking down at me and trying to make conversation as we walk through the corridors. I just hum in response.
"So what was that panic attack about?" He asks, looking straight forward. There is a big group of people walking this way. My world goes silent as I see who is stood in the group. Ella.
"That group of people right there, they're the reason." I mutter, nodding my head toward the people in front of us. Lando's eyes lock on them as they get closer.
"I told you I would have your head smashed in. I don't go back on my promises." Ella states loudly as she approaches me. I take a sharp breath, slowing down and stepping behind Lando slightly. He gently grabs my arm, pulling me to the other side of him, away from Ella.
"Leave her alone." Lando states, standing in front of me protectively. I grip his hand, trying not to let anymore tears spill. He squeezes my hand comfortingly and I step closer to him, leaning against his arm for safety.
"Come on." He adds quietly, holding his hand in the direction we were just walking in, gesturing for me to carry on going down the corridor. I walk away while taking a deep breath and keeping my eyes fixed on the floor beneath me.
"Bye Emilie, I'll see you later." Ella calls after me tauntingly, smiling at me and waving. I ignore her and we quickly reach the headteacher's office.