Author's Note: Read [bracketed] text as struck-through! Sorry this chapter is a bit late but thanks everyone for your enthusiasm! You guys are the best :) Enjoy and Happy (late) Valentine's Day <3
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Dearest Lily,
Trouble with mates already and it's only the first week of school? I'm sorry you and Emmeline are having problems. I don't know her that well, but I know she's always been a good friend to you. I'm sure whatever you're going through will pass. Sometimes all you can do is offer kindness – maybe that's all she needs right now.
I'm thrilled to hear you and James are back on good terms, though. Do tell him hi and we hope to see him again. But don't get so caught up with him that you neglect your school work. Just kidding dear. I know you would never. And I know you'll do brilliantly on your Transfiguration exam. You really shouldn't doubt yourself so much.
You also shouldn't underestimate your mother, who can see right through how you're trying to brush these accidents in our world aside. I know you don't want us to worry, but don't you think it'd be better for us to be aware? And don't forget - it's my job to worry about you. Let me worry about you. And... I'm also worried about Petunia. Even if I'm not very happy with her at the moment (I did get after her about all that wedding mess for you), her living in the city, and all these accidents happening in similar places... I want both my girls to be safe. So please do let me know whether or not I should actually be worried.
I miss you everyday. But I must admit, even though I miss you and worry and wonder... I do think you were right to go back to school. Be safe. I love you.
Love,
Mum
***
Tuesday I bully James into one last tutoring session before the big Transfiguration exam on Friday, and that reminds me I have my own tutoring duties to uphold, so Wednesday I meet with Timothy, whose Charms abilities are coming along very nicely. "You must have been studying over Christmas," I tell him, and his ears turn a pleased pink.
But on Thursday, we finally get the chance to meet with the students Professor Dumbledore approved for defensive magic practice to showcase to the Ministry.
We spoke to Professor McGonagall after class on Wednesday to arrange it. "You can use my spare classroom from eight to nine. I expect it locked up when you are done, and everything in the exact order you found it. No exceptions."
"Not a problem, Professor," James said cheerfully, and Professor McGonagall looked at me like she thought I'd be the problem.
"I'll keep them out of trouble," I promised her, because that's the only thing I can think of that she wants from me.
"Hmm," was all she'd said.
"So bloody unfair," I muttered as James and I left, and he laughed.
"Just ace her exam on Friday and she'll adore you forever."
"Not likely..."
So really it's a good thing we have this meeting tonight, because otherwise I'd be hyperventilating over my Transfiguration textbook in the girls dormitory and that would not be helpful to anyone, including me.
Instead, I hyperventilate in the spare Transfiguration classroom waiting for everyone to arrive.
"Calm down, Lily," Marlene says. She and Alice had accompanied me here to be early, and she perches on the windowsill watching the snowfall outside. "You lead meetings like this all the time."
"I lead prefect meetings," I correct. "And I was very nervous for the first few. And in any case, this is totally different. I'm not telling you all to stop taking points from people you don't like and bribe you into rounds shifts. I'm supposed to like... teach you something."
"And you teach Timothy Charms every week," Alice argues from the desk she'd taken a seat at. The one I'm sitting on top of, too anxious to settle down anywhere more permanent. "And Snape Patronus Charms every Sunday. And the rest of us everything else when we're struggling with homework. Really, Lil, the only thing you're incompetent at is Transfiguration, and everyone knows better than to ask for your expertise on that."
"That is such a confusing blend of insulting and flattering," I say. "Thanks, I guess?"
"You're welcome," she says, and glances at the door.
"Frank coming tonight?" I guess.
"Yes." She smiles.
"You never did tell us what's going on with the two of you," I accuse. "You make me spill all my stuff about James but never give anything back."
"Nothing to tell," Marlene says brightly. "Not yet, anyway. Give it till the next Hogsmeade trip."
I roll my eyes. "I don't mean your stories, Marlene," I say. "I don't need to know anything about the next random bloke you hook up with for a snog."
She shrugs, unbothered. "Seems a lot more fun and a lot less complicated than what you're trying to do."
She's not wrong, so I don't have a retort. Instead, I turn my back on her and raise my eyebrows pointedly at Alice.
"Fine, fine!" she acquiesces. "What do you want to know?"
"Are you two official?" I ask.
At the same time Marlene shouts from behind me. "How much have you snogged?"
I giggle, and Alice's cheeks turn pink, but to her credit, she answers us both. "Yes, we're official – we have been since he visited over Christmas. And I don't keep track, Marlene."
"That many?" she says, cackling.
"First one?" I prompt.
She smiles, remembering. "Our Hogsmeade date in October."
"October!" I exclaim, slapping a hand on the desktop. "What is with all my mates getting together with blokes in October and not telling me?" Then I wince, and Alice and Marlene fall quiet, too. Because of course I'm also talking about Emmeline, and I somehow momentarily forgot that instead of being mock-irritated at her, I'm actually furious. And that she's not even here to banter back, or pipe in with her own questions for Alice. I know her well enough I can imagine what she'd ask. While Marlene wanted all the physical details, and I talked the logistics of the relationship, Em would have cut straight to the emotional stuff. "How much do you like him?" she'd ask, her grey-blue eyes wide and soft. "How do you feel when you're with him?"
Dang it. I miss her.
Alice clears her throat. "Well, in my defense, I don't feel like it's been entirely a secret. I think it's been pretty clear we like each other."
"Fair enough," I allow. I recognize her attempt to brush past the exposed hole Emmeline's absence cut. I hesitate, then take a stab at filling it. "And how do you feel about him? About you and Frank?"
"He's the one," Alice says, and it's with such ease and certainty I stare.
"Are we early?" someone asks, and I hop off the desk to greet Angela Stoker and some of her fellow Ravenclaws coming in the door, casting Alice one last uncertain glance as I go.
Ten minutes later and the classroom is full. James showed up with his whole crew shortly after the Ravenclaws, and in total we have between fifteen and twenty students with representation from each House.
Slytherin is the most under-represented: the only Slytherins in attendance are Severus and a sixth year named Hawthorn I don't know very well but who Severus said was alright. At the very least, he has nothing to do with Rosier or Death Eater schemes, and that was as good as we were going to get from Slytherin House.
Gryffindor has by far the most impressive standing. The only one in attendance really irritating me is Carol, who I'd been thoroughly annoyed to see dragged in by James. I caught Sirius's eye when they'd all come in together – he was, after all, as little a fan of Carol's as I was, but he just shrugged and rolled his eyes as if to say, you know how he is.
Which did very little to reassure me. I think of the confidence with which Alice had said "He's the one," and feel envious. How could she be so sure?
I, however, am forever sure of nothing. Just that I don't like seeing Carol with James. And that I dislike how much it bothers me seeing Carol with James.
Thank Merlin James has to come lead the meeting with me in the front of the classroom where Carol can't stay plastered to his side.
"So," I say, when everyone has found a seat and the chattering dies down. "Hi. Thanks for coming. Um... tonight, we – "
"What's this about?" Hawthorn demands, and it's an immediate demonstration of how tonight will differ from a prefect meeting. I might have to deal with pompous prefects like Nott and Belby, but we're all prefects for a reason. Except for James, we mostly have a reputation for being the 'good students', and it's fairly easy to say what we need to say without too much interruption.
This group, however, is clearly lacking in the same dynamics. Angela, Frank, Remus, and I are the only prefects, and the rest (my mates included) have much less qualms about shouting out and making their opinions heard.
"I'm getting to that," I say, keeping my voice even. "Like James and I told you when we invited you, this is a group Professor Dumbledore requested we set up. We wanted to–"
"Why isn't he here?" Marlene calls, and I give her a look. She ought to know to keep her mouth shut to help a witch out.
"You think Dumbledore has the time to sit in and watch a bunch of students practice their defense?" James says. "Nah. You get Lily and me instead, and that's going to be good enough for you lot."
Everyone laughs and no one shouts out again. I give him a reluctant smile. "Suppose you take over from here? I think they're more likely to listen to you than me."
"If you say so, Evans," he says with a grin, and turns back to the group. "So Dumbledore wants us to brush up on your defensive magic because the Minister is coming to Hogwarts in a few weeks and you all get to showcase your skills as an opportunity to impress them with how well Hogwarts trains its students."
This quiets them. Frank and one of the Hufflepuff sixth years exchange excited glances. "That's right," James says, knowing he's finally got their attention. "And if you play your cards right, some of you might have the chance to line up career opportunities with this, if you'd like."
Sirius snorts and Severus's face remains impassive, but most everyone else looks intrigued.
"So, let's get started," James says. "Warm-ups, Lily?"
"Wands out and partner up," I command. "Let's start with some basic Disarming."
To my relief, everyone gets to their feet and grabs a friend to practice with. The desks will be in the way, and James notices the same time I do. "Tersus sursum," we both say, and the desks and chairs sweep to the sides of the classroom as everyone gets to work.
"You got that side?" I ask, indicating the side of the room Carol's not on.
"On it," he says, and we split to weave among the practicing pairs.
As I suspected, everyone's got this spell down. It's a basic one, very straightforward, but also quite essential. I stop only to give one of the Hufflepuffs a pointer on how to tweak her enunciation so her partner's disarmed wand will fly directly into her hand instead of inconveniently across the room.
After a few minutes, I shoot red sparks out of my wand with a bang, and everyone stops their spellwork. The last few disarmed wands clatter to the floor.
"Nice work," I say. "Everyone feeling warmed up?" There's nodding around the room. I glance at James.
"Next spell," he says. "Upping the difficulty. Let's see everyone's Shield Charms..."
Marlene and Alice had been right after all, I think as I pace around the room. This was nothing. I guess those tutoring skills, both official and unofficial, paid off after all. I know how to correct Peter's stance for a more effective cast, and catch Angela's hesitation from all the way across the room.
James is having similar success with his half of the room, though he stops to scheme with Sirius and Remus far too long for my liking. I also notice he's giving Sev a wide berth, but I think that's probably for the best. After all, I'm doing an exceptionally good job of avoiding Carol, who's grumpily practicing with one of the Ravenclaws. Her Reductor Charm goes wide and smashes a desk.
James catches my eye after I hurry to repair the damage (I will not let Professor McGonagall blame this on me) and I nod. This time it's him who stops the practice with a bang.
"Right," he says. "That was good. But now we want to spend the rest of our time on a special assignment Dumbledore's given us."
At that, everyone perks up, eyes curious.
"How many of you can cast a patronus?" I say.
Only about a third of the hands in the room go up. None of the sixth years can, but even many of the seventh years keep their hands down, looking sheepish, Marlene and Severus among them.
"Alright," I say. "We can work with that. That's why we have time. We're building up to something, but let's get the patronus foundation down first. James?"
He picks up the instruction. "Even if you can't do it yet, you should all know that a patronus starts with a happy memory – a strong happy memory." He raises his wand. "Expecto Patronum!" Everyone oohs as his resulting stag canters to the back of the room before fading away. "And that's really all there is to it," he says, dropping his wand again. "Pick a memory, focus on it, say the words." He glances around. "Those of you who already have it down, maybe help some of the others who don't."
"We'll practice this until the end of the evening," I call as everyone raises their wands to start back up. "James and I will try to get around to everyone."
It's not long before the room fills with pearly mist. A few silvery animals trot, bound, and scamper around the students, but mostly the room is just a bit foggy. I stop to help Marlene for a bit, since Peter's not giving her any sort of valuable assistance. It's clear that even though he can conjure his own patronus, he's got no clue how to help anyone else with theirs. I move on once Marlene's able to start producing a sort of solid looking cloud.
I notice Carol, who I've steered clear of so far, with her face scrunched in irritation, shouting, "Expecto Patronum'' over and over with no results. Her tone leaves little doubt that she's not focusing on any sort of happy feelings. I groan. I certainly don't want to help her, but duty tugs me across the room in her direction.
That is, until an irritated shout stops me in my tracks. It's probably not a shout, actually; it's just that I know the voices involved so well they stand out amid the chaos of the room.
"Don't need your help, Potter," Severus spits, taking several large steps away from James, who, judging by the way he's got his arm extended, had attempted to take Severus's wand to demonstrate. I mean, I suppose he could have been reaching for Severus's arm to guide him through the movement, but I doubt it. That would have gone over as well (worse) as when James had attempted that same move on me our very first tutoring session.
"Clearly you do, Snape," James says. "Otherwise you'd be able to actually do something beyond watching Lily and standing there like an idiot."
"Don't you dare –"
"Alright you two," I say loudly, pushing between them. "Sev, calm down, he's only trying to help. James..." I look at him. "Let's switch sides of the room, okay?"
James scowls at Severus, then gives a short nod and stalks away without saying anything else.
"Yeah, real good choice for Head Boy and leading this stuff," Severus sneers at James's retreating back. If he hears, he doesn't show it. A moment later, he's gone to work with Carol. I force myself to turn away.
"That's not fair," I tell Severus. "He's done a right good job so far this year as Head Boy."
"Don't know what Dumbledore was playing at," Sev mutters.
"Hey," I say. "No wonder you can't get a patronus out tonight – you're much too focused on being mad at James. Patronuses need happy thoughts, remember?"
"Hmph," Severus grumbles, but he too makes a massive effort to turn his back on James. "Fine," he growls.
"Show me what you've got," I say.
"Expecto Patronum," Sev says, but it's without any sort of energy and nothing happens.
"Wow," I say dryly. "Impressive, really. Can't imagine why James tried to help you."
"For your information," Severus says, "he got right in my face about it and said he doubted someone as miserable as me was ever going to be able to pull a patronus off."
I wince and glance back at James against my will. That does, unfortunately, sound like something James might say to Severus, based on years of witnessing past interactions between the two of them. I'm further bothered that when I do find James, he's still with Carol, who looks a lot less irritated than she had earlier. James coaxes a laugh out of her, and a silvery shimmer from her wand follows it. I push down my irritation. After all, I myself had been on my way to help Carol right before swapping James sides. She does need the help. She just bloody well doesn't need to tug on his sleeve to get his attention or smile like that at him, for Merlin's sake...
I turn back around before I stomp over there. "Sorry about him," I say. "You're right, that was uncalled for. No one's perfect, I suppose."
"He's a right cry from perfect," Severus says.
I sigh. "Let's focus on us, Sev."
"Us?" he asks.
"Yeah," I say. "Get those memories out. Let's go over them again. Find one to focus on."
I spend the next several minutes with Severus, concentrating on instructing him. We laugh a bit over some of the memories we unearth from the pouch, and it spurs others. ("Remember when we studied on the grounds that one time in fourth year and it started raining on us? "Oh yeah! And then we could barely stay upright when we finally got back to the castle, the floors were so slippery...") Before long I've softened toward Sev again, lost in memories and encouraged by the progress he's making. While I'm starting to wonder if we'll ever be able to get a corporeal patronus out of Severus (we've been trying so hard for so long), at least I feel better about the shield-like projection he's managing.
"It's not as strong as a full patronus form –" (and it won't work for sending messages, I think privately) "-- but it'll do in a pinch," I say.
"Well, that's something at least," he says.
"You're doing really well," I say encouragingly.
He smiles at me then, and it's my favorite smile from him, the rare soft one that touches his eyes. "Thanks, Lily."
"Oy, Evans," Sirius says loudly. I jump. I didn't realize we'd been practicing so near him. "You ever going to let us go for the night?"
I check my watch and curse. It's several minutes past nine. Will Professor McGonagall come around to check we're following her rules for her spare classroom? I don't want to stick around to find out. I let my wand off with a bang.
"Great work tonight, everyone! I saw lots of improvement with those patronuses. Keep practicing so we can revisit them next time and maybe move on to the next step."
"When is next time?" Arlen McManners from Hufflepuff shouts.
"Same time next week?" I say.
"Sooner!" Asa Sharp says. "If we've only got till the end of February to prepare, I'd like as much practice as possible."
Several others murmur their agreement, and I nod.
"We can arrange that." A wave of inspiration hits, and I add, "Tomorrow we'll try and catch you all to give you a charmed parchment. Whenever James or I have a moment we can work with you guys, we'll write down when and where and it'll show up on yours. Then whoever wants to come practice can. Does that work?" I look over at James for confirmation, and he gives me a thumbs-up. Only I'm distracted when I look at him, because I see that while I stayed with Sev the rest of the meeting, he also stayed with Carol. I fixate on the lack of space between their arms as they stand together.
"Lily?" Alice prompts, and I realize everyone has agreed to the plan and is waiting for me to finish up.
"Uh, yeah," I say, blinking to look back at her. "Right. So find one of us tomorrow if you want that schedule. Otherwise, same time next week."
She nods, and with that everyone starts heading out.
I expect James to leave with Sirius, Remus, and Peter, but Sirius rolls his eyes at Carol and the three boys push out the door without him. James, still talking to Carol, doesn't seem to notice.
"Lil, you coming?" Alice asks, heading for the door with Marlene.
I glance at James again.
"No," I say. "You guys go on ahead, I need to make sure the room gets cleaned back up for Professor McGonagall."
"Riiiight," Marlene says. She follows my gaze to James and looks back, a wicked gleam in her eyes. "That, or you're going to have more stories to share when you get back to the girl's dorm."
"Shut up," I mumble. "I'll see you in a bit."
Once they leave, it's just James, Carol, and me left in the room, and I fight every instinct that screams for me to saunter over and throw an arm around James or take his hand or something. I even briefly fantasize about stretching up to kiss his cheek, if only to shock that smug grin off Carol's face. I'm starting to regret the deal I'd made with James about keeping our (sort-of) relationship a secret right now.
But no, there's a reason for that decision. I won't sabotage my own plan.
So instead, I start dragging desks and chairs back to the center of the room. One at a time. Without magic. Loudly.
Because I'm allowed to be at least a little petty.
"Goodnight, Carol," James tells her, and I'm pleased to hear he sounds exasperated. "I'm going to help Lily clean up."
"I could help, too," she offers.
I grit my teeth and grab another chair. It pings against a desk as I handle it too roughly.
"No, that's okay, this is our job. Go on."
To give Carol the tiniest bit of credit, she knows she's been dismissed. "Oh, alright. Night, James."
A moment later, James is next to me, dragging the desk to my chair. "Let me help you there, Head Girl."
I stop, and so does he. "You know we could just use magic," I say irritably, like it was his idea we move the desks the Muggle way.
"So we could," he says. "I just thought maybe you had a point in doing it this way."
"No," I say, pulling out my wand. I point it at the remaining furniture, and in a minute they're all back to their original positions.
"And you didn't start with that because...?"
"I didn't feel like it," I say shortly.
"C'mon, Lily," James says. "Talk to me."
"Nothing to say," I say, heading for the door. "Everything's fine."
"Clearly not," he says, following me.
I say nothing as we head down the corridor. There's still a few students milling around, taking advantage of the last half hour until curfew.
"Alright," he says. "I'll bite – is this about Snape, or Carol?"
"Oh, so you do admit there's something for me to be upset about?" I say, and even I can hear how obnoxious I'm being. "Sorry," I say, slowing.
"It's okay. Just tell me what's up."
"I guess... it's a bit of both. Both Sev and Carol."
"I figured as much," he says. He surprises me with his next words. "And I'm sorry about how I handled things with Snape. But just so you know, he was being a git, too."
I have to laugh a little at the 'too' James tacked on to that sentence. I'll give it to him; at least James is more self-aware these days than he's ever been before. "I know. I guess I'll just have to make sure the two of you stay well away from each other in future meetings."
"I suppose that means you'll always be the one working with him then?"
I peek at him. He's working hard to keep his expression neutral, but I can see his eyes strain behind his glasses. Is he... jealous?
Huh.
"Someone has to," I say carefully.
"Right," he says. "And someone has to work with Carol, too."
"I could work with her," I say defensively, and he raises his eyebrows skeptically. "I mean, maybe," I mutter. If it meant James wouldn't interact with her again, maybe I really could.
"I'd hate to see the two of you try," he says.
"I just don't know why you're so insistent she has to come at all," I say as we duck under a tapestry that will short-cut us back to Gryffindor Tower. "She clearly doesn't want to be here."
"She... it's complicated," James says.
I sigh. "It always is."
"It doesn't have to be," James says, the same refrain he's been saying lately, but it's more irritating right now than anything else. I think again to Alice's certainty ("he's the one") with a pang. I don't want this to be complicated. I want that same certainty with James, but Carol is just one of many complications we can't seem to get past, and frustration makes me lash out.
"You're right," I say. "It doesn't have to be complicated. Maybe it's as simple as she still fancies you and you're not willing to shut her down all the way because you're not too sure about me yet."
"Now wait a minute," James says angrily. It's too dark in the passageway to see his face, but I don't need to. "Who's not sure about who around here? And Snape fancies you, and you don't see me throwing a fit about you hanging around him every spare moment you get."
"Because we're friends," I say. "Of course we're going to hang out. Plus, he's spying on the Slytherins for us. What exactly is Carol adding to anything?"
James rips aside the tapestry at the other end of the shortcut a little too roughly as we exit back into the corridor right near the Fat Lady's portrait. Several third years on their way to the common room jump in alarm. They take one look at mine and James's frustrated faces and scuttle inside quickly, leaving the corridor empty except for us.
"You don't know everything, Lily," James tells me.
"No, I don't," I retort. "Because you don't bloody tell me anything."
"Why can't you just trust I have good reasons?" he exclaims. "You trust and forgive Snape so easily, but no matter what I do, you're determined to have all these reservations!"
"Then clear them up for me!" I shout back.
"No! I shouldn't have to!"
"Yes! You should! Isn't that what people do when they... if they..." I stumble over how to classify us. "In... in these types of relationships?"
James laughs, but it's not at all amused. "In what type of relationship, exactly? Because you've been pretty clear there's not any sort of relationship going on here." He turns to the Fat Lady, who's been watching our shouting match with a mixture of growing interest and concern. "Scintilla," he says abruptly to her. "I'm going to bed."
"Probably for the best," the Fat Lady says, and she swings open.
I watch him climb through and disappear into the common room, fuming. My muscles still tense from the fight. Merlin, we haven't fought like that in quite some time.
Although, actually, we fought like that over Christmas, didn't we?
And Slughorn's party right before...
And a couple other times before that.
No wonder we're already falling apart. Do we even know how to go very long with exploding at each other?
"Are you going in?" The Fat Lady asks. "I'm getting tired of hanging open like this."
"Sorry," I mutter. "I'm going in."
***
Dear Mum,
Thanks for the advice. You're probably right and I could stand to be kinder to [James] [everyone] Emmeline. It's just so hard when we have so many points of contention right now. Sometimes I feel like all [he] she and I do is fight. You shouldn't waste your energy worrying about accidents in the Muggle world – I have enough personal drama going on here at school without adding to it.
Only joking. Really, Mum, don't worry about me. Or Petunia. You know how stubborn hardheaded strong she is.
We had our first Defense Association meeting tonight – did I ever tell you about that? It's a group Professor Dumbledore asked James and I to put together for when the Ministry comes for a visit at the end of next month. It went [like rubbish] pretty well. We practiced patronuses. All my mates are in this group [except Emmeline, and I miss her so much] as well as James's, so that made the evening a little more fun and not just nerve-wracking. You know how I get worked up about these kinds of things sometimes. But it all went over well. We'll be meeting again next week.
Tomorrow is the big Transfiguration exam! This is the exam that will make or break my Auror career, so send me all the positive energy you can! James is fairly confident I'll be alright [but since when was he ever honest with me?]
Love you. Tell Dad hi from me.
Lily