"How's he been doing?" Maddie asked, handing Chimney another plate to dry.
She didn't need to say who she was talking about, they both knew. Chimney had been waiting for the topic of Buck to come up since getting home. But truthfully, now they were cleaning up after dinner and Jee was finally asleep, it was the first time they had truly had time to talk all night. She only briefly met his eyes when she asked, as if she was trying to show she wasn't being an overbearing sister who wanted to know all about her little brother's last few days at the firehouse.
She wasn't fooling Chimney in the slightest, and he loved her for it.
"He's Buck," Chimney answered, stilling as he held onto the plate. "And it's weird."
"How so?" Maddie tilted her head, brow furrowing as she gave him her full attention now, dishes forgotten.
"I don't know. I just... I guess I expected this blank slate of a guy who barely knew his ABCs, but instead, it feels like it's Buck, but from like an alternate universe or something." Chimney shook his head as he thought back to the previous couple of shifts. He put the plate and cloth down and leaned against the counter, pursing his lips. "He knows things without anyone telling him, and he doesn't even realise how weird it is that he knows unless someone points it out."
Maddie watched him, her silence giving him permission to continue.
"Like at lunch, Cap was making his chilli – you know the one that hits just right?"
"I'm not sure I'm following."
"Well, turns out that he uses a secret ingredient. Cocoa powder. In chilli? Who knew?"
"Chim..."
"Right, right, sorry." Chimney brushed away the distracted thoughts. "Well, he goes to get it, except Buck is already there, holding it out to him in one hand as if they've done this a million times before. Didn't even flinch. Just carried on with what he was doing."
"This is good though, right?" Maddie couldn't keep the smile from her face, excitement lighting up her eyes. "Dr Trent said routine could help, and if he's remembering the little things, that means the rest is still there."
"And that's the problem..." Chimney let go of a huff, his gaze falling.
"What do you mean?"
A sad smile settled on his lips as he met her gaze. "He's not stupid. He knows we're not telling him everything. He gets this look on his face, like he knows something isn't right. The way he looks at Eddie... I don't know how much he's figured out, but he knows something is up."
Maddie sighed. "And Eddie still isn't budging?"
Chimney shook his head and Maddie shifted from one foot to the other, looking suddenly sheepish.
"Remember how I took those photos and showed them to Buck the other day?"
"Yeah...?"
"He remembered Chris. Or, he remembered his name at least."
Chimney closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. "No wonder he's suspicious. That explains why he keeps asking about 'Eddie's kid' but won't ask Eddie to his face." He straightened up, meeting and holding her gaze. "We should tell him – Eddie, I mean. It could be what he needs to pull his head out of his ass."
"I don't know," Maddie answered. "I don't want to give him false hope. What if Buck doesn't remember?"
"He might not remember the details, but he knows there's something there. I swear, it's like being back at square one with these two idiots. We can't just sit back and do nothing. Last time it took them years before they finally realised how they felt about each other, and I'm not sure I, or anyone else at the 118, can go through that again."
Maddie chewed at her lips a moment before her eyes lit up with mischief, her words sing song and flippant. "We could get Eddie drunk."
Chimney raised an eyebrow.
"What? You know I'm right. You've seen how he is with Buck when he's drunk. Can't keep his hands off of him. Remember that New Years when they finally got together?"
"Okay, yes... but I can't exactly get Eddie drunk on shift."
"I'm not saying on shift."
"But after shift... persuade the team to go out for drinks."
"And if Eddie gets enough in him, he might loosen up enough and let that guard of his down."
-.-.-.-
Buck lay awake, staring up at the darkened ceiling as if it held all of the answers he was looking for. But the truth was, he wasn't even sure what that was or what questions he should be asking. All he knew was that his mind kept returning to Eddie, no matter how much he tried to force his thoughts away.
Was it some sort of imprinting thing? Because Eddie was the first person he had seen from his life as Buck?
But that didn't explain the way his chest ached and his heart quickened when Eddie was around, or the way he found himself absently staring at Eddie, taking in every inch of him, having to continually remind himself to look away before anyone noticed. He wondered if this feeling, whatever it was, existed before he lost his memory, if that was why Eddie was distant with him.
"You left, Buck! You left us..."
The memory of Eddie's words echoed around Buck's mind.
"You remember all of that, but you can't remember us?"
Us.
But he was just talking about the 118, right? There wasn't anything more to it than that. The fact Buck's stomach did flips whenever Eddie accidentally met his gaze and held it for a second longer than necessary, or that whenever they accidentally brushed against one another, Buck felt himself go weak... it didn't mean anything. Right?
Closing his eyes in frustration, he turned over onto his stomach and buried his head into his pillow. If he could just remember, then maybe he would stand a chance at understanding everything.
-.-.-.-
"Just how long do you plan to keep on punishing yourself?" Hen asked as she handed Eddie a mug of coffee. "And Buck too for that matter."
She raised an eyebrow at him as she joined him on the couch in the loft of the firehouse. They had not long since gotten back from an early morning call and the others were busy elsewhere, giving her the perfect opportunity to corner Eddie. She had been trying for days, but he always seemed to evade her to the point she was starting to take it personally.
"I am not punishing him," Eddie tried to defend himself.
"Punishing, tormenting... I don't really see a difference at this point."
Eddie huffed out, both hands gripping at the mug as he stared down into the coffee. "It's not like that."
"Then what is it?" she questioned, stretching herself out, watching him and waiting on his answer. An answer that didn't come, so she sighed instead, her tone softening. "It's okay to be angry with him, Eddie. It's only natural. But you know it's not his fault, right?"
"No, but it is mine."
Hen frowned at that. "What?"
"I should have looked for him and I should have been there for him. But instead, I gave up on him. I left him for dead and abandoned him."
Carefully, Hen reached around and took the coffee from his grasp to place it on the nearby table instead before returning her hands to his, resting them there gently. "You didn't know."
"But I should have," he answered, in a low but harsh tone that caused his eyes to flicker up and search their surroundings in case anyone had heard.
"Is that why you keep trying to avoid him?"
Eddie cleared his throat, sitting up a little straighter. "Dr Trent-"
"Cut the bullcrap, Edmundo," Hen interrupted before he could finish his obvious lie, the same one he had been telling them all since Buck had first turned back up, and the same one she suspected he kept trying to tell himself. "How long do you plan to keep using that line about letting him make up his own mind before you admit that you're scared?"
If he had been about to answer, it was cut short by the sound of the others coming up the stairs and entering the loft. Chimney was the first to spot them and nudged Buck, bobbing his head toward them and leading the way to the couches. Bobby, however, was moving off toward the kitchen area.
"So, this is where you've been hiding while we've been working our butts off," Chimney said, his voice filled with cheer.
"Working your butts off? You've got no butt to work off, Han," Hen retorted, letting go of a playful snort.
"Only because I spend so much of my time working it off."
Hen rolled her eyes, smile playing on her lips that only wavered slightly as she caught the small sheepish look on Buck's face as he glanced to Eddie briefly. If it wasn't for the memory loss and the oblivious idiot sat beside her, it would have been adorable, the way he seemed to be crushing on Eddie without either of them realising it.
"You know," Chimney continued, "I was thinking."
"Uh oh..."
But he carried on as if he hadn't heard her. "We should head out for drinks after work."
Hen narrowed her eyes at him, something suspicious about the way he asked, but as she caught him glancing between Buck and Eddie, she began to realise what he was up to. "You know, that sounds like a great idea. What d'ya say, Buck?"
Buck cleared his throat, looking between them, before finally bobbing his head, albeit with some hesitancy. "Er, yeah... sounds great."
"What about you, Cap?" Hen called, leaning back so she could see Bobby.
Bobby looked to her, his answer very clearly about to be a no, but she thinned her lips and widened her eyes slightly, nodding her head to Eddie before brushing at her brow and pretending she just had some weird itch. But Bobby got the message. If he was to say no, it would give Eddie an out, but if he said yes, then that put more pressure on Eddie.
"Sure," Bobby answered with a sigh and a shrug of his shoulders. "I'll let Athena know I'll be a little late."
Which just left one...
"And Eddie, of course, is a yes," Chimney said, clapping his hands together as if it were a done deal.
"I, err, actually..." Eddie started, fumbling over his words. "Christopher... he's..."
"At a sleepover, right?" Hen interrupted before he could even try to use his son as an excuse to back out. "You told me about it last Monday, remember?"
He sighed and nodded before swallowing at the apparent lump in his throat and sinking further into the couch. "I guess I forgot..."
"Don't worry," she said, patting his knee before pushing to stand up, "I'll make sure you remember drinks tonight."
-.-.-.-
The bar wasn't too busy or loud, if anything Buck would say it was comfortable. Hen and Chimney led him through it and toward a table with stools, and guided him onto one stool before they claimed the two on the opposite side of the table. He thought nothing of it, until Eddie took the one to his left, his knee knocking against Buck's leg momentarily and suddenly Buck was feeling very warm and very aware of himself.
When Bobby returned with drinks, he was thankful for the distraction, and by the second round, he was relaxing enough to be laughing along with the others. Though, he couldn't help but notice that he wasn't the only one. The tension in Eddie's shoulders seemed to lessen more and more the longer they were there, and he even met Buck's eyes once or twice before ducking his head away and quickly taking a swig of his drink.
By the third round, Eddie was sniping back at Chimney's remarks, and Buck found himself forgetting he wasn't supposed to be staring at Eddie as much as he was.
"I'm telling you, you were cursed," Chimney said, after retelling the story of the day Eddie had spent covered in baby puke from not just one, or two, or three babies. But four, from four separate calls.
"There's no such thing as curses," Eddie argued, but there was a spark in his eye and his lips twitched at the corner, showing his amusement. He leaned forward, pointing across the table at Chimney, his leg brushing against Buck's under the table, but rather than moving it, he kept it there and Buck had to swallow the rest of his beer to distract himself from the touch. "It was just a bad day."
"Oh yeah, and nothing at all to do with walking under a ladder on Friday the 13th?"
Buck spluttered his drink at that, causing a cough that had Bobby patting him on the back lightly. "On Friday the 13th? You were practically asking for it!"
"Well, there wouldn't have been a ladder there in the first place," Eddie started, and when he looked to Buck, there was a smile there that Buck hadn't seen before, at least not since he had returned to the 118, "if you hadn't..." And then the smile faded slightly, and Eddie's gaze dropped, his hand reaching out to swiftly grab his drink.
"If I hadn't, what?" Buck asked, the words catching in his throat a little.
At first, he thought Eddie wasn't going to answer, but after another drink, he finally did, and though his voice was small, the smile had returned somewhat to his face. "Spent the morning helping me with decorations for my Abuela."
Silence followed what sounded almost like a confession, and it continued until Chimney decided to break the tension by slapping the table and grinning brightly at each of them in turn.
"Right, who's ready for the next round?" he asked, already making to stand up.
But Buck pushed off from his stool first, needing to do something with the nervous energy that had settled over him. "It's my turn. Same again, for everyone?"
When he returned with the drinks, he also brought shots, one each for them all. He divvied them out with a smile on his face, frowning at the polite smile from Bobby as Bobby pushed his away.
"Sorry, no, not for me," he said.
"Really?" Buck asked. "Just one drink? I mean, we're celebrating, right? Return of the prodigal son."
"Bobby doesn't drink," Hen supplied, her voice soft, and Buck's shoulders fell, his chest hollowing out.
He felt like he should have noticed. The guy hadn't touched a drop of alcohol all night, and at dinner, when Athena had wine, Bobby just had a glass of water. "I'm sorry... I didn't..."
But the words fell away. He didn't know, didn't remember.
"It's okay," Bobby said, patting Buck's arms. "Seriously, Buck. It's fine."
"Bobby..."
"I should be getting back anyway. I promised Athena I would be home early." Bobby pushed up, grabbing his coat from the back of his stool. "Do you think you'll be okay getting back by yourself, or..."
Buck nodded numbly, and though Bobby showed no signs of animosity, it didn't quell the guilt that Buck could feel gnawing at his insides. Bobby gave him a quick side hug and pat on the shoulder before pulling on his coat and taking his leave. As Buck took his seat once more, he was almost thankful that a nearby waitress came over to collect their empty glasses, breaking the tension that had fallen.
"Are you a firefighter?" she asked, and it took Buck a moment to realise she was talking to him.
He cleared his throat and forced a smile. "It's complicated."
"Shame," he answered.
"Why's that?"
"I do like a man in uniform." She looked him up and down, a coy smile playing across his lips, one Buck mimicked as he straightened himself up a little.
"Oh, yeah?"
"Mmmhmm," was all she said, before giving him another once over and disappearing back towards the bar.
But before he could even think to react or follow, the sound of the stool beside him scraping across the floor brought his attention back to the others, or rather, back to Eddie. Eddie who had suddenly pushed away and was looking sullen again as he headed off towards the bathroom without a single word.
Buck's brow furrowed, lip curling up. "What's up with him?"
Chimney and Hen shared a look, neither of them answering at first, and Buck tilted his head, looking between the two of them.
"What?"
"Just... maybe cool it on the flirting?" Chimney said, low and cautious.
"Why? It's not like..." But before the thought could even fully form in his head, he was up off his stool and moving towards bathroom after Eddie.
He didn't even wait until the door had closed behind him before rounding on Eddie, his heart thrumming heavily in his chest, head feeling light from a mixture of alcohol and realisation.
"What are we?" he demanded, eyes locked on Eddie's back as the man gripped the sink in front of him, leaning over it.
"You should leave it, Buck," Eddie pushed out.
But Buck was not leaving it. After months, he had finally found his home and he was finally starting to feel like he actually belonged somewhere, like he was actually wanted. Yet, there was still so much missing, so much he couldn't remember, making him feel like an outsider, making him feel lost.
The flutters in his chest, the way he felt drawn to Eddie, despite the scowl and way he pushed Buck away, it all made sense. Or at least, part of it did. The part that didn't was that, if they were something... why wouldn't anyone tell him? What had he done that was so bad that they would leave out this important detail of his life?
"Wow..." Buck breathed out after another moment. "Well, that must have been such a relief for you."
Eddie's brow furrowed and he looked up into the mirror at Buck's reflection before turning to face him. "What?"
"My memory wipe, it's the perfect get out jail free card, right?" Buck looked down, taking a step back. "That way, you didn't actually have to break up with me. The memory wipe did that for you."
"That's not-"
But Buck shook his head before Eddie could finish. "I must have been a nasty son of a bitch to deserve this. I mean, why else would you..." He swallowed hard, jaw tightening. "Was I really that worthless?"
Before he knew it, Eddie was pushing forward, entering Buck's space, anger burning in his eyes. "No. You don't get to say that. You don't get to say those things."
"It's what you're thinking though, right?"
Blue eyes locked with brown, staring down at them intently, waiting for an answer, fearing what it would be. Except it didn't come, and he wasn't sure which one of them moved first, but suddenly Eddie's mouth was against his and they were kissing, deep and longing. Buck's hands were up in Eddie's hair, lost to the heat as his back hit the wall and Eddie pressed in on him. Everything about it felt right. The feel of Eddie, the taste, the way they fit against each other.
Nothing else mattered to him in that moment, until suddenly it was gone, and Eddie was pulling away, leaving Buck pressed up against the wall, frozen and hollow.
"I... I can't," Eddie said, and Buck was wondering which one of the pair he was trying to convince. He looked sheepish, eyes darting back and forth but refusing to look at Buck. Then he was gone, rushing from the bathroom before Buck even had time to say his name.