I buried my nose into my wife's hair. "Sobra kitang na-miss..." I whispered.
I heard her sharp intake of breath and I realized that her shoulders were shaking.
"Green, what's wrong?" I asked as I peered into her face. "Bakit ka umiiyak?"
"Wala..." she replied in a soft voice. "I just miss you so much...kahit inis na inis na ako sa'yo, kahit ang sama-sama ng loob ko sa'yo, kahit ang sakit-sakit ng dibdib ko, bwisit na-mi-miss pa rin kita..." she added sobbing.
I threw a leg over her hip and she rolled into my embrace.
"Sorry na..." I said holding her flush against me. "Sorry na, please..."
"Gusto kitang hiwalayan, alam mo ba? Naiinis ako sa'yo. Naiinis ako kasi may isang taong binigyan ko ng karapatang saktan ako nang ganito..."
"Hindi ko naman sinasadya, eh."
"'Yun nga ang nakakaloko d'un, Red, eh, kailan mo ba sinabing sinadya mong saktan ako? It's always hindi ko sinasadya with you. Pero, kahit naman hindi mo sadya, masakit pa rin. At alam mo namang masasaktan ako, pero, parating hindi ko naman sinasadya na lang 'yang bukambibig mo."
"Tell me what I should do to make it up to you...?"
"Bigyan mo akong halaga..." she emotionally said. "Ano ba naman 'yung bigyan mo ako ng kahit kaunting importansya? Hindi ko na nga hinihingi na gawin mo akong priority, eh. Hindi ko hinihingi sa'yo na sa akin lang umikot ang mundo mo because I am willing to share you with the world, Red. Pero, iparamdam mo naman sa akin that my feelings matter, that I matter."
"You do. And you don't even have to share me with the world, pwede mo akong ipagdamot..."
To hear my wife say that she just wanted to feel that she mattered to me made me feel like a complete failure as her husband.
"Lalabs, sorry hindi ko sinasadya...sorry, kasi hindi ko napansin na napabayaan kita because I was always certain that you'd just be where I left you – na kahit anong mangyari ay maghihintay ka sa akin. Sorry because I took you granted."
I sniffed. "I am ashamed that you had to spell it out for me. Dapat naramdaman kong hindi ka na masaya. But you were right, I was selfish. Hindi kita tinanong kung okay pa ba sa'yo 'yung buhay na ibinibigay ko sa'yo..."
"Hey, are you crying?" she asked as her arms went around my neck. "Lalabs..."
"Alam kong kasalanan ko. Alam kong ako 'yung may pagkukulang. Pero, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang susunod na gagawin. Green, my life is a mess..."
"How is it a mess? You're running for honors, you're the head of one of UP Diliman's prestigious fraternities, you have the world at your feet."
"But I am failing my wife and she's the one who keeps me together. Without her I am nothing but a mess..."
"The make-up sex is going to be so hot tonight..." she commented out of nowhere.
Her words had me confused for a moment until she laughed.
"Lalabs naman, eh. You're not taking me seriously. I am being sincere here..." I protested.
"I know you are...kaya nga I can't wait for the make-up sex..." she replied laughing again before she sighed. "Ayokong umiiyak ka."
"Pinaiyak mo kaya ako n'ung nakaraan..."
"Siyempre nasa gitna tayo ng pag-aaway n'un at kahit siguro lumangoy ka pa sa sarili mong luha n'ung panahon 'yun ay wala akong pake. But when we're not arguing like this, I hate seeing you cry kahit na sobrang lakas makaganda 'yung mga luha mo."
"Maganda ka naman talaga. Ikaw ang nag-iisang pinakamagandang babae sa buhay ko..."
"Talaga naman...dapat inaaway ka rin paminsan-minsan, eh, kasi gumagaling kang mambola."
"Lalabs, ayoko na ng away, please. Ayokong hindi tayo okay. Ayokong hindi tayo bati. Alam kong pagod ka na sa akin at hindi kita masisisi – you are at the peak of your youth yet here you are wasting your time being the wife of a loser."
"Hindi ka loser, ano ba naman..."
"I am. You have no idea how tired I am. Maraming pagkakataong gusto ko na lang umuwi at matulog. Pero, alam kong may mga responsibilidad ako. Ayoko na bilang bagong miyembro ng pamilya mo ay idadamay ko pa sina Daddy at ang mga Kuya kapag pumalpak ako bilang LC. Kaya, kinakaya ko kasi kailangan, kasi alam kong pag-uwi ko ng bahay ay madadatnan kita d'un. 'Tapos pati 'yun, pati ikaw mawawala sa akin..."
My wife leaned forward to kiss me on the lips.
"Sorry, kasi mali-mali ako ng diskarte...bobo kasi 'tong asawa mo..." I murmured.
"Redley, stop that. Hindi ka bobo. Papatol ba naman ako sa bobo?"
"Pasensya ka na sa mga pagkukulang ko. Pasensya ka na kasi ito lang ang kaya ko..."
"Teka nga, ako ang masama ang loob sa ating dalawa, ha, kaya ako umuwi rito sa Cebu. Bakit parang ako na ang kailangang manuyo ngayon? Besides, stop putting yourself down – hindi ka bobo, hindi mali-mali ang diskarte mo, at walang kulang sa'yo, okay? In fact sobra ka, sobra kang responsable naloloka na ako."
"Lalabs, patawarin mo na ako, please..."
"Sa lagay na ito hindi mo pa talaga alam na pinapatawad na kita? Eh, anong ginagawa ng mga kamay mo sa loob na ng t-shirt ko? Ano sila, emissaries?"
"Na-miss kita..."
"I can feel how hard you miss me...but we're not done talking yet. Gusto ko lang malaman mo kung anong nararamdaman ko at kung bakit ako nagtampo. I do not want you to think na nagdadrama lang ako o kaya ay kulang lang ako sa pansin. I was truly hurt, Red, and I want you to acknowledge that you've hurt me."
"I already said sorry..."
"But you do not know what you're saying sorry for. Nag-sorry ka lang para tapos na ang usapan. At gan'yan tayo parati – magagalit ako, 'tapos mag-so-sorry ka, 'tapos mauulit lang nang mauulit. So, please hear me out..."
"Okay..."
I took my hands from under her shirt. "Okay, I'm all ears..."
"I have insecurities, Red. Insecure ako because I am not even sure how to be a wife. Kung feeling mo may pagkukulang ka, lalo na ako. Hell, when you married me, I didn't even know how cook."
"Hindi ko hinihingi na dapat ay marunong kang magluto."
"Oo, alam ko, but as your wife, gusto ko namang napapakain kita. Na tuwing nagugutom ka ay hindi lang itong katawan ko ang kaya kong ihain sa'yo."
"'Yan tayo, eh, 'yung sasabihin mong mag-uusap lang pero may kasama palang pang-se-seduce."
"Hindi pa ako nag-i-effort n'yan," she playfully replied. "Paano na lang kung bigla akong maghubad dito?"
"Mrs. Yu, stop saying things like that o baka hindi na naman natin matapos itong usapang 'to."
"O, sige na, mag-bi-behave na ako."
I cupped her face with my hand. "I do not want you to try so hard to fit the bill of the perfect wife because whatever kind of wife you are, that's what's perfect for me. Ayokong baguhin mo ang sarili mo para sa akin..."
"Hindi ko binabago but I am willing to make allowances to make this work. Kaya kong mag-aral magluto, maglaba, mamalantsa if those things will make life easier for you..."
"But, if it makes life more difficult for you, para saan? Masaya ako basta masaya ka. Gan'un lang ako kababaw. I don't want you to develop insecurities because you think you don't cook well, you don't make the house clean enough, you can't flawlessly iron a shirt. Minahal kita knowing na wala kang alam na trabaho sa bahay—"
"Sobra ka naman, may alam naman na ako ngayon. Grabe s'ya..." She huffed.
"Alam kong marunong ka na ng mga gawaing bahay ngayon at sobra akong nagpapasalamat kasi kahit hindi ko sinabi ay pinilit mong matuto, pero, ayokong maging source ng insecurity mo 'yung mga 'yun."
"Do you know what my biggest insecurity is?" she asked. "It's the idea that I do not deserve to be your wife."
"What? Why would you think that?"
"Kasi pakiramdam ko, ang bata mo pa para mag-asawa. Looking at how you are enjoying your time with your brods made me realize that I cut your enjoyment short. Eh, 'di, sana nagagawa mo lahat ng gusto mo. Eh, 'di, sana walang naiinis sa'yo kapag late ka nang nakakauwi. Eh, 'di, sana kahit makipag-inuman ka nang magdamagan ay okay lang kung wala ka pang asawa ngayon."
"Lalabs..."
"Insecure ako because I know that you deserve to enjoy your life, Red. I know you deserve to have fun pero 'eto ka kasal sa akin."
"Is that how you feel, na itinali kita nang maaga?"
She frowned at me.
"Because those work both ways. Lahat ng sinabi mo. Eh, 'di, sana kung dalaga ka pa, you get to enjoy your life, too – sana wala kang asawang iisipin dahil late s'yang nakakauwi. Eh, 'di, sana wala kang asawang kakabuwisitan dahil kasama na naman n'ya 'yung mga brods n'ya. Eh, 'di, sana wala kang stress..."
"No..."
"Is that the reason why you're unhappy because you'd rather be single and free from me?" I queried.
"Of course not."
"Lahat ng sinabi mo, gan'un din ang insecurities ko, Lalabs. Na ang aga kitang itinali, na ang aga kitang ikinulong sa akin when in fact you should be enjoying your life."
"I don't have thoughts like those, Redley."
"'Yung totoo...?"
"I am telling the truth. I love being your wife. I love worrying about you. I love waking up in bed next to you. I even love nagging you."
"And I feel the same way. I love being your husband. I love waking up every morning beside you. I love going home to you. I love that you worry endlessly about me. I love you, Green. Mahal na mahal kita. Wala akong pinagsisisihan at kahit kailan ay hinding-hindi ako magsisisi na pinili ko ang buhay na kasama ka. Sorry kasi pinikot kita. Sorry kasi alam kong had you had an option, pipiliin mong h'wag magpakasal noon."
"Aaminin ko, oo. I would have chosen a different path. Ayoko noong mag-asawa nang maaga. But I know how boring my life would have been had you not become a part of it."
"Gan'un natin kamahal ang isa't isa? Pero, bakit tayo nag-aaway?"
"Tukmol ka kasi."
"Sorry na nga, Lalabs, eh..."
"H'wag mong alisin sa akin ang karapatang mag-alala sa'yo. H'wag mong tanggalin sa akin ang karapatang maging asawa mo. Gaano man kaliit o kalaki ang isang bagay, gusto kong sinasabi mo sa akin. Kahit feeling mo mag-aaway tayo dahil sa bagay na 'yun, I would still want to know."
"Okay...sorry ulit, Lalabs..."
"Gusto ko na h'wag mong abusuhin 'yung salitang sorry kasi ayokong dumating ang panahon na wala nang halaga ang salitang 'yun. I want you to only say sorry when you mean it and not to stop a fight or prevent an argument from happening. Kasi, Red, normal lang naman sa mag-asawa ang mag-away, eh. Normal lang ang nagkakatampuhan, pero, alam mo kung anong masakit? 'Yung pakiramdam na walang halaga na 'yung feelings mo kasi kaya namang tapusin 'yung sama ng loob ng salitang sorry. A hurt does not end with a mere sorry..."
"I know now."
"O, malinaw na 'yan, ha. Alam mo na kung bakit sumama nang todo ang loob ko sa'yo kagabi."
"Yes, because I made you feel as if you do not matter by not giving you a heads up that I was in some kind of a bind."
"And by brushing off my pain by saying sorry without even hearing my side of the story."
"Opo."
"I want us to work, Lalabs. I want us to have an enduring marriage because I really am happy with my life with you."
"I feel that way, too, Mrs. Yu. Pero, sana walang layasan sa susunod. Please, magwala ka na lang sa bahay kaysa ganito na mabaliw-baliw na ako sa kahahanap sa'yo."
"Mas mahal bumili ng mga bagong appliances kaysa bumili ng ticket papuntang Cebu kaya..."
"Lalabs naman, h'wag ka namang magbasag ng mga appliances. Magbasag ka lang ng mga pinggan, at least 'yun maraming nabibili sa Divisoria o kahit sa palengke. H'wag naman 'yung T.V. natin, 'yung home theater, o kaya ay 'yung XBox."
My wife laughed out loud. "So ang ibig mong sabihin ay kailangang piliin ko kung alin ang itatapon ko? Parang, teka, mamahalin ito, dapat h'wag basagin, gan'un?"
"Parang gan'un."
"Kuripot mo talaga..."
"Praktikal lang. Besides, kailangan nating mag-ipon. Hindi naman pwedeng habambuhay tayong manghihingi ng allowance sa pamilya natin. Nahihiya nga ako, eh, na hanggang ngayon ay sinusuportahan pa rin tayo financially ng mga pamilya natin. Gusto ko nang tumayo sa sarili kong mga paa."
"Kaso, Lalabs, iba ang tumatayo sa'yo, eh..." she teasingly said. "May tumatayo naman parati kaso ibang parte lang."
"Mrs. Yu, you're living up to your name, masyado ka nang Green," I replied chuckling until I felt her soft hand inside my boxer shorts. "Shit..."
"O, bakit ka nagmumura..."
"Sino ba namang hindi mapapamura d'yan sa ginagawa mo...? I groaned. "But, is it okay..."
"What...?" she asked as her hand moved languidly along my length.
"Is it okay...if...if...we do it...here...?"
"Sa office ni Dad...?" she asked.
I nodded.
"Hm...feels weird..." she answered. "Tama na. Sige, h'wag na, matulog na tayo," she added unceremoniously withdrawing her hand from inside my shorts.
She kissed me on the cheek. "Goodnight..."
"Mrs. Yu!" I protested with a whimper getting off the sofa bed and gently pulling her with me. "'Lika na..."
"Saan tayo punta?" she innocently asked.
I led her out of her Dad's office.
"Kuwarto..."
"Ayaw mo sa kusina para maiba naman?"
"Ibang putahe ang gusto ko kaya kuwarto," I replied lifting her off the floor then carrying her to our bedroom.