The grass tickles my neck when the cool night breeze slides over the ground, smooth and silent like a snake on hunting. The bright moon lights everything up around me, the stars above me whiten the black sky, pulling out my thoughts, letting me have a moment without worries.
In the silence something far away steps fast on the grass, the sound gets louder and closer, I jump up, and rush a meter away from the sound before I see it's just Alexander. "Jesus Christ, you scared me." I put my hand on my heart.
"Sorry but you scared me too, you scared the whole house, actually. You can't just leave the house without saying anything, you worried us sick," he says.
"Umm sorry," I apologize and lay back down on the grass. "I just needed to clear my mind."
He sighs, he does something on his phone and lies down on the grass beside me.
"Are you okay? And don't lie to me," he tells me sternly.
I let out a deep breath. "I don't know, I have been better, but it could definitely also be worse."
He doesn't answer, we lay in silence until we hear voices come from the house. Dad, Lorenz, Robin, Salvatore, and the twins come running to us, I sit up and wait for them to come closer, not bothering to stand up, neither does Alexander.
"What the hell Alessia!" Diego shouts, while Robin jumps into my arms and hugs me, I hug him back and ignore the other's comments.
"Alessia?" Dad's voice sound, so calm and safe. I hum not breaking the hug. "Let's go inside again."
"I will be outside for a bit longer; you can go in."
"I will stay too," Robin says over my shoulder, I hear a few others mumble 'me too'.
Dad let out a deep breath. "If you all are going to stay anyway, why not make it a little more comfortable?" He looks down at us.
Lorenz grin. "We need a campfire."
"And marshmallows" Robin breaks the hug and looks just as excited as Lorenz.
"And blankets and flashlights," Lorenz finish.
"Alright, Alexander, Alessia, go get the blankets. Lorenz, Robin, go get the snacks. Salvatore you will find flashlights and sticks for the marshmallows, the twins and I will set up the fire," dad orders and everybody jumps into action.
Alexander and I rush into the living room and pick up as many blankets and pillows as we can. I carry three big blankets and one pillow while Alexander carries five big blankets and three pillows. After placing everything near Matteo and Diego who's setting up the campfire, we rush back inside and take more pillows, on the way back Robin and Lorenz come out of the kitchen for the third time to drop off snacks. Together we walk back to the now finished campfire. Salvatore and Diego are placing out the blankets while Matteo is adjusting the campfire.
Lorenz and Robin drop the snacks on the already huge pile, and Alexander and I drop the pillows, and help the others place them. "Alessia, look at this!" Robin shout from the pile of snacks, I walk over to him "look at this" he says grinning, I look what he have in his hands, three different size of marshmallows, mini, normal, and fucking giant. I grin too, I know how much Robin loves marshmallows.
"I think we need toast instead for biscuits for those giants" I point at the giant marshmallows, Robin and Lorenz laugh, it feels good to make them laugh, especially Lorenz, I haven't talked with him a lot, but Robin loves him, and it feels like that he might accept me too.
A hand lands on my shoulder, I jump away in surprise, I look up at dad's unreadable expression "sorry sweetheart, didn't mean to scare you" he apologies "it's looking good" he looks at the snacks, campfire and blankets spread around.
"Weren't you supposed to help with the campfire?" Robin tilts his head and looks up at dad.
"I got a call, I needed to take."
"Everything okay?" Alexander asks from one of the blankets.
"Yes, but..." he looks down at Robin and I with an unsure look "your grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins are coming next week to meet you."
"Really!" Lorenz shouts and I flinch but I don't think anybody notices.
"Yes," dad says short.
"Awesome."
"Nice."
"Cool." Sounds from brother to brother.
"Umm I think yours have had enough, Alex," he turns his gaze away from dad and looks at his burnt marshmallow.
"I think you're right," he takes off the black marshmallow and throws it away.
I giggle and hand him my golden-brown marshmallow between two biscuits. "Here."
"Thank you," he takes a bite of it and looks at me, "that is so delicious." I giggle.
"Alessia is seriously the best at everything connected with camping" Robin burst out.
"You like camping?" Dad asks me.
"Well, every summer Robin went to a Baseball-camp, while my friends and I went out camping," I explain, it was good times, I really miss my friends, somehow, I miss the memories, but I shouldn't, they betrayed me, they turned their back at me.
"Alessia!" I make a little jump by being pulled out of my thoughts. "Are you okay?" dad asks me.
"Yes."
"You sure?"
"Yes- can you pass me a marshmallow?" I ask him, he looks unsure at me but hands me a marshmallow, and I stick on my stick before holding it over the fire.
The others start small talking again while I sit in my own thoughts, everything about my ex-friends, how they believed stupid rumors over their own friend, if they even considered me as one. The tears start pressing but I blink them away and turn my look to the stars. The moon is hiding behind a cloud, the cloud slowly follows the breeze making the moon clearer and clearer until it's totally free and the werewolves will howl out their pain to the only light they can find in the darkness, the moon.
A loud gasp pull me out of my thoughts, and I snap my head to Robin but before he get to say anything, I realize my hand is resting on the ground, and my marshmallow resting down on the wood drowning in flames, out of instinct I pull my stick to me, making some still hot ash fly into my eye.
"You, okay?" Alex asks me, he places a comforting hand on my back and bends till we are at the same eye level, I blink a few times, a tear forms in my eye that I wipe away.
"Yeah."
"You sure?" I take a deep breath, why the hell do they need to ask so many times?
"Why did you gasp so dramatically?" Matteo asks Robin before I get to answer. Alexander hasn't removed his hand, I don't want him to, it's comfortable.
"Oh yeah," Robin says like he already forgot "Alessia! You need to do your shadow-story."
"No- "
"Yes," he cut me off and stands up. "Lorenz help me with the chairs." And they run off to the terrace. I let out a deep sigh. This is going to be awkward.
"Let me down you stupid dragon," I say in a high pitched tone as the dragon kidnapped the princess or marshmallow that I use as the princess.
"This is stupid," Matteo mumbles and my heart sinks down my stomach, lying as a rock of sadness. I feel silly, it's kind of embarrassing. Everyone turns to Matteo and shushes him; the sadness disappears and is replaced with happiness.
I know this is childish, but I will do everything for Robin, and the smile on his face is enough for me to do everything he wants, so I continue my little story.
"We are having a DAncIng cOntEst! Whoever wins, get the princess! The knight shouts.
'HA! I'm for sure a better dancer than you, fine let's do it' the dragon cracks his neck and wings preparing for the dancing contest, but the knight had something else in mind.
'Not against me, him'." I gasp as the dragon, and fold my hands so the shadow, on the blanket that Robin and Lorenz placed on the chairs, turns into a dancing man.
"Let The Fight. BEGIN." And I made the dancing man start dancing the Gangnam style dance, making a few let out a chuckle. "Fine you win" and the dragon throws the princess and gets caught by the knight. And I make the shadows bow and the others start clapping at me before I make a bow and Lorenz whistle, I can't hold back a laugh, as I sit back down next to Alexander. After a while of laughing and talking, (I spoke mostly with Salvatore and Alexander.)
"7!" Robin burst out and make everyone turn their attention to him and dad.
"Yes, 7 cousins."
"So, your kids practically count as 50% of all your parent's grandkids," Robin says.
"I guess you can see it like that," dad chuckles, the moment the words left Robin's mouth, I got highly alerted but relaxed again when I realized dad didn't take any offense in it.
"How many of them are boys- no- how many of them are girls?" I ask, maybe I would finally have someone to talk about girl stuff. Dad and Alexander exchange looks before dad answers.
"Zero."
"Zero?" I frown, out of 14 kids and I'm the only girl, wow, God must really hate me. "You're kidding right?"
"No, sorry sweetheart."
"I'm the only girl."
"Yes."
"How can it be that I'm the only girl out of so many kids?" Before dad gets to say anything, Matteo interrupts.
"Yeah it's interesting, right?" Matteo says with a mocking tone, eyes is fixed on me "you're a girl, can't stand up for yourself like a true Riccardo, and your mother is Gabriella"
"Gabriella is your mother too" Salvatore says in a warning tone to make him shut up, but Matteo didn't have any plan on getting scared away just like that.
"Yeah, but dad is, well, my dad, it makes it more even from the bad traits from Gabriella"
"He's also Alessia's dad."
"Is he?... or have Gabriella just fucked around?... it will make more sense that way... my point is that you don't belong here."
"Matteo," dad says in such a cold and warning tone that it makes my whole body tense, but Matteo seems unbothered.
Matteo turns his gaze to dad. "Come on, don't tell me you actually think she's a true Riccardo... if she was, she wouldn't let anyone piss on her, but she does. The man who slapped her, Austin, I bet he has hurt her before, but she didn't say anything to him, those would have been obvious chances to stand up for herself... or now," his gaze turns back to me "but you keep quiet, like always... maybe that's for the best."
Dad stands up before I even get to blink. "Stand up" his words are so cold and stern that I begin to fear for Matteo's life. He stands up and dad grips his arm and takes him inside, no one says anything, the silence is only broken by the campfire.
I lay down and look up at the stars, but there aren't any stars, only clouds. The moon is gone too, the only thing to get me away from my painful thoughts, in this painful world is gone, everything gets too much, and the tears begin to press on, I stand up fast. "Goodnight," I say shortly before I storm off to my room.
The moment the door closes I slide down the door and cry into my hands. Every time I take a breath in, the same smell hits my nose, the smoke from the campfire that my clothes have sucked in, as well as the good memories from tonight. The difference is just that the smoke stays as the good memories slowly fade away. After I don't have any tears left to cry, I stand up and go to take out my new dark blue pajamas with small white stars on it, and some underwear and go to the bathroom and lock the door, I strip out of my clothes and look in the mirror.
My discoloring thighs, my bruised stomach, the small scars from him, the visible and invisible scars by him. The tears come back but I drown them, but they come back again, and I drown them and so on through the whole shower, and until I lie in my bed.
Someone knocks at my door, but I don't answer. I roll onto my side away from the door and the visitor, heavy footsteps appear near my bed, but I pretend to be asleep. The bed dips behind me and the blanket gets pulled over my shoulders, a caressing hand plants on my shoulders before dad's voice sounds in the quiet room.
"If you just would let me help you." A kiss plants on my cheek but I don't react, I want to cry, I want to jump into his arms and hug him, I want so many things. Dad leaves the room and I start crying again, until exhaustion takes over me and I fall asleep.
I wake up at 5 am, I try to fall back into a peaceful sleep and escape the painful world, but a hiss from outside my room make my thoughts snap to Robin, it sounded like him, I stand up and stick my head out only to see Matteo half limping his way to his room, blood is streaming down his face.
I rush over to him, not thinking twice. "Gosh you're bleeding." He looks at me like I'm an alien but doesn't say anything right away. "Let me help you."
"I'm fine" he says and brushes my hand off him and opens his door.
"What happened?" I ask him, he stops in the door trying to find his balance, he doesn't answer.
"Did-did Antonio hurt you?" I ask. For me, you help siblings with things like stupid parents or bullies, no matter what, no matter how stupid your sibling is, you always help. I have experienced abuse, so I know how it is, and I would never let any of my siblings down and make them feel like they're alone in this world, cause it's a terrible feeling.
"Are you seriously asking that?... I can't believe you... the only thing you have done since you came here is hurting dad's feelings, he tries so hard to make you feel good and safe, but all you can do is hurt him. You won't even call him dad, you keep thinking that he will hurt you, you won't tell him anything, you don't make anything easy for him. You hurt. His. Feelings. All The Time." He is so close now, I can smell his breath, alcohol. I take a step back, away from him, but stumble, and land on my butt, he turns around without looking at me and smacks the door in. An unbearable pain rushes through my ankle, and I pull it towards me, and the door gets smacked in again.
I hold around my ankle, tears streaming down my face as I try to hold back my cries, to not get seen, I take in deep breaths to drown down my sobs, but I fail miserably, as loud sobs escape my mouth.
"Alessia." I turn my gaze towards the sound. Salvatore rushes over to me with a worried look on his face.
"Sorry," I whimper.
"Don't apologize, what happened?" I shake my head, I don't want to tell him, I don't want to get in trouble, and if what Matteo is saying is true, hurting dad's feelings again. He sighs but doesn't press on, instead he slight his hand under my legs and behind my back and carry me bridal style.
He carries me to dad's office; he asks me to knock on the door since his hands are full, I let out a laugh between my sobs as I do.
The door opens and Alexander's mad face turns into concern, he moves out of the door making space for Salvatore to walk in, he places me on the couch in the corner. Dad sits behind his desk but is quickly on his feet when he sees me.
"Sweetheart, are you okay?"
I shake my head "my ankle" I whimper.
"Can I take a look?" Alexander asks me, I nod. He gently pulls off my sock, "you have got some scratches, and it's a little swollen, can you move it?" I try to move it a little and I can, but it hurts. "It isn't broken."
"What happened?" Dad asks me, Salvatore has taken a seat on the little couch opposite of me, while Alexander sits at my feet and dad right next to me on the edge of the couch, all of them look straight at me.
"It's not important now" I won't try to get my siblings in trouble, I will especially not do it when I don't know what the punishment for him will be.
"You were outside Matteo's room," Salvatore says, "he was shouting." I don't think Matteo knew he hurt me, I stumbled by myself, and my ankle was in the way, maybe he didn't think much about it when the door didn't close the first time.
"He's bleeding," I say after a moment of silence, "he's hurt."
Dad sighs, "go check on him," he orders Salvatore and he walks out of the office.
"Alessia," he says sternly, I look up at him, my heart skipping a beat, have I made him mad. He must sense my sudden nervousness because he takes my hand, "sweetheart, you need to tell me what happened." I shake my head again. "Why not?" I don't answer, after a long time of silence they look at each other like they have a conversation with their eyes.
"If you aren't going to say anything we will just watch the CCTV," Alexander says.
Did-did Antonio hurt you?
the only thing you have done since you came here is hurting dad's feelings
you keep thinking that he will hurt you
I shake my head again, I can't let him see it, if what Matteo said is true, I can't let dad hear me asking him that. Another thought hit me, I can't believe that I can't even help my own brother out with such a simple thing as this, I pull my knees up to my chest and hug them as my eyes begin to water.
"Why are you crying sweetheart?" Dad places his hand on my knee and rubs it with his thumb.
"He didn't do it on purpose," I cry out.
"Matteo?" I nod. "What happened?"
"He didn't know," I whimper, I take in a shaky breath and drown my sobs with the air in my lungs.
"Not Now!" Dad shouts when a knock on the door sounds, I flinch but they ignore it.
"Mr. Salvatore told me to bring up an ice bag," a woman sounds from the other side of the door, Alexander stands up and opens the door, he takes the ice bag and slams the door shut again. The moment he gets to me, he becomes more relaxed, more gentle, he becomes a whole different person when people are around, who aren't family. He places the ice bag on my ankle.
I try to stop my crying, searching for something to put my mind on, I look over at the desk, many papers and folders lay around the open computer. "Were you working?" My voice is raspy after crying.
"Yes," dad says in a low, soft voice.
"You haven't slept?"
"No," Alexander says shortly.
"Why-" dad cut me off.
"You change the topic." I don't answer, I just look down avoiding their eyes.
"Alessia, we believe that it was an accident, but we really want to know what happened, no one will get in trouble," Alexander leans forward in his seat, he looks straight at me with the same expressionless face, with the soft and worried gleam in his eyes.
I try to hold back my tears; everything is just too much right now and it doesn't help that I'm so tired. "I'm sorry" I whimper, I must look like a mess right now, ridiculous, pathetic.
"What for?" Dad takes my hand again.
"It was my fault."
"Did you do something wrong?"
He tries so hard to make you feel good and safe, but all you can do is hurt him.
Matteo's words echo in my head; the worst thing is that I know he's right.
I nod, I take in a shaky breath while tears stream down my cheeks like a waterfall.
Dad pulls me onto his lap and lean back on the couch, he wraps his arms around me in a comforting hug. Even though I always have my doubts in people, I can't help but seek more into his embrace, the comforting hug, the soft kiss on my cheek, the smell in his clothes, the same smell from last week, the same smell from yesterday in the mall, a smell that just screams safety.
I place my face in the crook of his neck and close my eyes.
Dad and Alexander's voices is the only sound in the room, but it quickly drops again, like they heard someone outside, eavesdropping.
"Your awake sweetheart?" Dad asks me, how did they know that I was awake, so fast. I nod softly into the crook of his neck; I take in a deep breath before I sit up and rub my eyes.
"Slept well?" Alexander asks me. I nod. He exchanges a look with dad. I have learned that every time they exchange looks, something that I don't like happens. He takes a deep breath, "Alessia, we have watched the CCTV." And I was right, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to think, I feel ashamed, I want to look at dad, but I can't make myself do it.
"Sweetheart, first of all I need to make you understand that I will never ever hurt you, or any of my kids, do you understand?" his voice is stern, I nod. There is a long silence, dad and Alexander look at each other, they want to say something. Dad takes a deep breath. "Since we met you seemed to be on guard all the time... has someone hurt you before?" he asks, yes, I want to say yes, but I don't want them to know, it's in the past, and I want to keep it that way, but I can't shake my head, I can't say no, I can't lie , it feels wrong to lie, but I can't tell the truth either. I look at my hands avoiding their gazes.
"Has Austin hurt you before?" Alexander asks me.
"No... it was the first time," and that's the truth.
"Don't lie to me."
"I'm not lying- "
"Then why do you keep flinching when something happens?" His voice is soft but stern, they want answers, but I don't say anything, and silence fills the room.
"Did your mom hurt you?" dad asks me hesitated.
"Noo," I say, kind of annoyed. She didn't, at least not directly.
"Then what is it... who hurt you?" his voice leaves a hint of desperation, the tears press on, I look down at my hands, they got me, and they know it, I know it.
"Everybody," I whimper after long silence, "they say if everyone around you is the problem, maybe you're the problem. But I don't know what I do wrong," I sob. I know this isn't what they asked for, but it's what hurt me the most right now.
"I don't understand sweetheart." Dad caresses my hair.
"You asked at the funeral if any of my friends were coming... I lost all my friends because of a stupid rumor, someone said that I had slept with one of my friend's boyfriend. I hadn't, I really hadn't," I say desperately with tears down my cheeks.
Dad nods. "We believe you," he says softly.
"But they didn't believe me. Austin was there for me, and then he cheated on me," I cry, and dad pulls me into his chest with his arms protecting around my body.
"You have done nothing wrong sweetheart, you have just been unlucky," dad whispers in my ear, he plants a kiss on my forehead "I'm so proud of you."
Wordcount: 4117
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