Sleeping had felt like the best decision I could have made yesterday. maybe that would be my new way to just deal with all the feelings. I felt so much lighter than yesterday. The thought of having to deal with everyone's speech today about my behaviour yesterday did feel like a nightmare. But, I will just make a plan of avoidance. If I have mastered one thing, It would be to avoid dreadfull conversations. To my surprise, I was the first one up. All the boys were still sound a sleep. I got myself ready to head downstairs, if the boys aren't awake yet I maybe could go for a smoke.
"Aah, someone is still alive I see" Marlene was lying on the couch in the common room, book in hand. Clearly relaxed and ready for the day to come.
"I knew you missed me" I walked towards the couch. She laid with her head on the armrest, legs towards the other end. I knelt behind the armrest. "Pride and prejudice, so pretentious"
She turned her head up to look at me. "Okay grumpy, what is a good book according to you than" She challenged me. "Didn't see myself as a reader" I straightened up.
"No, more for a smoker I assume" Mischief gleamed in her eyes. How does she always know.
I put the sigaret in between my lips, no need to act anymore anyways.
"Do you have a problem with that?" She chuckled, closed her book and leaned down to her backpack. "No, I noticed you wouldn't stop with your new habit anytime soon" She threw me a new pack. Surprised I got the sigarets. "You got me more?"
"Yeah, of course, they help you relax abit" She stated with zero judgement. I walked out of the common room towards Hagrid hut. Fangs already heard me coming and ran my way.
I smoked my sigaret while fangs joined me on my walk, I could get used to this. It is that I love my owl otherwise I would have gotten myself a dog.
The common room was busy for breakfast once I came in. The boys were at our ussual spot, I got seated in my spot next to James.
"You okay?" He asked, his head half turned my way.
"Of course" The answer was good enough to my surprise, as he went back to his breakfast.
"I can't believe this" Remus exclaimed, news paper in his hand. Another muggle attack, and the minster still denies the pattern. Peter immediately went to look at the news paper with Remus.
Would that be it? No speech from them? I was confused, not in a bad way. I rather have them not judge me, but I would also as their friend tell them when they were acting stupid. Maybe they didn't know, maybe Lilly hadn't told them I had punched Snivellus. Where was he anyways?
I scanned the slytherin table. Snivellus was no where to be seen, regulus was there. Sitting with his friends. He was quiet, not that he was a loud person. He wasn't like me in that sense. Him and his friends were also looking at the news paper. Why weren't they as shocked as Remus?
"Can I see the paper?" Remus looked up. "You never read the paper" He stated while handing it to me. I quickly scanned, James looked at me and than the paper as well. The attack wasn't on just muggles, it was on a family. A half blood family...
The kallens, I knew that name. My parents would always talk about that Kallen boy. What was his name.... they used to be pure bloods but than they mingled with muggles. Mom would always use them as example, that would happen when you marry a lower born she would say. Of course she meant that the Kallens had so much muggle blood in their family now that not every Kallen was a wizard anymore. As if that actually mattered to them, not being a wizard didnt mean end of life. Atleast not to them... It is not even like they are poor muggles.
And now, that whole family, just gone...
The school was divided, I felt it after the paper was read this morning. You had 3 groups, you always had 3 groups. Most people were in group number 1, they read it and went on with their day. Why wouldn't you if it didn't effect you immediately. Most hufflepuffs and ravenclaws did so, it made sense, they didn't even know the Kallens. Not like they didn't find it sad. I had heard Elizabeth and Penelope talk about the loss it must have been for their relatives. Group 2 consited mostly out of Gryffindors. The Kallens for their last few generations were sorted into Gryffindor. Only a few families were mostly sorted into one house. With my own being one of them for the Slytherin house. Your name and heritage become entwined with the house, as if you are royalty within that house. I couldn't say that was the same for the Kallens. They had so little wizards the past few years that you can barely even count them as a wizarding family. I guess tragedy does that tho, suddenly make you a bigger part of a group than you were. The biggest divide was in the Slytherin house, Most of them just decided to stand up for their house. Which was hard, if your house decided that the loss of the Kallens wasn't worth all this fuss.
I was looking for Regulus, I didn't care about houses and groups at this moment. I felt all these divided tentions in the air and I knew what that meant. I meant a house class and I knew I would be one of the boys to fight for gryffindor. It was a no brained actually. I was one of the best dualists and I would never back down for a fight. Regulus was sitting in the Libary. He looked calm, not affected or maybe ignorant to the atmosphere change.
"Regulus "i whisper yelled. He looked up from his book. He stared for a bit and started reading again. Confusion was written all over my face, but I couldnt back down now. " Regulus, listen to me, don't get involved okay" I hoped he would understand what I meant.
"Too late now, brother" The last word left his mouth with what I could only describe as disgust.
"No Regulus, than quit! Step out of it" I felt desperate, how could he be so stupid.
"No" He didn't even look at me while he said it. First time we talked after starting school and in total he looked at me for maybe 10 seconds.
"Regulus listen to me" I slammed my fist on the table. Regulus stood up, bend down of the table like me. Finally facing me, looking at me.
"No Sirius, you can't decide when you do and don't care. I make my own decisions now. You left remember. You left and now you have to deal with it. So leave me alone and watch me change the world" His eyes spit fire, his word spoken calmly but deadly. "Do what you do best and leave" It hurt, is this what defeat feels like?
"No Regulus, I am.." I couldn't finish my sentence. He had left me this time, is this what it felt like for him? But I couldn't have stayed, even if I wanted to, they had kicked me out. He knew right? He knew I was kicked out... But I could have done more.
I walked out of the library what a damm morning, I can't wait for the weekend.
"Sirius"
"Ah Lilly, sorry that you had to see that yesterday" I wasn't sorry that I punched him, not really.
"Thanks, he told me about the dark arts things" She sounded unsure.
"I asked him to stop, I am not sure if he will" Maybe sad, maybe she sounded more sad.
"It will be okay Lilly, it are just weird times. Snivellus is not a dumb guy, he will listen to you" I wasn't sure about that, but I couldn't let Lilly know. He was her best friend, ofcourse she wanted him to be the best.
"Thanks Sirius" She gave a weak smile. " And I am happy you had a good talk with Marlene. I dont think any of us wanted to give you a speech after yesterday" She laughed.
"Yeah, yesterday was not my best day" I tried not to let my face show my true confusion. Did Marlene lie for me? Is that why the boys and Lilly let it be?
"Do you know where she is actually?"
"Oh no" Lilly stopped in her walk, she turned around to fully face me. "Don't you dare to have anything else with Marlene than this friendship"
"What? I am not trying.."
"You have fucked enough girls here, you do not need a new one. I want to hangout tomorrow and don't have to worry about my two friends not liking each other anymore because you do not have manners" Why was I suddenly being schooled? I though they had all decided that Marlene would give me the speeches.
"Wait what.. Two friends?"
"Yea, you are my friend Sirius"
" I got that, but what is James than?" I don't think I had ever seen someone turn red that fast. Her face was almost the same colour now.
"Don't worry Lills, your secret is save with me" I couldn't help the smirk on my face. "Could you now tell me where Marlene is?" She pointed to the stairs. Of course, she is in the astronomy tower.
"I am here for my speech" Marlene was sitting on the edge of the tower, dangeling her feet out the window. She looked carefree, to carefree for someone who would be in a lot of trouble when caught sitting like this. I joined her, dangeling my legs next to hers.
"Didn't think you would need one" She looked over hogsmeade, sight was adoring.
"Oh?" Was all I could say.
" You were beating yourself up enough, didn't think it would help if we would all do the same"
I did appreciate that.
"Not that it matters now"
"What do you mean? " She asked, facing me.
"Regulus joined that stupid club"
"Is that why you punched Severus?" I just nodded.
"It is okay Sirius, everyone needs to make their own mistakes to learn. You can't always protect your brother"
"He hates me Marlene..."
"No he doesn't" She smiled softly. "He doesn't hate you Sirius, He is just hurt"
"I tried to apologize you know" She nodded her head, really listening. I dont know why I so easily told her. I would tell James sometimes, He would just listen and let it go. Remus gave good advise if you would tell him something. Remus just had a harder time than usual with his wolf, you could see it. He looked so tired all the time. Peter just wouldn't understand....
"You can't expect him to live in your time" She said, so calmly, so not judgemental.
"What do you mean?"
"Just because you are ready to apologize and talk, doesn't mean he his"
"So what do you want me to do?"
"Let him know you love him and are willing to talk and than just wait"
"Wait?" I don't like to wait.. I always just do...
"Yes Sirius" She smiled and ruffled my hair. She lightened the mood. I laughed with her, letting my hair be a mess. "Just sit here and wait" I could just look at her, while she looked back towards hogsmeade. Just sit here and wait? I could do that.
After having my lunch in the tower, we made our way to our classes. The day was full of classes. The divide in the atmosphere was still noticeable but less explosive. The last class was DADA, the teacher still felt unsure, but I had to give it to him. He was not bad at all. He was very theoretically and therefore able to explain us everything to the smallest details. I best he wasn't the best dualist himself but could help us get better due to his observing nature. it made me want to stay in class, it was beneficial as long as I could actually improve my skills.
The day further went on quite easily. Marlene her wise words made me feel more relaxed and the boys just all did their own thing. I loved that I could just have my bad days and not feel like it would be held over my head the whole time.
"Are you excited to hangout with Marlene tomorrow?" James asked. He was clearly nervous.
We were walking towards the great hall for dinner. He did stop fidgeting his fingers.
"Of course, I like Marlene"
"You like Marlene???" Remus practically shouted. He looked shocked.
"Yeah, of course I do, she is a dope friend"
" Just a friend? I heard you guys had some fun in the train" James wiggled his eyebrows.
"I always have fun with Marlene, but unfortunately not like that"
"Why not?" Remus asked while putting his meat on his plate.
"Lilly would probably kill me"
"She can be intimidating, can't she" James looked absolutely smitten. I side eyed him, how in love can you be and she isn't even his girlfriend. I wish James would just live a little.
Enough time to settle down, no need to rush into anything. Speaking about that, maybe Elizabeth needs some relaxing later too.
"So, you are hanging out with Lilly, You with Marlene. And you decided that Peter and I were not girl worthy?" Remus Laughed.
"Yeah, where is our wingman" Peter Joined in.
"Guys, Let James have his date with Lilly" He got his red blush already with the words date. "Marlene and I are just chilling so if you want to join, than join. Don't think she will find it that bad"
" Thanks Sirius, I will be there!" Peter happily exclaimed.
"And you Remus?" He looked unsure.
"I am not sure, I have a lot to do before I you know can't" He always did that, made sure he had all his tasks and project ready before the cycle, so he would be behind.
"Don't worry Remus, I will help you tomorrow night with your projects, just join us. It will be fun!" He finally agreed. It felt like I got my groove back. Marlene was right. It will all be fine.
I got my buddies and Regulus and I will be fine. I just have to let him know I am here and he will quit that stupid club thing. It is all fine.