(A/N: this is equivalent to two long chapters and the longest chapter. There is too much to unpack and I don't want to Break it into separate chapters. There is nothing much of a trigger but there is talks about mental health issue and descriptions of break down and panic attack.
Sigh!!!!!! Enjoy!!!!
Keep a tissue with you guys)
Yoongi had a blank mind the moment he stepped at Santorini.
He actually had a real blank head, nothing is actually going on there.
Generally before a deal he thinks a lot of things, like who is the one he is dealing with and if the deal is in agreement with the rules he set for himself, how he can make the best out of it, if he wants to get more deals from them or end it here.
Till now he never compromised them in any of the dealings.
But right now he doesn't gives a fuck.
He took Hyowon's private Jet from Milan to reach Santorini Airport.
He has people who accompanied him in the same flight, not much but just three.
Seokjin knows the boundary or what to do to not push Yoongi into his bubbling rage.
He is thankful to the ones who is keeping his company cause Yoongi hasn't said a word after he got into the flight and they also didn't ask anything.
He has his eyes struck on the iPad and he is just checking whatever is happening in Seoul.
He knows a chaos has been erupted since the death of In Ho. Jungkook is taking care of it with Geun Soo and Seo Min Young is helping him. Also there is a fear that, none of them is in Seoul and Sang Min is still there.
So, Yoongi needs to keep a close eye so things doesn't get fuck up.
He can't leave Seoul out of his mind.
Soo Hyun has accompanied him personally on the jet.
Yoongi has seen it for some time, Seokjin trusts him a lot and somehow Soo Hyun is a very close person for him in business. He knows Soo Hyun will deliver each detail to Seokjin.
Yoongi trusts him too. He is been with them for a long time, working as a shadow mostly.
When things with hectic around when they concentrated over the revenge, Soo Hyun kind of managed all the business deals and proceedings alone.
Yoongi is thankful for it.
Nowadays he is always with Seokjin.
He took care of Taehyung's security in the beginning when he caught Seokjin's eye. Then somehow he ended up in black Diamonds and now working for them.
Namjoon will take a flight after him. He doesn't pay to attention to that too, he didn't talk to him after he left for Santorini.
He just needs this deal to get done.
He has decided to call Hoseok as soon the deal gets wrapped up. And dare if he tries to divert him.
He hopes he will not. He thinks Hoseok understands the gravity of the situation much better than Yoongi himself.
And he has decided as soon he gets Jimin's location he will leave Santorini. He will waste no time. He has no time to waste actually.
When he gets down from the jet and gets into his car, Soo Hyun again accompanies him and the rest got on a different car.
Yoongi has inkling that Soo Hyun has an idea what all the ruckus is about.
"Seokjin gave you special orders I am guessing???" Yoongi is seated in the back seat where Soo Hyun is in the passenger seat of the car.
He slightly looks back,
"I would try my best to not interrupt your plans." He replies with a smile.
"I know." Yoongi sighs.
"But please inform me about anything I can do to help."
Yoongi nods,
"But it seems like I am on arrest by my own people."
Soo Hyun chuckles,
"You know right, everyone is so worried about you."
"That doesn't make sense.
We should be worried about something else."
Soo Hyun looks up to meet his eyes through the rear mirror,
"It does.
So please take care of yourself."
Yoongi understands what he is talking about.
Yoongi gave him a small smile of his own before looking outside through the window,
"Soo Hyun, just keep a close eye on Seoul too."
"Don't worry, I am keeping my tabs open. Still now nothing to worry about. Their focus is at something different. But still we had things in control."
"That's good.
Let him.
Close eyes on mom, Yeonjun and Jungkook??"
"Yeah & under shadow."
Yoongi knows that's what Soo Hyun works his best at.
He checks in the hotel as Hoseok asked him to.
He has informed how the deal will go.
The key of his room will be given to the one who will come to pick up.
He doesn't need to worried about his safety.
It's a place owned by the Jung's specifically.
And anyways he is not worried about his safety at all. Soo Hyun and others are staying in the same place and they will be all over it. He knows them.
He didn't ask Namjoon where he is going to stay.
Even though the tiredness is hitting his bones, he decided to take a shower & change into something a little more comfortable.
It's still afternoon. The meeting is scheduled at 7:30 in the evening.
~~~~~
When the door is knocked twice at exactly 7:30, Yoongi has no doubt it's time for it. It opens with a beep with the card the other has. Yoongi is standing in the middle of the living with a gaze fixated on the door.
It's a woman, dressed in a simple blue t-shirt and wide legged black denims.
She has glasses on with her hair up in a bun.
Not from any angle she seems like she belongs to the underworld, seems like a very normal person.
But Yoongi knows better than trusting in just looks.
She walks inside the room easily as if it's her own place and looks up to meet his own eyes.
And then Yoongi realises,
No she actually belongs to the dark world. She hardly has any ounce of fear in her bones, and her expression is carefully blank and bored.
But there is something.
Very little, but something.
Her gaze is fixated over his face, scanning every inch of it.
For a moment Yoongi feels like her eyes are tracing the scar over his eyes and he feels self conscious about it.
It has been long he felt like that about it.
Her eyes widens very little after she takes in Yoongi's face for a moment.
Her blank expression falters for a second as if she recognises him.
But as far Yoongi remembers he never saw her.
"Don't mind me asking but are you by any chance Min Yoongi???" She asks tentatively.
Yoongi raises his eyebrow, but nods anyway,
"Yeah. I am."
Probably Hoseok told her for the deal.
There is very faint smile on the woman's lips and Yoongi doesn't find it comfortable.
It feels like there is a lots of things going in her head.
Even though the woman is not imposing any danger right now, but her stance doesn't provide any feelings of safety either.
"Interesting..." She mumbles quietly.
Yoongi would have missed it if it wasn't paying attention to the details.
He just puts the cases of the ammunition they asked for on top of the coffee table in silence.
He can feel her fixated gaze on himself.
It's very unsettling not in the sense of she is violating him, more like she is openly trying to read him which is daring according to him.
"I am Yasmeen by the way. It's rude not to say mine after I asked you." She says with a amused voice.
Yoongi can't find anything amusing right now.
"Nice to meet you." Yoongi replied plainly just as formalities.
He wants this deal to get finished smooth and as fast as possible.
"Same." Yasmeen rolled her eyes.
Yoongi doubts if she is responding to him.
"So everything is okay??" He asks looking up at her with tired eyes gesturing towards the things over the table.
He is tired. He is way too tired. He is just pushing himself for it.
She eyes the arms and nods in agreement,
"Yeah, everything is fine."
But Yoongi senses there is something more.
"So the deal is done???" Yoongi asks to make sure of it.
That's what Yoongi needs.
Yasmeen looks up & holds his gaze, her arms are folded over her chest.
Her sharp gaze is trained on him.
"Yeah it's done." She replies with a curt nod. Then she turns towards the door unannounced.
"Hey!!! are you not taking all these with you??" Yoongi asked utterly confused.
"No!!" She turns for a moment,
"My too good of a teammate will take those. Those are so heavy. I am not doing it." She says as if that's the basic protocol of the dealings.
Yoongi wants to bang his head on the wall. The urge to roll his eyes at the lady standing infront of him is too strong but he doesn't want to come off impolite.
What does she means it's heavy.
It is.
Yes.
Then why don't they take some one with them already.
Fucking waste of time.
She turns again before stepping outside the room, her hands gripping the door latch lightly.
She speaks again,
"Just do me a favour Mr. Min, tell him you have a rule that you don't give arms who can't use them."
"Why-"
But the door shuts close too loudly.
Yoongi feels irritated and infuriated at the same time.
He paces inside the room, clutching his hair. Even though it's not long like before but Yoongi is utterly frustrated.
It's utterly disrespecting and too much of a bullshit.
This is not what he does.
Jimin, I love you.
But it's too much.
He has his phone on his hand, ready to call Hoseok and literally on the verge to curse at him so loud.
He is not here to take bullshits. Hoseok should know better.
So fuck everything.
Soon the door beeps again announcing someone is here.
Yoongi rolls his eyes as the door gets open. He is standing at the corner of the living which is just on the left of the hallway that leads to the entrance. So the one coming can't see him. And Yoongi doesn't want to see him either.
But when the sound of the boots against wooden floor hits his ear, there is something that tugs his heart.
Somehow suddenly he is hyper aware of the presence.
Before he could dwell on why he is feeling this way, the person walks into the room.
Blond hair ruffled, a simple black Tshirt and with a black Jacket on top of it. The shoulders are droopy.
Yoongi doesn't need to tell twice.
It's his siren.
His mind is fucking reeling now.
When and how.
He can't believe it.
Is he dreaming????
No he can't be dreaming.
Suddenly everything Yasmeen did clicks in him. He wants to thank her with everything he has.
And definitely kiss Hoseok on his forehead for this chance.
The man is here.
The one he is chasing for an eternity now.
Oh my god.
Oh my fucking god.
But somehow the way Jimin is standing at a distance there is one thing Yoongi is sure of.
Yoongi feels unsettled, his heartbeat erratic.
Jimin locks the cases without a word and Yoongi finds himself frowning.
Even though it's been long they actually worked together, but he knows him and his ways.
It's not exactly like him, Jimin is someone who loves to announce his presence. He was never a low-key person.
So Yoongi tries to stir it a bit,
"I hope you are the one who can assemble it cause I am not giving it someone who can't do it."
Yoongi speaks as soon he remembers what Yasmeen asked him to do.
The lady gave him the opportunity of a lifetime, she is an angel, a goddess incarnated, he will do whatever she has asked. His voice came out much bitter than he expected it to.
"You are already paid for this."
The bored and tired voice of Jimin hits him so differently.
The one who he knows should be using a bone-chilling voice, not this bored one.
The one who used to know will look dead in the eye as soon the words left his mouth.
It's different.
Is it really him???
"Yeah!! But that's my rule of business. So either you assemble or leave."
Yoongi challenges observing every reaction of the other, more like to taste the waters.
He could see Jimin taking a deep breath, gripping the suitcase tightly.
Yoongi will appreciate if the one who knows appears right now.
"That's a very fucked up and foolish rule." He points out folding his arms over his chest.
Yoongi can just see his back, but atleast this reaction is something he expects.
"But someone said, I can make whatever rule I want in my own business."
Jimin would have given a literally 'Are you joking to me!??' face to him with a cryptic smile.
Yoongi is quite not sure what he is getting himself into.
Also it's a bit weird that till now Jimin didn't caught it's Yoongi. The Jimin he knew could figure out his presence in darkness.
"I don't care what some other asshole said to you.." Jimin retorts with a low and deadly voice.
Atleast.
Something.
"You really don't remember who that asshole is?" Yoongi tries again.
Yoongi picks up when Jimin gets his presence, suddenly his shoulder are straight, strained under tension, arms folded over chest falls to his sides, his head dips low.
Yoongi walks upto him.
He waits for the other to look up, to meet those eyes.
Again..
"Welcome to hell, Park."
That's what their heaven has become, the moment The siren decided to leave it.
A living Hell.
Jimin is holding his breathe.
But the moment Jimin looked into his eyes.
He winced.
It's not his Siren.
No..
It's a tired dead soul.
He doesn't know what this Jimin did with his siren but it's not the one who left him in their heaven.
And absolutely not the one who he met at Black Nebula.
Not the one who promised him an eternity.
And exactly not the one who promised him that he will take care of him.
Fuck....
The blue lenses is making this worse. He really seems like a whole different person now with no life with in.
There used to a sparks of fire in his irises, now they are dimmed, extinguished. A layer of ice all over it.
Frozen.
Cold.
He is cold.
Just tell me you didn't kill my siren
Just tell me my Jimin is alive.
Tell me you didn't kill him
Just tell me.
But there is nothing except deep sigh as Jimin looks away. Yoongi feels like someone is pulling a rope so tight around his heart.
If hearing Jimin is no more felt like falling into deep water, looking at this human feels like a deep stab, a deep cut over his eyes again.
This time it grazes deeper.
Who needs a blade, this standing stranger can do it so well.
He understood why Hoseok was furious on him, cause if he didn't know better he would think it's because of Hoseok.
Damn it, Jimin.
"I need to leave." The voice comes out tired, as if he is tired from battling wars for a eternity now..
"Jimin..." He whispers.
It hurts.
It hurts.
It hurts so much.
Suddenly everything Yoongi went through is too much real.
Suddenly he remembers how much he went through just because of one foolish decision of this man.
Suddenly this walking dead of a human makes everything so real.
Jimin takes his first step away...
And Yoongi feels alarmed.
No he can't Leave.
Absolutely he can't leave.
They need to talk.
Enough with this running away shit.
He knows Jimin.
The most he will want now is to leave, to run away.
But Yoongi can't allow that.
No!!!!
It's gonna be hard.
When Jimin responded, his voice sounded so tired, so defeated and so withdrawn Yoongi wanted to pull him close, hold him and ask him how is he doing.
If he is okay!!!
But Yoongi knows better. Jimin will not tell anything until he breaks his shell, or the walls he have created.
"Don't make it hard, Yoongi." And Jimin eyes him as he warns him.
Yoongi swears for a split moment he saw his siren.
For a split moment it was there.
And Yoongi knows what he needs to do.
"Hard???" Yoongi forces a laugh,
"Hard for whom???" He asks sarcastically.
"For me!!!
For you I guess." There is a pause for a second,
"Yoongi just end this. The deal is done. Please."
And Yoongi gets utterly surprised how the word 'please' rolls so easily on his tongue though his voice is sounding far away from a request.
But he needs to press on a different thing.
"Us!!!!!
Us, Jimin???"
Jimin swallows visibly at that response & shakes his head,
"There is no us."
He runs his hands through his blonde locks and Yoongi can't help as his eyes search for a specific thing.
The ring.
It's there.
His eyes travels to his neck on their own accord.
The pheonix pendent is there too.
Yoongi has got one of his answers already.
"I am leaving." Jimin announces without meeting his eyes.
Jimin can't stay.
The moment his eyes fell on the other man, his heart is beating too loudly inside the ribcage as if it found it's real owner and wants to jump out of its place.
A part of head is just screaming,
I missed you. I missed you. I missed you.
Crumbling his walls with each split second.
He tries to hide every emotion of his. But he can't stop himself from taking a good look at his Prince.
The scar is healed.
It doesn't seem like Yoongi went back to his previous coping mechanism.
That's a relief.
That's a very good relief.
His hand twitches on his sides, urging him to hold his face and touch the scar, nearly luring him to confirm this is not a dream.
But he knows it isn't a dream.
It is not a dream cause he still remembers Yoongi with his long hair.
He loved those.
Yoongi looked soft with an edge with his long hair & gummy smile.
But now the undercut has thrown Jimin off guard.
The softness of Yoongi can't be seen and it's like it's a whole new human.
His eyes are intense, nearly burning Jimin under his gaze, it's sharp & pricking his skin.
Jimin feels breathless, he knows he just needs to touch him, he just needs his own lips to touch his own to breathe again, but at the same time it's he himself who threw it away.
He can't go back.
He absolutely can't.
He should not.
"You are not going anywhere."
Jimin shruggs, even though he knows the voice of Yoongi is nearly on the verge of 'I am not in mood of bullshit.' But Jimin wants to say 'I am not either.'
So he does what he knows can be best to irritate the other to the extend he asks to leave by himself.
That's the goal Jimin wants to reach now.
"Okay...."
He nods and plops down to sit on the sofa unceremoniously.
Jimin is a little taken aback by the way Yoongi doesn't look surprised at all.
As if he expected him to be alive.
And that's somehow makes him restless and sad at the same time.
He is internally cursing Yasmeen for plotting dirty to make him stuck here.
She has seen Yoongi, she is not someone who forgets faces and she definitely didn't forget Yoongi's.
Jimin can feel Yoongi is looking at him with confusion.
And damn Yoongi is confused.
Bending Park Jimin at your will is something nearly impossible, but here he is sitting there.
Yoongi knows, he doesn't want to be in this room.
It's weird.
Yoongi doesn't know if he should celebrate or mourn. But he just knows there is something behind all these actions.
"I am waiting, Yoongi." Jimin responds calmly and sweetly.
Yoongi tilts his head a little to the side.
Cause like, what the actual fuck is happening.
Park Jimin is waiting for him to speak.
Woah, damn.
He must be in a dream.
"I dont have all day... Maybe you don't too.
So if you don't have anything..." Jimin tries to conclude quickly.
And things click in Yoongi's head.
He is trying to make him enraged and pissed off so he asks Jimin to leave.
Good move but not today.
"Why you did that??" Yoongi asks out of the blue.
Yoongi cursed himself when he saw Jimin going a little pale when he dropped the question.
The little smugness he has suddenly got vanished and replaced by something else. His eyes are round for a moment, expression going sad for a second until he looks away.
It tugs Yoongi's heart, urges him to take back his question.
But he doesn't.
He can't.
"My death??"
Jimin asked a bit quietly.
He didn't think that's the first question Yoongi would ask.
He didn't think he will go back straight to the point where they left.
"Not just the death. Everything, Jimin!!!"
There is a frustration in Yoongi's voice and Jimin can pick that.
"Why I need to give you an explanation for it??"
Jimin tries.
Yoongi could see how he is fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt. There is a little up tilt in his voice, challenging and accusing.
"Cause it's my life what you fucked.
So I deserve it. I deserve to know!!" Yoongi responds bluntly.
"I fucked your life!??" Jimin chuckled dryly throwing his head back. His eyes are closed and he remains that you way as he waits for Yoongi to talk.
The urge to run his tongue is over the neck and make the smugness melt under his touch in strong.
But it's wrong.
It's wrong to do it before they clears up all the stuffs.
"Dare you to say you did not!!?"
The challenge makes a shiver run in Jimin.
But Jimin loves challenges.
Even though he knows it's not good to play a challenge with Min Yoongi but somehow it's interesting and his head is thrumming in anticipation to make him pissed off.
The thrill to win is getting to him.
Jimin pulled his head back slowly, tilting his head little to the side and looks up to meet Yoongi's own.
Yoongi could see how Jimin's eyes changed, more charged than before. Something that resembles that of a siren.
He is winning, he is winning.
"And what if I did???? Hope it's not about the people I killed.
I won't be amused to hear, Min Yoongi traced me down to take revenge because I killed people.... who works for him."
This time his voice came out suggestive and even, a cryptic smile resting on his face.
Yoongi knows how to push it more,
"I don't deny that." He responds leaning onto the wall next to him.
"So what now???
Killing me???" He challenges easily.
"Sorry to mention that's not easy!!!" Jimin laughs heartily.
But the laughter sounds sad to Yoongi's ears.
He knows why?
"You can try though." Jimin suggests voice underlined with sadness.
"Stop nonsense, Jimin......
You fucking ran away from your responsibilities, from the people who loved you."
"Don't lecture me on my responsibility. Just don't."
This time the warning came out much prominent,
"Do you remember the first thing I asked for?????"
Yoongi looks at him in confusion.
"The first time when we are at my house in Palermo. Do you remember what I asked for!??"
"To not stab-"
"That just don't stab me in my back." Jimin finishes for him,
"You can kill me, shoot me in head, stab in my chest but just don't do it on my back."
"Yeah!!!"
"That's the most important thing I asked for.
And when time came you chose the exact thing to do."
"Jimin-"
"Don't dare to say it wasn't stabbing my back.
Cause it fucking was."
Jimin nearly yells by the end, getting up from his seat.
"If you had a doubt, you could have asked me.
You could have asked me straight on my face, Yoongi.
But you didn't. You just went behind my back-"
"You could have said me too.
You could have said me, there are certain people you want to get rid of.
It wasn't that hard asking me, Jimin????"
Yoongi can't hide his dissspointment. He is dissspointed on the lack of trust and believe that Jimin put on him.
"And you would ask me a reason!!!"
Jimin retorts instantly,
"Tell me that if I didn't give you any reason, would you do that???" Jimin asks folding his arms over his chest.
Yoongi is silent.
The answer is....
"No!! You wouldn't....
You wouldn't, Yoongi."
"You could have said the reason, Jimin.
I thought... I hoped you trust me enough."
Yoongi hopes he is hiding well, how much it has affected him. He hopes he is hiding well how much it was breaking him.
Jimin looked at him, the eyes are vulnerable, angry and accusing at the same time.
"Do you even trust me the slightest???"
He scoffs.
"I do-"
"Then you would not be asking for a reason!!!!!!" Jimin's voice is flat and even.
"That's fucking bullshit. I deserve to know the reason." Yoongi responds instantly.
It's not a movie, it's their fucking life. Yoongi deserves to know what's happening, what he is doing.
"I didn't have any fucking proof of it.
Hell, I didn't have anything of it." Jimin is sounding like he is still in the dilemma of it, more like a painful dilemma.
"You were sure???" Yoongi asks out of the blue.
"Huh-"
"I asked if you were sure." Yoongi asks again, a little impatient.
"Obviously, I was."
"I just said I deserve to know the reason.
I did not say I need proofs for that, Jimin.
You could have just said it to me, just with the reasons and it was enough."
Yoongi knows his anger is spilling from him, from the boxes he pushed so deep inside him.
"Was it??????" Jimin asks, the sadness in his voice is heart breaking.
It sounds so sad and distant.
He turns from Yoongi walks a little inside the room before standing against the side of a window.
"It was...
You maybe forcing yourself into thinking it wasn't....but it was." Yoongi says bitterly.
"But you did blame me when I killed Kim Seong Cheol, that I don't care about my own best friend and my own brother and you and anyone.
Do you remember it???"
He asks with that sad and distant voice, but this time the tone is again accusing and sarcastic.
It sounds like Jimin is judging him for his double standards.
"I did.
& I am sorry-"
"Dont.. fucking don't." It was quick the way it sounded like Jimin is enraged again but like he is pulling himself back from saying or doing something.
"Jimin, I mean it." Yoongi tries to sound as authentic he can.
"A sorry now doesn't change anything, Yoongi.
Your words that day changed a lot of things." Jimin slips up with a deep sigh, voice wavering by the end.
Yoongi doesn't think he slipped it consciously.
Jimin is inside his rage and emotions now, so he will not notice it.
Yoongi's eyes have went wide, the aspect it's him who actually fucked up is eating him now.
"You, out of everyone," He points at Yoongi as he takes some steps to stand closer this time,
"You doubted me that I would hurt Taehyung...
That I would hurt Jungkook." Jimin points out, his voice filled with venom.
"I never thought you would..." Yoongi mumbles a little quitely, more because the less distance between them now.
He can watch Jimin closely, want to hold his face, feel his warm skin under his touch.
But the distance is still too much.
It enrages him more.
"Then what the fuck you meant that day!!!!????" Jimin grits out.
Even though it hurts. The way Yoongi is looking at him, it nearly breaks all his walls. There is softness, there is sadness. There is too much of unsaid.
But that doesn't mean he has forgiven him.
"You were doing fucking everything on your own." Yoongi spins on his heels, nearly yelling before he looks at Jimin.
There is a little more distance between them again.
"We lived in the same place but like strangers...
Fucking strangers.
I didn't even know what you were doing.
Where were you going!!!
Everytime you came back, the only thing I had in my mind is you have killed someone, that if you are actually okay!???
It was getting on my nerves."
"So you had issue, me killing people." Jimin nods to himself, arms folded over his chest. He inhales deeply,
"Yoongi??
How many times I have asked you if you hav any problems me being an assassin???
God damn I can't even count...."
Jimin sighs frustrated as he rubs his temple trying to soothe the headache he is feeling like coming.
He has enough alcohol in his system and Jimin does not do well in fighting and yelling after having alcohol specially if it's a fight of words and emotions.
"I have no issues with it." Yoongi tries to make a point.
"Stop lying.
For god's sake, stop lying." Jimin throws his hands in air.
"I am not fucking lying." Yoongi is also frustrated with it.
Why it takes so much for Jimin to believe him??
"You are.
You were sacred of me being an assassin, Yoongi.
I know this.
I know this cause you never talked about anything that concerns this part of me.
After everything we kept it like it's something we should not discuss.." Jimin chokes slightly,
"I understood.
I do understand.
It's not an easy thing to accept, but that hurts.
Still I understood..."
"Oh my god... Oh my God.
What the heck is wrong with you????" Jimin frowns as Yoongi speaks, turning to observe every reaction of him.
"I thought it's the confidentiality of your job.
I thought you can't discuss. I thought you don't even want to talk about it.. cause you never said you want to talk about it.
I wanted to give the space and be there. Assassin or not, I just wanted to be there for you.
Jimin, I never thought you would be this dense!!!"
"Lie..." Jimin utters in a harsh whisper.
It's a lie. It's surely a lie. Jimin didn't read wrong. No, he didn't. Yoongi is lying.
"Jimin..."
"It's a lie." He yells.
"Stop being so damn stubborn. What the fuck is wrong with you, Park??"
"What's wrong with me??" Jimin snaps,
"Stop your nonsense, Min Yoongi."
But his voice wavers.
It's getting too much.
It's getting too much and Jimin is not prepared
Yoongi takes a deep breath, for a moment a silence rest between them. Yoongi takes deep breathes, running his hand through his hair clutching it lightly.
Jimin do understand that Yoongi is disturbed, that he is not okay and that he is struggling. He has a deep urge to just hold him, take him for a hug and whisper sweet nothings until he calms down.
But he can't allow himself. Cause once he does he can't go back again.
"Jimin, please..... For once listen to me." Even though Jimin was going to say something but he closes his mouth looking expectantly at Yoongi,
"For once....
When I said it's okay..... I don't mind what you do!!
I meant it Jimin."
"I know." Jimin sighs a bit, taking a deep breath as he closes his eyes to get a hold over his emotions. It's taking a lot to just not burst out and spill out everything.
"No, you don't."
"See! I thought as your work you wanted space.
I wasn't scared to know what you are doing.
Maybe I was
I was.
I was scared to know to what deep shits you are throwing yourself for stuffs but it wasn't about I hated it."
"You did."
"No!!???" Yoongi objects harshly,
"Just listen to me, Jimin.
Do you trust me?????"
"I.... I do..." Jimin manages to reply flatly.
Jimin does. He still does. He left Jungkook in mid of Seoul cause he trusts Yoongi.
"Then trust me......" Yoongi says more like a pleading,
"Jimin, if you are killing someone without a reason, That's wrong."
"Yoongi!!!?" Jimin warns again.
"I just wanted to know the reason, Jimin.
And you were hurting yourself."
Jimin tries to interfere but Yoongi stops him,
"Don't dare to say you weren't. You need to understand what's wrong thing to do.
You need people in life who can throw this on your face that what you are doing is wrong!!??" Yoongi states without regret.
"But was I wrong??" Jimin asked this time excessively broken, his eyes are extremely sad.
That hurts Yoongi.
He wants nothing more than to hug him and embrace him.
"No!!!"
"That's my point, Yoongi.
You drew the conclusion of me being wrong without even waiting.
And fuck you for that."
"And you hurt me for that???" Yoongi asks, his vulnerability spilling through the cracks.
Jimin was taken aback, eyes going a little wide.
"You know how much hurting it was!???
How much hurting it was to know that I lost you cause of my fault??"
"It wasn't your fault.." Jimin tries to soothe but....
"Now you shut up....." Yoongi yells for a moment before collecting himself.
"After Seokjin hyung's father's funeral we came back, we fought.
Nice.
You went out.
Fucking Nice.
I went to talk to you and you literally was in your bubbling anger filled with your damn ego..."
"I was hurt...." Jimin tries to speak.
"You weren't just hurt. I was hurt too..." Yoongi presses on the words,
"You fucking didn't say me anything....
Not a single thing.
The only conclusion I could draw was you were avenging.
I asked you, I wanted to stop you cause I thought it was wrong, cause I thought you are just hurting yourself."
"But-" Jimin mumbles a bit dumbly, not understanding where it's going.
"But you just thought I am betraying you, that I do not trust you.
You talked every bullshit that day and I just thought I need to collect my thoughts....
Then what I found you sitting in our apartment.."
Jimin feels a tug in his heart at the word 'our apartment'. Jimin always considered it to be Yoongi's place.
And the memories of that day is never good.
It's too much hurting.
It was extremely hard, the memories are flooding his mind. The way Yoongi was looking at him that day, it was...
"And what???" Yoongi's words echo in the room,
"You came just to throw shit on my face, saying there is nothing to heal, nothing to do anymore." Yoongi chokes,
"That....That you want a break up. You didn't even ask what I wanted!!!!!" The words are not eloquent and Jimin doesn't mind. He gets it.
"I told you!!!! I told you that if you left without a decent conversation..."
"You wouldn't see my face." Jimin looks to meet his eyes.
He shudders seeing how much broken Yoongi is.
He never saw the man yelling or loosing control over his temper or even his emotions until it's too much.
But right now, it's just too much for him, for them.
"Yeah!! Still you chose to walk away." Yoongi accuses without any guilt.
"And you didn't stop me!! You didn't..." This time Jimin doesn't hold himself back.
"If you wanted to walk away why should I????
Tell me???? Why should I??
Tell me a reason!!???" Yoongi challenges.
"Just accept it was your ego stopping you. Stop acting like you are great...." Jimin clenches his jaw at the pause,
"It was your damn ego."
"And wasn't it yours!?????
Wasn't it yours, the way you didn't even speak a word????"
"Still it doesn't change the fact you didn't stop me that day..." Jimin is still struck at that point.
Yoongi did not try to stop him that day or hold him back..
He had let Jimin go. Easily.
"Okay!!!
Okay I didn't.
Then fuck!!!
You were out of Seoul and in Busan. Taehyung comes to me and says that even he knew that you were going to kill Kim Seong Cheol."
Jimin's eyes widens a bit..
That's bad. Yoongi should not know.. It may have hurt him.
That's bad.
"Then I thought....I will talk to you once you come back."
Jimin knows.
He knows. It's not exactly.
But he knows what happened.
That's.... That's not good.
"And you didn't Jimin.
You didn't came back."
A tear slips Yoongi's eyes,
"It's just on a Saturday I got a news.... That..
That a car crashed and you...."
There is still a distance between them.
It somehow hurts way too much now.
He can see Yoongi's struggles.
The shaky voice of his as if he is going through the bad memories again...
He didn't want this for him.
He just wanted Yoongi to be safe and out of darkness.
"And again I lost someone for my fault, for my foolishness."
'Again.'
Jimin knew his struggles what he went through.
How he blamed himself for everything!!!
He was there, he saw it.
He didn't want him to fall into spiral again.
The way Yoongi is looking at him, Jimin knows it....
He knows he has been hurt and it's him who has hurt him.
Maybe knowingly Jimin had left him to bleed.
An apology can't mend it.
Never.
Tears are falling from Yoongi's eyes silently as he holds back his sob and Jimin feels like it's tearing him apart.
Oh god, he is such a terrible human being.
How he can be this inconsiderate????
"You know, people around me,
everything around me was screaming at me that you were gone..." More tears stream down his cheeks.
Everything that Yoongi kept inside, every pain that he endured is now getting to him.
It fucking hurts.
"Everything screamed that I had lost you. I have fucking lost you.
But I can't believe it.
I just can't."
Yoongi shakes his head as it hangs low,
"I thought I am going insane for a moment. How much I try I could not make myself believe it!!?
I locked myself up, distanced myself from everything.
Everything that reminds me, you are gone."
His words are just like whispers, secrets that wasn't meant for the world to hear. But here is Jimin and he is listening.
It's bad.
It's bad. Jimin never intended to hurt Yoongi like this.
He loves him, always.
Why he would hurt him like that.
But he did.
Hurted him more than any stranger or any rival could ever do.
Yoongi presses his face into his palm, Jimin nearly heard a little sob escaping him.
It's breaking him.
It's breaking him.
"How can be so selfish, Jimin??? How can be you such a selfish? How can be you out of everyone??"
A gasp leaves Jimin's mouth.
"You left, just because you wanted to, threw me out of your life just because you wanted to.
You fucking left me feeling unwanted... just because you didn't want to deal shit!!!???
How can be you this selfish??? What you actually want Jimin????"
"I don't know......I don't know what I want...." He yelled.
"I don't fucking know...."
Jimin breaks down.
He cries as if everything is ripping apart his soul.
"I just don't know.
I never know...."
He slips on the ground on his knees, tears falling incessantly as he doesn't try to suppress them anymore.
"I just don't know." He mutters lowly.
The sudden outburst takes Yoongi aback this time.
"I never knew there will be a life after all the things..... I never thought about it." His voice is still low as if he is talking to himself or maybe with a shadow.
Yoongi looks at him with confusion, eyebrows furrowed slightly. He wipes his own tears with the back of his hand as Jimin continues to speak.
"Everyday I just thought about how to kill them, how to give them a taste of their own game."
He pauses as he takes a shaky breath,
"Every day I thought about revenge. I just hated them, hated everything." He looks up to meet Yoongi's eyes.
"That was my life.
Each fucking day.
It was my life.
My goal, my ambition & the reason I was alive."
The last words were like he is whispering, mumbling in pain.
"It was pure hatred, the ambition of Vengeance that kept me alive.
More like held me captive in a fucking burning hell." The words sounded like a old venom running through him for ages, as if he is trying to spit it out or put it into the one who made him suffer.
Yoongi sighs. He knows the feeling but this time he allows Jimin to go on.
"Then suddenly, it's done.
The reason of my existence was fucking gone."
Yoongi inhales sharply as his irises shakes a little. He has an idea where this is heading but...
"My mother was gone, my sister was gone. My father never wanted to even see me but pushed everything on my shoulders.
My mother left me a legacy of revenge."
He laughs cynically holding his stomach.
"I am nothing!!!
I am just nothing." He kept laughing, tears started brimming in his eyes.
"People always came to me thinking of the best ways out there is to use me, best ways to throw me in shit."
He grits out, trying to control his tears.
"How much power I held, it was the same.
Everyone Just wanted me as a pawn in their game and then just throw me out."
"Tell me a moment when I threw you out!! Tell me!!?"
Yoongi mumbles frozen in his space where he was standing. He can't move, the pain in his system doesn't let him move.
But Jimin is probably too out of his mind to hear anything.
"I needed to protect people, I needed to take care of them.
But who was there for me, Yoongi???" He asks as a genuine query.
And suddenly all Yoongi could see was a Young kid, who doesn't know how to go through life.
The one who doesn't know what was his fault.
The one who was thrown in the pits of hell without even a choice.
The one who didn't choose to be a Siren or Angel of death.
A young kid, who had a hell of a life just because his father was greedy and a mother who thought he is capable to get revenge and as if it wasn't enough his family was taken away from him, he was abused and then he was just left to lead a hell of a life.
Suddenly it feels like he is seeing that Jimin whom he never saw. The one he was before every thing.
One that he was before he became the pheonix, the angel of Death as people called.
"And does anyone actually give a fuck????
Does anyone!???
Does anyone cares if I am not who I am!???
Or does anyone cares when I am who I am..."
The question is deep.
And Yoongi gets it.
"Jimin..." Yoongi tries to answer but Jimin just doesn't allow.
"Suddenly there was no reason for me to live.
There was nothing." He shakes his head as if he is in too much pain.
"No-one to kill.
None to hate.
None to avenge.
Even there was no need to protect.
Everyone was doing well.
Even without me.
Everyone was fine.
I just existed in people....
I am just a burden to everyone. There was no need of me."
"Jimin..." Yoongi tries again.
It wasn't true. It was never true. Everyone needs Jimin. Everyone around him, needs him. Everyone around him needs him just to exist.
"But then You came!!!!!!" He yells again.
"Why????????"
The pain in his voice makes Yoongi trembling in the inside. The 'Why' sounds too painful.
How much they had fought or how many times Yoongi has seen Jimin breaking down or having a panic attack, nothing was of this intensity. Nothing matches this.
So he lets him to let it all out.
He is holding in too much.
"I had no reasons to keep me alive after the revenge was done.
I always thought I will just....."
"Fuck....."
Yoongi cursed in disbelief.
He never thought Jimin was going through it.
It never seemed like it.
He always helped Yoongi, consoled him, was there for him.
But Yoongi never thought..
Initially he knew Jimin has an deep urge to challenge death but he doesn't want to loose. But he thought when the revenge is done, his pain and scars are healed.
But it wasn't....
"But then you were there..... You were fucking there." Jimin shouts, now clutching to his own heart.
"I thought..
I thought a lot if I should just leave, if I should move away....
But I became greedy.
Selfish....
I....
And I Just....
I just wanted to live...." He mumbles. He words are starting to get incoherent.
It makes Yoongi tear up. It's so hurting to watch.
It's so painful to watch that one of the strongest people he knows is breaking and falling apart like this.
The pain is too much.
"I wanted to Live Yoongi.... I wanted to live....."
The words sounds like a pleading and Yoongi doesn't know why someone should plead to just have a normal life.
"I wished that I could live....
Everything was good...
I hoped maybe I deserve a good life, happiness and peace...."
Their heaven, their time together.
Happiness.
It makes Yoongi a little pleased and happy for a split moment that Jimin addresses their time together as happiness and peace.
"Then everything is wrecked.
I am a problem, I am the danger, I was messing everything up. So I wanted myself to be gone."
"Jimin...no...." Yoongi tries to take a step towards the other.
"The person I hated my whole life, I... I believed enough that he never cared.... Maybe he didn't...
But I thought he... tried to even.... kill us... I hated and.. then he didnt..."
Jimin is talking about his father, Lee Yang Cheol.
"You were better... off....alone, you wanted a escape from my identity, from what I was, what I am....
I can't take it... Yoongi.
I can't.
It hurts."
"I wasn't... Jimin.... How can you even think???"
"You didn't stop me....
You didn't ask me to stay.... You needed answers,
You wanted me to stop. But never to stay...." Jimin sobs painfully broken.
"I always wanted you to Stay.
Always....
Fucking always..." Yoongi responds softly, as much softness he can muster now.
"Jimin???Do you hear me???" Yoongi asks,
"Jimin......"
Save me....
I can't.... I can't breathe....
Jimin does not respond but just hunches over the floor, his eyes are blurred with tears. He doesn't know when he started crying but right now he feels like something heavy is sitting on his chest and he absolutely can't breathe. His chest hurts tremendously.
"Jimin!!!!"
Save me!!! I can't...
Please.... Please... Save me.
"Why you even ran away at first place???"
Yoongi asks now kneeling infront of him. But the only difference right now is his voice is soft, not accusing.
"You couldn't choose between the two...."
Jimin let's it out.
"What two!???" Yoongi asks not getting what he is saying.
Jimin smiles sadly,
"Me and your need to be the perfect one.
The perfect son, the perfect brother and the perfect one who takes care of business......" He takes a deep breath. The pain is increasing but he keeps on going,
"If something happened because of me and it ended up hurting someone or something.
You couldn't take it.
You would be torn apart......
I.... I didn't want it."
Yoongi looks at him in shock, in confusion.
No it can't be. It can't be. If this is the reason???
Oh my god.
"You can't be a perfect when you are with me!!!" Jimin replies seeing the confusion.
"I don't want to!!!! Do you get it?????
I don't want to be perfect.
It's okay if I am not Jimin." Yoongi lets himself to hold his hands this time.
After months.
But they are cold and sweaty, nearly frozen. But he still takes them in their own, holds it tightly.
He will not let him go ever again.
"You are not!!! Don't lie to me..." Jimin chuckles wetly.
"Okay!!
Okayy!!
I want to be perfect.... Sure!!!
But on the cost of what??????" Yoongi asks.
"And if you understand that I want to be perfect then fucking get this into your head, what you did is fucking killing me!!!!"
"There isn't anything you could do!!!" Jimin smiles a little.
"I could!!!! I could have stopped you, kept you...
I could have called you.
And heck I should have gone to Busan.
I didn't."
"That's not something you are needed to do.
I killed people and you reacted perfectly."
Yoongi doesn't know why Jimin is suddenly making sense.
It's never good when he is suddenly making sense in his nonsense.
"Yeah perfectly. But that's not the only place where I want to be perfect!????" Yoongi tries.
"Jimin!!!! Hell if you have promised your mother to keep us safe, I promised Seo Min Young, the lady I respect more than anything in my life that I will take care of you, look after you even if we are not together. And your mother Park Hye Soo too."
And then everything is reminding Jimin of their heaven.
This room which seems vaugely similar to the living in their apartment.
The warm place.
The warmth that Jimin lost after he left the place.
Suddenly every sound is muted.
He is selfish, he is damn selfish. But he just wants to scream that he was scared.
He is scared.
It hurts.
He wants to breathe. He wants to be allowed to breathe, to live.
Just as a human.
He feels like under the waters. Every sound is muted, muffled.
His ears are ringing. It's nothing except screaming, cursing.
All the people he killed, his hands looks red as he looks at them, dipped in fresh blood.
He feels like drowning, he can't breathe, there is pain whole through out his body as if something has crashed or fallen over him. It's painful.
He nearly can't breathe, it feels like even the flow of blood in his veins hurt.
His heart feels caged, someone crushing it in their hold, tieing a rope around it, pulling it harshly.
It's painful.
It's painful. It feels like inches of his skin from shoulders to his back is burning.
He can't do this anymore. He is tired. He just wants to sink in it. He can't resist it anymore.
He is tired. He can't put resistance anymore.
He just wants to...
"Jimin-"
He was never this vulnerable to anyone. He was not to anyone.
He is strong, he is.
He always kept everything inside.
Then why this man makes him break everytime.
And why it doesn't feel bad??? It should feel bad!!
Feeling vulnerable, someone pulling you out of your safety net.
Then why???
"Jimin!!! Hey, are you okay???" The other is asking, concerned.
Why he is asking??? Why???
Jimin has deliberately hurt him, not to make him bleed but to keep him safe.
He wants to say he is okay and he wants to go back inside his shell. But no voice comes out of him, suddenly he has lost his voice.
He just keeps looking at Yoongi, his eyes that means world to him.
He has hurt him, scarred him.
It's horrible.
He just wants to...
"Jimin!!! Love, are you okay???"
And it broke him.
Every bits that he kept together fell apart.
It just took one word for him.
He hates himself for being sensetive and weak. He always hid those parts of himself.
He hates how Yoongi can twist his nerves.
But still he feels safe.
Yoongi is safe.
"Jimin!! Please tell me you are okay??? Please, love!!!"
Yoongi is utterly worried, the way he collapsed on the floor as if he lost his control over his body.
He never saw him going this vulnerable. He generally keeps his control until it's too much.
He keeps asking if he is okay.
Jimin is not responding, his eyes are wide as if he is inside a horrible dream. His breathe is uneven, nearly out of breath, clutching onto his shirt as if his life depends on it.
"I am sorry." That's what Jimin could say.
"I am sorry, Yoongi." That's all he could muster to say.
"Jimin, breathe-" Yoongi urges, he looks pale as if life is running out of him.
"I did not mean to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. I just wanted to-" His breathe is getting erratic, he holds onto him so tightly that it slightly hurts. Yoongi doesn't care about that but he knows Jimin only does that when he is in too much pain.
"Jimin!!! Calm down... We can talk later-"
"I was scared. I was scared, Yoongi. I was sacred if people get hurt because of me.
Again. I don't want to bear it again."
"Oh my god... Calm down... Calm down..." He just wants him to come back.
"People will bleed, scream for me. Just because of me.
Just because I am alive. I don't want that Yoongi. Ever."
"It will not happen again, yeah...
Calm down... Calm down."
He hiccups and Yoongi rubs his back trying to make him calm down.
"I am not selfish, Yoongi.
I am not."
Yoongi can't say no to the eyes who are saying the lines. He is extremely vulnerable right now.
And what is important is His siren came back, right here.
He is in his arms, not running away.
That's what matters.
That's the only thing matters.
"I was scared that You will hate me too. I can't... I can't take it."
The words stabs Yoongi straight into his heart, like a hundred needles pushed into his heart all at once. It's more like his ribcage is crushing his lungs.
If he could assure his siren months ago, nothing of these wouldn't have happened.
He feels like a jerk.
"Yeah... Yeah... You are not.. now calm down."
But Jimin is not still back in his sense so Yoongi keeps going,
"Love, I just need you to come back. Nothing else matters. Just come back."
"Calm down, take a deep breathe. Let it all out. I am here. I get it. I am here. I never hated you. I never hate you."
Jimin looks at him doe round eyes that reminds Yoongi more of the chokehold pictures of Jimin that he showed him, as if looking at him with so much expectations and trust.
He doesn't ask anything, so Yoongi keeps him in his arms, rubbing his back that he knows soothing to him.
"Calm down...."
It takes some time for Jimin to somehow come back to his senses.
He finds himself hugging Yoongi tightly as if he is hella scared to loose him. Yoongi is hugging him too, carding his fingers through his hair soothingly. Jimin missed it. He relaxes a little but the pain is still inside him. He groans a little.
"Hurts??" Yoongi asks.
Jimin nods pushing his head in the crook of his neck.
"Okay!! Let's help you now..."
Jimin shakes his head.
Somehow to Yoongi it feels more like a kid than the who literally is death incarnated for people.
"You are a menance...." Yoongi says with a exasperated voice.
Jimin can't stop the little curve of his lips. It Nearly sounded like Yoongi is pouting.
Yoongi could feel the smile of Jimin on his skin.
It's relaxing.
"Now if you have put me through enough torture for your heart's content can we go??"
Jimin smiles again. This time as Yoongi let him go. He stands up first and then tugs him up on his feet to stand.
Jimin doesn't resist.
So Yoongi takes him where the washroom is. Jimin is kinda clinging onto him, but he would rather have a body weight clinging onto him than living in the haunting void of it.
He opens the tap checking if the water is cold enough and then coaxed Jimin to put his hands under the running tap.
He himself showed this trick to him once.
Yoongi was quite taken aback at the time, cause it worked for him too and actually worked pretty magical. Specially when he used to have painful urge to scratch his eye scar. It used to call his nerves.
Jimin said to him this are some tricks that works for him.
Jimin flexes his finger under cold water, let the water fall over his wrists for some time. He sighs and relaxes.
"You remembered!!!" The voice is merely a whisper.
"It's effective.
How much I hate the person, still I remember the good things."
"So you hate me???" This time the question sounded more with mirth rather than sadness.
"Warm now???" Yoongi asks changing the tap water temperature.
Jimin nods and relaxes more when the warm water washes over.
"Maybe... Until you throw those blue lenses out!!" Yoongi answers to his previous question.
"Lenses!!" Jimin looks in the mirror infront of them.
"Why?? It looks cool to me."
His face is a mess with dried tear stains. Eyes are extremely puffy and red. His eyes are actually a little uncomfortable with the lense but he will not back off with Yoongi.
It's fine.
"That looks creepy, for fuck's sake." Yoongi replies animatedly.
But the issue is Yoongi is having a flashback.
The washroom is exactly similar to the one he saw in that terrible dream. The lights, the mirror, the washbasin, the cabinets.
'Burn me', the words echoes in his head again.
He jumps a little but maybe Jimin missed it.
Jimin smiles hearing his response, eyes crinkling in the corner for a second before he goes serious again.
"I am not carrying the case.... I can't."
"Buy again??" Yoongi suggests.
The blue lenses is actually creeping him out.
Jimin glares at him,
"Then go around the city to find this exact shade of lenses. I am not doing that."
"You don't have spare???" Yoongi asks incredulously.
Jimin has spares. Obviously.
But Yoongi doesn't need to know.
"No!!" He shakes his head.
"Doesn't sound convincing to me!!!"
"Anyways I am getting out soon, so why does it matter!!"
Jimin needs to go back.
"You are not going anywhere!!!!!!!" Yoongi speaks a little animatedly.
Jimin tries to speak but...
"No!!! We need to talk.
There are things we need to talk about. It's urgent."
"Yoo-"
"No it's just about just us.
It's more. And I don't want to talk about them now.
You are no good either."
"I can be back tomorrow-"
"I am not trusting your bullshit and I don't have energy to chase your ass again. So you are not going anywhere."
"Ughhh..... I hate you.
I hate everything about you."
"You can.
No one is stopping you. But you are not going anywhere." Yoongi just shruggs.
He is not letting him.
Jimin sighs.
"You are headache."
"Maybe...
I am hungry so thinking of order something."
"Anything that's not healthy." Jimin nods.
"I know." Yoongi sighs walking out of the washroom.
"You should take a shower, it will help."
"Can I get a pair of-"
Fresh clothes were thrown at him instantly. Jimin catches them with his reflex.
"No excuses. You are not going anywhere." Yoongi points out before vanishing inside the room leaving Jimin in the washroom, more because it's kind of scaring him.
Even though it's just a dream and right now Jimin doesn't need to know.
Yoongi's head is already aching with the words Jimin spoke some time ago.
How he was there for him all the time, while he struggled so deeply.
Jimin just rolls his eyes.
"Am I kidnapped????" He yells.
"No you are fucking trapped." Yoongi responds with a high pitched voice.
They needs to talk.
(Guys???
Are you okay???
Am I okay????????????)