Lela was still in a daze an hour after Molly left. The phone rang, shocking her out of her stupor, and she got up to answer it. "Hello?"
"Hey, it's me. Sorry about not answering earlier, we were at our fishing spot near Allenspark and cellphone reception is shit up there."
Would've been nice if you'd left a note. "Are you on your way home?"
The long silence on the other end made her wonder if he'd lost signal. "Um. Not yet. The boys and I are... gonna hang out awhile longer. We'll bring back dinner, okay?"
"I guess I'll see you at dinner then." She hung up the phone, knowing she'd probably cut him off, but didn't care. She stomped into her bedroom and grabbed her laptop. Her fingers were itching to write an angry letter to her Superman, and her mood when she was finished would determine if she'd share it with him or delete it.
Lela was laying in the tub, listening to music and starting on her second glass of wine when she heard the door to the bedroom open and then close. Writing out her feelings had always helped calm her down, and she was in a much better mood now. She wasn't sure if she should holler something from the bathroom or wait for him to come in.
He decided for her by opening the bathroom door and closing it behind him. He crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't like when people hang up on me."
Her good mood soured. She sat up, splashing water down the side of the tub. "I don't like when people disappear on me." She crossed her arms, imitating him.
He stared at her.
She glared right back.
Her shiver broke the spell. Handing her the towel off of the hook by the tub, he held out his hand for her to hold as she stepped out of the bath. She toweled off and slipped on her robe, aware he was watching her. She turned to find him leaning back against the door to the bathroom. He didn't move when she approached.
"Nope. Not till we talk about this."
She turned away from him and took a seat on the counter, crossing her legs. "All right then, talk."
"I know you're mad at me for not leaving a note, and I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I couldn't sleep last night after everything, and I guess neither could Colin and T. We were all up early and decided to go fishing. I hadn't intended on being out there so long, but we got to talking about what happened, and they're both really upset—"
"I can understand that, but I'm upset too."
He crossed over to where she sat and wrapped her in one of his bear hugs. He sighed into her hair. "I know. I'm... well..."
She pulled away. "You're what?" Panic swelled in her chest.
"I just can't believe my family did that, on a holiday, in front of your kids. Are they all right?"
"Not really. We had a long conversation this morning. They cut their trip short, given the circumstances."
"Shit. So they know? About us? Before?"
"Well last night's argument over dinner made it a forgone conclusion. I told them the truth after everyone else left the barn." She shook her head and shrugged. "I should've told them ages ago, but the truth is, I was chicken. I knew they'd be upset, and selfishly, I wanted to have as much time with them not knowing as I could. They know now, which is hard, but also a relief."
Nathan wiped away the tears from her cheeks. "I'm sorry, baby."
"Thanks." She hopped down from the counter to grab a tissue to blow her nose. "So how was your day?"
"Shitty. Colin and T were picking at each other. Colin said some hateful things to the both of us." He squinted at his reflection in the mirror.
"Oh boy." She went to him and put her arms around his waist.
He continued. "I told him we're going to talk about his behavior in our next session with the therapist."
Still holding on to him, she moved to his side and gazed at his reflection. "What did he say?"
"He said..."—his voice wavered—"he said he hated living apart from both me and his mom, and he hated seeing me with you." He hung his head, his hands in fists on the countertop.
She sighed sadly and stroked his back with her left hand. "How is Trevayne?"
He lifted his head to look at her. "He's trying his best to be brave for his brother and me, but I can tell he's devastated, like we all are, I suppose."
"What do you need from me? How can I help?" She dabbed at a stray tear on his cheek.
"I just... I don't know what to do, myself. I guess I need time to figure this all out."
"You don't have to figure it all out on your own, sweet man, I'm here."
* * *
Christmas was her favorite holiday, and Lela was so excited to share it with Nathan and his boys this year. She decorated the inn in tasteful evergreen and cherry-red plaids with complimentary cream- and gold-colored decorations. The bungalow was decked out with precious family heirlooms and live garland, and the Christmas tree, which glowed with white lights, stood proudly by her front window. All of her children's ornaments were lovingly hung on the tree. She added a new ornament every year, and this year she'd even bought special ornaments for Nathan's boys. Christmas music played loudly throughout the house, and she was just starting to hang the rest of the ornaments on the tree when Nathan and the boys arrived.
"Hey, you've got the tree up!" Trevayne yelled excitedly. He ran over and hugged her.
"Hey there, T. I do have the tree up. Do you want to help me finish decorating it?"
"Yeah!"
She laughed at his exuberance. "Okay, put your clothes and things away in your room, and then we'll get started. Oh! And I have a surprise for you, but you have to get everything put away first."
"K!" He was gone in a flash.
Her Superman smiled as his youngest blurred past. He kissed Lela softly on the lips. "Hey, baby."
"Hi, sweet man. Where's Colin?" she asked, looking around.
His smile fell. "He snuck past and went into their bedroom. He's in a bad mood. This pre-teen thing is total bullshit."
Lela cracked a half smile, familiar with the drama of almost-teenage boys. "Ah yes. I remember it well. Is he still upset about Thanksgiving? I thought you two talked it out with the therapist?"
"I thought so too, but he's still not handling things very well. He's been journaling his thoughts and sharing them in our sessions. The therapist says it's going to take a while to get through everyone's issues..." he replied, his eyes darting away from her.
She frowned. Nathan was stewing on something. She decided to leave it alone, he would tell her when he was ready. "Are you hungry?"
"Maybe in a little while. I'm going out to the barn to check on things. Hopefully the plumbing and electrical are done so they can hang the drywall next week."
"I expect a full report when you get back," she joked, slapping him on the butt before he could walk away. He didn't even crack a smile. It had been a while since he needed to escape to the barn to get his mind straight. Don't start freaking out, Lela, he just needs time.
Colin resurfaced thirty minutes later. She heard movement in the kitchen; the fridge door opened and closed. Trevayne heard it too.
"Hey, Colin, come here! Lela got you an ornament. She got one for me too! Come look!"
A loud scoff was his only reply. He took the bottle of juice and stomped back into the bedroom, slamming the door.
Lela whistled. "Wow. Colin's in a really bad mood."
"Yeah. Him and Dad were arguing the whole way over here. He didn't want to stay with you, he wanted to stay with Mom."
"Oh." Lela's heart broke a little. "Let me go check on him, I'll be right back."
She knocked softly at first, then harder. The door opened. The little man in front of her was annoyed, his pre-teen hormones on high.
"What?" he demanded, arms crossed.
Lela took a deep breath to calm herself. "Colin, I understand you're angry with me, but you still need to be respectful to me and this house. Please don't slam doors while you're here." She didn't mean for it to come out as strict as it sounded, but she needed to lay down the rules. She wasn't going to condone his bad behavior just because his dad wasn't around.
"Whatever." With a fierce roll of his eyes and a loud sigh for emphasis, he closed the door in her face, softly this time at least.
Lela decided to take it as a win. She returned to the living room and finished decorating the tree with Trevayne. They'd moved on to making hot cocoa when Nathan puffed his way through the front door. A chilly blast of wind followed him in.
"I guess the front came through?" Lela said, offering him a steaming mug of cocoa.
"Seems so," he replied, accepting the mug. "Wow, the tree looks great, buddy." He patted Trevayne on the head then looked around. "Where's Colin?"
"He's still in his room."
"He slammed the door, and Lela told him to stop," Trevayne volunteered as he dumped a huge handful of marshmallows into his mug.
Lela cringed, wondering if she'd overstepped. Colin had been on his best behavior ever since Thanksgiving's tantrum, so there'd been no need to discipline him. She wondered if he was going to be squirrely every time he came from his mother's house now.
Nathan's face turned hard. He was angry, but she couldn't tell who he was mad at, her or Colin. "I'll go talk to him."
He didn't bother knocking and walked right in. Two voices rumbled for a minute before the shouting began.
"Do you wanna go see if it's snowing yet?" she asked.
"Sure. But we're still gonna hear them yelling out there," T replied sadly.
Damn smart little boy. She tried not to smile but failed. "Saw right through that, huh?"
"Yep." He finished off the last of his cocoa and picked up the coat he'd left on the floor of the living room when he'd come in, sliding his arms into the sleeves one at a time.
The snow fell in big, fat, fluffy flakes. Lela and Trevayne stood just a few feet away from the porch, noses pointed up at the sky, letting the soft flakes land and melt on their skin.
"What do you think snow tastes like?" Lela asked the little boy.
Trevayne shook his head in confusion. "It doesn't taste like anything."
"No? I think it tastes like... cotton candy. No wait..." She stuck her tongue out and let a few more flakes collect on her tongue. "Mmm... bubble gum!"
"It doesn't taste like bubblegum!" he said dubiously.
"Oh, but it does to me. Try it. Stick your tongue out and see."
She watched him raise his face to the sky, close his eyes, and stick out his tongue, standing there for a good minute, gathering a small mound of snow. He closed his mouth around it, chewed a bit, and swallowed in concentration.
"Well, what flavor did you get?"
"Peanut butter and jelly!"
The door opened, casting a golden light into the darkness around them.
"What are you two doing out here?" Nathan's gruff voice asked.
"We're eating snow, Dad! I got a peanut butter and jelly one!" Trevayne giggled.
It was difficult to tell in the dark, but Lela thought she saw a white flash of teeth from Nathan. Good. Nathan could use some cheering up too.
"Get your coat, Nathan, and come have a snack with us."
"Okay, just a sec." His tone had changed from gruff to... something a bit more cheerful.
By the time he returned, the snow was coming down heavily. Colin followed behind him, reluctantly participating.
Four faces pointed upward, tongues out, collecting their "dinner" of snow.
"I think I got a ham sandwich that time," Lela said to Trevayne's delight.
He beamed. "I got pepperoni pizza!"
Nathan caught on quickly. "Oh yeah? I got... coconut cream pie!"
"No fair!" T stuck his tongue back out immediately, hoping to catch some tasty dessert too.
"What about you Colin? What did you get?" Lela asked tentatively.
"This is stupid. It doesn't taste like anything. I'm going in," he replied sourly, turned, and started to walk back up the porch steps.
Nathan entire body tensed, and he turned to chase after his son. "Just one minute, Colin, that was rude."
"Nathan, it's okay..."
He whipped around and fixed Lela with a hard stare. "No, it isn't! I'm not going to allow him to disrespect you." Nathan turned back toward the house where Colin stood indignantly on the porch. "Colin! Come over here and apologize! Now!" he bellowed.
Lela jumped at the steel in his voice. She'd never seen him so angry before.
Colin trudged back to where the rest of them were standing. "Sorry." He immediately turned back in a huff and marched into the house. But he didn't slam the door. She had to give him credit—he knew how to walk the line.
"I don't know what I'm going to do with him." Nathan's eyes lingered at the door.
"Just love him, sweet man. Guide him as much as you can, but love him. This is hard for him, you have to remember that. And he's like his daddy, you know."
He turned his eyes on her. "What does that mean?" he huffed.
She smiled at his grumpy face. "He's stubborn, doesn't like change or to talk about his feelings, and..."
A slight smile turned up the edges of his lips. "And?"
"And it takes him a long while to get his mind straight." Lela raised her right eyebrow at him, eliciting the laugh she knew he was trying to hold in.
"Come here," he rumbled, gathering her in a bear hug. He squeezed, making her screech.
"Me too!" Trevayne said, joining them in a group hug.
"Let's go in, I'm freezing! And starving!" she said, happiness beginning to warm her heart once more.
Dinner was Lela's "famous" taco soup. They all sat down at the table, an awkward silence growing between them.
A few spoonfuls in, Nathan spoke, breaking the tension. "This is really good, baby. Thanks for making dinner and for decorating. It looks really awesome in here."
Lela reached across the table, touching his hand. "You're welcome, sweet man. I'm glad you like everything."
A small harrumph surfaced from behind Colin's bowl. He was studying the soup with a furious gaze.
Lela could see Nathan forming some sort of correction for the passive aggressive slight, but she touched his hand again to stop him. He looked at her, and she shook her head mouthing, "It's okay."
He glared at her for a moment but let it go.
Suddenly Lela felt queasy. She put her spoon down and took a few slow breaths to calm her stomach. "Tell me about your holiday traditions, boys. What do you two normally do for Christmas?" She wanted them to feel comfortable talking about their past Christmases, and she wanted to see what she could do to incorporate their traditions into her own. After all, they were a blended family now; the boys shouldn't have to lose all of their family traditions just because they weren't all together anymore.
"Dad always makes us pancakes on Christmas morning!" Trevayne said.
Colin said nothing, just continued to eat his soup in grumpy silence.
"We open presents after breakfast. Will we have to wait here too?" T asked with wide doe-like eyes.
Nathan laughed. "Good try, T. Yes, same rules here. Presents after breakfast."
Lela was a little irritated with Nathan for making the decision without discussing it with her, but didn't comment. She would bring it up later when the boys were in bed.
"What about church?" Colin said suddenly, surprising both adults.
"We'll definitely go to church. I've always gone on Christmas Eve, when do you guys go?" Lela asked.
"It depends. If we go to my sister's, we go with them on Christmas Eve. But otherwise we go on Christmas Day, the later, the better." Nathan smiled sheepishly.
"Everyone's getting together at Aunt Molly's this year. Are we going?" Colin half asked, half accused.
"Um... not this year, Son. Your mom and I have to work out some stuff, maybe Easter?"
"This sucks! I wish we were with Mom! I hate Christmas!" Colin barked, standing up and knocking his chair back hard enough that it fell with a crash. He ran to his bedroom and slammed the door.
It stung to see Colin hurting so badly, to see all three of them hurting. Lela couldn't help but feel like this was all her fault.
"Colin! Colin! Get back here!" Nathan stood, meaning to follow his son.
Lela stopped him. "Nathan, it's okay..."
"Dammit, Lela, it's not okay! Quit excusing him for his bad behavior! And he's my son, not yours. Don't tell me what to do with MY son!" Just like Colin had a minute before, Nathan stormed out of the room, stomping all the way to the bedroom, and slammed the door behind him.
She was two for two. Lela sighed, staring into her own barely eaten bowl of soup. He was right, of course, she needed to butt out. She started to gather the dishes off of the table. The sound of sniffling reminded her she wasn't alone.
Trevayne was wiping away his silent tears with the sleeve of his shirt.
Crap. Now I'm three for three. "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry." She bent down and hugged him tight. His little arms squeezed around her neck while he sobbed into her shoulder. Now she really felt like dirt.
"T, I want to ask you a question. All right?"
He nodded, wiping the snot on his upper lip with his hand and then wiping it on the leg of his jeans.
"Do you trust me? Like, do you think when I tell you something, it's the truth?"
He nodded.
"Okay, good. I'm going to tell you something, and you know it's the truth, right?"
"Yeah." He wiped the lingering tears from both his eyes.
"T, it's not always going to be like this. Colin being surly, Dad yelling and arguing with him and with your mom. It's going to get better."
"When? When will it get better?" he asked with round sad eyes.
"I wish I could say exactly when, love. It'll take some time. But I know this... some day things will be better. Good, even."
"I don't like everyone mad at each other. I don't like everyone mad at you, Lela. I like you, and I want everyone else to like you too," he said, chin trembling.
Gah. This sweet boy. "I hope one day they like me too. But I'll just have to be patient. It can be hard to be patient, though..." She smiled softly and brushed away the last of the wetness on his cheeks.
"Yeah." He smiled back. "Like for Christmas presents. Dad always tells me to be patient."
Lela chuckled despite the weight of the guilt she felt. "Well, you've been so sweet tonight, how about I let you open a small gift from me to you?"
His eyes lit up for a moment and then went out as his face fell. "Dad said no presents until after breakfast."
"It's a very small present... tiny even. I haven't even put it under the tree yet. And I'll go ask Dad first, so you don't get in trouble, all right?"
He bobbed his head up and down, a small smile finally returning to his face.
"Okay, let me go get the present and talk to your dad for a minute. I'll be right back."
Opening the door to their bathroom, she found a fuming Nathan leaning against the counter, glaring at himself in the mirror. She took a deep breath and walked in.
"Nathan, I'm sorry if I overstepped. I've already raised teenage boys, and I..."
"So what?!" He turned to face her, anger simmering in his eyes. "You don't know my boys, not the way I do!"
Lela jerked back, startled by the intensity of his anger. "I think I know them pretty well, actually. You have to pick your battles, sweet man. Getting on Colin for every transgression is just going to build a wall between you. This is a difficult time for him..."
"Yeah, well, it's difficult for all of us, but it doesn't give him the right to be an asshole!" Nathan wasn't calming down, she persisted anyway.
"No, it doesn't. But he's going to need some time to figure out his new normal. And with whatever your family is saying to him along with his mom—"
"What do you mean 'what your family is saying'? You have no idea what they're saying!" he spat out.
"Actually, I do. Molly showed up here the day after Thanksgiving, and—"
"What the fuck are you talking about, Lela?" he growled, his hands in fists.
Nathan's temper was boiling over, but she remained calm. Oh boy, I really didn't want to open this can of worms. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to stir the pot more than it already had been. I assumed she talked to you. The day after Thanksgiving, when you and the boys left early, your sister came over. First to apologize, then to tell me she and the family..."
He'd been pacing the room like a caged tiger at the zoo. Her last sentence stopped him. "Wait. What?"
"She said the family wanted me to break up with you so you would go back to your wife."
"What the fuck?" he huffed, "What are they talking about? She doesn't want to get back together!"
"According to your sister, they talked to her and she agreed to try again. Apparently, I'm the only obstacle in the way."
"I can't fucking believe this!" He smacked his palms against the wall and leaned forward, staring at the ground.
Lela reached out to Nathan, stroking his back, hoping to calm him down. "I know. After all this time and everything that happened, wanting to reconcile again..."
"No," he said, spinning around to face her. "I mean why didn't you tell me? Why would you keep this from me?"
"Wait..." She held up her hands defensively. "You're angry with me because I didn't tell you right away? Seriously? That's what you're hung up on? Not that your family was trying to manipulate me into leaving you or that they went behind your back and talked to Mary? How am I the bad guy in this scenario?" Now she was furious.
He stood there, hands balled into fists, jaw clenched, just staring at her in heated silence.
Lela refused to participate in this angry standoff; she'd had enough. "I came in here to ask if it would be all right for me to give a small present to T for being so sweet and such a good boy tonight. But with the way you're acting, I'm not going to ask for your permission to give it to him a few days early, and don't give him any trouble because it's my decision and my present to give him." She walked into the closet, found the little wrapped package with his name on it, and left the bedroom, closing the door firmly.
She found Trevayne sitting on the couch, looking lost.
"Don't worry, T, our argument wasn't about the present, you can open it." She handed him the box wrapped in shiny blue paper with a tiny red bow on top.
He opened it slowly, with a little trepidation. Lifting the top, he revealed a smooth, sparkly black stone with a bit of a dip on one side. He let the stone tumble out of the box and into his hand.
"What is it?"
"It's a worry stone. My oldest son, Tristan, had one when he was about your age. Whenever he felt bad or worried about something, he would rub it with his thumb. He said it made him feel better. I got one for you and for Colin. I know this whole situation is hard, and I'm so very sorry. I'm trying to find little ways to help any way I can."
Lela was so intent on making her point to Trevayne, she didn't notice Colin standing in the doorway of the living room, listening to them. When she looked up, he turned around, wiping the tears off his face, and walked back into the bedroom.
Did he hear us arguing in the bedroom? Is that why he came out?
"It's nice." Trevayne said, using his thumb to rub the dent in the stone. "It feels good."
"Good. Now you should probably go brush your teeth and get in bed. You can read awhile if you aren't sleepy."
"Okay. Thanks, Lela." He hugged her then headed off to bed, still staring at the stone in his hand.
Lela finished cleaning up the kitchen and dining room. She took her time, dreading what was waiting for her back in the bedroom. Eventually she opened the door to find Nathan asleep on the bed, still in all his clothes. She sighed and shook her head, going into the bathroom to change and get ready for bed. She took a couple of sleeping pills and slid under the covers, lying apart from him for the first time. It felt wrong, and after an hour of tossing and turning, she gave up and rolled over to snuggle up against him, hoping they would make up in the morning. With his solid body and warmth now soothing her anxieties, she fell asleep almost instantly.
Lela woke up later than usual. Alone. She shuffled sleepily down the hallway, intending to get the coffee started, but stopped in her tracks when she found the door to the boys' room wide open. Stepping inside, she noticed a couple of the dresser drawers open. All the boys things were gone. Her heart dropped into her stomach, and the blood drained from her face.
Oh no. No. No, no, no! Lela ran back to her bedroom and threw open the dresser drawers. His clothes were still there. Her shoulders dropped with relief. Nathan hadn't left her. There had to be an explanation. Take a deep breath, girl. Quit expecting him to leave you again. That was the past. This is now.
Grabbing her phone, she dialed his cell. It rang and rang. He didn't pick up, and his voicemail box was full. Panic started to creep up again, and she felt like she was going to vomit. She barely made it to the toilet in time.
Once there was nothing left in her stomach, she sat back and leaned against the cold tile. Her cell rang. She crawled across the floor to pick it up where she'd dropped it. It was Nathan.
"Hey, baby, where'd ya get off to so early this morning?" she said weakly, still feeling queasy.
"Lela, I can't do this anymore."
Wait. What? She blinked in disbelief. No... Maybe he's talking about something else, something—
"I dropped the boys off at my sister's. I'm coming back later to pick up my things." His voice sounded strange. Flat. Emotionless. Not like the Nathan she knew and loved.
"What do you mean? I... I don't understand."
"I can't do this to the boys, Lela. This morning T couldn't stop crying, talking about how everyone in the family is always angry, and Colin... Fuck! I just can't do this to them anymore."
Lela couldn't believe what she was hearing. Her entire body started to shake, nausea rising again in her gut. "So you're leaving me? Without even trying to work this out?"
"I have to, for their sake. Colin—"
She ended the call. She couldn't bear to listen to his excuses. After all his declarations of love, all of his talk about wanting to create a future together, he was letting her go without a fight.
She stood and bent over the sink, splashing cold water on her face. Drying off, she stared at her reflection in the mirror. A hollowed-out ghost stared back. A sob suddenly ripped through her, followed by another, then another, until she was bawling uncontrollably. She collapsed to the floor, her entire body shaking with grief, and cried until she went numb.
There was an empty room at the inn, so she packed a bag and headed over, determined not to spend another minute in the home they'd started to build together. It was too painful. Her phone rang several times, but she never answered. She eventually turned her phone off so she didn't have to hear the beeps and pings anymore. It didn't matter what he said now. There was nothing left to say.
Nathan had given upon her. On them. On the beautiful future they'd so thoughtfully and lovinglyplanned together. So easily. Without even trying to work things out. Everythinghe'd said about choosing her, wanting to be with her, staying with her. Abouthow much he loved her, how amazing she was, how she was worthy of happiness andlove. It had all been a lie. Just as she'd feared from the beginning. She'dbeen right all along.