The rhythmic hiss and suffocation of steam woke me. I was still in his room. The memories from the night before crashed all at once, sending my heart into a panic that made my captor turn.
The formal wear I had already grown accustomed to was discarded for loose linens, the cream fabric bunched around the creases of his elbows as he worked, the iron in his hand hissing softly. A string was caught between us, invisible and taught, his typically perfectly groomed locks rumpled and curling at odd angles around his ears. Rhazien didn't come to my side, instead lowering the heat on the house tool with a soft click. I pushed myself up, resting against the plush headboard, my head foggy but otherwise lighter than I had felt in days since I had first woken. His bed felt vast around me, cradling me in such a way that I felt the need to tuck my knees to my chest for comfort.
Rhazien's eyes were dark as he turned back to me, flickering between the sweating glass bottle propped in a melting ice bucket and me. The room was warm, and the smoldering embers of the brick fireplace suggested it had only just been extinguished.
"You can tell me what happened after you eat your breakfast."
A chair had been pulled from its indentation in the corner of the room to sit near the foot of his bed, a short stack of manuscripts tucked against its upholstery. From the bags under his eyes, he hadn't slept; it was a sharpness that hollowed out his warmth. The room's temperature seemed like an attempt to correct that feeling.
"I–"
Rhazien held up a hand, taking up his resting spot, the iron hissing next to a thick, hand-bound medical journal, spread eagle on the ironing board, the right side now significantly flatter than the left. "You eat and then talk, or you don't leave. We don't leave."
I frowned, directing my attention to the familiar stack of information now propped on his dresser. "What are you doing?"
The chair groaned as he turned, a frown creasing the corners of his eyes. "Refurbishing them."
"Those are the ones you gave me." The medical journal, littered with my bookmarks to come back to, information to fall back on. It was an insult that cut deeper than anything else, and I found myself capping the rage simmering in my gut. He demands I read his redundant books, yet erases my hard work? My eye twitched.
The iron hissed again. "Not for keepsake."
"I'm not drinking, that."
Rhazien snorted, the sound catching me off-guard. "It's not like it's cadaver origin. That bottle will make you feel better than any drug. I promise you." A sterner tone accentuated his words, scraping against gravelly bass. Grumpy.
I hugged my knees tighter.
The seconds dripped into minutes, the steam irritating him enough to lurch to his feet. His fists tight as he unclenched them, continuing the work diligently. If he wanted to say something, the tightness in his jaw prevented it.
I couldn't help but wonder if locking himself in here with me was some sort of self-inflicting punishment.
"What happened last night?"
I swallowed dust, lacing my fingers against my ankles, the skin still raw with a bruise I couldn't see. The memory fresh in my muscles, my hands aching in a remembrance chill.
"I'll start to refresh your memory." Hiss. A page turning, his hands gingerly placing the towel on the dog-eared corner, the iron pressing against the cloth, "We lost power to the house. I was restarting the generator when I heard thumping from your room." Rhazien stopped. Setting the iron down, his hand hovering over a short stack of paper slices. "I tried to speak to you, but you didn't respond. Luther was hissing, and that's when I knew something was wrong." His fingers fluttered back to life, deftly slipping the homemade bookmark over the page as he continued, "I tried to get in, but you had barricaded the door. I–" Rhazien clicked the iron off.
My heart burst through my throat at the way his eyes paled, how the dark circles around his eyes seemed to deepen. Horror, he had witnessed something truly terrible- me.
He wasn't easily going to tell me what he heard. What he saw.
"Finally, I got through... You could barely move... like that..." Rhazien collected himself, the mask slipping back over his features. "What. Happened?"
"I was reading..." My beast curled at the lie, at the slight slip of tongue, the urge to apologize and confess dogpiling the guilt. The Bond would be harder to force through than I initially thought. "Then everything felt cold."
"Cold, how?" Rhazien took one of the smaller hand-bound books, resting it against the back of the chair as he flipped through it.
"I don't know. Cold." The irritation prickled again: hunger. I hated how he looked at me through his lashes, loathed how the deep, shining blue danced between my face and the bottle of red within arm's reach. My teeth squeaked as I grit them. "Deep cold. The kind that cuts you to the bone."
Rhazien hummed. The sound rippling across my skin, my beast crooning at the noise.
"I saw someone."
The wavy brown strands around his head whipped as he jerked up. The frown deepening the crease building between his brow. "Who?"
"I-I don't know. They barely seemed human." My voice was weak and strained as I tried to suppress the cough building in my throat, the need to quench a burning thirst.
My resistance was in vain, the snap of the book in his hands jolting me awake, "What will it take?"
I hugged my legs tighter, the glasses seeming to whisper my name, my stomach begging me for more, only a tease I had received thus far. "Morally...I just can't, Rhazien. And it's absurd for you to think I can be okay with the idea of cannibalism overnight. No matter the point source."
"A compromise then. Switch out the source you're so worried about."
"To what?"
Rhazien shrugged, "Another mammal. It's not to my personal taste but is a vegan alternative to the traditional vitae."
"Well, why didn't you give me that to start with?" The flare ebbed higher in my skin, making my ears burn.
"If you were to try to convince someone who's never drunk milk before that not only is it harmless, but beneficial and actually taste's good... Would you serve them the finest? Or spoiled goods?"
I glared at him, the words vacant on my tongue.
"Exactly. One sniff, and you would have never opened that door again." A flicker of fear shot through his expression in a way that made me reconsider the offer. That and the rolling hunger that now had burbled into an unending nausea. Something I could very much do without.
"Fine."
He was so loud as he moved, his broad frame creaking the floor, bare feet shuffling on the carpet like static. The bell from downstairs as loud as if it were in the room with us. I closed my eyes again as I rested, trying to muffle the sensitive sounds like I had done so many other times... before.
"I'm not a monster." The words jostled me in the still silence, time falling further and further away from my control each night I refused to eat. Torpor. The call to ancient vampires to sleep forever.
Ancient and hungry.
Rhazien had returned to the books, starting on a new volume. He added the medical journal to the stack on his right, a large palm correcting it so it perfectly aligned with the others.
I was stunned by the comment, reverting to practiced phrases in my time of need, "I know."
"But do you, though?" He didn't look at me as he spoke, and I appreciated that, unable to lie to his face right now. The muscles in his shoulders were visibly tight, even through the loose-fitting shirt.
I stared at the ornate rug that ran across the room, my gaze following the golden loops and swirls as if they would lead me to a safe answer, "I'm familiar with monsters."
A hiss, his hands stopped mid-action,
"A monster would have done more horrible things than you've done so far." I didn't want to reassure or forgive him for his actions, but the opportunity to speak, plead my case, and compel compassion seemed too great to risk any dishonesty. I could tell that he wanted to ask, his jaw tightening with the effort to keep it shut.
"I'm sorry."
Two words. Not unfamiliar. Perhaps the most spoken in the world, right behind the looming three: I love you. Yet, they held so much more weight, so much more promise, of change, of forgiveness... of regret. Two words that flew me into a blind rampage before, now filling me with nothing but ice. The curling clutches of that creature wrapped around my legs, threatening to pull me under, so again I reverted to the script. "I know."
I dared to steer the tension away, Jane's footsteps creaking down the hall. All the hours in my room allowed me to memorize their gaits, hers the shortest of them all, oddly providing comfort in this place. Her visage human enough for me to not question her intentions. Unlike my Sire.
"Will it be enough? An animal substitute?"
"It'll have to be if that's what you've set your mind to."
His tone left me little reassurance, the knock light as Jane appeared, shuffling the trays, setting the melting one beside my Sire. Her look was almost reproachful as she poured me a hearty glass of thick dark liquid from the bottle marked 'Venison.'
Rhazien did not look at her as he spoke, "Thank you, Jane. I'll be taking my meals in here for now."
"That's not necessary." I blurted to the woman; Jane taken aback by my outburst.
Rhazien glanced over his shoulder at me, the side-eye enough to make me shiver.
I had to leave this room. "I'll go back to my room tonight. I'll cooperate."
Jane flickered anxiously between Rhazien and me, his tone low as he spoke, "You can tell her."
I blinked, staring at the woman, her skin blanching white. "It will take several nights to repair the damage done to your room." She dipped her head in a short curtsy, backing out of the room before I could fully process her words.
"If you feel well enough to move, we can start honing your abilities today."
I sighed, walking into a verbal trap, "Can't I just rest?"
"Each night you refuse to cooperate is added onto your twelve weeks." His jaw tilted to look at me, the slight smirk nearly indistinguishable behind his facial hair, "Or did you think you could just sleep away the time you're supposed to be working?"
I bit my tongue, the ash taste filling my mouth. My fangs were drawn, pulled tight across my teeth, so natural it made a worm squirm in my gut.
"We'll start small. Work on the easiest aspects of Conjuring. We're behind schedule, but I'm not an asshole."
"That remains to be seen."
A small snort, a smile reciprocated that I tried to hide behind the glass I drew to my lips. I held my breath as I drank, resisting the urge to spit it right back out again. Tears burned my eyes as I swallowed, forcing my beast to accept the compromise, especially after something so fulfilling as Rhazien's blood.
My eyes fluttered open to the scene of a disgusted expression, wrinkling his large nose, a grimace as he smacked his lips, "Everything you dreamed of?"
I scowled, relaxing my tongue as I forced the rest of the glass back, my body welcoming the protein. The sharp edges of my pain dulled into something more tolerable with each open-throated swallow. I cleared my throat to speed up the linger of something both sour and rotten sweet. It did not compare in the slightest for quality. I poured from the second bottle marked 'Veal,' doing my best to hide my disgust. "How does it work?"
"It sounds lazy, but it will come to you." Satisfied with the start of my meal, he turned his back again to me. The rustle of his shirt revealed a gold chain that rested against his spine, thick black tendrils tracing up his shoulders, caught in the transparency of the warm glow of sconces. "It came quickly to me, The Conjuring. With my blood, it should do the same for you. It's easier to explain once I can demonstrate." There was a hint of expectation in his words as if I failed to do this, I would be a disappointment. An emotion I hoped he was prepared for.
According to the texts I had managed to read, I should have felt an innate power already. An urge that ebbed as a curiosity to control and manipulate. So far, I had felt nothing but anger and this grating hunger. With that thought, I threw back the second glass, more tolerable than the first but left me gagging, layered with a bitter undertone.
"Finish a bottle, any bottle, and I'll help you downstairs."
"I can get down perfectly fine by myself."
"That remains to be seen."
My cheeks flushed in a burn that rose to my ears, my glare concentrated on my glass as I poured from the third, hoping it was the lucky charm. The 'Lamb' was the most tolerable after all, the hunger realizing that this would not simply be another snack but an opportune meal. I unconsciously emptied the bottle before realizing my lips were secured around the tip.
Rhazien had already put his craft away neatly, his cheeks dark as he held out a hand to me; it quickly filled with my empty bottle, my nail tapping the glass surface. "More of this one."
"Whatever it takes." He set the bottle aside, offering both hands to me, the earnest expression making the ground feel watery underneath my toes. Whatever strength was absorbed from the meal made hasty work on my limbs. Before too shaky to lean, now strong enough to run. I stepped away from his arms, a muttered thanks slipping from my lips like a bad habit.
He led me past the doors in the hall, quick to turn the corner down at the bottom of the stairs. I could hear her sweeping, the distant sound of a wood plank being sawed somewhere. I froze in the doorway, My Sire's steps fading into a recent memory.
The door to my room was gone, large gashes in the wooden frame, where the hinges had been ripped out by force. Jane worked with a dustpan to collect the slivers of sharp wood cast throughout the room. Holes had been punched through the floor, leaving gaping wounds in a rhythmic pattern that led to the braided golden rope. Torn and frayed, higher than I could reach, nearly disappearing into the tall ceiling.
I swallowed, tracing the deep cuts into the dated wallpaper, shredded like tissue, streaks of dark red sunk into the plaster beneath. It was pure carnage. A deadly carnivore led to slaughter. The room stunk of ammonia and soap, the floors glossy in thick streaks and spots where a trail had once lain. Jane's mouth tightened into a hard line as I felt the ebbing pain of my bruised fingertips, remembering the splitting, cracking pain that had trembled up my arms. The blood crusted in blotches underneath the thin layer of white on my nails.
Rhazien cleared his throat, the house flexing as he rocked on his heels, deciding it better not to speak.
I shoved down the fear, the spasm widening in my chest at how real it all seemed. I didn't dare meet my Sire's gaze as I turned, following him towards his office. Instead, he jerked right, holding the door kiddy-corner to his office open for me.
I blinked at the bright room, pupils adjusting from the dimness he usually had the rest of the home set to. The space was empty, excluding the wall of mirrors and randomly scattered individual gym equipment. Barbells and medicine balls, of course, nothing fancy for this old-fashioned creature.
The mat squeaked underneath my feet, the space easily the footprint of both the dining and receiving room, laid with rollable gymnastic mats. One's that you could collapse onto in a sweating heap. Rhazien pushed past me, the proximity enough to make me flush again at the unexpected thought.
The room was a makeshift Dojo, my gaze unable to help but search for any inky shadows that may have lurked in the crevices. I had akinned my dislike for the night with the uneasey loom it held over me, that and a wildly active imagination.
But after last night, I didn't know what to think. And that fear was how I ended up having a nightlight still at the ripe age of 27. I frowned, realizing I had to decide now which birthday to keep track of. They weren't kidding when they said your thirties sneak up on you.
Rhazien positioned himself in the center of the room, crossing his legs over each other as he sat, an arm out to gesture for me to join him on the floor. I ignored my reflection, the ghost of my former self, less bones and more muscle, but still nearly unrecognizable. My knees popping as I attempted to mimic the movement.
"Conjuring is kindred specific. Unless you and I have experienced the same moment, I cannot conjure the things you've experienced and vice versa. The urge is pulled from a memory that is so vivid you can taste it. We will use these strong memories to begin."
I watched him patiently, how his features settled into their stony calm, not even disturbed with a breath. Chin tilted towards the ceiling as if resting on the clouds that swarmed his head. I gasped at the distant bell tinkling. So loud... It couldn't be.
A black cat with gray paws padded out from behind Rhazien, sitting next to the man, long tail curling around his toes. The sharp green was unmistakable, even without the tag at his throat. Rhazien was watching me, my hand shaking as I reached for the animal, his nose brushing against my knuckle, wet.
I couldn't help the choked sound of surprise that burbled from my throat, the cat brushing his cheeks against my hand, gaze investigative, curious. He felt so real, his purr vibrating through me as I scratched his ears, soft and flicking. As alive as I was.
Rhazien brushed the cat with his palm, the animal retreating from my grasp to climb into My Sire's lap. I blinked, a behavior I had never witnessed. It seemed like the two deeply disdained each other whenever they were in the same room. Rhazien brushed his thumb along the cat's spine, his form disappearing with the movement like a wisp of smoke.
I blinked, unable to glower at the small smile that spread from Rhazien's lips at my pure, adoring shock. "Your turn."
My mouth snapped shut. It felt so real. Swallowing as the fear started to ebb. Had I imagined the ghoul in my room last night? Had it sprung from a bout of madness? I didn't dare ask the question aloud and give my Sire another reason to report my failings to Valentine. I didn't want to risk imagining the consequences. My brows scrunched again, using a different question to buy myself more time. Rhazien was patient now, but with the bags under his eyes only growing with each passing minute, I wondered how long that would last.
"How do I start?"
"A memory. Any one. You don't need to imagine the whole moment, just an item or a thing in that scene. Could be as simple as a cup; I want you to visualize, really focus on the thought."
His words rumbled through me as I shut my eyes, the red behind them glowing from the room's bright. The lights loud as they buzzed in my ears.
My mind was a blank fucking wall.
Just a void room with nothing but me standing inside it.
All the stupid thoughts and recollections disappeared as if they had never before been conjured.
Rhazien hummed again, the pitch requiring my attention. I was glad to realize his focus wasn't on me but the lights above us. He stood, another waft of him drowning me in his tropical, my mouth watering not of my own accord. The crease in my brow smoothed when the lights were dimmed to dull, casting the room in an orangey hue. I turned, watching Rhazien as he stepped, his fingers tapping each pane of glass as he walked the room's parameters. The movement rippled the mirror like water as it dissipated into nothing but a smooth white wall.
"You're overthinking. I want you to focus on your memory, not you within it, but the thought itself. As if it were an object you could hold in your palm. Once you have it, where you can feel it in your grasp, I want you to open your eyes."
He took the seat before me, my irritation so quick to surface lately, a burning coal that never seemed to fully suffocate. "I don't know what to focus on."
Rhazien's tongue clicked, a sound that seemed to bounce around the room. "Have you ever played with sand before?" The corners of his eyes crinkled at my incredulous look, "It's a universally recognized texture, unique and hard to accidentally mimic with anything fake."
I scowled, trying to smooth my features into calm, the movement forced and awkward compared to his grace.
Rhazien's voice, before me, the rumble of his bass before the first pitch. I focused on the feel of his frequency, the way the air captured it in its humidity. "You are a Seneschal's Childer. Once you leave this house, everything you do will be reflected on me. With this responsibility, you will also receive perks. To enjoy them? You must survive. The beast is tempting, and I have already witnessed your control over her. Use her anguish to power your strengths. Many people will want to kill you out of spite, jealousy... Of your abilities, of your ranking– or even because of your association with me." His voice was too low, a breath of warning laced with stifling promise, "Learning your most innate ability to bend the mind of your attacker is the key to protecting yourself... Feel the damn sand."
I bit back my growl, the beast listening patiently to Rhazien, his blood still singing in my veins. I tried to feel the grains in my fingertips, the way it would slither across your skin, soft and yet sharp if held onto too tight. I pressed my hands into the mat, feeling it sink beneath my fingers, damp and cool. The brush of wet grains pushed against repaired skin. My heart hammered, lashes fluttering open to the mossy surface beneath me.
It was conflicting to have so much pride in something you did incorrectly.
The sand I was trying to pull instead was replaced with the hearty scent of dirt and decay. The air around me not warm and salty, but damp and crisp. Freshened by the long trees that loomed so high I couldn't see their tops. A hazy and muted glow of moonlight scattered through the branches above, creating playful shadows against wet ferns and damp moss-covered logs. The air settled around me, wrapping me in its crisp hug of death, decay, life, and promise. I stood, testing the limits of the illusion, sinking my toes into the earth, the twigs snapping beneath my heels. I couldn't help the amazement that radiated through every pore; I didn't care what the texts said: This was profoundly magical. My hair tickled my face, caught on a cold nightly breeze as I ran a hand along the deep scars and grooves of the conifers. A rolly polly bug skittering across the top of my feet.
The likeness of Luther had been remarkable. This... This was reality bending.
The woods were silent, excluding the rustle and creak of winds on tall branches. I found the urge hard to fight, something profound tugging me to explore, to enjoy the beauty momentarily, no matter how fleeting. The beast was quiet now, and I felt vacant. Not alone or empty like the night before, more... peaceful. I found a mossy patch cast in the moon's pale glow, curling against the wood, inhaling the deep, fresh scents. Listening to the music of animals in the brush and pinecones tumbling to the ground.
The stinging in my eyes surprised me, my fingertips coming back faintly pink, the tear no free, streaming down my cheek. My heart rattled in my chest- an old retired kind of wheeze as if it took forgot the peace nature used to provide me. I let my nails fill with soil as I dug them into the earth, my mind quiet except for the nightmare I had experienced before.
I rubbed my arms, the awakening nip transfiguring into a bone-chilling ache. I looked over my shoulder, suspiciously watching the dense, endless expanse of trees. My skin burned, the ache traveling through my veins like a toxic stream.
The shadows in the woods lengthened, darkening into a black fog that seemed to roll toward me, washing the moonlit shrubbery in its sticky tar form. I froze, unable to move, the fear of all darkness could bring, still fresh on my tongue, a shiver forcing the call to free from my throat, "Rhazien...?"
If this was how he would teach me to conquer fear, it was a cruel and ruthless game. I clambered to my feet, knees suddenly unsure of their purpose, making me stumble as I stepped. I yelped as a stick dug into my heel, the rot littered around me, crystalizing and freezing before my eyes. I tried to focus my panicked, useless breathing, calling for my beast, willing her to the surface. Instead, the darkness oozed towards me, devouring everything in its inky wake. The thoughts of the creature compounded into me over and over again, the feel of her nails down my spine, her hand across my throat.
My feet continued to awkwardly stumble backward, instincts pulling me away where fear had taken over. Unable to watch anything but the neverending darkness. My back collided with something cold and hard, freezing as I witnessed the shadows end just a few feet beyond my toes. It had created a cage for me in the woods. My hair rustled. A sudden stray wind manifested that had since died down.
A single drop of sweat traveled down my spine.
No breeze blew here anymore.
I twisted slowly, swallowing the knot in my throat. My step slipping into darkness as I fell, my tongue swollen in my mouth, limbs useless as I tumbled onto the rough earth.
She floated there, inches above the ground. Toes dangling, loose from her feet, stretched and broken. Her gown was in tatters, thin material swaying in an empty wind. My voice came suddenly stampeding out, her hanging head snapping up as I attempted to make a sound.
Silence.
All I felt was silence.
No Rhazien.
Nor my beast.
Or my voice.
Caught in a silent o.
The woman opened blue, chapped, thin lips, hollow cheeks ripping as her jaw swung open with too much force. Pulled down by a grip I couldn't see. A wet wail trapped in her chest as she lunged for me. Gnarled, white fingers reaching for my face. I was screaming, but all I could hear was the wet slapping, gurgling sound from her throat. Stars filled my eyes as I hit my head on the base of the tree trunk, shrinking from her ghastly hovering body. The schlucking I realized, her tongue, as it slapped against the roof of her mouth.
I closed my eyes, the tears running down my cheeks as she clasped my face in her damp, chilled palms. The air ached me, wet and salty, a tremble escaping my hold as her thumb brushed the fullness of my cheek.
There was a loud snap, and I found my scream as her body collapsed over mine. Another pair of hands, warmer, clutching the back of my shoulder and the top of my arm. Rough and calloused, holding both firm and light. I opened my eyes to the blinding of the Dojo, the glacial mist that was her body clinging to every crease in my skin.
"River." Rhazien spoke as he shook me, my skin thawing and tensing at his touch. A groan that bubbled into a growl as I hissed at him,
"That was low Rhazien...." My tone promised bloodshed, the beast simpering back into me like a beaten puppy. I sent a wave of displeasure down to her as she slithered into her basket.
"What did you see?" His voice was firm, not moving a muscle as he crouched before me, damn blue eyes glistening.
"You haunted me with that... thing..." I spat, not regretting any ounce of poison. I did not call the darkness. And I certainly didn't call her.
Rhazien's gaze was unyielding on me, "No. No, I did not." He stood suddenly, offering me a hand. "We need to see someone. Now." His lips pressed into such a thin line I thought they had disappeared.
I took his palm, feeling that fear seep back into my skin, Rhazien pulling me to my feet with ease, his steps quicker out the door,
"Wear something warm."