HEESEUNG'S POV
Sena was right; I don't know anything about her. Not even where she lives, not to mention her favorite color or food. I'm a mess. I stare at the ceiling of my apartment, feeling lost and frustrated. My whole life, I've been so focused on racing, on winning, that I've never really stopped to think about what I want outside of that. Right now, my car is in shambles, my career is hanging by a thread, and my personal life is a complete disaster. And yet, all I can think about is Sena.
The memory of her smile, her laughter, the warmth of her touch, it haunts me. I can't escape it, no matter how hard I try. And now, after crashing my car on the track, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. I've always prided myself on being in command, on being in control of every aspect of my life. But now, everything feels like it's slipping through my fingers.
I grab my phone, contemplating calling her, but what would I even say? I don't even know what I want anymore. "I'm a fucking mess," I mutter to Raven as she perches on the armrest of my couch, her piercing gaze fixed on me as if she understands every word I'm saying. "I'm supposed to be the best, but right now, I don't even know who I am." Raven just nods in that inscrutable way that cats do, as if she's silently agreeing with me. Maybe she does understand, in her own feline way. At least she doesn't judge me for being a mess.
I stand up and drag myself towards the kitchen, trying to distract myself with something. Anything. Raven follows me and I put her food in her bowl, along with water, and she starts to eat quietly, her tail swishing back and forth in contentment. For the first time in forever, as I lean against the kitchen counter, I check my schedule with Sena. The next thing after taking engagement pictures is attending a charity gala for children's education. It's in two days and I don't know if I dread it or look forward to it.
My thumb hovers above the call button next to her phone number and fuck it, I just press it. The phone rings once, twice, and then her voice comes through the line, soft and distant. "Hello?"
"Sena," I start, my voice cracking slightly. "It's me, Heeseung." There's a long pause on the other line and I start to second-guess my decision to call. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe I should have just left things the way they were. Maybe I'm just making things worse. But before I can hang up, she speaks.
"Heeseung," It almost sounds like she can't believe it's me on the other end of the line. "Is something wrong?" The fact that she thinks I'm only calling when something is wrong stings a little, but I push past it because that's what's expected of us. No strings attached, no feelings involved. We're only two people trying to sell a lie to a public that's so ready to buy it.
"No, nothing's wrong." As much as I want to sound casual, I can hear the hesitation in my own voice. "I just... I wanted to check in on you, see how you're doing."
Another pause, longer this time. I can almost picture her on the other end of the line, trying to process my unexpected call. "I'm... I'm doing okay," She replies, her tone cautious. "Just busy with work and stuff."
"I see," I tell her. I've been stalking your account and you haven't posted in two days is what I don't tell her. It's not like I'm keeping track and I don't want her to realize how much I've been thinking of her the past few days. Are you avoiding me? Are you mad at me? Do you regret saying yes? Do you regret agreeing to be my fake fiancée? Are you okay? Are you in trouble? Are you hurt? Do you need me? All these questions stuck in my throat and I find myself searching for the right words. "Are you busy?"
"No?" She says hesitantly and I take a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves. "I mean... I have the day off."
"Good. Do you think you can go horse riding with me?" Fuck me. I tighten my fists, closing my eyes briefly as I mentally kick myself. Horse riding? Really, Heeseung? Smooth. Real smooth. "I mean, we could go for a ride in the countryside. It's a beautiful day out and I thought it might be nice to get some pictures for your social media or something. If you're not busy, that is." I hold my breath, waiting for her response. Please say yes, Sena. Please don't think I'm crazy for suggesting this. Please just say yes.
"Horse riding sounds good," Sena says, and I let out a sigh of relief. "I've actually never been horse riding before, so it could be fun. I'll look for a place nearby-"
"No, Sena, I'll take care of that. Just get ready and I'll come pick you up in an hour or two. Does that work for you?"
"That works for me. I'll see you then." When we hang up, I toss my phone to my side and look at Raven who's been watching me with her piercing eyes. "Well, Raven, looks like we're going horse riding," I say to her, trying to sound more confident than I feel. She blinks at me, as if she understands, and then goes back to grooming herself.
Not even half an hour later, I'm already dressed and walking out of my apartment. Sena sends me her address and I follow the directions to her building. Horse riding has been one of my hobbies since I was young and I know it more than anyone else. The photos that we're going to take later on will be a hit and people will definitely not be able to doubt our relationship if the motherfucker Ujin decides to run his mouth. I wish I could break his bones and bury him in the deepest part of the ocean, but I know I can't and it's so fucking frustrating.
I pull up in front of Sena's building and text her that I'm here. She comes out a few minutes later, looking stunning as always. She's dressed in a flowy white blouse paired with fitted jeans and brown riding boots. Her hair falls on her shoulders but the smile isn't there. No matter how much I try looking for it, it's just not there. Her eyes are a little puffy and her expression seems distant, like she's lost in thought. I wonder if she's been crying, if something has happened to upset her. But before I can voice my concerns, she flashes me a small smile and gets into the car. "Thank you for picking me up."
"Is everything alright?" I can't just ignore the fact that she looks tired, exhausted even.
"Why? Do I look tired? I just didn't have much sleep these days, but I'm okay." She smiles, putting on her sunglasses to hide the fatigue in her eyes. "I wore a lot of makeup to hide my eyebags. If you could tell then I'd need to seriously reconsider my skills-"
"No, you look beautiful." I blurt out, but when her eyes widen and she breaks into a soft, bitter smile, I don't regret my words. "You're very beautiful, Sena, I hope you know that."