___
What you are reading now, Father, is my diary that I hid from you for two years
And I put all my feelings towards you and Jungkook, whom I loved, and all my thoughts that I always didn't love.
What you are reading now, Father, is my heart open to you
What I don't know is whether you were playing with his feelings or intentionally tearing him apart...
I hope you understand what is written in the memo, as you have never understood me.
But, father... before you read the first pages
I hope you know.
I love you.. even after you killed my soul is in your hands, alive...
- Who is Jimin?
It was a very beautiful day after I completed my fifteenth birthday, and I was happily embraced by my father.
I felt sad that my mother was not with me today, like every year. My father never told me about her and used to say that he would only tell me when I grew up.
I used to feel sad when I saw everyone having a mother to embrace them
And I was really wondering...
If I had a mother would she love me?
I still do not feel that my father loves me.
“Happy birthday, dear papa!”
I hugged my father tightly
He doesn't hug me much...
Only the housemaids and my father's friends stand around my birthday table
I don't have any friends...
Because my father told me that friends are snakes
And they all hate me because I am the son of a big, successful person
But my father was very contradictory
He was telling me why I am alone and do not have anyone in my life with me?
This is so contradictory...
My father was hugging me and telling me to talk...
But I found it difficult to talk and how to express my feelings
“Jimin, thank Mr. Jung for his gift.”
I tried to say or speak something, but I couldn't
I just.. I couldn't.
Dad Ho came forward to shake Mr. Jung's hand
“I'm sorry, Jiminy is so shy
“Never mind, Mr. Yoongi. I wish him happy years.”
My father, Min Yoongi, is the largest businessman in Korea and is always on the front page of newspapers, and his name is on the lips of every broadcaster and anyone in town.
I am very proud of him...and I love that he is a successful person
But my father was never proud of me and I was not successful in his eyes. He used to make me succeed the way I wanted...
“Dad, where is your gift?”
I looked at him wondering
Everyone gave me a gift and he hasn't done it yet. His eyes were distracted and a small smile appeared on his face
“I made the whole party for you!”
My smile broke a little but I hugged him.
“Thank you, father.”
I always feel like I have a fake face, that I'm not okay, and I need to talk about everything with my heart, everything
Bad and good, strange and unpleasant. I hate everyone and the beliefs I hide from them
The thoughts in my world and my very strange questions about life and God, and I always felt afraid to talk to my father..
He's always doing his job...
Or he sits and blames me for many things in my life
Although I didn't know if I even did this or not.
I was sitting in my room alone
After the party was over and everyone was left in the middle of it
I browse anything on my phone, I satisfy myself
via
Listening to some music and talking to strange people I don't know.
When my father entered the room, I put the phone out of my hand
"Please knock on the door before you enter. I have privacy."
I spoke quietly as he came over to sit on the bed in front of me
A young boy of fifteen, will he raise me? "
I didn't answer him and closed my eyes tiredly
" What do you want ? "
"Behave, Jimin. Is this the 'thank you' you say to your father after he prepared a big party for your birthday?"
He always mentions the material things he does for me
Although I don't understand...it's normal for him to do this...
He is my father.. This is his duty. This is imposed on him...
“Dad, I didn’t force you to throw a big party for me.”
He looked at me angrily, I felt afraid.
I hate my father being angry with me.
“Why did you leave everyone and go into your room?”
I felt afraid and nervous, and my shortness of breath increased, and I hate parties.”
He smiled sarcastically and straightened his hair
My father has a beautiful nature, but not a beautiful soul.
"There's none of this nonsense in you.
You only convince yourself of reading many psychology books.
When he gave his speech, he was about to leave, but he stood up and returned when she continued.
“Read it, maybe you will understand what you are doing to me.”
He approached me and hit my head hard. It was painful... but I held on. I tried to stop his hands and push him away. “Don’t try to keep my hands away from you.”
Otherwise, I will give you a palm that will never be removed from your face.”
But your speech is still in my heart and its effects are still lingering and will not go away
"Those damned thoughts in your mind, remove them completely!!
I'm doing what no father in the world does. Did you hear?
Compare yourself to any damn boy your age who doesn't wear what you wear, doesn't eat what you eat, and doesn't live the same way
Your position is not taught by the same person you are learning.
But you are much higher than him and all of this is thanks to me. Do you understand me or do I understand you writing psychology? "
But I did not want the place. I wanted warmth and embrace.
And understanding, love and being well
I just wanted to be contained..... I did not respond to him and remained silent, preventing my eyes from crying
“You make me regret doing anything to you.
What a shame that my only son, who is of my blood, is such a stranger.”
But you make me hate you
I couldn't accept myself doing this...
____
End of chapter.