"I want to see him."
The words left Eddie's mouth before he even realised. Tears burnt at the edges of his eyes, but he swallowed hard, refusing to let them fall. He didn't feel real, didn't feel like any of this could be real, as if he had fallen asleep and was in some weird dream that he wasn't sure he wanted to wake up from.
Bobby placed a hand on Eddie's arm, meeting Eddie's gaze and nodding his head gently. "The doctors said he's sleeping right now, but I'm sure they'll let us see him."
The doctors didn't even try to tell them no. If it so much as crossed their minds, it must have disappeared with one look at Eddie who was barely hanging on. His entire body felt like it would collapse at any moment, and if he was honest, he wasn't sure how he was still standing. His legs almost gave way once they were inside the room, the sight of Buck weakening him. Buck...
"How?" Eddie asked, voice hoarse as he pushed himself forward, barely daring to believe it. He reached out a hand but stopped short of touching Buck, of tracing his fingertips over the familiar pattern of the tattoos and scars Eddie knew so well, scared that it would fade away, shatter beneath his need for contact.
"That's what we're going to find out," Bobby answered, hanging back slightly and allowing Eddie to be the one next to Buck. "The hospital spoke with Dr Trent and he's on his way. Hopefully we can get some answers from him."
The machines beeped, showing a steady heartbeat, and Eddie's gaze wandered over Buck, feeling his own breathing matching with the rise and fall of Buck's chest. It didn't last, broken sobs taking hold, all restraint falling away as he collapsed onto the edge of the bed, his hand finding Buck's and holding onto it, tighter than he had held onto anything ever before. Everything hit him at once, the realisation of what this meant, the hurt, the anger, the joy and pain, all the agony he had been feeling over the last nine months.
His chest ached and his head span, but amongst it all, there was Buck. His Buck. And in that moment, Eddie didn't care about anything else.
He stayed there, with Buck, until there was a knock at the door and a young nurse entered, accompanying an older man who must have been Dr Trent. When he suggested they talk in a separate room, Eddie felt his heart clench at the idea of leaving Buck, but reluctantly he followed when Bobby laid a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
There was a lot to take in, and so much of it led to more questions. Buck had been found on a riverbank, with a gunshot wound, and no memory, and Eddie listened as Dr Trent recounted what he knew of Buck and his whereabouts. He listened as Dr Trent told them about how they were keeping up with regular therapy sessions and how physically, Buck was fine. Or at least, as fine as someone could be after all the physical damage he had been dealt over the years.
"My belief is that the memory loss is trauma related," Dr Trent continued. "There is something there, buried deep, preventing him from accessing his memories."
"How do we help him?" Bobby asked, gentle and cautious, taking the lead, which Eddie was grateful for.
"We start off slow. We have to be careful not to overwhelm him. Too much information too soon could have an adverse effect."
"What does that mean?" Eddie asked, though he already suspected and feared the answer.
"If we push him, we risk his mind essentially burying the memories deeper. Until we know what has caused the trauma, we won't know what could trigger him to get worse." Dr Trent looked between them, his eyes sad but imploring. "Introduce him to his life one step at a time. Allow him to get settled and don't put pressure on him to remember things – give him the chance to remember on his own, allow him to make up his own mind."
"Pressure..." Eddie repeated, feeling his chest hollow out. Buck didn't remember anything according to the man in front of him. Not himself, not his life as a firefighter, not Eddie or Chris, which meant... Buck wouldn't remember loving Eddie. "What about people... relationships?"
"Again, I suggest patience. Take it a step at a time. There is no reason to isolate him, but you also don't want to overwhelm him."
"But the people important to him," Bobby started, sparing a quick glance toward Eddie that told Eddie he knew exactly what was going through Eddie's mind, "they can-"
"Allow him to make up his own mind," Eddie interrupted, repeating Dr Trent's words once more, each one feeling like a razor blade in his throat, digging deep and carving out a broken man.
"Eddie," Bobby tried, and his voice was gentle.
But Eddie ignored him and looked to Dr Trent. "Will he remember? Eventually...?"
"I won't lie to you," Dr Trent answered, "there is always the possibility that this is will be permanent for him. Each case is different."
"But with the right support," Bobby continued, "we can help him through, right?"
"Worst case scenario," the doctor said with a sombre look to his face, "you can help him adjust to his new life, help his carve out a new path."
Eddie gripped at the back of a nearby chair, trying to focus on his breathing. Whatever the doctor and Bobby said next washed over him in a blur, white noise amongst the spinning of his head, the room feeling distant. Losing Buck had been agony. He wasn't even sure how he had made it through each day. So, he should have been happy. He should have been overjoyed and celebrating Buck being there and being alive.
But then, why did it hurt so much?
Guilt churned at his stomach, and he tried to swallow the anger bubbling up his throat. Anger at the doctor in front of him, anger at Buck for leaving him in the first place, and anger at himself for everything he was feeling right now.
Buck was right there, in the other room, so close, and yet Eddie felt as though he was being torn away all over again. How was he supposed to look into those blue eyes and tell Buck everything they meant to each other, knowing that it could push Buck further away from him? From all of them? How was he meant to tell the man that he loved him, knowing Buck didn't even recognise him? Knowing that it would feel like a dagger to the chest when Buck would inevitably reject him? After all, to the Buck in the other room, they were nothing more than strangers.
And Chris...
Eddie could handle the hurt. At least, that was what he tried to convince himself. But Christopher?
Eventually the doctor left the room, allowing Eddie and Bobby time to themselves to process everything they had been told. Eddie didn't even know where they were supposed to start.
"Eddie," Bobby started, drawing Eddie's attention toward the older man. "We're going to get through this, okay? We're going to get Buck through this."
"How do I tell him, Bobby? How do I tell him about us without... It feels like I'd be taking advantage of him."
"He loves you."
"Right now, he doesn't even know who I am." Eddie's chest tightened once more. "What if it's too much for him? What if me, Chris, everything... what if it's too much for him to take?"
And maybe Eddie was being selfish. Maybe he was trying to protect himself too. Maybe he was scared that telling Buck would lead to him losing Buck all over again?
"There's a spare room at mine and Athena's," Bobby answered. "He can stay with us for now."
Eddie nodded, hating the way he felt as if he was betraying Buck and hating the way he was definitely betraying his own heart. "I should call Maddie... she needs to know."
She was there within the hour and they filled her in before Buck woke. She didn't agree with Eddie, but she didn't argue either, at least not in front of Bobby. When Buck woke and they were allowed to see him again, she was the one to notice Eddie had slipped out of the room. She caught up with him by the automatic doors, gripping his arm and bringing him to a halt, her eyes damp with tears.
"You should tell him," she said. "He needs you and you need him."
"He needs to recover." Eddie could barely meet her gaze.
And that was what he kept telling himself.
When he sat Chris down and told him everything, when he woke up every morning reaching for the empty spot in his bed, when he took a bag of clothes into the firehouse for Bobby to pass onto Buck, he continually told himself it was for Buck's own good.
It had absolutely nothing at all to do with the fear and anxiety that gripped at Eddie's heart. It had nothing to do with the voice in the back of his mind that mocked him and taunted him, telling him that the only reason Buck ever loved him was because of their shared trauma. The only reason he had become a permanent fixture in Buck's life was because of the memories they had created together.
And without all of that... how could Buck ever love a broken mess like Eddie?
-.-.-.-.-
He never expected to be waking up in hospital again, but this time it was different than before. This time he had a name. The doctors and nurses called him Mr Buckley, and when Dr Trent appeared, he looked hopeful.
"Evan Buckley," he announced, clapping his hands together.
But he frowned. It felt true, but incomplete, and his mind flashed to the firefighter with the dark eyes that he could easily find himself lost in. Buck. He had called him Buck. It had caused a skitter in his chest when he heard it, that he was almost positive had absolutely nothing to do with the way the firefighter had looked at him. Diaz... that was what the back of his coat had read. Diaz, with the dark eyes and lightly stubbled jawline and hair that had been stuck to his brow from the heat and sweat.
"And you have visitors," Dr Trent continued, pulling Buck's thoughts away from the firefighter that had rescued him, that had given him a name he now clung to.
He blinked and looked up at Dr Trent, watching as he moved toward the doorway to beckon the visitors inside. He tried to swallow his disappointment that Diaz wasn't one of them, until he pushed into the room at the last moment, meeting Buck's eyes briefly before his gaze fell to the floor. With him were two others, a taller man with sandy hair that was turning silver at the sides, and a woman with dark hair flowing past her shoulders, looking very much like she was trying to hold herself back.
There was a warmth about them that had him calming immediately, feeling safe and found. They were family, and he found himself knowing that before they even uttered a word. So, when they told him they were going to take him home, he believed it. He listened to them talk, introducing themselves, unable to keep the smile from his face, unable to tear his eyes away, until he noticed the figure at the back slipping out of the room and out into the hallway beyond.
Diaz...
He wasn't even aware his face had fallen or his gaze had become lost until Maddie, as she called herself, fell silent, watching him with a sadness in her eyes. Her gaze followed his toward the empty doorway and her shoulders fell.
"I'll be right back," she said, squeezing his leg in comfort, leaving him alone in the room with Bobby.
With his height and the way he held himself, Bobby should have been intimidating, but there was something in his eyes and smile that was soft and gentle.
"So, I'm a firefighter?" Buck asked, attempting to distract himself.
Bobby let go of a short snort of laughter and nodded his head. "Yeah, and a damn good one at that."
"I like that."
But apparently, he wasn't allowed to join the team again just yet. Dr Trent insisted he take things slow and then there was the little matter of his memory. He would have to pass the tests again if he wanted to return to being a firefighter, in order to prove he was still capable. Which meant that, for now at least, he was left with far too much free time and not a whole lot to do with it.
Still, he settled easily into the spare room that Bobby offered to him, and his wife was just as welcoming as he was. Buck had to force himself to slow his eating when they sat down to dinner on the first night, apologising around a mouthful of chicken that was seasoned with... what was that? Some kind of spice that he was sure he recognised but couldn't quite name.
"Please, you don't need to apologise for enjoying your food," Athena told him, holding her glass of wine with one hand as her other sat on top of Bobby's, fingers intertwined.
"I haven't had anything this good in..." But Buck paused, a sheepish smile playing across his lips as he ducked his head a little, feeling the heat rising up neck and out across his cheeks. "Well, I can't remember."
"There's plenty more where that came from," Bobby answered, beaming, though Buck couldn't help but notice neither of them had touched much from their own plates.
Truth be told, he was very much aware of the way they watched him, cautious almost. It was different from the pitying looks he had received when he first woke up in the hospital all those months ago. But he couldn't deny, as he sat there, very much enjoying the food and the company, why it had taken pure chance for him to find them?
He swallowed the food in his mouth and set his knife and fork down on his plate, fiddling a moment with a napkin. "There is something I've been thinking about..."
"I've told you," Bobby said, "once we know you're ready, your position on the team is waiting for you."
Buck shook his head, clearing his throat a little. "I err... actually... I..."
"Yes?" Athena prompted as he struggled with his words.
He met her eyes, his face solemn. "Why did no one come looking for me?"
"Oh, Buck," Athena said, her shoulders falling as she reached out across the table to grip his hand lightly. "If we had known, we would have been by your side so fast, and I promise you, I will not rest until I find out why this happened."
"No one knew I was missing..." Buck hadn't meant to say it out loud, and he certainly hadn't meant to sound so broken.
It was another moment before anyone spoke, a breath of silence as the words hung in the air. It was Bobby who finally started speaking, and he sounded so heartbroken.
"We buried you," he said, "or what we thought was you. There was an accident and... the body couldn't be identified officially. Even the DNA came back inconclusive. But it was your Jeep, your watch, your wallet. Believe me when I say, you have no idea how absolutely overjoyed we are that we were wrong, that's you're alive and here. Not a day went by that we didn't think of you. All of us."
"All?"
"Your family, Buck." Bobby smiled, soft like his eyes. "And they can't wait to have you back in their lives again."
-.-.-.-
More soon...