In the past week, this was the first time Urmila felt a weight had lifted off her shoulders. She was retiring to her chambers after a hectic day of work. Last week had been a train of emotions for her—emotions she couldn't openly express, a lack of confidence in herself that she couldn't let anyone know about. Everyone expected a lot from the royal family, not specifically from her.
She wondered what had happened to her. She was unsure about the decisions she was making in the household, and administrative matters were becoming increasingly difficult to understand. She had accepted that maybe she wasn't as worthy for these responsibilities as people believed. She feared failure and any trouble she might cause to others.
She questioned why she didn't fit in with her family. Her sisters were graceful, her brothers-in-law decisive, and her husband, Lakshman, was focused and dedicated. She knew he would do great things, but she was uncertain about how he cared for himself. Lakshman embodied a self-discipline seen by no one else.
Urmila, in some ways, was similar. At the beginning of the week, a matter was stuck in the people's court regarding the employment of widows and women abandoned by their families. She had been working rigorously on a policy, facing arguments and discussions. It was taking away her sleep and appetite. Guru Vashisht was strict, and he had asked her to be perfect with it. Internally, it questioned her entire being, making her believe she was taking on roles she wasn't meant for. But she didn't realize she was letting others question her.
It was until Mata Arundhati showed her a way, a way to herself that brought her back on track.
"Purti, if you keep taking everything they say personally, you'll never make a fair decision," Mata Arundhati advised.
Urmila listened quietly. "I don't need to tell you what needs to be done," Arundhati continued. "You, as a woman, have infinite divine feminine energy. It's a wise woman's vice to understand how to preserve one's energy and not absorb another's. If you don't believe in yourself, no one will."
"Believe me, Urmila, you are more than what you know. Your journey has just started."Urmila smiled a bit, caught in the shackles of self-doubt. Arundhati's words were successful in calming her down.
"You are young, and you've done more than expected. Life threw you the biggest challenge without options, and you had the courage to accept it. Living like this, it's an act of courage in itself. You let go of your sister, without whom you could have never imagined living apart. I don't know why the world doesn't see it, but there's strength in these decisions you made."
Arundhati's words brought tears to Urmila's eyes. It was embarrassing but also a reminder of the strength she possessed. She must have done something good in her past life to receive support and love from those around her.
"So you have to be there for women who have lost everything, without support. Be a hope for them, a welcome that listens and understands."Urmila's confidence returned.
"You're right, Mata. It isn't about me and my capabilities. It's about making things just for the masses."
She bowed down to Arundhati and touched her feet in gratitude.
Arundhati blessed her, "My dear Urmila, you are more than just a princess, a daughter, a sister, and even a wife. While it's said that a wife's duty supersedes all, it's up to women to maintain a fine balance in all relationships."
"The most important relationship a woman should have is with herself, accepting her own femininity, thoughts, beauty, capacity to love, even her capacity to endure pain."
"Knowing oneself gives strength," Urmila recalled Mata Gargi's wise words.
With Arundhati's guidance, she reached a common conclusion on the law and finalized the policy. This was her retiring to her chambers from Nandigram after regaining a new life purpose and hope.
Upon reaching her chambers, Mandvi greeted her with the fondest smile, welcoming her warmly.
"Congratulations on making it well and finally succeeding. Shatrughan gave me updates," Mandvi exclaimed.
Urmila lay in Mandvi's embrace for a bit longer. It brought tears to her eyes; Mandvi's embrace reminded her of Mithila, Sita, and Sunaina, as well as the young Urmila who always wanted to be courageous.
Cupping Urmila's cheeks, Mandvi continued, "Now, please take proper rest and food. We have a long way to go. All of us need to be healthy."
Urmila thought Mandvi had really grown up, being the eldest now after Sita. She had taken her bond with Mandvi a bit for granted, but Mandvi was the sister who had always been with her through everything. It didn't mean Sita loved her any less than Urmila's dedication for Sita. Sita was meant for something greater, something more, while Mandvi was always there. Mandvi was the sister Urmila could compete with, the one who would come looking for her, leaving everything behind—a sister she never expressed her love for that much.
The two of them had now decided to stay together, alternating between Urmila's room and Mandvi's. Their presence was enough to let the warmth of love float in the rooms and not let it go cold and lonely in their husbands' absence. Together, they pursued their hobbies—painting, singing, writing, and more. They planned for events and rituals, talked their hearts out. The nighttime was what they looked forward to now.
"A good bath is ready for you," Mandvi announced.
Urmila felt happy hearing it, but her smile dropped instantly. In warm, cozy surroundings, it felt wrong to consume any luxuries when the people she loved were devoid of such things.
"Don't worry, there's nothing special. Simple cold water with rose petals, especially picked by yours truly. I know there is no romance in our life for the next 14 years, but this is the least I can do for you," she added with a teasing smile.
Urmila looked at her in surprise, "You are unbelievable," and went for the bath.
By the time she came back, Mandvi had already started painting something.
"Hey! You didn't wait for me!"
"I was bored."
"Do you ignore Bharat Bhaiya the same way you ignore me?" Urmila inquired in a teasing tone.
"I don't. But you definitely annoy Lakshman with your silly habits and not taking care of yourself, like you do to me," Mandvi raised her eyebrows, reminding Urmila of her carelessness regarding her health in the past few days.
It was true. She didn't know why, but she was perfectly incapable of taking care of herself.
**Flashback**
Urmila was dead tired from the training arranged by Kaikeyi for her in administration and security. As a new bride, she had this urge to be the perfect candidate for anything and everything applicable in Ayodhya. It was taking a toll on her, as she skipped meals and slept less to complete tasks successfully and timely.
Lakshman was getting infuriated because it had been three days since they had talked properly, and she had not eaten or slept properly.
Urmila was entering her room quite late in night, pending tasks still in her mind.
She bumped into Lakshman who was heading out, like on an important mission.
"Ouch," she held her shoulder that got stuck. "Oh, it's you only, Mila."
"Haan. Where were you going, Saumitra?"
"To see you only; it was pretty late than your usual timings. What's up with you?"
He held her hand and brought her inside the room, beside the bed.
"Actually, I still had to read the scripts..."
Lakshman sighed. Urmila thought it made him angry. "Look, Mila, I completely understand how important it is for you to complete this training. And I'm fully supporting you. But not like this, please."
He said with pleading eyes. Urmila, thinking about what he said, replied, "I know, Saumitra. But unless and until a task assigned to me is completed, my mind is restless. I just feel I'm unworthy of these responsibilities, and I have to prove myself. I just don't want to make any mistakes."
She kept on ranting until he pulled her into an embrace.
"Shh! You won't make a mistake. And you are not unworthy. And you definitely don't need to prove anything."
Urmila closed her eyes and hugged him tighter.
"And even if you make a mistake. My arms are always open for you, run in here and hide yourself. I will save you from anyone and everything," he chuckled.
Urmila stood hugging him but pulled up her face to him and asked, "Even from myself?"
Lakshman made a face that clearly displayed how surprised he was at her crazy antics.
He replied in a teasing tone, "Especially from yourself."
Urmila had a lot on her mind that day, but she could not think of anything else when she was in his company.
He handled her perfectly
**Flashback ends**
Lying on the floor mat, Urmila thought about this time, which was her past. She glanced at Mandvi by her side, who had already slept.
Even if it was a memory that warmed her heart and she didn't want to think anything negative about it, she wondered.
"Maybe, I am a lot to handle. That's why he didn't take me along. I couldn't be as strong as Sita Didi, that's why they didn't take me along. Maybe, I'm not fit for him."
A lone tear escaped her eye. She closed her eyes to sleep. Sometimes, against all reasons, all practical arguments, an irrational thought or fear still lingers in your heart.
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A/N: See my Ramayan is pretty human okay. I believe every person has his or her own journey and all emotions/feelings relevant to humans are applicable to them, even overthinking, jealousy, grief etc. Though people from treta yug are definitely more balanced than us. So I would want to present Urmila and Lakshman's journey as humane as possible.
Let me know your thoughts about the story so far.