CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
"Alyzza," he said, his gaze piercing mine with bloodshot eyes.
The truth stared back at me, stark and undeniable. One of my worst fears was unfolding right before my eyes, and I felt a chill run down my spine as nervousness and fear gripped me.
"D-Dion. . . Let's go?" I interjected hastily.
"Yes, Mom!" Dion chimed in eagerly, oblivious to the tension between us.
Turning to Kerson, I saw signs of his anger barely contained beneath the surface. His ears and nose were turning red, a clear indication of his struggle to keep his composure. I bit my lower lip, realizing how hard it was for him.
"Alyzza—" he began, but I cut him off before he could say more.
"H'wag ngayon, Kerson," kinakabahan kong sabi. "Araw niya ngayon. Ayoko masira ang araw niya."
He let out a heavy sigh, "I'm going with him,"
Sasama siya? May balak na siyang kunin sa akin? Iuwi niya na ba sa U.K?
"H'wag na. Baka hinihintay ka ni Rhian," mabilis kong tugon.
"No one is waiting for me, and if there is, I don't care," he replied firmly. "Nothing else is important to me, but you and Dion are more important."
Hindi ako sumagot sa kaniya, baka maging kumplikado pa ang usapan. Hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin humihina ang kabog sa puso ko. Hindi ko maalis sa isip ko ang takot na nararamdaman ko.
Kasalanan ko naman, e. Kasalanan ko kung bakit patuloy kong itinatago ang totoo sa kanila. Lahat ito ay dahil sa akin, kaya unti-unti nang lumalayo ang anak ko sa kaniya. Ang kinatatakutan ko ngayon, kapag nalaman na ni Kerson ang totoo, baka kunin niya sa akin ang anak ko.
Pero hindi ko hahayaang mangyari 'yon — lalaban ako para sa anak ko.
We stood in front of Skyranch at SM Pampanga, surrounded by a plethora of rides and games to choose from. The towering ferris wheel caught my eye, one of the largest in the area.
"Baby boy, which ride do you want to try first?" I asked my son.
He looked around, overwhelmed by the options, "I want to ride the spinning horse!"
"What? Spinning horse? Where is that?" I inquired, trying to follow his gaze.
He pointed eagerly, leading my eyes to the carousel ride. I couldn't suppress my laughter at his innocent mistake, joining by a soft chuckle from Kerson.
"Big boy, that's the carousel ride," Kerson explained gently. "Would you like to ride it?"
"Yes Tito, please!" Dion gigled.
"And what about you, Aly?" Kerson teased, flashing me a smirk. "Would you like to ride on top of me?"
I rolled my eyes playfully. "Gago, umayos ka!'
"Alright!" I replied with a wink. "Shall we?"
"Wait, Mommy?" Dion's voice interrupted.
I turned to him, curious about his sudden hesitation, still holding his hand.
"Uhm. . . will Tito join us on the carousel ride?" he asked, his question sending a shiver of fear down my spine I knew deep down that at any moment, Kerson might take my son away.
"Of course," I smiled weakly.
A while back, we hopped on the horse carousel ride, and it was a simple joy that made my son's face light up with happiness. Seeing his big smile under the carousel lights reminded me how much happiness can be found in the little things of childhood. Dion, my energetic four-year-old, has a captivating look that catches everyone's eye.
His sweet face has a tiny freckled nose and rosy lips that always seem to be smiling, showing off his shiny little teeth when he giggles. His chubby cheeks look like ripe peaches, begging for cuddles from anyone who sees him. But it's his eyes that steal the show – big and curious, like a deer's, with long lashes that flutter like delicate butterfly wings. His messy dark hair bounces as he walks, adding to his adorable charm. And dressed in his explorer outfit with a tiny explorer hat, Dion is ready for adventure, eager to explore the world with all his heart.
"Mommy, look!" Dion's voice bubbled with excitement as he pointed to the majestic horse he was riding on.
"Hold on tight there, big boy adventurer," Kerson advised Dion before turning his attention to me.
"Can we talk later, Aly? I need to know about him. Don't keep everything hidden from me."
Malinaw na kita sa mga mata ng anak ko ang kasiyahan na nadarama. Ang kan'yang ngiti ay totoo at walang halong pagpapanggap. Tunay na tuwang-tuwa siya sa paglilibot.
Hindi ako makasagot. Ang aking dibdib ay napupuno ng pagnanais na magpaliwanag ngunit ang aking damdamin ay puno ng pagkukulang. Nasasaktan ako para sa aking anak ko. Nasasaktan ako dahil sa aking mga nagawang pagkakamali.
Nang bigla na lamang huminto ang pag-ikot ng kabayo sa carousel ride. Agad kong nilapitan si Dion at kinuha ang kan'yang bag. Dali-dali kong siyang binuhat at nagmadaling lumisan sa lugar na iyon. Ilang beses ko na rin tine-text si Kenzo upang sunduin kami.
"Mommy. Mommy, what's wrong?" Dion asked worriedly.
I turned to face Dion, forcing a smile to reassure him, "It's okay, baby. Mommy's just thinking about something, but everything's fine."
I reached out to gently ruffle his hair, hoping to convey a sense of calmness even as my own emotions threatened to overwhelm me.
As Kerson's voice rang out behind us, pleading for me to wait, I quickened my pace, a desperate prayer echoing in my mind that he wouldn't catch up to us.
"Did you and Tito fight?" Dion's innocent question interrupted my thoughts.
"No, baby boy. Mommy just needs to take care of something at home, okay?" I assured him, forcing a smile.
Exiting the Skyranch and heading towards the entrance, I felt a hand reach for my waist, halting my steps.
"A-Aly, please, don't walk away from me. . . again," Kerson's voice quivered, tears welling up in his eyes. "I'm really scared. . . I'm scared you'll leave me again. I-I don't want to lose you."
"I-I'm sorry, Kerson," I responded weakly. "But—I'm scared too."
Suddenly, Dion wriggled out of my arms and dashed towards Kerson place. My heart clenched as I watched him confront Kerson, his small fists pummeling Kerson's chest in a fit of anger.
"You're bad person, Tito! You hurt my Mommy! I hate you!" Dion's voice trembled as he continued to punching Kerson. "You're making Mommy cry! I hope you're not my daddy! Bad-bad ka po!"
Tears welled up in my eyes at Dion's words, catching me off guard with their raw honesty. Silently wiping away my tears, I realized the depth of Dion's love and loyalty, even in the face of confusion and heartache.
Dion, siya ang tatay mo.
"Dion Stephen, stop!" pagbabawal ko.
Dion's eyes widened in surprise at the sharpness of my tone, his expression shifting to one of distress. Kneeling down in front of him, I reached out to gently grasp his arms, my touch a contrast to my earlier outburst.
"What's going on, Dion Stephen?" I asked, trying to steady my voice. "Why did you do that?"
Dion looked down, his lower lip trembling slightly. "I. . . I'm sorry, Mommy. I-I just got angry."
"I know you're upset, Dion, but we don't solve problems by hurting others," I reminded him gently. "Remember, what we talked about? Bakit ka nagkakaganiyan?"
Dion nodded silently, his gaze still fixed on the ground.
"No. . . not at all po," Dion stammered, his voice trembling.
"Why are you hurting him?" I pressed, my concern evident in my tone.
Dio met my gaze, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. With a sniffle, he replied, "Because he hurt you. You know what, Mommy, I hate it when people hurt you. I don't want them to hurt you. I don't want to hear you cry every night. I don't want to see you in pain because of others. . ."
Dion's cheeks were wet with tears, which he wiped away quickly with his sleeve. I took off his cap, revealing his damp hair. Looking at Kerson, who was still crouched nearby, I noticed tears in his eyes too.
"He didn't hurt me," I assured Dion.
My gaze returning to Kerson's, our eyes met, and I could see the pain reflected in his expression as well.
Mag-tatay nga sila!
"I hurt him, Dion," I confessed gently. "So, do you hate me now?"
"No, Mommy. Even if you're angry or hurt me, I could never hate you because you're my mommy. You're the best mommy in the whole universe!" Dion's voice softened.
"Come here. Let me give you a hug," I smiled at him. "Don't do that again to others, okay, baby boy?"
"Yes po."
I enveloped him in a tight hug, hoping to ease the pain he was feeling. I rubbed his back gently, trying to provide comfort.
"What are you going to say to him?" I asked after we pulled away from the hug.
He turned to face Kerson and spoke in a shy voice, "H-Hello, Tito. I'm sorry for hitting you. I thought you were hurting my mommy. I really am sorry, Tito. Please, forgive me. . ."
Kerson smiled warmly and affectionately pinched Dion's cheek. He then knelt down to Dion's eye level, gently holding both of Dion's cheeks before enveloping him in a tight hug.
"I-It's okay, big boy. I understand. Apology accepted," Kerson replied softly, tears glistening in his eyes.
Dion broke the hug, and Kerson turned to me, his gaze unreadable.
"Did you have fun today?" Kerson asked Dion with a smile.
"Yes po!" Dion giggled. "I wish Daddy was here too, so we could be even happier."
Kerson and I shared a glance, and I felt a pang of guilt, knowing that soon Kerson would ask questions about Dion's father. And when that happened, he would be taken from me, and my son would leave me.
It was all my fault for not telling the truth when the truth was within reach.
"What would you like to say to your Daddy if he were here today?" Kerson asked softly, his gaze still fixed on me.
Dion's expression turned somber. "I miss him so much. I would give him lots and lots of kisses and hugs! I wish he would come back to Mommy and me so we could be a happy family."
After a while, Kenzo arrived, visibly exhausted and sweating. He closed his eyes and let out a heavy sigh.
"Dion, go with your Dada for now, okay?" I said softly to Dion.
"Yes, Mom!" he giggled. "Hi, Dada, I missed you!"
"Hi, anak!" Kenzo greeted him with a smile.
"Fuck! That's my son not yours, bro!" Kerson whispered.
As Kenzo and Dion left, I prepared to walk away, but Kerson grabbed my hand firmly.
"We need to talk now," he said with a serious tone.
Tumalikod siya sa akin, at kitang-kita ko ang galit sa kan'yang mukha dahil sa nangyayari. Lalo na't tila'y nalaman na niya ang lihim na matagal ko nang itinatago.
Pinilit kong kontrolin ang sarili ko habang sinasamahan ko si Kerson sa paglakad. Ngunit hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin tumitigil ang pagtibok ng puso ko, na tila'y sumasabay sa pagtibok ng aking kamay na nanlalamig sa takot. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. Dito na ako, harap-harapan sa aking kinatatakutan. Ang luha ko ay pilit kong pinipigilan, ngunit ang pagkabagot at pagkalito ay hindi ko kayang pigilan.
"Aly, gusto ko malaman ang totoo," matigas na tono sabi ni Kerson pagkapasok na'min sa sasakyan niya ngayon.
""What's the truth—" I began, but he cut me off.
"Please, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!" he snapped.
I remained silent, overwhelmed by shame and regret for my mistakes. I felt like a coward for not facing the consequences of my actions.
"Is Dion my son? " he asked, his voice cracking.
I bit my lip hard, trying to hold back tears. Closing my eyes briefly, I took a moment to compose myself before meeting his gaze again. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I nodded slowly in response to his question.
"Aly, who is Dion's father?" he asaked repeatedly. "Say it, please. . ."
He froze, a tear escaping his eye. "Aly. . . please. I need to know,"
"Kerson, I. . . I was afraid— Afraid that if you found out, they'd take him away from me. . ." nanginginig nag boses ko.
I watched as he struggled with the words, hir hands trembling. The truth lingered on hir lips like a heavy secret, and I could sense him.
"Alyzza, please, just tell me. Don't leave me in the dark," he pleaded, his voice strained with pain.
Tumango muli ako sa kaniya, pinunasan ko ang aming luha sa baba "Tama ka. The father. . . it's you. You're. . . You're his father."
"Damn it!" He let out a pained groan and pounded his fist against the steering wheel in frustration.
Time stood still as his words echoed in my ears. I couldn't believe it, didn't want to believe it. A flood of emotions overwhelmed him – shock, confusion, and an unexpected warmth that came with the realization of being a father.
"Dion is. . . my son?" his voice shivering. "I. . . I didn't know,"
I nodded, tears streaming down his face. As I looked at Kerson, the pieces fell into place. He had my eyes, my smile.
"I know, Kerson. . . I was so scared to tell you. I didn't want to burden you. I thought it was best for you to pursue your dreams without the complications of fatherhood." hagulgol kong sabi.
"Explain yourself, Alyzza. Why did you lie for so long? You've been lying to me all this time?" pagalit niyang tanong.
"I-I was scared, and I didn't want to burden you. I thought I was doing what was best for you, for Dion. But I see now that I made a terrible mistake. . ." I sobbed.
Narinig ko ang mahinang mura ni Kerson at sinuntok muli niya ang manibela. "You robbed me of four years, Alyzza! You lied to me for four years! Four years of being a father to my own child!"
"Why? Why did you deny it when I asked before?!" Tumaas bigla ang kaniyang boses.
Yumuko ako sandali, biglang tumulo ang mga panibago kong luha
"I'm sorry if I raised my voice." mahinahon niya saad.
"It's fine, Zack. I was scared, and I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't want to trap you or take I didn't do it to hurt you. I thought I was protecting you from a life you didn't want. Kung hindi ko ginawa 'yon, nasaan ka ngayon?" Nanginginig kong boses na saad.
I heard his sarcastically laugh. "Protecting me? You took away! You took away my dream to have a family with you. . . my chance to be a father. You think this is right?! You think lying to me and denying me the chance to be a father is right? How is that protecting?!"
Inside the car, the atmosphere absorbed the echoes of their conversation, the pain palpable in every word exchanged. I struggled to find words that could bridge the widening gap.
"Four years. . . all lies," Kerson murmuring himself.
"I'm sorry. . . Natakot lang ako baka kapag nalaman mo ang totoo, kukunin mo na siya sa akin at ilalayo," My voice cracked. "Sinabi mo rin noon sa akin na, ayaw mong magkaanak. . . K-Kaya natakot ako baka hindi mo siya tanggapin. Ayoko masaktan ang anak ko dahil hindi mo siya matanggap. . ."
"How can I do that when you've always been the one I've wanted to be the mother of my kids since the beginning," he scolded me. "I've always included you in my dreams, but you keep to stay away from me."
I bowed down, tears streaming down my face, muffling my cries with my hand.
"I have dreams for us, but it seems you'd rather dream alone, without me by your side," his voice trembled with pain and frustration.
"I did that for you. . . I left you because that would make your dreams better, Kerson. Apat na taon ang nakalipas, pero hanggang ngayon, pakiramdam ko, naiwan pa rin ako sa nakaraan." I sobbed, my tears unabated.
"I see you in every dream I have, Alyzza. You're my ultimate dream. You're the one I long to share my life with, to build a family with. It's only you, Alyzza," he confessed amidst tears.
He'to na siguro ang karma ko. Ang sakit. Napakasakit ang araw na 'to!
"That's why I said I don't want to have children, because I know you're not ready to start our family at that time, as we were still figuring things out," he whispered. "I desire to walk with you down the aisle because you're the one I want to honor in front of God. But—"
Umiiling-iling lang ako, walang masabi dahil alam kong kasalanan ko lahat. Ako ang puno't dulo ng aking paghihirap at sakit ngayon. Pinagdamot ko ang katotohanan sa kanila na dapat sana ay hindi ko ipinagkait.
"But you're the one who keeps pulling me away, keeping your distance. Now, as the wedding draws near, I have to attend. I hope you'll be there too. " he murmured. " It would bring me some solace to see you, even amidst the pain of the melody we've composed together."
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