Spencer opened her eyes, she squinted as the room was too bright.
She furrowed her brows as she realized she wasn't in her home.
Her head hurt.
"What the fuck" she groaned to herself.
She tried to remember what happened. How she ended up there.
She remembered the party. Something happened with Remus.
"What the fuck" she sat up, her head hurt really bad.
She rubbed her eyes.
She looked down at what she was wearing, an oversized tee and no pants.
Where did her pants go?
She got out of the room and went downstairs, she found Sirius in the kitchen.
"Hello darling" he put the news paper down.
"Shh" she shook her head. "Why are you yelling."
He chuckled, "your hair is a mess" he noted.
"Why didn't I go home last night?" she asked as she ran her hand through her hair.
The front door opened, they both turned to see who it was.
They were breathing heavily, trying to catch their breath.
Remus came into the kitchen, he stood in place as he saw Spencer.
Spencer's eyes widened slightly as she remembered something happened between then last night.
She smacked him.
Why did she?
"Hi" he looked at her.
She looked down at her legs, she pulled her shirt down.
"Where are my pants?" she asked Sirius.
"Dunno" he shrugged.
"I need to leave" she answered. "And where's my wand?"
"Dunno" he drank his tea.
With a hand movement, she magically pushed the cup slightly. She caused the tea to fall over him.
He looked down, sighing at the mess.
He took his shirt off, then poured himself more tea.
"Where's Andrew?"
"He went home, gave him a sober up potion" Sirius answered.
"Give me one" she walked up to him.
"Nop" he smiled before sitting down.
"I have one" Remus spoke. "It's in my room" he added.
She stared at him for a second, something happened.
What happened?
"Thanks" she nodded.
He turned to go up to find it, she followed him.
There was an awkward silence.
She stood outside his door as he looked for it, he handed her a pair of pants.
"Thanks" she whispered, putting them on and magically making them smaller.
Then he handed her the cure, she took it. "Yuck" she shook her head.
He laughed, "give it a minute."
She felt better after the minute, she gave him a small smile.
She looked at him, for the first time she actually looked at him.
He was sweaty.
Andrew was right, he had cut his hair.
He had a new scar that came out of his shirt.
And he was growing out his beard.
She thought about the fact that she has seen him naked.
She had felt him inside of her before.
She was staring to much, she realized.
She walked down to the kitchen, not saying anything else to him.
Her head still hurt, not as much as before but she could feel it.
"Can I have my phone please?"
"I don't know where it is" Sirius shrugged.
There was a vibrating sound that came from his body.
"And I'm to assume you're making that noise?"
Remus came into the kitchen again, he changed his clothes.
"What's for breakfast Pads?"
"Make yourself something I'm not your maid."
Remus chuckled as he shook his head.
"Phone" she put her hand out. "Now."
"I don't know where that sound is coming from."
She accio'd the phone without speaking, Mason was calling.
Her eyes widened, "what did you do?" she asked him.
"What did you do" he smirked.
"I don't know" she said. "I... you never gave me my phone, right?"
"Correct, but then you remembered magic existed" he smiled. "So really, your fault."
She looked back down at the call, she answered.
"Good morning, how are you doing?" he asked.
"Hey, good. Headache. You?"
"Good."
There was a silence.
"Did I, maybe, call you last night?"
Mason laughed.
"Oh god" she sat down. "What did I say."
"Don't worry, it was very cute" he laughed.
"Shut up, I embarrassed myself I already know it."
"Well, you left a number of voicemails at 4 in the morning."
Spencer shut her eyes.
"The first one was about you wondering whether or not I really truly like you, which I do. And you basically just talked about how you're a lot to handle, which you're not. And that you can be a better person for me if I'd just told you what you could work on" he said.
She sighed.
"You don't need to change anything for me" he added. "I don't want you to think that, you're a wonderful person Spencer" he assured her. "The second voicemail was about how much you like me and how you're finally ready for me to meet the Weasley's. Which we can talk about again when you're ready. You also said you're really lucky to have me and that you're really happy with me."
Spencer stared at the table.
"Your third voicemail was you realizing all you had said and hoping I'd forget you ever said it, which I won't" he laughed. "Did you have fun?"
"Yeah" she answered, half lying.
"I'm glad."
She took a deep breath.
"Don't worry about it, okay? Everything is fine."
"Totally" she nodded. "I think I just need to rest."
"Yes, hangovers are the worst" he agreed. "Let me know if you want me to stop by, I've been told I'm very good company."
She chuckled, "I'll text you."
"Bye."
She hung up.
"So," Sirius looked at her, "what'd he say."
"I'm banned from hanging out with you, you're a bad influence" she replied.
"Me? You were the one taking shots every 5 seconds!"
She tried to think about why.
Why did she drink so much? What happened?
She ran her hand through her hair, "I should go."
"Stay. Remus is making breakfast" he offered.
"I should see how Andy is doing" she shook her head.
"Andy got called into work" Sirius replied. "Remus make sure to give her a plate."
"Stop making my decisions for me- I hate when you do that."
"No you don't" he smirked into his cup.
She levitated the news paper and smacked him on his head.
"You should stay" Remus offered.
"Thanks," she told Sirius, "but no thanks." She put her jacket on and placed her bag in her shoulder. "I'll bring the pants back" she nodded.
"Keep them" he shook his head.
She shook hers, "no, I'll bring them back" she assured
"See you soon" she kissed Sirius' head before making her way out of his house.
She walked to her car and drove back home.
Something was off, she just didn't know what it was.
It felt like she needed to cry.
There was something gnawing at her from the inside, begging to be released.
But she didn't know why.
Her shoulders felt heavy.
Once she arrived home she went to the bathroom, changing out of Sirius' shirt and putting on a sweatshirt Remus had left behind.
She gave herself a quick look in the mirror, she was going to leave but she saw something weird.
She got closer, her eyes were rimmed with a red only crying would do.
She was crying?
Why was she crying?
And why couldn't she remember?
She looked back down at her pants, Remus' pants.
She took them off before plopping into her bed.
She stared at the ceiling, trying to rack her head over what happened the night before.
Why can't I remember? she asked herself.
She knew she drank a lot but it couldn't have been enough to forget the whole night.
She closed her eyes and focused, trying to imagine how the night started.
She could see herself walking into the house, greeting Sirius and meeting his cousin.
After a few hours of talking to people, she left to go upstairs by the alcove.
It was loud and she needed some space.
As she stared out of the window she could hear someone coming up the steps and then...
Then?
She opened her eyes, then what happened?
She couldn't remember.
She tried again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
She got up and went to the kitchen, making herself something to eat.
A couple of hours passed before she decided to go and ask Severus what it could be.
This wasn't just a simple black out.
She stood up from the couch and put jeans on before walking out and getting in her car again.
She drove to Severus' place, then knocked on his door.
"You can call, you know?" he said once he opened it.
"So... you want me to leave?"
He rolled his eyes before opening the door and letting her in.
"What happened now?"
"I can't come visit you for no reason?"
"Must we got through this every time" he gave her a look.
"Ok, fine. Something happened" she answered as she sat on a chair.
He sat on the table in front of her.
"I got drunk last night... very drunk" she told him.
"Good for you?" he asked confused.
"Something happened. I don't know what it is."
"Well, what do you think happened?"
"Something with Remus. I- I can't explain it I just know. But I can't remember why."
"What do you mean you can't remember?"
"So you know how you remember something? Well I don't" she answered.
He rolled his eyes, she chuckled.
"It's a blur, I can remember up to one point of the night and then blah."
"Blah?"
"Blah" she nodded.
"You probably blacked out" he shrugged. "You could just ask Black what happened."
"Well, I thought I blacked out. But, I feel weird. I can't explain it. Like, I know something bad happened and I want to cry and wallow and- I don't know. And my head still hurts- I don't know why since I took a sober up-"
"Your head hurts?" he cut her off.
She chuckled, "have you ever been drunk?"
"How long has it been since you took the sober up?"
"Dunno, couple hours maybe?"
He shook his head, "you don't think...?"
"What?"
He took a deep breath, "that they got in your head."
"What- no why would they do that."
He shrugged, "maybe you found something out."
She shook her head, "no, they wouldn't do that."
"It's the only explanation-"
"Can you look?"
His eyes widened, "you want me to-"
"It's not like it's your first time" she cut him off. "Besides, I trust you."
He relaxed.
Trust.
He had hers.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah" she nodded. "You won't hurt me" she smiled.
Severus gave her a soft smile before looked inside her head, she could feel him poke around- the feeling was unexplainable.
But he was being soft, delicate.
She knew this since it was a great difference from the first time he entered her mind.
The first time, when he found out about Addison, he was harsh- he was angry. Her head hurt for a week after he went in.
It felt like pins were poking her brain, like a migraine on the sunniest day.
"It seems like you've blocked the memories from yourself."
"What?" she opened her eyes.
"They're bad walls, starting at the root" he answered. "So most likely it was self inflicted."
"I can do that! Why would I do that?"
"Maybe it wasn't intentional, maybe it was" he shrugged.
"That can happen?" she asked.
"No, it's rare. But since your magic isn't that of the average person it's most likely what happened" he answered. "I doubt they did this to you."
"So, can you break through them?"
"Of course I can, but do you want to? There must be a reason why you hid them from yourself" he replied.
"I was drunk" she shook her head. "That's not fair."
He dove into her mind, breaking away the wall that hid the events that happened the night before.
They both experienced everything for the first time.
The alcove.
The staring.
The slap.
The conversation in the backyard.
When he got out the two stared at one another, not saying anything.
She looked away, embarrassed at what he had just found out.
Embarrassed at what she did.
"Did he talk to you this morning?"
"Yeah" she answered. Thinking about their exchange.
"Was he angry?"
"No, he... he was nice? He told me to stay for breakfast."
Severus rolled his eyes, "he's not giving up."
Spencer intertwined her hands, "why?"
"Isn't it obvious? He wants you back" he answered. "Think about what Black said."
She took a deep breath.
"Does this change things for you?"
She looked back up at him. Unsure of an answer.
"I don't know" she confessed. "I don't know if he meant what he told Sirius. I don't know if he'll ever apologize. He hasn't apologized. I don't know anything."
"You know how you feel."
"Do I?" she asked. "Maybe Sirius was right, maybe I am ignoring him because deep down I'm scared I'll fall in love with him all over again" she shrugged.
He took a deep breath, "I can't answer that for you."
"Can't you? Can't you just tell me not to talk to him ever again? Can't you just threaten him into leaving me alone?" she took a deep breath. "He wants to be friends."
"It's up to you."
"I don't want to be friends" she shook her head. "I- I don't want him in my life anymore."
She took a deep breath, "Sev... I don't like anything about me" she confessed.
"Hey" he shook his head.
"He made me feel like that. And he was right in telling me that" she cut him off. "This life isn't me- the only reason I'm wearing this sweater is because Remus left it. I don't even like the sweater that much" she gave a sad chuckle. "He didn't ask for it back, he knows he left it behind" she sniffled. "What am I supposed to do? I don't know what to do" she looked up at him.
He sighed.
"I don't know how to be, it didn't get better. It doesn't get easier. I can't keep lying to myself saying that it's all going to change when I'm just living my life for no reason. I have nothing to show for the life I've lived and I have nobody in my life who's better off for having knowing me."
"You have me. And Potter. And believe it or not, Lupin and Black."
She stared at the floor.
"Keep him at an arms distance" he answered. "Time will tell" he put his hand on her knee.
"Will you hate me if time is on his side?" she asked in a timid whisper.
"I could never hate you" he shook his head. "Everything happens for a reason, so if it's meant to be I guess it's meant to be."
She chuckled, "I don't think it is" she sniffled. "I hate not knowing."
"I know" he agreed. "But I'll be here with you every step of the way."
She bit the inside of her lip.
"It's brave that you get up in the morning when your heart aches and life is messy. It's brave that you keep going- that you believe in something more, something bigger, even if you don't know what you're hoping for."
She sniffled as she nodded, "thanks."
He brought her in for a hug, rubbing her back before kissing her head. "And tell Black that if he prohibits you from calling me ever again I will kill him."
She chuckled against him, "he wanted to be the one to make me feel better."
"That's not his job."
"And it's yours?" she took her body back and looked at him.
A moment passed before he answered, "has been."