| Agastya |
"WHAT ON EARTH AGASTYA!!" I scream at the top of my voice, words coming out like a growl. My lips tremble with agony and wrath at every word spoken, the glass chandelier which once beautified the living room is now broken into pieces of pieces after getting hit by a baseball bat by me, certain glass pieces pierce through my skin when my hand is already bandaged, yet I feel nothing as strong as the guilt I am feeling right now for kissing Lavanya, for not feeling disgusting about it but unshackled and unrestrained. Five long hours have passed but that moment hasn't left my mind. The whole moment keeps on replaying in front of my eyes. How can I cheat on Natasha again and again and not feel bad about what I do? What is there in Lavanya which keeps me on my edge, makes me forget my own rules, cross the boundaries and keeps me closer to her? Never in my wildest of the dreams, I had thought that my sheer hatred for her will turn into a fatal attraction. I am obsessed with her and this is not right. I want her like a human needs air, like a moth is drawn to a flame, like a beggar wants a penny, I am worse than a beggar actually. Lavanya is like drug for me. But when did it happen? Probably the night I chose to kiss her, to mark her mine instead of sending her away from me. I am feeling like a fucking man wh*re right now.
( The worst part is, I'm not feeling it, I'm trying or rather forcing myself to feel disgusted. )
Lavanya kissed me to tell me that I did it consciously, that I was equally involved, that it was my decision and now I have no right to tell her otherwise. Fucking again. Lavanya again has become a live reminder of my mistakes. She is nothing but a fucking reminder that I am a loser. Her loser.
I was trying hard to act normal, to stay away from her, to safeguard myself from the shame and guilt I am feeling, for not actually fancying anything. But nobody helped. Not even Love. But do I really want to be helped? No. Because I love it whenever she is beneath me, swayed and charmed, I savour the feeling of her lips on mine, her fingers callously playing with my hair, her skin under my touch. She feels like a magical spell casted on me because I lose all my sanity and rationality at her one glance. She invites me to do the blunder again and again, and what do I do? I happily play along. There is never a no on my lips. And today she was right about everything. After kissing her like that, I can't run away but who's gonna tell her that even if I am trying, I am not able to forget anything. She's too pretty of a sin to be forgotten so easily.
"What has happened Agastya?" Vidyut asked me three days back when I nodded in positive and didn't put forward my views in the meeting led by Lavanya.
"Nothing has happened." I had lied.
"Seems like your medication had sedatives in majority. I have never seen you this calm and quiet." Vidyut smirked.
"and you will not get to see your toothy grin again when I will punch you and break your teeth." I said.
"How many people will you punch?" Vidyut laughed, I looked at him, and he continued "Entire office is talking about you and Lavanya and your changed dynamics. Something has happened for sure." I had pretended to not give a fuck about his opinion but Vidyut was right. Everyone in the office is well aware about the tension and strange silence between me and Lavanya. God knows how many times I have found people staring at us, whispering in each other's ears about us, there have been eyes looking at us with awe, adoration and sometimes as a subject of juicy gossip. Even I haven't stopped stealing glances at her this entire week, my eyes practically didn't leave her. Though her presence reminded me of my sins, yet I felt belonged. I felt happy that she was right there, in front of my eyes. What has changed between us? Wasn't I supposed to teach her a lesson? Wasn't I meant to stay away from her? She is like a magnet herself, I have seen her. How disappointed she was this whole time, for not getting my attention.
"I think there's something for you in Lavanya's heart." Dad said, adding fuel to the fire, before I came back home today.
"What the hell are you saying Dad?" I replied in an annoyed tone. I was already lamenting what happened in her cabin, I was exasperated about the whole thing, but how could my father ever leave a chance to bully me.
"You know.. I feel.. I feel that she has begun to like you." What is there to like about me? And when it comes to Love, I have only given her reasons to hate me. There is nothing worth admiring about a drunkard like me, who is stuck in his past, and most importantly, who hates her.
"It's all in your head.." I was quick to answer back.
"..I have seen it in her eyes. I have observed her, the way she has been looking at you since a week or two, the way she mentally danced when I asked her to launch the magazine at your birthday party, the way she admires you. It is so evident Agastya. Don't you see it?"
"I don't come to the office to see her."
"I am your father Agastya. You came back to the office after a year when you heard about Lavanya taking up your position. You didn't come for the sake of Highlights or for me, you came back for her. You come daily only to see Lavanya.." Dad smirked at me, spewing facts on my face.
"..to see her suffering and to make her life hell." I growled in frustration.
"And you have ended up making her fall in love with you. And ask me Agastya. I would love to see you both together." Dad said in a casual tone, telling me something I don't want to know.
"STOP IT DAD." I yelled and broke the mirror with my fist this time. Blood oozed from my knuckles and at the same time, Lavanya walked in. Dad widened his eyes at the coincidence and left us alone again after letting out a dry laugh. He does not get affected by these injuries anymore because I don't listen to him.
Though Lavanya got concerned and dramatic on seeing me in blood. While I kept on asking her to go away, she left all her work and bandaged my cuts carefully and meticulously. She was utterly gentle and soft, as she slipped my wounded hand into her gorgeous one. My heart raced as I stared at her without blinking an eye. Her fairly tanned face looked gorgeous while being close to me. I could smell her opulent rosy fragrance and it made me feel alive. Lavanya was sitting just inches away from me yet my mind calculated the distance between us as miles.
"You need not to do anything." I whispered gently. I didn't know what I was irritated about. My blurring hatred for her for that instance or the distance between us which I wanted to close again and again.
"I know you can very well help yourself but let me do it." She replied without looking up at me and added in a much lower tone, as if talking to herself "I know you wouldn't care about it at first place." She added.
Lavanya's care and attention had left me wondering about the changes in her demeanor around me. She is more gentle, loving and compliant nowadays. She keeps on looking at me, the way I look at her, or maybe more number of times than me. Her face reddens whenever I whisper anything to her, doesn't matter if it's bitter or sweet. As if my closeness touches her in unthinkable ways. Has our kiss affected her? Is she thinking about a future with me? Is Dad right? Has she fallen in..
I tucked her free hair strand behind her ears as she tended on my wounds, which made her look up at me. Her curled eyelashes blinked at me, while she bit on her lips, making my gut clench at her activity. To avoid her, I looked away. She did the same and my eyes landed on her naive face again. Despite looking drop dead gorgeous in a black bodycon dress that had a slit up to her thighs, she looks like an angel at the same time. She has some innocence in her eyes that makes you stay and hold on to the passing moment.
She shouldn't fall for me at any cost. Lavanya deserves better man than me. The one who doesn't exploit but devours her body, who doesn't brush off but accepts her feelings. She has all the rights to experience the love I have experienced in my life.
Oh fuck it Agastya. This clarity of mind, the rationality of still being able to differentiate between my human emotions and my hatred for my enemy create more complications in my life. One moment, I make plans to destroy her, and another, I move my lips against hers. So damn fickle!
There's nothing! There's fucking nothing! Maybe I am just physically attracted to her. Yeah. I am sure. It's just a normal attraction between a male and a female, which needs to end. Because I am not allowed to do or feel like that. People in love don't get attracted to others. It is cheating. It's called infidelity. FUCK ME.
_______________
NEXT DAY:
"Agastya!" Vidyut storms inside my cabin in hurry. His forehead is adorned with frown lines and his eyes look at me with suspicion and worry.
"Keep it crisp and short Vidyut." I type on my MacBook, anyways.
"You have asked for the details of Ifteqaar and his political party?" It isn't a statement but a question and I wonder how did he get to know about it. Vidyut can be a threat to me, in this matter.
"Yes and what is wrong in it?" I say back, acting all cool and calm.
"He is one of the most honest yet the most dangerous man. Of course it concerns me. What are you planning to do?" Vidyut seems to read my mind. He has known me for years and our bond has only developed stronger.
"How is me checking the details about Ifteqaar seems a plan to you?" I relax back in my seat and look at him straight in his eyes.
"I can feel it." He replies bluntly.
"You need to hold your horses. I am doing nothing crazy." I let out a chuckle.
"That's so Agastya scheming Raichand of you." He crosses his hands in front of his chest.
"Knowing me too well is not healthy."
"Stop doing whatever you are doing." Vidyut warns me and that earns him a smirk in return but I have a huge headline for the newspapers in making.
___________
12th April 2024
"You look absolutely dashing sir. People will swoon around you." Dad has sent home, a stylist who has chosen a maroon black lapel collar blazer over a black shirt with a matching bow tie for today's party which will begin in an hour or so. I have my hair gelled, my stubble trimmed, and other essentials ready to begin with. Though it's a different thing that not a single cell of my body is keen to be there.
I look in the mirror and I identify myself as the most gloomiest man who could ever be dressed in such an expensive tuxedo. What a freaking irony! I don't know but there's just sadness around me. Or probably pity and uncontrollable anger building inside me that it hurts. I'm fatigued with the constant fight I have been fighting with my own heart. It's crazy to keep my hands off Lavanya and at the same time facing her daily in the office. I keep on telling myself that I hate her but as soon as I see her, I act weirdly. After that kiss, I have again kept her at a hand's distance yet the urge to hold her close doesn't vanish and she just doesn't help.
The impact she has on me is insane. She drives me crazy. I have reduced drinking alcohol, not because I want it, but to make myself stronger than Lavanya. I don't want another weak moment between us. And the worst part about her effect on me is, I have begun to visualize Natasha and my past as a weight on my soul. I feel burdened. But that's not right. I know. "THAT'S NOT RIGHT." The stylist visibly jolts at my sudden outburst in front of him. Sweat beads trickle down his face.
Oh I hate Lavanya! And I am going to make her pay the price for putting my personal things on fire. I haven't forgotten -
The doorbell rings. I run down the stairs, gesturing the house help with my hand to let me check.
"Yes?" I ask the delivery man who is standing at the door of my house with a bouquet of red roses, a birthday card and a small box wrapped in an expansive gift paper.
"Happy Birthday sir." The delivery man grins at me and offers me everything he has in his hand. As soon as I put it on the table, my phone rings.
It's Lavanya. I pick up the phone and open the birthday card at the same time and my eyes wide at the mention of her name, written on the card.
"Happy birthday Agastya." Lavanya and I say at the same time. She wishes me and I read it from the card.
"You shouldn't have sent gifts. It's unnecessary." I reply in a calculative way, masking my emotions well, though a tear marks its presence at the corner of my eye. I scan the big birthday message she has written for me on the card.
"You are being too formal. I just thought.. I mean you love writing cards so I thought you would love it to have one for yourself this birthday." Lavanya hesitated a bit. I can picture her biting her lower lip in anxiety. She's always anxious around me nowadays.
"Thank you Love. I am touched." I truly am or what?
"I know you must have so many cards with you, gifted by your closer ones.."
NO IT IS MY FIRST TIME EVER. And I don't understand why my first is from your side, Love.
".. but I still chose to gift you, everything you admire."
"Thoughtful but don't stress yourself like this." I reply in a cold voice.
"I am glad that you liked the gifts." I hear her audible sigh as she didn't bother herself with my rudeness. "I was seriously puzzled about the presents. I didn't know if you would like them or not, what would you think of me.. I mean..." I can picture her in my mind, fumbling at her words, walking around every corner of her room right now, scratching her nails on her throat lightly.
"It's alright. Everything was consensual." Lavanya didn't say anything. A long uncomfortable pause goes on. She's definitely disappointed with my straightforward reply.
"Happy birthday once again." She breathes however.
"Thank you. See you in the party." I immediately put the phone back and go through her message. I was dying to concentrate on the words she has written for me. I don't understand why she is doing all this for a person who is practically using her body, her emotions and at the end, the one who will always hate her.
Many many happy returns of the day Agastya. I wish you all the happiness peace of mind and success. Yes. Even if it means removing me from my position because what is mine, will stay mine. But if it is for you, it will come back.
Today, I want to end all the animosity, and hard feelings I have ever harbored for you. I hope you have understood my intentions behind the magazine we are going to launch today. I had never intended to harm you, or steal away anything that belongs to you. But destiny! It always has its own plans. On your special day, I just want to say, I am glad that I found you. Happy Birthday A.
I feel puzzled right now, the reason being, the calmness with which my heart is beating and this small smile I have on my lips. It's all so strange. I don't remember when last I had genuinely smiled like this or when did I have felt so much at ease. My heart is swelling with an overwhelming emotion, I don't want to name. This is so fucking wrong to feel anything merry about Lavanya but it's equally true that I haven't ever received letters or cards in my life, which according to me, can be the best presents you can give to your loved ones.
"There's nothing more precious than words. Words written with your own hands, words describing how you feel about them, words that touch their soul and uncomplicate every problem" I discretely remember my mother saying it. She used to have a large collection of letter writing kits, of all types, classic, vintage, with different types of papers, stylish pens and special kinds of inks. This is one of those things, that I have inherited from mom - the love for letters. Dad told me that she used to write a few for dad, her sisters, her best friend, I wonder why she didn't write anything for me ever. Maybe because I was always in front of her eyes, till her last breath. Maybe.
I wonder at the contradictions of life. Lavanya being the same person, who burned my letters and who now gifted me the first letter of my life, amuses me. She reminded me of my mother, after a long time and the same thing fills me with anger that my words never reached Natasha, the woman I loved so much. The account of all those sleepless nights, depression, engulfed in the fear of losing her at the hands of another man, she never got to read them.
"Plant these roses in the backyard." My house help nods formally at my command, while I place the gifts back on table. The roses have filled my room with their gorgeous smell, their tips have already turned dark, and there's no way I want them to wilt. Nothing wilts in Agastya's den, be it roses or recollections. They are precious and these roses shall stay with me, even when I will throw Lavanya out of my life really soon.
______________
My thoughts trail back to 2022, it was the last time I celebrated my birthday with her and now this makes me again miss Natasha today. Had she been here, I would have celebrated my whole day with her just like old times. She would have baked a cake for me, arranged for an orphanage visit so that we could make the children happy. We would have gone to watch fireworks. It was our ritual you know. But would she really have been here with me if she were alive? She wouldn't have even spared a look at me, making a cake for me is out of question. I don't understand till date, when did my love for her became so small and insignificant in comparison to his. And forget me, did she never love me? Forgetting someone you loved, forgetting your affection for them is not at all easy. I wonder if Natasha ever loved me the way I was smitten on her. From my experience I can say that it's not easy to unlove a person. If it had been, I would have been free and not forced to feel guilty for what has transpired between me and Lavanya.
Damn! What am I even thinking?
I am right now standing among so many people, some, who have been invited by my father and some who belong to the office and a few close relatives. The richly decorated venue, a big three tier champagne cake, confetti's, drinks, loud music everything about this party was once a part of my life but the day Natasha walked in, my life changed. This lavish celebration is opposite to what I have been doing since last five years on my birthday. Natasha and I never did fancy gatherings and today, just for the sake of Dad, I am here. Breathing and surviving through this day which now gives no happiness to me. What a waste of a day it is that a loser was born.
I also miss my mom. She left us too early. If she would have been here today, she wouldn't have allowed me to think of myself as a loser. She loved me more than her life, so much that she chose to come in front of a speedy car over her own survival and saved the life of a scumbag like me, who couldn't handle his business, his relationship with his father and his wife. I was ten years old when she died, protecting me and her death still weighs my soul. I am responsible for so many deaths, so much misery and here I celebrate my birthday with pomp and splendor.
"I also miss your mom today." Dad's voice brings me to the present and I nod at him in wonder. He read my mind so easily.
"Don't be a sad guy young man." Dad adjusts my collar and looks at me in the eye and chuckles at his own words. "You have all your life for it."
"Just for you Dad..." I sigh, forcing my hands into the pockets. ".. and mom." Dad offers me a smile in return. He has always loved his wife more than anything in the world. He was so broke when she died but Highlights didn't suffer losses even when Dad couldn't concentrate because he didn't drown himself in alcohol. He didn't completely ghost his employees, in fact he was always there for everyone.
I am a loser who can't ever be like Dad. Though I have taken Highlights to greater heights, apparently more than him but I stepped back like a coward. I loved Natasha so madly that I have destroyed myself and my business. Yet I still miss her today, I'm lost in the memories of my deceased wife whom I loved more than my own life.
"Ouch!" The boy flinches as his phone dropped on the floor by running into me, and thus breaking my line of thoughts.
"You are too young to be here. Aren't you?" He collects his phone on which, I assume, he was playing a game.
"Oh. This party bores me. But I had to come here because of my sister." He stands up tall and looks at me with a gloomy expression and I end up laughing.
"Don't laugh. Okay?" He glares at me. The young boy is definitely a nerd high school lad. With a height up to my shoulders, a spectacle on his nose, dressed forcefully in a handsome shirt, he looks rather uncomfortable.
"Seems you are in a tough place." I laugh slightly.
"Not tough, BORING!!" He adds dramatically.
"What's your name? And who is your sister?"
"I'm Snehit and I'm Lavanya Sinha's brother." Snehit forwards his hand while I get serious on listening her name. I didn't know she has a brother. Oh! I know nothing about her.
"Nice to meet you." He readily accepted my gesture and shook hands with me.
"By the way who are you?" His eyes look at me with curiosity. The pair is similar to Lavanya's orbs.
"Just a regular employee. I work under your sister." I shrug my shoulder.
"Your suit doesn't account for regular employee but I'll buy it." He shrugs, mimicking my actions and that makes me chuckle internally. Her brother is a masterpiece and an extrovert.
"What did you think then?" I stare at him.
"You are the most well dressed here. I thought you were that rich snooty guy, she often mentions to mom." She talks about someone to her mother. She discusses a fucking man and I am not aware about it?
"Which guy?" I ask spontaneously.
"I don't know. I don't meddle with her when she's talking to mom. But he troubles her a lot. She bad mouths him a lot and..." Snehit replies in a comical tone and I can realize it's me, he is unknowingly talking about. Anyways, I'm happy to know that she doesn't praise me, because that means everything is normal. We are still enemies.
"And?"
"Mom also hates him. Do you know who he is?"
"Oh- okay. Yeah I know him but he hasn't come today. He is a very bad guy. Ask her to stay away from him." I chide.
"She's the CEO. Its him who needs to stay away from her." Snehit retorts back like a defensive brother. I must say he's good at not losing arguments, though we are not having one. Though he is around seventeen or probably eighteen years of age, yet I can vouch that he's still a baby for his sister. They seem affectionate.
"Absolutely right. I'm sorry little gentleman." I held my ears and he smirked in return.
"I like you umm.."
"Agastya." I add.
"I like you Agastya." Snehit winks.
"Don't like me, I'm insignificant." I casually replied and he laughed.
"Well it was nice to meet you. But I need to go. Mom must be looking for me."
"Where's your sister?"
"Still in the office. She must be reaching the venue, anytime soon." I nod and Snehit leaves me alone with his eyes still glaring at his iPhone. Lads don't learn until they truly become men. But he nonetheless gave me a new pieces of information. Lavanya's family hates me. Her mom, even her brother. Wonderful! So that's what we call a rivalry?
"Happy Birthday AG, the OG." Not today! I turn around to see the man who just tapped on my shoulder from behind. I hate the owner of this frog like voice. Karan, my high school rival shouldn't have come here today but here he is.
"Who the fuck invited you?" He smirks at my question I asked after finally sparing a glance in his direction. His fake Gucci watch rests on his wrist, his other hand holds the free champagne. What a loser! Even though we chose entirely different lines for our profession yet his jealousy and insecurity never died. Whenever we have met, it has been a brawl.
"Your Dad made sure that no close friend of yours is left behind for your birthday celebration." He raises his hands in surrender dramatically. Dad knows nothing about our rivalry because I never told him about those pity highschool fights. When I begin to walk past him but his next words freeze me at my position.
"I am glad to see that you have finally moved on from Natasha. The new CEO worked wonders." His snide remarks have always been vengeful but today he is crossing all the limits.
"What the fuck do you mean?" I walk up to him, with anger flaring in my body. The mere sight of this man, irks me.
"Easy Agastya easy! I am saying what we all know." He takes a dramatic pause, his ball like big eyes look at me reminding me of a fox. "There's something going on between you and that girl.. Oh I am forgetting the name.. that girl who replaced you and snatched the position of Editor in Chief from a mighty drunkard like you. Seems like she aimed both at your position and you, AG."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I roughly pull him by his collar, his feet not touching the floor anymore.
"She is re launching Highlights as a magazine. Have you ever heard or seen a sixty percent partner doing something like this for a forty percent partner? I must say you charmed her well." His words catch me off guard. What the hell he is saying and why his comments are bothering me? I don't give a flying fuck about this bast*rd's existence.
"I will punch you hard if you don't stop-" I grit on my teeth while his champagne glass had already met its end.
"Natasha would be so happy to see you moving past her and her memories. She would be pleased like anything with this affair.." He spews, however.
"Don't utter her name from your filthy mouth.."
"Its completely alright Agastya. Don't feel burdened. What you are doing is at least better than the game Natasha played with you." My palm grips his jaw in the tightest hold yet he doesn't deter. "At least you didn't sleep with someone else on her back. She is dead and you my friend, are finally happy..." he doesn't get to complete. My already bandaged knuckles again sting with a little blood on them. But Karan called for it. Before he could speak further, I again punched him and more of his blood adorned my knuckles.
This time, he fell on the floor, screaming my name with distaste while I kept on walking away from him, this celebration and all the allegations put up on me.
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A/N : A whirlwind of emotions, reflections and a happening celebration. This package is all yours. Do read, vote and comment.