Verando guided me into the bedroom, I'd managed to kiss him the majority of the way up the stairs, doing everything in my power to remain as slow and methodical as I could stand.
Everything in me remained on a hair trigger, I move to push him towards the bed but he holds his ground. "Not yet." He breathes, testing my response to him, maneuvering me back against the wall as he gathers my hands and pins them over my head. "Show me you can be good. Let's see just how submissive you can be." His voice is a rumbling growl, making my heart pound erratically in my chest as I arch off the wall but remain under his control.
The scent of him, the feeling of his body against mine as he moves his hips to press into me as he kisses my neck. Balanced with his forearm against the wall, pinning me beneath up, I'm left panting as I gaze up at him and he watches me with the most lustful look he could spare since I'd been turned. "You're so beautiful." He repeats, dragging his thumb over my lower lip, testing me to see if I'd bite I'm sure.
Obediently I part my lips to welcome his fingers in my mouth, instead, he lifts his shirt, capturing the hem in his teeth. "Show me how badly you want it, tempt me." He manages through gritted teeth. I fight against my restrained hands as I kiss his chest, much as I want to bite him, I fight through the urge by torturing one of his nipples with my tongue. Rolling it carefully between my teeth, when I glance up I see him glowering at me, only for me to obediently suck and lick the offending nipple.
"Fucking hell." Verando manages, tightening his grip on my wrists. I slid my thigh between his legs, squirming, desperate for friction. I worship his chest for as long as he'd let me, I'd forgotten how much he enjoyed foreplay. My masochist was also a lover before anything else, my pleasure was his only desire. When I think I can't take it anymore he captures my jaw firmly in his hand, tilting my head up to claim my mouth, sliding his tongue along mine as I kiss him desperately.
Considering my options, I weigh how far begging would get me, yet he kisses me until I'm breathless and I wonder how I'd ever get enough of this sinful man. Pressing his lips beneath my ear, he burns a trail down to my collarbone with his mouth, licking and sucking his way to the base of my neck as a moan escapes my lips. Embarrassed, I tremble desperately under his touch, as his gaze meets my own. "I love it when you make your little sounds."
"Please," I beg, sliding my thigh between his legs once more, feeling the bulge of his erection straining his pants. "I've been so good."
"Mmm. You have been." Once more his lips melt against mine, and I whimper against him, squirming beyond my control. "I bet you're practically about to cum in your pants."
"It's been a long time, asshole." I spit, rolling my eyes back into my head as he kissed my throat once more. "Gods that mouth..."
"I was thinking the same thing." Verando teases, sliding down my body to settle on his knees before me. Taking my hand, he places it gently in his hair. "I like it when you pull my hair, just remember it's attached, yeah?" He suggests, unbuttoning my pants and allowing me to spring free as he runs his tongue over his upper lip, never breaking eye contact with me. "This part you won't hurt me, I like being used, I like being choked. Just remember I have to breathe at some point."
Shivering, I wonder how I could have ever captured such a glorious creature. Taking me in his fist, he carefully strokes up and down, before rolling his tongue over the tip of my cock. I shudder, making him chuckle as he kisses the tip, kissing down the side to the base. "You're going to last maybe two minutes."
"Fuck you." I snarl, impossibly hard, my rolling through his hair desperately as I grip his jaw in my free hand. "You're a cocky asshole, you know that?" I stick my thumb in his mouth and he sucks on the digit, capturing the pad between his teeth as I retract it. "Gods, Randy." I shove my manhood past my thumb, guiding him down onto my length with my hand as I groan at the feeling of his mouth on me.
One of his hands grips my hip, possibly in distrust, but he doesn't retract as I guide him rhythmically. It was the little inkling of control that I needed to not go completely insane, using his mouth for my pleasure, watching his cheek fill with color as the way he looked at me as if he wished to devour me. I pull his head back, smirking as he inhales with a chuckle, grinning at me so wickedly. "And I thought I was starved." I marvel as he exposes his tongue, his lips parted as I slide back into his mouth.
Verando moans around my manhood, swallowing as much of me as I dare to give him. His free hand grips my ass as he supports my hip with the other, I buck my hips against him, shoving him against me as I get impossibly close. His devilish tongue teases me, sucking and swallowing with each stroke. "I'm so close." I manage, trembling, clenching my teeth as I attempt to retract.
Taking me deep into his throat, the glorious man captures my eyes with that burning light gaze and I release myself into his mouth, shuddering as he encourages every last bit from me. Panting, I remove myself from his mouth as he attempts to catch his breath, knowing he was at his limit with our last attempt. Falling to my knees, I press my lips against his, pushing him backward onto the floor as he scrambles to catch himself.
Licking my release off his lower lip, I invade his mouth with my tongue with a low moan, straddling his hips as I cling to him. "Nic. Nic. Careful." Verando reminds me, flinching as I straighten and realize I was gripping his shoulders.
"Shit. I'm sorry, Randy." I mutter quickly, gathering his face in my hands to meet his lips again, slower this time. Yet his response is softer, more reserved, I can't help the panic rising in my chest as I attempt to coax the passion back out of him, sliding my hand between us to grope him through his pants.
Verando jerks, inhaling sharply but ducking away to break the kiss and give me a guarded look. "Darling...."
"Please don't stop. I want to make you feel good, too." I beg, grinding against him. "This isn't fair, Randy. This is still withholding. I'm sorry, I really am, I didn't mean to grab you so hard."
I feel the emotion welling up in my eyes, unable to handle the rejection as he kisses my nose and then my cheek. "Nic-"
I curse, sliding off of him to fall onto my hip on the floor, wiping roughly at my eyes. "What?" I demand harshly, beside myself with hurt and anger. What we'd just done was incredible, and now he wanted to stop. But for what?
"We've done plenty, you said you were alright if we didn't have sex in its entirety." Verando reminds me, carefully sitting up with a grimace. "Darling, that really did a number on my back."
"Head?" I demand in disbelief. "That is the absolute weakest excuse, Verando. Just admit that you don't want to fuck me, that will make it easier."
"You-" Verando stops, running a hand through his hair with a low grumble of something obscene. "You know what, I'm not going to explain to you how fucked up I am. It's embarrassing for me, too, Nic. We aren't even a month out, you got a brand-new body and I didn't so I'd appreciate it if you'd cut me a little bit of slack. Look at me, Nic! I'm fucking broken." Standing, he rips his shirt off, slinging it on the ground in a fit of rage out of character for him.
Verando never yelled, so to hear him raise his voice, to see him get angry enough with me to lash out, caught me off guard.
"We are all broken, Randy." I attempted to reason, I wasn't asking for acrobatics, I just wanted to feel connected to him again. I was convinced that if I could have that moment with him again, we could reconnect and everything would go back to the way that it was.
Shaking his head, he puts his hands on his hips, bordering on disgust. "Did it ever occur to you that I don't feel attractive? That I don't want to have sex? That it has nothing to do with you and it has everything to do with the fact that we've come out of another active war zone more torn apart than ever, everyone is looking to me for answers, and I didn't sign up to do all of this on my own all over again?"
Blinking, I settle back, staring at him as he watches me, exasperated.
"How many times do I have to tell you no? You of all people should understand how important that is to both of us. I understand sex is how you cope, how you get your worth, but I'm trying and now I need you to meet me halfway." Crossing his arms over his chest, he moves away and I leap to my feet to go to him. Before I can reach him, he puts his hand up to keep space between us. "I need space. Please just... don't touch me right now."
Shock crosses my face, over and over again I play it over in my head, trying to sort through the pieces. "This is how you feel? That I'm forcing myself on you?" I ask, keeping my voice low, searching his face. The hurt there was clear, the way he angled his body away from me, the posturing of someone who felt violated. I never thought that I'd be on this side of that equation.
"Yes." Verando's answer is blunt, hard in his tone. "You're guilting me after telling you that I want to stop. You spoke about it being unfair, well this is unfair to me. You don't get to decide what is a valid reason for me to want sex."
It was as if he only went down on me to satisfy me enough to get me to leave him alone, how was I supposed to reason with it any other way? My wolf whimpers, backing away into the recesses of my mind as if it had been struck. This was the first time he'd truly been mad at me for this, that he'd completely pulled back and acted as if I was the villain. I'd spent so much time worrying about my change, trying to figure out my path, that I'd forgotten he had his side of our shared trauma.
"None of this is how it was supposed to be, none of this is what I wanted," I tell him, attempting to reason my way through why I was acting this way. "I just thought that if we.. that it was what always used to bring us together. I'm not trying to hurt you, the last thing I want to do is hurt you." I fold my arms in front of my chest, feeling deflated as I move to sit on the bed. We still had so much to sort through, we were damaged beyond repair from the amount of times we'd gone to battle and never addressed the aftermath. It would appear it had finally caught up to us.
"I need time, Nic. We have two children, Tyr is expecting us to deliver Caspian to him and I'm unsure how my body is going to hold up to this. We need to focus on getting control of your wolf and our children living good, happy lives for as long as we can give it to them. Caspian is coming for me Nic, and I don't think I can beat him. That means we have Helen, Echo, and Kestrel on the front lines and it's a pretty damn poor sight some days."
His words cut me to the quick, I wrapped my arms a little bit tighter around myself, feeling the weight falling back onto me but I suppose that was the problem with our situation. We were overspent, there wasn't enough of us and now there was the overwhelming reality that we had put ourselves into a corner with a very low chance of success.
We were both fighting for our lives, he wanted our family to be happy and I wanted to go back to what I considered normal. We had very different outcomes planned in those scenarios, I suppose in his mind, my obsession with a family meant I understood that one of us would have to remain with them. Given his job and the amount of income he earned, it made sense that that person would be me. Yet, given my state, that was impossible. With the light at the end of the tunnel, hoping for relief, I'd thrown onto him that I wanted more from our relationship when we were both just struggling to breathe.
Refusing to cry, I nod solemnly at his declaration. I'd pushed him too far, cornered him, and now he was biting back.
"What do you need me to do to help you feel ok?" I ask, stiffening as I feel him distancing himself.
"I need time to get my body back. I need to get with Tiberius to figure out what I can do to put the pieces back together, and I need you to stop beating the hell out of me every time you want to fuck. This is news to me, too, Nic. I've not been in a relationship with a lycan, not like this. Marisol was different... I need time to get used to this, to get used to.. all.. of this."
Swallowing, I nod, taking in all he had to offer me, feeling the spiral beginning to sink in. One of us had to bend, to give the other time, and it looked like Verando had reached the end of what he was willing to bend for. I'd succeeded in snapping him in half, but unfortunately, I had very little left to prop us both up with. We were spent, and emotionally exhausted, and there was no end in sight.
I was used to pressure, I was used to having to compartmentalize. Of the two of us, I had more in my cup to work with and I could accept that, even if it meant putting whatever was wrong with me on hold until he could come up for air. "Alright. I'll take care of the children while you go to work. I'll stop touching you."
Uncertain, guilt appears to wash over him, like maybe he was rethinking his demands but I stand, approaching him to extend my hand in a truce offering. "We're grown men, we've fought in plenty of combat together, and this is just another battle tactic we need to work through."
Disappointed, I feel my wolf shutting the door on my subconscious, a creature uncertain why it was called here. I'd been correct when I said it felt like he was breaking up with me, for that was exactly how my wolf saw it even if it was far from the truth.
"Alpha is never going to forgive me." He exhales roughly, staring at my hand, "he wants this just as badly as you do.. it's just me, I can't get past my own-" Shaking his head, he sighs, tightening his jaw. "Maybe I'm just overreacting...."
I press my lips into a thin line, a selfish side of me might agree, but how often did he let me know what was going on under the surface? I needed to believe him, if it was for days or months, he needed space and I needed time to figure out how to be a father to these children. "No, I think you're just telling me in the only way that you can that you need help. I'm going to do my best to help you."
Whatever that meant. Whatever that looked like. What was this small span compared to eternity?
"You come to me when you're ready. Until then, let's just focus on the mission." I reassure him, closing the door on my wolf, my previous life, and my libido.