Intro:
You're alright, Larusso was written by jessiwritesstories. It is a Karate Kid fanfic and a teacher AU between Daniel Larusso and Johnny Lawrence. The two are teachers at West Valley High, with Daniel being the new kid on the block who attracts all the attention, taking it away from Johnny. When Ali, the girl Johnny has had a crush on for years, begins to show signs of attraction to Daniel, Johnny becomes friends with Daniel to get closer to Ali. But will this work, or will they find attraction in each other instead?
~~~
Long Feedback
I'm not familiar with the fandom so I don't know any of the characters, but from what I can tell, they seem very fun and full of life. All of them are energetic and have personalities that separate them from one another. All the characters feel unique and have their own style.
I liked the choice to make this a teacher AU with Daniel being the new kid (or, in this case, teacher) on the block. That sets up an immediate but believable conflict between him and Johnny. I can understand why Johnny would be so mad at Daniel. It's hard to work for something your whole life and then have some new guy come in and take all the attention away, including the attention of the woman you've cherished for years.
So as much as Johnny is a hothead, I understand why he feels the way he does, and I like the way you showed his anger toward Daniel.
I like the most recent chapter probably the most out of all of them, though I think that, in general, the story gets better and better as it goes on and you reveal more of the plot/characters. Chapter seven has an impactful emotional moment and a chance for the reader to see a twinge of remorse inside Johnny. He feels bad for what he said to Daniel, and we see him regretting his words and going back and forth in his mind.
Showing us that internal conflict is essential for us to understand who the characters are. I really liked that moment, and I can't wait to see more of Johnny and Daniel's adventures in the future!
The paragraphs are really long and I believe they can be separated very easily. By that I mean, when there are two or more people talking, you put all their dialogue in the same paragraph. That makes it hard to read and it also makes the paragraphs unnecessarily long.
So, you do this: "Hey," Jimin said. "Hey," Raven said.
It should be:
"Hey," Jimin said.
"Hey," Raven said.
It's a lot easier when new people are given their own space to talk. So every time a new person speaks, give them their own paragraph instead of putting them all in the same space. It will naturally shorten your paragraphs so they're easier to read, and it'll make it easier for the audience to identify who is speaking.
Similarly, many of the sentences are very long. For example, from chap 2: "He thinks for a moment then decides to buy deodorant and puts it everywhere on his body he also buys cologne so he smells ok, he smells himself "it could be worse" he sighs and puts on..." and the sentence goes on for another three lines. So one sentence is six lines long. When I break it down like that, do you see why that can be a little long and hard to read?
I would suggest slowing down and breaking up sentences more. Along with that, use more punctuation (commas, dashes, semicolons, etc.) to make the sentence structure more unique. For example: "He thinks for a moment, then decides to buy deodorant and put it everywhere on his body. He also buys cologne so he can smell okay. He smells himself. 'It could be worse.'"
Just by making those small changes, the sentences are far easier to read. There are many ways to write, so I'm not saying definitely go with that alternative. I encourage you to experiment with your writing! But I hope seeing the alternative helps steer you in the right direction!
~~~
Summary:
- Fun characters
- Entertaining plot
- Chapter seven is really good
- Johnny's internal conflict is interesting
- Consider shortening the paragraphs
- Consider shortening the sentences and including more punctuation
~~~
Overall:
You're alright, Larusso is a fun fic that's easy to read and hard to put down. The read time is less than thirty minutes, making it quick yet impactful due to the adrenaline present in every chapter. It has a vibrant, entertaining vibe to it, so if you're someone looking for a fun story, or you're in the Karate Kid fandom, You're alright, Larusso is the story for you!
~~~
Thank you for submitting your story. Please let me know if you have any questions or would like any additional reviews!