HILLARY
I've come to realize that making the decision to have a baby and actually turning that dream into reality are two different things. My mom made it seem so easy whenever she told me stories of how I came to be conceived. She should have been honest and told me of the toll it would take on me. Unless it was actually that easy for her because if it was then way to go mom because for me it is quite the opposite.
Once again I find myself standing in the same examination room I was in three weeks ago waiting for Dr. Cushing. One particular poster captures my attention and it's one of a woman in different stages of pregnancy. It's quite remarkable what a woman's body is capable of. The fact that our bodies can grow and adjust to accommodate growing a whole human being inside us is astounding.
I look down at my very flat stomach knowing that one day soon it will grow into a bump. Amelia's baby bumps are always fascinating to me and she is much smaller than I am so I can't help but wonder how I will look when it's my turn to have one. Hopefully I will look like my mom because when she was pregnant with me she was positively glowing.
The door opens and I turn to face Dr. Cushing who has walked in with a smile and what I am assuming is my file in her hand.
"Good morning Miss Jones or should I say Dr. Jones." She greets shaking my hand.
"I see someone has been reading my file but call me Hillary please." I request her.
People are so hell bent on being referred to as Doctors just because they have PhDs but I have never been one to care about any of that.
"Hillary it is. How have you been? You've rescheduled your appointment twice." She asks ushering me to sit down.
"I know I've just had a crazy couple of weeks." I reply trying to play it off cool as if it didn't take every ounce of energy I could muster to make it for this appointment.
"What happened? Last I saw you, you were very excited about this. Did something happen? Change your mind?" She asks. "Because I assure you it's perfectly normal to freak out and decide to wait a little longer."
"On no, nothing like that. I still want this, so much. But you are right something did happen." I confess.
I might have made the decision to have a baby while drunk out of my mind but it is one I am standing by. I want a baby more than anything and every day that passes that thought becomes more and more solidified in my mind.
"What happened? Are you okay?"
"Yes I am, or at least I hope I am. Three weeks ago, I kinda had unprotected sex with someone." I inform her.
He reaction is much subtler that Amelia's when I told her but she still looks surprised. "Oh?"
"Yes, it's the reason I kept postponing my appointment. I wanted to give my body time to see if maybe something happened. According to my calculations, I am a few days late but I don't want to get my hopes up. I've been so stressed by this whole process, work, and my best friend's pregnancy that I might just be tense and not pregnant." I explain.
More than anything I want my delayed period to be because I am pregnant but even I know the chances are fifty fifty.
"Why don't we take a test to confirm and then we will take it from there." Dr. Cushing says handing me a specimen cup.
She shows me to the bathroom in the corner of the room which I promptly use so I can find out about this as fast as possible.
When Jericho and I hooked up, I had no other intentions other than having sex with a really hot guy. But then Amelia got in my head after I told her that we didn't use protection and ever since that day I have been hopeful. I did not intend to go down the same road my mom did but it seems fate had other plans.
It's been three weeks and I thought I'd be over Jericho by now but I still find myself having vivid dreams of our encounter. Not a day has gone by that he has not crossed my mind especially knowing that I might unintentionally make him a father even though I know it's the last thing he wants. I did mean what I told Amelia though, if I am pregnant I will find Jericho and tell him. After that the ball will be in his court to do as he wants. I am ready to do this on my own but if he wants to be involved I cannot deprive him of his child.
But first I have to find out if I really am pregnant before I drive myself crazy overthinking things.
After getting Dr. Cushing the specimen that she wants I wash my hands and make my way back into the examination room.
"How long will the test take?" I ask giving her the specimen cup.
"A few minutes." She answers showing me a small white stick in her hand. "If it turns blue then it means you are pregnant."
And the wait begins. The silence is deafening and I am sure Dr. Cushing does not need her stethoscope to hear by heartbeat. This is the moment of truth. If that stick turns blue, then my life will be changed forever and I couldn't be more excited. And if not then I keep on with the original plan. Either way, I am getting me a baby.
"You're not pregnant." Dr. Cushing announces after a few minutes when the stick fails to change color.
It was one of the options, I had expected it but part of me is still disappointed. I really wanted this to happen quickly but I guess it was not meant to be.
"You seem disappointed." Dr. Cushing comments.
I give her a sad smile in response. "A bit."
"You are a healthy young woman Hillary; all your tests came back great. We can begin the process of you getting a baby as soon as you decide on who the lucky candidate is from the folder I gave you. That is if you have even looked at it." She asks.
"I have but I noticed that there aren't many black men on the baby daddy list for me to choose from. There are less than ten men here as compared to the hundreds of white men." I answer.
The list is another reason I wanted to be pregnant with Jericho's baby. He is the perfect sperm donor but he is not on the list. The other black men on the list honestly pale in comparison to him. He is physically fit, smart, obvious great genetics and we'd make such a cute baby.
"That is a problem we have. We try to get more people of color to donate but it's not so easy. Just last week we had one of our prospective black donors pull out." She explains and my mind immediately goes to Jericho.
I cannot tell her that I might know of the man she is talking about because first of all it's none of her business and two I might have helped talking him out of it even though he was already halfway there. I am happy that he finally made a decision but I am also disappointed because now they cannot add him to the list and I cannot choose him which I would have done without a second thought.
"None of the alternatives I have are appealing to me." I confess.
"I'm sorry to hear that. I know women of color prefer to use black donors as well but we have so many other choices. If you choose a Caucasian male, your baby will still be half black." She suggests.
"I thought of that but I don't want a mixed baby, no offence doc." I reply.
"None taken. You know we usually advice women, especially single ones of your age to try the natural way first. You already did try and it might not have worked out but we have pamphlets and tests you can do to make sure you are ovulating to better your chances. It's also much more fun that way." She explains with a wink making me smile.
"You are right and it is fun but what happened was a one off, a one night stand to be more accurate. I don't think I will ever see that man again and even if I do he wouldn't want to do this. He does not want children, even if he doesn't have to raise them." I explain.
Oh how wonderful it would be to have kids with Jericho but there is a reason he decided not to be a donor. And besides I have no way to contact him seeing as I only know of his first name and we did not exchange numbers which is exactly how one night stands work.
"You are only thirty Hillary so there is time to think about it, consider all options so you can figure out what works best for you." Dr. Cushing says.
"I have thought about it and this is what works best for me because this way I don't actually have to deal with a man, they are exhausting." I express.
"I can understand that but you've already discredited all the donors we have on our list." Dr. Cushing says.
I groan out loud and resist the urge to bag my forehead on her desk. "I know."
"How about this? You take time to think about it and reconsider the options we have. You never know you might have overlooked someone really great in there." Dr. Cushing advices.
This meeting has already been exhausting enough so I nod in agreement. "Okay."
"Good and I will give you some pamphlets and ovulation sticks just in case you decide to give the natural way a try." She says getting up.
"Seems unlikely but okay."
She gives me some pamphlets with all the information I need to know and a few ovulation sticks. "Thank you Dr. Cushing."
She shakes my hand and walks me out of the examination room. "Just doing my job, I will see you soon."
"Hopefully." I mumble under my breath.
"Don't sound so defeated, this is only the beginning of a beautiful journey." She encourages.
"I know." I reply and leave the clinic making sure to wave goodbye to Jo on my way out.
It's only mid-morning when I walk out as my appointment was very early. The sun is still warm and fresh so I take off my jacket to enjoy it's feeling on my bare arms. I check my phone as I'm walking to my car and there's a text from Amelia asking for buffalo wings and dates. I roll my eyes knowing what her intentions are.
Amelia is on bed rest because she is past her due date and is trying all the possible ways to induce labor. She could have asked Ezra but she knows I had my appointment this morning which means she wants to talk about it. Lucky for her I want to talk about it as well so I get into my car to get her the spicy wings that she's requested.
"Special delivery for the mother to be." I announce letting myself into my best friend's house.
"Living room." Amelia's voice yells back.
I walk into the living room expecting her to be laid up on the couch getting the rest that the doctor prescribed but instead she is – exercising?
She is bent over on all fours with her ass in the air, her belly hanging under her in what I assume is a very uncomfortable position.
"What are you doing? You're going to hurt yourself." I ask placing the food down and rushing to her.
"I'm trying some yoga positions that apparently induce labor." She replies sounding out of breath.
"What you are doing is dangerous so get up and try something a little bit safer." I say helping her stand up.
"Did you bring the wings?" She questions as I help her sit down.
"Yes I did and the dates too." I reply giving her the shopping bag.
"Oh thank you, I'm starving." She sighs happily digging into the wings immediately.
It's barely midday and she is having hot wings yet I do not find it strange at all but at the same time I am worried about her.
"You know spicy food does not compare to sex when it comes to an efficient way of inducing labor." I remind her.
"Ez and I have been going at like rabbits, almost didn't manage getting the kids to school in time this morning." She responds.
"That explains the hickey on your neck." I chuckle.
She rubs her neck and smiles getting this faraway look as if recalling a memory. "Seems like I've still got it even while I'm about to pop." She grins.
"Of course you do. Honestly I've never seen anyone look hotter whilst pregnant." I compliment.
"Oh please, you are just saying that to make me feel better." She scoffs brushing me off.
"I wish I was, you're already so full of yourself without me egging you on with things you already know to be true." I retort and her smile makes a comeback.
"You always know what to say to make me feel better."
"I've known you almost two decades of course I know what makes you tick." I reply.
Amelia and I met in middle school. I was always skipping grades due to how fast I went through the available material meaning I was always the youngest in all my classes. This meant that I was too smart for friends my own age and too young for my classmates so I never made any friends.
That is until I caught Amelia trying to cheat a test off my paper and I let her. We unfortunately were caught and sent off to detention. From that day on our friendship was forged and we got better at hiding it whenever she had to cheat off me. She was older than me but we were the same size because she's always been tiny.
I still had to skip grades and leave her behind but we always found a way to keep contact and build our friendship. She could no longer copy from me so we upgraded to me doing all her homework for her which I did not mind.
Close to twenty years later here we are eating spicy hot wings as I once again help her cheat mother nature by inducing labor when it's clear her twins are not ready to come out.
"You know most twins are born before their due date but not these two rascals." She sighs sadly rubbing her bump.
"They are not ready to leave the perfect world you've created for them just yet but they will." I reassure her.
Amelia's pregnancies have always been fairly easy, even with the twins but never have they surpassed their due dates like her current one. I truly feel for her but beyond a few words of encouragement and feeding her cravings there's not much more I can do.
"Enough about me, what did Dr. Cushing say?" She asks finally recalling that I went to see her.
"I'm not pregnant." I sigh sadly.
"I kind of suspected it when you didn't start showing any signs but I didn't want to say anything so as not to bum you out." She replies.
"I was fifty-fifty about it as well but it's okay. It's back to the bay daddy list I guess." I reply.
"But it has such poor choices." Amelia laments.
"I know, I don't even want to think about it. Then I found out that Jericho pulled out from being a donor so there's no luck of him being added to the list so that I can pick him." I explain.
Amelia takes my hand in hers and gives me a reassuring squeeze. "I know how bad you want this and it will happen for you so be patient. And besides there are other clinics, you can try them and see if they have more extensive lists." She suggests.
"I don't want to have to go through the whole process all over again, and besides I like Dr. Cushing." I express.
"She does sound amazing." Amelia concurs.
"She is amazing. I told her about Jericho and she even suggested I seek him out and see if maybe we can try again. Gave me all these pamphlets and some ovulation sticks to keep track of my cycle so I can increase my chances." I tell her.
"You know it's not such a bad idea, you can look for him." Amelia adds.
"No I cannot. First of all I wouldn't know where to start and second there is a reason he pulled out from being a donor, he doesn't want to be a dad and I am not going to make him one because he will not agree." I explain.
"You know his name and I'm sure there aren't that many firehouses around, if we wanted to I'm sure we could find him. Didn't you say that the reason he doesn't want to be a donor is because he cannot live knowing he has a child out there that he doesn't know about. Well you guys can come to some sort of arrangement to keep him updated of the kid's progress without him having to actually be in his or her life." Amelia says and her words are not complete nonsense.
"Yeah but where would we even start?" I mutter lying back with an exhausted sigh.
I cannot believe that I am even considering this but for weeks I've been thinking about what my baby with Jericho would look like and I have this image in my head I cannot get rid of. I have to at least try so that when he does turn me down I will know that I did my best.
"Wrack that genius brain of yours, I'm sure there is a detail from your conversation that can help us narrow down the search." Amelia encourages.
My mind wanders back to our conversation when we met and that's when I recall the minute I realized he was a firefighter and the talk that ensued from that.
"Ladder 171."
"What?"
"He told me that he's from Ladder 171." I say excitedly glad that I've recalled that detail.
"No way!" Amelia exclaims.
"What?"
"Hand me my phone." She demands.
Confused I reach for her phone and hand it to her. She unlocks it, scrolls for a moment before she finds what she is looking for turning the bright screen to me happily.
"What am I looking at?" I ask looking at the open document on her phone.
"The kindergarten class is taking a field trip to a firehouse because the kids are learning about fire safety. Guess which house they are visiting?" She asks.
"Ladder 171." I reply hope bubbling in my chest as I read the house number on the permission slip.
"Yes and this is the perfect opportunity for you. Since I cannot go they are looking for an extra teacher and you are perfect because now you can use this opportunity to talk to Jericho and convince him to do this." She explains.
"But I'm not a permanent staff member." I remind her.
"True but you would be if you signed the contract they gave you." Amelia counters.
A week ago I was offered a full-time job as a chemistry teacher but I have been conflicted because I am not sure if this is what I want to do with the rest of my life. I love teaching, my kids are amazing but I also loved my previous job. I worked so hard on my PhDs and I feel like teaching was only supposed to be temporary. I miss working in a lab with the best of equipment and the money is good too. But with teaching I feel as if I am actually making a difference molding the next generation. It's just all too confusing for me.
"I'm still thinking about it Amy." I tell her.
"No rush but permanent position or not, you can still go with my class and see Jericho." She assures me.
"Really?"
"Yes, I will vouch for you." She assures me.
All I have to do is be brave, say yes and soon enough I will be meeting Jericho again with the hopes of trying to convince him to be my baby daddy. I am nervous because there is a huge chance he will say no but I will never find out if I do not try.
And besides if he says no, there are plenty of black men out there even though I want Jericho.
"Okay I'll go." I inform Amelia.
She screams happily and pulls me in for a side hug.
"Yes! You are gonna get so knocked up." She laughs.
"One step at a time, getting him to say yes first." I recall.
"You guys already had sex so he is attracted to you. You already have that going for you." She encourages.
"Yes only that time we did it for pure pleasure, this time I will be asking him for a whole human being." I express worriedly.
"I know love but it will work out, you'll see. He will get one look at you, remember that bomb pussy and be all over you before you even ask." She says making me chuckle.
"You surely have a way with words Amy."
"I know I do. Now let's order some Mexican food, I need spicier food." She demands.
I gape at her. "But you just ate."
"Are you calling me fat?" She pouts.
"Definitely not, Mexican food coming right up." I say picking up my phone to order my best friend the food that she wants.
And that's how all Jericho talk is forgotten, at least for the moment
See you soon Jericho, I hope you say yes.