Fyodor Dostoyevsky was having such a pleasant day before the voice started playing through the loudspeakers. "Hello, ladies, gentlemen, and those who don't give a damn about the gendered binary." The person sounded like they'd just had way too much caffeine. Fyodor hadn't taken many trains before, but he knew this wasn't normal. Random people didn't just get up and grab a microphone. "I hate to be the bringer of bad news, but this whole train has just been taken hostage by the port mafia."
Maya sighed, and rolled her eyes. She shook her head, and the beads in her braids made a small clicking sound when they connected with each other. "Why can't I just have one normal day?" She asked someone, presumably God. Fyodor pulled on a strand of his long dark hair. "Maya? What do we do here?" He asked. He'd only been with the agency for a few months. So far, he was good at hacking, talking to people, and he had a small dagger he used for self defense. Fighting a full member of the port mafia wasn't something Fyodor was ready for.
"Not to worry, Fyodor." Maya said. "I've just used my ability to see what this guy is all about, and I can see that he's absolutely useless. However, he does have two accomplices on the train, both of which are much more dangerous than he is." Oh, no. Oh, no no no. Fyodor could do the math. Three members of the port mafia. Three good guys on the train. "Please, no, Maya." Fyodor said. "Can't we just try to fight them all together?" Maya shook her head. "We have to split up to fight these guys if we want to prevent the train from exploding." That sounded worse than Fyodor had been expecting.
"Okay, Fyodor, you get the bomber, while Jouno and I get the assassins." And with that, Maya and Jouno took off, while Fyodor was left standing there, wondering what the actual hell he was supposed to do. "Hi." Fyodor said. A crowded car full of terrified people stared at him. "My, uh, my name is Fyodor." He said. "I'm with the agency." That seemed to do something to calm everybody. "I'm going to go deal with the guy we heard on the loudspeakers." Fyodor said. He didn't think it prudent to mention the assassins.
Fyodor walked towards the main cabin. That was surely where the bomber was holed up. If Fyodor was planning on taking over a train, that was where he would hide. He stopped in front of the door, waited a minute, then tried the handle. Maya was someone who was strong and skilled in a fight, and probably would have been able to kick down the door. Fyodor...was not. If the door was locked, he would have to get down on his hands and knees and pick it. And also pray.
Luckily, the door opened easily when Fyodor turned the handle. The cabin was dimly lit, but Fyodor could make out the port mafia bomber standing in the middle. He had a long green scarf, a doctor's coat, giant protective glasses, and a terrible haircut. "Greetings. My name is Fyodor. I come from the agency." The bomber raised an eyebrow. "Fyodor? What kind of a name is that?" Fyodor tugged at his hair. "Russian." He finally said. The bomber seemed to think about it. "Is that like Thor, and all of them?" He asked. Fyodor shook his head. "No, that's Norse. Russian is like Perun and Velez." Clearly this guy had never heard of the gods of Fyodor's homeland. "Huh." Was all the bomber said. Fyodor has no idea what to do here.
"Oh, right, you're with the agency." The bomber said, as if finally processing that part. "I guess I'm supposed to do away with you." Fyodor frowned. "Why?" He asked. The bomber paused again. "Because Kouyo says so, and she's scary." That was a fair point. From what Fyodor had heard about Kouyo, the port mafia executive scared him too. "Why does Kouyo say you should assassinate me?" Fyodor asked. It seemed like a reasonable question.
"Because someone scarier than the port mafia put a bounty out on Jouno." The bomber said. Fyodor frowned. Weaponizing the port mafia against the agency made sense, but it made no sense to weaponize them against the hunting dogs. "Did they say why?" The bomber shook his head. "They just said we have to go after Jouno. That, and that I have to be on the train." Fyodor bit his lip. That really made no sense. "Well, now that we have the talking out of the way, I suppose we have to get to the fighting." The bomber said. Ah. Fyodor reached up his sleeve, and pulled out his dagger.
"I'll tell you one thing, Fyodor." The bomber said. "Actually, two things. First off, my name is Kaji." Fyodor nodded. "It's nice to meet you, Kaji." Fyodor said. Then, he realized what he was saying. "Well, it's not nice you're holding the train hostage, and you're about to attack me, but it's nice to make your acquaintance." Kaji smiled. "It's nice to meet you too, Fyodor. But now, I have to get back to my second point. What my power is."
Fyodor waited while Kaji gave himself a dramatic pause. "They call me the lemon bomber." Kaji said triumphantly. Fyodor blinked in surprise. "Because you make lemons explode by touching them?" He asked. That...was a strange ability. Fyodor would never look at a lemon the same way again. "No, because I'm immune to bombs that are shaped like lemons." That was stranger. How did Kaji even figure out he had an ability like that? "Wait a minute, that doesn't make you the lemon bomber." Fyodor said. "That makes you the lemon-shaped-bomb-bomber!"
Fyodor realized he was now pointing an accusatory finger at Kaji, but he didn't care. Kaji had misrepresented himself by calling himself the lemon bomber, when in fact, he couldn't turn lemons into bombs. That was false advertising. "I suppose I am." Kaji said. "But lemon shaped bomb bomber just sounds clunky." Fyodor crossed his arms. "Well, that doesn't make you any less of a lemon shaped bomb bomber."
Kaji was getting annoyed now. "Hey, Fyodor, if you're so curious about my lemon bombs, why don't you take a closer look?" Fyodor wasn't a person with the most social skills ever, but he knew that Kaji was now threatening to throw a lemon shaped bomb at him. Fyodor did the only thing he could think of. He'd seen this in a movie once. He started singing, then crouched down and charged. Most people have some kind of badass battle cry before they tackle their opponent. Fyodor just thought it would throw Kaji off his game if he started singing.
Fyodor and Kaji hit the ground hard, and Fyodor was sure he'd be feeling it for a week. Fyodor surged forwards while Kaji was still down, and grabbed the bright yellow bomb. "Hah!" Fyodor said. "I will now defuse your lemon shaped bomb." He then pulled the blue wire, rendering the bomb useless. "You've been defeated."
Fyodor then realized that Kaji was sitting up, and unbuttoning his coat. "Ah, not quite." He said, and Fyodor felt a pit in his stomach. "The main thing I was supposed to do wasn't to kill you, Fyodor of the agency." Kaji said triumphantly. "It was to separate the last car from the rest of the train." Oh. Oh, crap. Fyodor knew what was about to happen, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Kaji threw off his coat, and Fyodor watched in horror as at least twenty giant lemon shaped bombs spilled out.
Massive explosions rocked the cabin, and shattered the wall behind Kaji. Kaji grabbed one of the seats for dear life as the train cars separated, and Fyodor and Kaji's cabin started to grind to a halt. It was a good thing they weren't on a hill, because Fyodor did not want to go falling backwards like you would in a cartoon. "Well." Kaji finally said. "It worked." He proceeded to cackle maniacally before suddenly stopping. "I don't want to hurt my voice." He finally said. He sat down, and looped his legs over the now wide open back of the train car. Kaji pulled a small deck of cards out of his pocket. "Wanna play?" He asked. Fyodor shrugged. It wasn't like there was anything else he could do. All he could do was hope that Maya and Jouno had done better than him. "Higher or lower?"
*
Jouno steadied himself against one of the standing poles while the train rocked. "What was that?" Jouno asked, already fearing the answer. "The rest of the train being separated from us." Maya said, and she didn't sound too upset about it. "You knew that was coming." She nodded. "Yes, but that means that Fyodor and the rest of the civilians are out of harm's way." Maya naming Fyodor among the civilians didn't go unnoticed. "That means they want us alone." Jouno said. Maya nodded again. "Elementary, my dear Jouno." She said. "They're after you." Ah. Of course they are. "Why?" Jouno asked. "Because they're being paid to." That didn't really answer Jouno's question. "I can't tell more. Someone put a block on my power." That sounded ominous, but Jouno didn't have long to think about it before he heard the sound of a very familiar ability user approaching.
In the first timeline, Jouno had almost died at Fukuchi's hands. But Fukuchi wasn't the only one who had traumatized Jouno that day. Akutagawa, a member of the port mafia, had been struck first by the vampire infection, and Fukuchi had used him and his power as a tool. Specifically, Akutagawa had prevented Jouno from escaping the room he almost died in. Akutagawa had an ability that scared the living daylights out of Jouno. He could fabric bend a demon, which was fine, but it was the devoured space that still gave Jouno nightmares. No matter how much Jouno dematerialized, no matter how open the space was, Akutagawa would always be the one person he couldn't run away from. And now he was here. Jouno instinctively reached up to touch the spot on his neck that Akutagawa's vampire teeth had pierced.
"Uh, Jouno?" Maya asked. "I get he's port mafia, and he's scary and all that, but wtf?" Jouno barely registered what she was saying. "Why are you afraid of him biting you?!?" Maya asked incredulously. "Like, why is that even a thing that crosses your mind?" The familiar sound of Maya's voice broke through the waves of Jouno's panic attack. It was okay. Jouno wasn't alone this time. He had Maya. Maya was his friend. She could help him out here.
Maya turned back to Akutagawa, who had just stood there silently this whole time. "Do you go around biting people?" She asked loudly. Akutagawa seemed confused. "Uh, no?" He finally said. "My friend here is worried about you biting him." The book could hide the alternate timeline from Maya, but not the biting thing? Seriously? "I'm not going to bite him. I'm just supposed to kidnap him." Somehow, that didn't exactly put Jouno at ease.
"Yeah, you're not going to do that either." Maya said. "Nobody bites or kidnaps my friends while I'm present." Jouno was sure this was something Maya never thought she'd ever have to say. "By the way, it's just him." Maya said. "I lied about there being two people to get Fyodor to the safe part of the train." Under normal circumstances, Jouno would have laughed. She might have Ranpo's powers, but Maya was still very much herself. "My name is Akutagawa." Akutagawa said. "I've killed thirty five people."
Jouno wasn't sure if he was bragging, threatening, or sort of sad about that fact. "I'm sorry to hear that." Maya said. "For their sakes." Maya abruptly shoved Jouno to the side, and got smacked backwards by one of the long, snakelike arms of Akutagawa's demon. "Ow." Maya said, and sat up rubbing her head. "That hurt." For whatever reason, Maya seemed to only be able to use Ranpo's ability. She couldn't heal. Jouno was going to have to defeat Akutagawa here: for Maya's sake as well as his.
"It's me you want, right?" Jouno said. "Well, come get me." Jouno dematerialized, thinking fast about what was in the train car. A few suitcases, maybe, but nothing much. Because sixteen year old Jouno wasn't a full member of the hunting dogs yet, he didn't have his sword. He did have his knives, though. Jouno reformed on the top rack of the train, and drew his throwing knives. He launched them in Akutagawa's direction, but the port mafia member stopped them midair, using his ability to destroy space itself. The knives dropped harmlessly to the ground, while Jouno's heart started hammering. A younger Akutagawa could very much still use his powers.
"Jouno, you're going to have to fight him yourself." Maya called. "My arm is broken in seven places." She said calmly, like she was discussing the weather. Jouno felt bad about her injury, of course, but seriously? Jouno had to fight this guy alone? Of course he did, because this was his life. There were very few times in his life that Jouno wanted Tetchou there more. "Very well." Jouno said. This was what Jouno did. When presented with his demons, he fought them head on. Akutagawa was going down.
"I've heard about you before, Akutagawa." Jouno said. "The devil in a trench-coat." One of Akutagawa's snakes shot out, and Jouno jumped backwards. "They say you're a soulless demon, crawled up from the pits of hell." Akutagawa's snakes came harder and faster. He was angry. "I don't think that's right." Jouno said, back-flipping out of the snake's reach. "Everyone has a reason why they do things." Akutagawa slowed down his attacks, but only slightly. Jouno knew he was on a role.
That was, of course, when one of Akutagawa's snakes shot out and grabbed Jouno around the waist before he could dodge. Immediately, Akutagawa activated his devoured space ability, locking Jouno in place, and raising him off the ground. Jouno tried to breathe through his panic. "I don't want to have to hurt you." Akutagawa said. "But the boss said he needs you, and I have to deliver." Jouno struggled to fight back as Akutagawa's ability tightened around him, and spread up towards his neck. "Not to worry. I'm only going to squeeze your carotid artery a bit." Akutagawa said. That was bad. If Jouno was going to sway the kid with words, he was going to have to do so now.
"I fight for justice, but I haven't always done that. I used to be the head of a criminal organization, before I was arrested and recruited. I've lived my whole life with people seeing me as broken and soulless. By saving people, they can see what's on my heart. By being good, I can gradually create a world in which I can believe I deserve to live." Jouno said. Akutagawa's ability continued to squeeze, and Jouno felt himself going lightheaded. "Akutagawa, is your loyalty to your boss truly stronger than your loyalty to the person you could have been?" Jouno knew some vagueness about Akutagawa's backstory from the previous universe, and just hoped he'd hit a nerve. "My name is Akutagawa." The port mafia assassin repeated. "I've killed thirty five people." Was...was Akutagawa crying? The same Akutagawa that infected Jouno during the vampire outbreak. Jouno had to remember that Akutagawa was younger in this timeline, though. His ability let up, and he set Jouno down. "I don't want to kill anyone else."
Akutagawa started to unbutton his coat, and Jouno heard Maya curse. "Jouno, he's got a bomb strapped to him!" Oh. That was bad. Jouno could probably stop it going off, but he didn't have any of his tools. "That's a shame, Akutagawa. If you hadn't surrendered, I wouldn't have had to do this." Another very familiar voice came through Akutagawa's phone. Dazai. Yet another person from the previous timeline that Jouno well and truly hated. Dazai was a former port mafia executive, one who claimed to have gone good, but had never really changed. He was like a bad reflection of Jouno. In this timeline, he'd apparently never left the port maria. "As powerful as you are, you're just a tool." He said coldly. "Dazai, please no." Akutagawa tried. "I'm sorry, but you defied me, so now you have to die."
Jouno wasn't sure what he was doing. Akutagawa scared Jouno, but his strong disliking of Dazai was stronger than the fear he felt. Jouno surged forwards, and drew one of his knives. "Sit still." Jouno said sharply. He was being abrupt, but he didn't have time for pleasantries. "How many seconds left on the bomb?" Jouno asked. "Twenty nine." Akutagawa said. That was bad, but it was doable. Jouno could do that. He started to use the knife to saw through one of the wires. "Are you sure this will work?" Akutagawa asked. "Yes." Maya said weakly. "Jouno, do it!" Jouno didn't have to be told twice, especially not by the world's greatest detective. He cut the wire.
For a few seconds, nobody moved. Finally, Jouno took a deep breath of relief. He'd managed to deactivate the bomb in time. "Ah, well Jouno." Dazai's voice said through Akutagawa's phone. "You certainly are a worthy adversary." The phone set off with a click. Before Jouno could say that he was a member of the hunting dogs, not the agency, and that he wasn't going to be Dazai's nemesis, Akutagawa reached forwards and hugged Jouno. "Thank you." He said softly. Jouno just sat there, completely confused, and totally annoyed with the book. Akutagawa was hugging him. Dazai had it out for him. Ranpo was evil. Apparently, Chuuya was Fukuchi and Fukuzawa's kid. Maya worked for the agency. Jouno sighed, and buried his head in his hands. What the actual hell was his life?
*
Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, Nikolai was holding a small bag of candy. "For you, boss." He said shakily, and extended it towards the small figure who approached. Nikolai's boss was a scary individual. He was only two years older than Nikolai, but he was a very accomplished professional criminal. He was dressed mostly in black, and pulled off the helmet that covered his head, then shook out his spiky black hair.
"Ah, many thanks, Nikolai." Ranpo said brightly, and gave Nikolai a small pat on the head. "Of all the decay of angels, you're definitely my favorite." That was reassuring, at least somewhat. It meant Ranpo wasn't likely to kill Nikolai today. Ranpo walked forwards, and sat down at his desk. He crossed his legs on the desktop, and started eating his candy. Nikolai watched in confusion as Ranpo pulled up a file of security footage from the train attack. It showed Jouno talking Akutagawa out of fighting him, and the dramatic destruction of the bomb.
Ranpo threw back his head and laughed, startling Nikolai. "Wonderful, wonderful." Ranpo said maniacally. He sat up, and started running his hands through his hair. "Keep on doing that, Jouno." Ranpo roared. "Keep on following the arc of the main season." Sometimes Ranpo said things like that, and Nikolai never understood what they meant. He was too scared of his boss to ask Ranpo what he was talking about. "Keep on going, Jouno!" Ranpo screamed. "Keep on following the plot of the anime, all until I can get my hands on the book! " Ranpo was yelling at the top of his lungs, screeching like a chicken with its head cut off. There was a desperation to what he was saying, even if Nikolai didn't understand the meaning of the words. He understood Ranpo's fury, and Nikolai knew that his boss would do whatever it took to get what he wanted. "Keep living your perfect, stolen reality until I CAN GET MY LIFE BACK!" Ranpo's ominous screams echoed through the room, and faded into the night.