(Discretion advised, depictions of suicidal and existential themes. Skip to scene 2 if you don't sit right with those topics, please. mentions of self harm are sprinkled throughout this chapter.)
There was nobody in the room other than myself and two mirrors facing each other between me, to forward the illusion of appearing like there was an infinite amount of my being. The mirrors taunted me. I stood aimlessly, wondering what must've occurred for me to wake up in such an unfamiliar place. The room itself appeared white with tiles, with two doors facing one another, along with a skylight. There was no other source of light than the light shining through the skylight that appeared mid-day. Noise was still. I noticed a hammer and nail under a counter, in rusty condition. I reached over for the hammer and picked it up. The wood handle was rotting. I wonder if it would break if I used it.
I broke one of the mirrors with the hammer in a moment of sudden rage. My head and my heart were pounding. The reflections of myself, however, still displayed even after the mirror collapsed to the ground. I decided to bust the second mirror, puzzling that if both mirrors were gone, then so'd be the reflection. I was wrong.
'I'm always wrong. From the very stem of my being, I'm wrong, and I've always felt that way, I've always known so,' the reflections said to me.
'I could never love in the first place. So, my confusion has a simple answer. To not love is to not be loved; to be alone is to receiving what you earned. I earned nothing, I earn nothing,' the reflections said to me.
Its words were getting to me. My breath only ran more rapid as I couldn't bear to keep looking at my own face; my pitiful, monotonous stare given from a hallow skull. I was so alone, but it was nothing new. Being alone is routine. Routine is a cycle; my cycle, to put an end to this miserable cycle is to put an end to my crippling consistence. I am built from thin wooden sticks, flaking and rotting as the cycle proceeds, but it will never break unless I do it myself. It's all that I have left. I'd rather keep my consistence, my cycle, my routine— than to lose it all for change. Change is a chance that guarantees nothing, a risk. Routine guarantees everything I'm familiar with.
My gut told me to look up at the skylight, but I chose not to. I didn't want light, I didn't want hope. In the midst of the sun hitting the glass, everything went dark. I finally felt at ease. The stillness of sound turned to wind echoing, but the air stayed calm in the room. It was utterly pitch black. I felt comfortably empty. I closed my tired eyes, then opened them again; I was in my bedroom. It was incredibly cold, my entire body was shivering, but it didn't bother me. I wanted to stay cold and feel this peace, in hope for an eternity.
My alarm snapped my consciousness back into place. I realized that I had just woken up, and it was all just a dream. I wish I could've stayed in that room for just a bit longer, it felt so nice. It was a blissful dream. But I wasn't there anymore, and it didn't exist, and it was about time I proceeded through my endless routine. I'd typically be excited that the weekend is approaching, but I feel far from typical. I could feel for harm, to sicken the light within me that drives me to crave change. I feel like how I should feel all of the time, it's a shame how that isn't the case.
—
'I walked through the morning with ease,' is what I'd say if anything remotely went the way I wanted it to go. My head was throbbing, my eye bags became dark circles, and my energy depleted by every step I took. I had to fight the urge to grab any blades or sharp objects because I knew better than to listen to those dark thoughts; It's an addicting feeling. I don't know why my morning was so horrendous. I know that it was all my fault, though. It sucks.
To think about this morning was something I needed to avoid for my own sake. For now, I needed to focus on my physical health. I guzzled down an entire water bottle and ate a granola bar before entering the front of the school. To my convenience, I immediately spotted the friend group near the doors into the cafeteria. I could only guess that they must've been waiting for me.
Eva was the first to notice me, giving a light wave followed by Izzy flailing her arms in the air the moment she saw me. It was embarrassing, but I appreciate Izzys enthusiasm. Cody noticed me before I noticed him, with wide eyes. He looked really shocked, and I wondered why. Maybe he's just trying to forget about yesterday.
Owen greeted me with a tight hug the moment I approached him. It suffocated me half to death, but I'm used to it at this point, he really is just one big, friendly bear. He doesn't mean to be aggressive when he's excited.
"Hey, Noah! I got you a coffee," Cody said, handing me a bottled coffee of the same flavor I ordered with him and Sierra yesterday. It was a dark caramel mocha of the same brand, bottled in glass. "This is what you got yesterday, right? Correct me if I'm wrong, I just saw it at a gas station and thought I'd... yeah."
"Wow, I didn't know they sold these," I replied, "Thanks."
"Cody! Don't forget that you have something to ask Noah, remember?" Owen whispered —very loudly— to Cody. In fact, I don't even think he is able to whisper, he's Owen, after all. He doesn't know how to keep a secret, either.
"Wha— You told Owen?" Cody exclaimed, looking back at Izzy.
She snorted and laughed, "Don't worry, I didn't tell him anything, I know he's a chatterbox." He seemed awfully anxious. What could he need to ask? Oh, shit, maybe the coffee was for an act of bribery. Him and the others turned to a circle, talking quietly. I raised an eyebrow, waiting for Cody to turn back around after their faint mumbling session.
"Look, just— I want to ask him alone, could you guys just... give me— us, a moment?" He said, nervously. Without complaint, all the others walked off, which left us two alone. I was incredibly confused; what could he want? I could only assume that he wanted something regarding Sierra and I.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Noah, I was just wondering if you, uh—wanna come over to my place after school?" He asked, or rather muttered; god, I thought this was something serious.
"... You shoo'd the others away just for that?" I replied.
"Well, I didn't want them hearing because I want it to be just us," He paused, "because I had a lot of fun on Monday, and I was just wondering if you wanted to do it again, but it's okay! You don't have to anyway." He still sounded like himself, just a lot more... anxious. Something else must be on his mind.
I shrugged and replied, "Yeah, sure. Is that why you gave me this coffee? To bribe me?"
"Of course not!" He exclaimed, "I just really like you, you're super cool! And I just happened to see it," he explained. I was flattered, but still worried, really. I don't like seeing him so anxious, but maybe he didn't get much sleep. He fidgeted with his hands, examining my skeptical face with a look giving off a "please, please respond to me" feel.
"Damn, well thanks," I paused, before asking, "and are you sure that you're... okay?"
"Me? Pshh, of course!" He said, feeling alarmed by the question. "I... uh— We should meet with the others now." I could tell that he was lying. His face was glowing red, and I became more worried. He honestly looks worse than he did yesterday.
"Alright. Hey, where's Sierra?" I brought up, as we walked over to the others.
He perked up and said, "Oh, she's out sick today. I hope she's doing alright."
"Sierra? Are we thinking about the same person?" Izzy said, intrigued by our conversation.
"Probably not. She's a new kid here," Cody answered.
"Well, I know a Sierra that has purple hair, and shes crazy-crazy," She emphasized. I'm not even surprised that she's met Sierra. The only difference I can find between them is that one isn't a stalker.
Cody and I exchanged a glance before I replied, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure we're talking about the same Sierra."
"She literally has a fanpage for everyone on total drama. Well, the people she cared about anyway," Izzy explained, "I helped her make the ones for us!"
"She has a fanpage about me?" I quickly responded. Shit, I was starting to get the creeps. Being on a show for 8 weeks leaves a print on a fandom, I guess.
"Well yeah, but I made yours entirely since she doesn't really care about you, haha. I also made Eve's, cause I needed to make sure it was free of bias," spoken from Eva's crazy girlfriend. I'm sure it's unbiased. But that must've explained why Sierra was after Cody instead of me or Owen. She picks favorites, to my relief, but not to Cody's.
"Oh, oh, can I see mine? Who made it?" Owen excitedly asked.
"Sierra made yours, but I added some edits," Izzy said, "and sure! But not now, class is in like, five minutes."
"Yeah, I was just about to say... we gotta start making our way to first period," Eva added. We all agreed, as we continued talking about Sierra-related stuff. The more I paid attention though, Cody seemed to have calmed down altogether. So that means, whatever is going on must be unrelated to Sierra. This was hard to piece together. I mean, I didn't even know why I cared; everyone is confusing, and Cody is no exception.
—
My day was frustrating, tiring, and sickening. I hated every fabric of being here. On the bright side though, I could spend some time with Cody after school. I'd usually decline in a state like this, but I agree with Cody... Monday was a really good day. And on top of that, I'm hoping that I can figure out what's up with him. My nosiness and curiosity is nothing new or refined.
I met up with him at the same spot we met on Monday, and we proceeded through the same route through the cold, cloudy atmosphere. It seemed to go by much shorter than it did last time. I felt fuzzy at times when he grabbed my hands and lifted me from steep slopes. Overall, I just found myself lost in the adventure-like journey it was. A part of me wanted to go home, to stop this enjoyment, that I'm 'wasting my precious alone time,' but the bliss overpowered that.
We stopped at his little treehouse before walking to his house, since it may have been cold, but it was much calmer than how it was on Monday. He made a lot of progress, from a flimsy wooden roof, to a painted finish on the floor, to some pillows within a tent. This guy really has some guts for sleeping in the outdoors despite his allergies.
"So, impressed?" he asked, confidently.
"For someone doing this all alone, I guess so," I replied.
"Once I get an extension cord out here, I'm drowning this place in fairy lights. I think that'll totally change the vibe from one to one-hundred," he explained. He began examining and pointing towards certain parts of the shed, as if the lights were already there. It was cute. "Oh, by the way, please don't leave that tent open if you're going in. Can't let any bugs get in," he clarified.
"Sure," I said, as I opened the tent. I wasn't really bothered by making my way in fast, but Cody definitely was; deciding to go in with me, I assumed that he wouldn't want to open it again for himself, so I didn't question his rush. It smelled like Cody in here. I could tell that he slept here last night, which is quite brave, but I'm not surprised. The way this guy lives his life is so much different from how I go about, it's like I'm some sort of alien. Or maybe he is.
There was a portable outlet along with a ton of pillows and water bottles, and it was overall quite nice. Knowing that the vast majority of male high-schoolers are crazy un-hygienic, I was slightly shocked... but I shouldn't be going around assuming that towards everyone, anyway. I started to zone out without realizing it, trying to adjust my senses to the unfamiliar environment. I looked up at the brightness of the clouds, giving me a feeling of uncomfortable fulfillment; like I was looking up at a skylight for some kind of hope. I then looked down at the boy in front of me. This losers face was so red, I think I've just found myself in the sweaty tent of someone with the bubonic plague. Yeah, he's probably just been sick all day now that I think about it.
He flinched, realizing that I noticed his awkwardly wide stare. "Ah, sorry, I just zoned out—"
"Do you have names for those plushes right there?" I interrupted, pointing towards two animal plushes behind him. They both appeared very well-knit, one black cat and one orange cat.
"Oh, uh, no, I don't," he replied, "I just thought I'd bring them out here for good luck, because I haven't gotten a nightmare ever since I got 'em." He picked them up and handed both to me. They were incredibly soft. I liked the black cat especially.
"Where'd you buy them?" I asked.
He shrugged and said, "I dunno, it was a gift." Crossing his legs, he sat closer and noticed how I put the orange one down and started fidgeting with the black one. He took the orange one.
"You know, I really don't get why people think plushes are only for children," I rambled, "these things are great."
"I know, right? I can't even have my dad know that I sleep with these," he said, as he began tossing the orange one around. I barely own any plushes at home. I only have a few black cat stickers and pins, and some old dolls from when I was a kid somewhere in the attic forgotten.
"What's your dad like, anyways?" I asked.
He sat up and replied, "He's always gone. But when he is around, it's like I have to hide everything from him. I love my dad, but it feels like he doesn't love me sometimes." That got deep quickly. His tone completely dropped. What am I supposed to say to that?
"... And your mom?" I replied, quietly.
"She's real busy at work all the time, but she's nicer than my dad," he explained, "both of my parents work really hard. It's nice having this privilege, but I'm left alone all the time, really." Now that was something I could relate to. My parents are loving, but busy, and usually looking after my brother when they were home. Otherwise, I look after him. I may be lonely, but I feel loved by my family, and I'm always around my brother at the very least. I feel bad for Cody.
"Must be hard being an only child, huh?" I said.
"Well, it's really nice around here alone, but I guess it gets sickening after a while," he replied before asking, "Wait, you have siblings?"
"I have a younger brother," I said, "he's real sweet. And I get how you feel about having busy parents all the time. My mom and dad both work full-time."
"Jeez, how old is your brother?" he replied.
"Three years."
"Huh," he puzzled, "that must be hard. But it's not like I'd know, haha."
"It's not so bad," I said, before changing the subject. "By the way, are you sure you're okay? You've been acting weird today."
His eyes widened again. "Yeah. I think so," he replied. "Thanks for the concern, though. A lot's just been on my mind."
"Sierra, huh?"
"Well, partially, I guess," He said. "I haven't been able to focus on school lately. I think I'm crushing over someone." Oh no, Cody's love life. Something I wasn't particularly interested in hearing about, but it's just part of being a friend, I guess. I think he was waiting for me to ask who it was, but I didn't say anything. "But then again, it's probably nothing, I'm just not used to receiving attention," he explained, "I'm really good at overthinking things."
"Whoever it is, they probably like you too," I said, "I mean, you're cool. That's what people like in guys, right?"
"You think I'm cool?" He asked excitedly, finding himself at a huge boost of confidence. You can simply tell by his expression how happy or sad he feels, and it's nothing like how I am. It was a small detail between us that I found interesting.
"Yeah, sort of. Cool and crazy, Mr. I-sleep-outside," I replied.
"I can take that," he said.