4951 words
TW: descriptions of sexual assault
"wow."
"i know," tyler nods.
he has just finished telling ashley everything that unfolded with josh, including their phone conversation from a few days prior. they haven't seen each other much (besides when josh would join them for lunch) since then, mainly just because josh has started to get swamped with work. he sips juice out of the colorful bendy straw inserted in the cup before him.
ashley decided to bring him out to dinner at his favorite restaurant—cheesecake factory. she keeps a stash of bendy straws in her purse for times like these. tyler has barely touched his plate because he's been so busy talking.
"so he likes you."
"i guess so."
tyler's face grows hot at the thought.
"and what are you gonna do about it?"
"i'm not sure," he admits.
"well... what do you want?"
tyler shrugs, taking a bite of his dinner. "i really like him. i don't know what to do."
"i think you just have to be honest with him. what's the worst that could happen?"
he gulps. he could think of quite a few things. "he hates me, he makes fun of me, he tells other people, it ruins our friendship, you know..."
"tyler!" ashley chuckles. "knowing josh, i seriously doubt any of that would be the case. i think the worst that could happen is he has no idea what you're talking about and then you have to manage the awkwardness of explaining the situation and then teaching him to be what you need."
"i don't want to do that," tyler groans. "what's the best case scenario?"
"best case scenario is that he knows what little space is and is cool with it. not sure how likely it is that he's heard of it before, though. he looked confused as hell over the juice incident."
tyler whines. "why can't i just be normal?"
"shut up," ashley rolls her eyes. "nobody is normal. i'm sure josh has secrets that make him weird, too."
"he likes to watch minecraft," tyler informs her.
"see?"
"but i like it too!"
"then you're just as weird as he is," she teases, laughing as he sticks his tongue out at her. "but seriously, it'll be fine."
"i don't want him to look at me any differently, though... i don't want him to think i'm a freak."
"tyler," ashley sighs, "he will not think you're a freak."
"i don't know. i can't tell him. i'm not ready."
"you can't keep him waiting forever."
"i know that, i just... i can't yet, ashley. i'm too chicken."
she reaches across the table and grabs his hand.
"hey, it's okay to be scared. i'm not saying you have to call him up and tell him right now. it's super cool for you to even be considering telling him."
"you think so?" tyler half-smiles. ashley always knows what to say to him.
"of course i do. you're the bravest, coolest person i know."
"thanks," tyler grins.
"are you almost finished eating? brendon and ryan aren't busy tonight, so we can go home and age you down and all hang out together. how's that sound?"
"okay," he agrees excitedly. "i'm almost done."
he finishes his plate rather quickly, eagerly awaiting their arrival home where he can safely regress and forget about his josh situation.
tyler has been trying to come up with the perfect way to tell josh about his little space, but nothing he comes up with quite feels right. it would be easier for him to tell josh over the phone, but that feels too impersonal. he thought about not telling him at all and instead having ashley do it, but he felt cowardly for even considering it as an option. maybe he should just keep it a secret for the rest of his life, but it would be easier for him to come clean. too many options.
"whatcha thinking about, ty?" ashley glances between him and the road in front of her.
he sighs. "i really like josh."
"you say that like it's a bad thing."
maybe it is.
"i don't know... you know what happened with dallon. i'm just afraid that will happen again."
dallon. he was tyler's boyfriend from senior year of high school to freshman year of college.
they had known each other for about a year before they started dating. dallon played bass in his own band and tyler was the president of the school's writing club. dallon was cool and tyler was a complete loser. they first met when dallon came to him for help with writing a new song. it took them a few weeks of working together before they had a finished product. tyler completely fell head over heels for dallon in those few weeks, but dallon didn't seem interested so they stopped hanging out once they finished.
miraculously, about a year later, dallon randomly texted him one friday afternoon inviting him to watch their band play downtown. tyler had never fully gotten over his crush, so he agreed. they hung out after the show and ended up having a really great time together. they went on a few more dates before dallon asked tyler to be his boyfriend, officially, and tyler was ecstatic.
it wasn't until about a month in that tyler started coming to terms with his little space and exploring that avenue of himself more. he always had certain characteristics that he felt made him different from others, namely his childish interests and mannerisms. it made him happy. it helped him separate from the rest of the issues he was facing; namely his parents going through an ugly divorce.
tyler's dad had always been absent most of his life—mainly emotionally but also sometimes physically due to the nature of his job—so it wasn't the separation itself that was hard. it was seeing the way it affected his mother and how it changed the way his father treated them. emotional absence turned into emotional abuse that lasted until tyler went no contact with his father sophomore year of college.
regressing helped tyler escape from all of that. dallon was extremely supportive when tyler brought it up to him. they did a lot of research together and, slowly, dallon started to take on the role of being tyler's caregiver. it was an extremely slow process, mostly because tyler wasn't fully comfortable with that part of himself yet. it took a few months of working through the awkwardness and uncomfortableness until he was finally okay with calling dallon daddy and fully letting his walls down.
tyler was infatuated with dallon, even if dallon sometimes did things that made him cry or really hurt his feelings. he doesn't think he ever really loved him, more so tyler was just afraid to be alone. in the end, the two fought so much that it started to remind tyler of his mom and dad's relationship. that's when he started to realize something was wrong. but he was afraid of navigating life without dallon, so he stayed with him. even through the name-calling, the yelling, the shaming, the fingers around his throat that weren't quite tight enough to leave bruises.
(TW for SA starts here)
tyler's final straw was after dallon guilted him into having sex with him. for the fourth time. that time tyler couldn't find the strength within him to do anything other than look at the forest outside his window and imagine he was out there instead of in his room. he hated the way he felt afterwards. used. pathetic. he cried when dallon finished and the latter got angry with him because tyler was, in dallon's words, "acting like i raped you."
(TW over)
fortunately, tyler found the strength to break up with dallon shortly afterwards. they had a huge fight, of course, with dallon saying some real nasty things that attacked every part of tyler. one thing he said in particular shook tyler to his core. it still manages to sneak it's way into tyler's thoughts nearly every day.
nobody will ever want to be with a pathetic little freak like you.
and he was right so far. every person tyler found afterwards—through dating apps or what have you—wanted nothing more than to use him for their own sexual desires. it got to the point where tyler was so disgusted with himself he stopped letting himself regress and instead started resorting to some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms. once he met his current friend group (and actually made the leap to go to therapy), things slowly started to get better.
he never told anyone besides ashley the truth about what happened to him; he lied to ryan and brendon and said he was a virgin when that was far from the truth. nonetheless, they really helped pull tyler out of a not-so-great place. he's not as whole as he was before, obviously, but he's better. he's made so much progress towards being himself again and is so afraid of losing all that hard work.
"josh is not dallon," ashley reminds him. "he is not anybody other than josh."
"yeah, yeah. i know," tyler mumbles.
"but i understand where you're coming from. i'm proud of you for even thinking about letting josh in. i know how hard it must be."
the brunette smiles at her. "thanks, ash."
"of course."
"i just want to be little and forget about it all," he complains.
"oh yeah?" ashley reaches across the center console, poking him in his ribs. "you just want to be little?"
tyler laughs, jolting himself away from her. "don't! that tickles!"
this only causes ashley to reach further and grab hold of his side, viciously wiggling her fingers atop his ribcage. tyler erupts in a fit of giggles, desperately trying to avoid her touch but having nowhere to run.
his last ditch effort is to yell, "you're gonna make us crash!", which causes her to pause only for a moment before continuing. after what felt like many minutes of torture but was probably only a few seconds, ashley finally pulls away and places both hands back on the steering wheel. she grins at her friend.
"you're so mean!" tyler exclaims, clutching his chest as he attempts to steady his breathing.
"no, you're mean," ashley argues.
"nuh-uh!"
"yes-huh."
"meanie!" tyler narrows his eyes at her, scrunching up his nose and sticking his tongue between his teeth.
she just grins, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye. "well, i guess you don't want to watch a movie when we get back."
the boy gasps, his jaw dropping as if she just said the most offensive thing imaginable. "no! i do! pleaaaase..."
"okay, okay. only because you asked so nicely."
"yay!" tyler cheers.
"aaaand," ashley adds, "maybe we can get bren and ry to color with us."
"ooo, yes!"
tyler pulls out his phone, opening the group chat with the three of his friends.
ash & i will be home soon!
we want to color
pls
bren 🍭:
WE want to or YOU want to?
her idea!!!!
ry🍪:
i think that can be arranged
ok!!!
bren🍭:
idk i have some work i have to do
:( ... pls?
bren🍭:
fine only bcuz i love you
YYYAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!
LOVE YOU!!!!
ry🍪:
should we prepare snacks?
bren🍭:
animal crackers and juice perhaps?
YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
ry🍪:
maybe put on a movie too?
GOOD IDEA!
bren🍭:
gotchu
when will you be here?
WE ARE PARKING RIGHT NOW!! BE THERE SOON!!!!!
tyler pulls ashley by her hand the entire way to their house, blabbering about how excited he is to spend time with his friends because he loves them so much. he's also just excited to be able to regress and spend the rest of his night daydreaming about the cute boy that he likes so much.
he bursts through the front door, running into the living room to find brendon and ryan. they already have various coloring books and coloring utensils scattered across the floor. a bowl of animal crackers and a few juice boxes sit on top of the coffee table. the opening scene of tangled is playing on the tv.
tyler squeals excitedly, searching through the coloring books until he lands on one filled with baby animals. he joins brendon and ryan where they sit on the floor, all three of them with their backs against the lower half of the couch, while ashley sits on the other side of the coffee table. tyler makes sure to wedge himself between the couple, despite brendon protesting that there's no room for him there. tyler doesn't care if their elbows are touching! he wants to be next to both of them!
the brunette combs through the coloring book until he comes across a page with a daddy penguin standing with a baby penguin between his legs. he giggles, thinking about how he's the baby penguin and josh is the daddy penguin. he's totally going to color this one. and then he can give it to josh! he'll love it!
"aw, that's cute ty," ryan says, observing the coloring page.
"mhm, it's me," he says, pointing at the baby penguin. he moves his finger to the bigger penguin. "n that's josh."
"oh yeah?"
"mhm! i'ma color it and give it to 'em."
"i bet he'd like that," ashley chimes in. "especially because you're a great colorer."
"i know," tyler brags, "better than you all!"
"okay, well you have a lot more practice than us," brendon claims. "you color all the time."
"yep! dat's why i'm the bestest."
"oh yeah?" brendon challenges. "let's have a coloring contest, then. josh can be the judge since he won't know whose is whose."
"fine!" the brunette agrees, sticking his tongue out at the older. "he'll pick mine."
"no he won't."
"yes he will!"
"no he won't."
"ashley!" tyler whines, looking to her for support.
she grins. "i think he'll pick mine, actually."
the boy groans, turning to ryan now. he also claims that his will be the winner.
tyler glares at all of them, determined to make sure his coloring is the best so that there's no way josh won't pick it. he is sure to make the daddy penguin blue because he knows that's josh's favorite color.
that's when inspiration strikes and tyler starts drawing a whole heap of random things that josh likes. a coffee cup and dumbbell now float in the air next to the penguins. he even draws a radio and starts scribbling out names of the bands he's seen josh own tshirts of, surrounding the names in music notes as if the penguins are listening to the bands. to top it all off, tyler carefully draws red hearts around the penguins and colors them in pink.
it's a bit on the sloppy side since tyler's attention is divided between coloring and watching tangled, but he finishes in time with everyone else. examining his friends coloring pages, tyler suddenly starts to worry that his isn't good enough. theirs are all so neat and pretty! he frowns at his own.
"something wrong, ty?" ashley asks him.
the brunette shakes his head furiously. he refuses to admit defeat!
"josh is on his way," brendon informs, typing away on his phone. "i just invited him. he said he was busy but i told him it was extremely important."
tyler's eyes light up, gasping in disbelief. josh had been so busy working on a project that he hadn't seen him since yesterday! he misses him a lot.
"are you sure that's the best idea?" ashley sighs.
"what? tyler's fine. right, ty?"
he nods excitedly. "s'okay! wanna see 'em!"
"okay," she says hesitantly, "but if it's too much i can tell him to leave, okay?"
"mhm!"
the four of them sit and watch tangled for a few minutes until there's a knock at the door. tyler's excitement is spilling out of him, he can hardly sit still. he doesn't even care if josh doesn't pick his coloring page. he'll just be happy to see him!
ryan gets up to answer it and tyler is quick to follow. the second the door is open, the brunette wraps his arms around josh's waist and pulls him in for a tight hug. strong arms close around his frame, squeezing his shoulders tightly. tyler can't contain his giggles.
"miss me?" josh chuckles.
tyler loosens his grip slightly, just enough to be able to lift his head and look up at josh. the latter is beaming down at him with a toothy grin, wild curls dancing across his forehead. his cheeks are a light shade of pink. today he has one nose ring in instead of two. tyler also notices he's wearing a metallica shirt. perfect! that's one of the bands he wrote down!
"missed you," tyler says softly, now feeling intimidated by the older's presence. he's too cute! he slowly lets go of josh, taking a step back.
"i know, sorry i've been so busy. i should be finished with this stupid assignment soon. i miss hanging out with you."
tyler's ears grow hot. josh misses him too! he grins, leading the older into the living room by his hand.
"what is so important?" josh asks, taking in the scene before him.
"well," brendon starts, "we really need you to pick whose coloring page is the best. tyler says he's the best colorer, but i think i am."
"i think i am," ryan adds.
"and i think i am," ashley states.
"ohhh, i see." josh glances at the disney movie playing before turning his attention to the colorful papers on the coffee table. "this is definitely more important than finishing my work."
tyler stands beside him, nearly boiling over with anticipation. he tries yelling inside his mind just in case josh can hear him: pick mine! pick mine! the penguins! please! pick mine!
after what feels like hours of deliberation, josh finally points at tyler's coloring page. "this one is clearly the winner."
"yeah!" tyler shouts, grabbing the paper and holding it in everyone's faces. "i told you! i told you! i'm da best! he picked me!"
nobody points out that it was obvious which one was tyler's and that josh was clearly biased towards him.
"yeah, yeah, whatever," brendon grumbles, pretending to be upset.
"aw man," ryan sighs. "i really thought i did a good job."
tyler sticks his tongue out at them and calls them losers. ashley tells him that's not very nice. he sticks his tongue out at her too.
"here," he says, turning to josh. he hands the older the coloring page. "is for you."
"for me?" josh gasps.
"mhm!" tyler points at the penguins. "dis is you. he's blue cuz you like blue. dis is me. he's red cuz i like red."
"oh, i see. and what's all this?" he points at the hearts but tyler pretends he doesn't notice.
"well, i gave 'em coffee and workout stuff because you like 'em. and music."
"ahhh. so the hearts are because it's all things i like?"
"yeah!" tyler agrees, although that wasn't exactly the reason. he just put them because he really likes josh!
"including you, right?"
the brunette blushes now, covering his mouth to stifle a giggle. "mhm!"
"get a room you two," brendon groans, throwing a crayon at tyler.
"hey! mean!" tyler shouts back.
"yeah, we don't throw things at you and ryan when you guys eat each others faces off right in front of us," ashley defends.
"yeah!"
brendon just rolls his eyes, but the curl of his lips indicate a playful smile. tyler turns his attention back to josh.
"you like it?"
"i love it, tyler. i'll hang it up on my wall."
the brunette smiles proudly. josh is going to hang up something he made! "can you stay?"
"uhh, i don't know. i really probably shouldn't-"
"awww," tyler whines before he can continue.
"yeah, i want to it's just..."
tyler looks up at him with big, sad, puppy dog eyes. his lower lip juts out slightly in a pouty frown. for extra effect, he bats his eyelashes.
josh sighs, a smile creeping its way onto his lips. "okay, well i can't say no to that."
"yay! joshy stayin'!" tyler cheers, dragging the older to sit on the couch with him.
"but not for too long, okay? the faster i finish, the faster i won't be so busy. til the next assignment, at least."
tyler pretends not to hear him. he grabs a handful of animal crackers and offers them to josh, who graciously accepts a few. he also takes a juice box for himself and gives one to josh as well. once they're situated with snacks and drinks, tyler sneakily scoots closer to the older so their knees are touching. they're about an hour into the movie, so a decent chunk of time remains for them to cuddle.
almost instantly, josh's arm comes to rest across the boy's shoulders. tyler carefully readjusts himself to snuggle against josh's side, the thumb of the hand not holding his juice box finding its way to his lips. he's too comfy and content to understand his current little state. that is, until ashley elbows him in the side.
he removes his thumb to shout, "hey!"
josh looks at them curiously. tyler narrows his eyes at his friend. she looks between him and josh but doesn't say anything. tyler realizes now what the reason for that was, but he doesn't care. josh can't see what he's doing, anyway.
he puts down his juice box and immediately plops his thumb back between his lips. his free hand now pinches the material of josh's shirt between his thumb, index, and middle finger, gently rolling the fabric back and forth.
tyler hasn't felt this happy in a long time. the only thing that could possibly make it even better would be a stuffed animal on his lap, but they're all too far away upstairs. josh starts tracing shapes on the bare skin of the boy's bicep, causing goosebumps to spread throughout his body.
tyler has the sudden realization of how happy he could be if he just stopped worrying and told josh the truth. he could feel this way all the time. he could be free to be himself whenever he wanted. shouldn't the possibility of that outweigh the possibility of getting hurt? besides, josh has done nothing but prove how much he cares about him.
as he starts considering telling josh the truth right then and there, tyler begins aging up considerably. how easy it would be to just let josh figure it out on his own, but no. tyler can't stand to think of himself so cowardly. he's not a coward! he's brave and he's strong—just like ashley told him.
he goes back and forth with himself for a while, paying less attention to the movie and more to the situation at hand. just as he finds the courage and opens his mouth to speak, tangled's end credits begin to play out and josh beats him to it.
"i think now's probably a good time to head out."
tyler's confidence falters. he missed the opportunity.
"okay," he frowns.
josh cuddles with him for a second longer before rising to his feet. tyler copies his actions.
"i'll see you guys for lunch tomorrow?" he directs the question at tyler's friends.
"yeah, definitely," ryan nods.
"i won't be there, i'm getting lunch with debby," ashley says.
"the rest of us will be there, so yes we will see you then."
"cool," josh smiles. "see you guys."
a chorus of bye's erupt from them. tyler follows him to the door, hanging his head. he's so mad at himself for not acting in the moment. when else will he have the chance? he needs to do something now before it's too late.
"you okay?" josh asks as he hangs in the doorway.
tyler bites his lip for a moment before deciding to join josh on the porch. he shuts the door behind them, hoping it's enough of a barrier so that his friends won't overhear.
"tyler?"
"can i kiss you?"
josh is speechless for a moment before his lips spread into that huge, toothy grin tyler adores so much. "of course you can."
despite the anxious butterflies in his tummy, tyler places his hands on josh's shoulders and raises to his tippy-toes. he leans in slowly, trying to ignore the pulse in his ears and the burning behind his cheeks. he hasn't kissed anyone in a long time. what if he can't remember how? what if he isn't any good?
josh grows impatient and is the first to lean in, closing the space between them as he presses their lips together gently. tyler's eyes flutter shut, his anxiety melting away instantaneously. josh's hands come to rest on the small of tyler's back and pull him closer ever-so-slightly. josh leads the way, tyler's soft lips quickly finding the rhythm of the older's chapped ones. the electricity that hangs between them is irrefutable. it makes tyler's hair stand on end and his heart beat a million miles per minute.
it's over just as quick as it began. josh pulls away first, but leaves their foreheads connected. tyler hesitates before allowing his eyes to open, finding chestnut orbs gazing back at him. he breathes deeply, josh does the same before he breaks out into that contagious smile.
"god, you don't know how long i've been waiting for you to kiss me," the older says.
tyler smiles so hard his face hurts. he isn't sure what to say. he doesn't want to ruin the moment, so he doesn't say anything.
"now what?" josh asks.
good question. the brunette captures his lower lip between his teeth, debating his next move.
"i like you a lot," he says slowly.
"i like you a lot, too."
"there's stuff you need to know that you might not like, though."
"tyler, the only thing that could make me not like you right now is if you're a murderer."
they share a brief laugh. "i'm serious, though."
"okay. what is it?"
the brunette frowns. "i don't think i can tell you in person."
"okay, that's fine. you can call me when i get home."
"text?" tyler offers.
"yes, or text me. whatever you need. but seriously, i want you to know that i want to be with you more than i've ever wanted anything in my life."
his words are comforting, but they do little to ease the anxiety bubbling in the boy's gut. "let me be honest with you first before you make claims like that."
"okay," josh agrees. "and when i still feel the same way afterwards?"
the brunette chuckles. "i don't know..."
"can i kiss you again?"
tyler nods. josh doesn't waste a single second before connecting their lips again, just as soft and easy as the first time. tyler makes sure to savor it even more this time, fearing it may be the last intimacy they share before josh decides he wants nothing to do with him anymore. the older gives him a final quick, soft peck before pulling away.
"okay," he smiles. "i better get home then."
tyler nods, swallowing the anxiety rising in his throat. "okay."
"i'll be looking out for your text."
"okay."
"and i'll see you tomorrow."
his heart flutters at that. tomorrow their relationship may look completely different. it could be in complete shambles or it could be completely whole. tyler doesn't know what to predict.
"okay. see you tomorrow. i'll text you."
josh smiles in response, pressing a swift kiss to the boy's temple before starting down the porch stairs to make his journey home. tyler quickly retreats indoors, sprinting towards his friends and immediately unraveling.
"oh my god! oh my god! oh my god!" he shouts.
"what happened!?" ashley asks in a panic.
"you're as white as a ghost!" ryan says.
"oh my god," tyler repeats. "oh my god i kissed josh. oh my god. we kissed."
"is that a good thing?"
"yes!" tyler exclaims before his three friends erupt in a fit of cheers.
"so what does that mean now?"
"oh my god. i told him i had things to tell him before he could decide he wants to be with me. i-i couldn't say it to his face, i just couldn't, so i told him i'd text him..." tyler's hands are shaking now, realizing the full extent of what just unfolded.
"there's nothing wrong with that, ty! oh my gosh! i am so proud of you!" ashley says, hugging him.
"i'm so scared."
"nothing good ever comes easy," brendon says, patting the boy on the back. "the hardest part is almost over."
"yeah, you can do this ty!" ryan encourages.
"i think i'm gonna throw up."
"really?" ashley quickly steps away from him.
"no. i'm freaking out, though."
"do you want our help?"
"no... i can do this."
"when?"
"right now before i chicken out!"
"you got this!"
"i'm going to go hide in my room. if i come out crying you know why."
"if that's the case, we'll be right here to shower you with love. but i have a sneaky feeling that's not gonna happen," ashley says.
tyler shrugs. "maybe. okay, i have to do it now or i'm not going to do it."
"text us if you need us."
he nods and ascends the stairs, taking them two at a time to quickly get to his bedroom. he hops into his bed, pulling all his stuffies into his chest. unlocking his phone with a deep breath, anxiety courses through his veins.
here goes nothing.
(a/n: FINALLY THEY HAVE KISSED!!
ALSO NEXT SEMESTER!? i have such a personal connection to this fucking song. i seriously NEVER thought anything would replace fake you out as my all time favorite most personally meaningful song, but this one definitely tops it. i've never cried so hard to a twenty one pilots song. fuck. this band means everything to me.
also! i signed up for the presale for tickets at their philadelphia show! super fucking excited. i plan on getting pit tickets. i've been to two of their concerts before but have never been in the pit, so if anyone has tips i'd love to hear them!
anyway, the next chapter will just be their text convo so enjoy the double upload! <3)