JERICHO
For the first time since I began being sexually active and made the conscious decision that one night stands, casual, only sex relationships were it for me, I'm having a hard time walking away from a woman. Saying goodbye to Hillary after waking up with her in my arms feels more daunting than it should be.
As I drive away from Jerry's parking lot, where we spent an amazing night together in the backseat of her truck, I cannot help but yearn for her. I even tried to convince her to have breakfast with me for crying out loud, that has never happened to me before. Surely the sex couldn't have been that good, I've had good sex before. Oh, who am I kidding? It was better than good, it was great, incredible, mind-blowing and all other adjectives that can be used to describe just how terrific the night with her was.
Maybe the reason leaving Hillary is so hard is because we got to know each other first before the sex actually happened. I opened up to her in ways I haven't done in a long time and it wasn't that hard either. It's like the minute we started talking I wanted her to know everything about me and in return I'd learn all about her. I barely remember my flings names half the time, how ungentlemanly of me, I know, but Hillary is embedded in my mind and body in a way I find worrying.
I am so fucked.
The fact that I am able to get home without any traffic violations from how distracted I am surprises me. My plan to take a shower and sleep till I need to be up for my shift is thwarted when I walk up to my door and find it slightly ajar. My guard immediately goes up as all exhaustion washes off my body in an instant.
Did I get robbed?
There is no evidence of forced entry but that does little to reassure me. As quietly as I can, I let myself in and grab the bat I keep by the door. Everything seems to be in place which makes me think that I am the one who left the door open until I hear noises coming from the kitchen.
They are still here!
Knowing that I need to defend my home I charge into the kitchen, bat raised high, ready to raise hell only for me to come face to face with my sister!
"Jesus Christ Bella, what are you doing here?" I heave lowering the bat.
My body relaxes but I can still feel my heartbeat skyrocketing.
"Stocking up your fridge." She answers turning my attention to the grocery bags on the kitchen countertop. "What were you doing with that?'
I look at the bat that is still held firmly in my hand and lay it against the kitchen wall. "I thought someone had broken in. Since when do you stock up my kitchen?"
"Since always." She mumbles avoiding eye contact with me.
I scoff and walk further into the kitchen. "Really?"
I grab myself a glass and pour myself some water from the tap, draining it in seconds.
"Yes, I always bring you food. Sandra made two lasagnas last night and asked me to bring you one because you never cook. The groceries were my idea because you never have anything in this house that is not in a can." She explains herself.
"You can keep rambling on and digging yourself deeper into the hole of deceit or you can be honest and tell me that you were looking for an excuse to come see me and ask about yesterday." I retort raising an inquisitive eyebrow at her.
"No. You know I'm not that kind of sister but speaking of, how'd it go yesterday?" She asks as if that's the most innocent question in the world.
I laugh at how she expects me to buy into her bullshit. "And there we go, finally the truth."
Bella sighs knowing she has been caught. "Fine you got me, we were curious and you haven't been picking our calls or responding to messages."
"Maybe because I needed to rest after my twenty-four-hour shift as I wait for a similar one this evening." I defend.
Bella being the only family I have left means we are always in each other's business. Sure we have some extended family but they all ditched us after mom died so it's always been just Bella and I. We like it that way though as we have always been there for each other.
"Says the man getting into his house at dawn in the same clothes he was in last night. And besides I've seen you go for longer shifts after partying all night and still be your best." She replies calling me out.
"Got me there." I say as I start rummaging my cupboards for something I can eat for breakfast.
Bella is right, I never go grocery shopping for myself. I know how to cook but it's not something I particularly enjoy doing so I either eat at the firehouse, at Bella's or order take out. There is a box of cereal in one of the cabinets and Bella was kind enough to bring me milk so I grab a bowl and proceed to make myself breakfast.
"So what happened yesterday E?" Bella asks getting impatient with me.
There is a reason I am not particularly excited to share my fertility clinic visit with her and it's because I am not proud of what happened or in my case didn't happen.
"Nothing happened." I answer when I see the look she's giving me.
"What do you mean?"
She is determined to get me to spell out all the details so I might as well go ahead with it, she won't leave me alone otherwise.
"I couldn't go ahead with it, I was in the room with everything needed to get the job done and I couldn't ... get it up." I explain feeling very ashamed as I recall my disappointing clinic visit.
All that should be behind me by now but there is a battle going on inside me and I am not sure which side is winning.
"You know they have porn in those rooms right?" Bella whispers and I give her a duh look. "Of course you know." She smiles and approaches me putting her arm around my shoulders.
"I really tried Bell but I couldn't." I express feeling very morose about the whole situation.
"It's okay E." She consoles.
"No it's not." I grunt stuffing my face with soggy cereal.
"You still have time, what did the clinic say?"
"They said that it's normal and rescheduled my appointment for another two weeks." I reply.
For some reason I feel as if nothing will have changed in the two weeks. I might go back to that room and even if the porn models are real this time, I still won't be able to get the job done.
"Then you'll get over your mental block by then and if not then you'll accept that it was never meant to be." Bella advises.
"Really?" I mumble scared that I have disappointed her.
When I told Bella and Sandra of my plan, they were elated. They have been supportive of me from the very start and I wanted to do this for them and when it came to it, I couldn't.
"Yes, E, it's no secret between us that you are scared of being a dad, through donation or not, so maybe that is your block and you might never be able to get over it." Bella says.
Her words sound similar to what Hillary told me last night and this morning as well just before we parted ways. But all the same, it does not sit right with me that I committed myself to something only for me to flake out when it mattered most.
"I want to." I admit.
"I know you do but it might not be up to you. Your trauma might win this round." She replies and her words scare me more than anything.
She kisses my temple before stepping away to finish unloading her grocery bags while I have breakfast. Last night Hillary gave me a lot to think about and this morning Bella has just added onto it. I really need to figure all this out before I literally run out of time.
"All done, you'll be good for at least two weeks." Bella tells me as she puts the empty grocery bags away.
"Thanks for coming by siz and for the groceries. Thank Sandra for me." I reply.
"Anytime and I definitely will. Are you free to baby sit tomorrow, I want to take Sandie out on a date?" She asks me.
I smile and nod. "You know I love spending time with my angels, I will be there."
"Good, see you then."
I walk her to the door and lean in to hug her goodbye but just as I am about to pull away I feel her sniff my neck.
"Where were you last night?" She asks pulling away.
"Why?"
"You smell very expensive and feminine. Did you hook up with someone after leaving the clinic?" She gasps.
I had no idea I still have Hillary's scent on me. "No." I chuckle nervously knowing how strongly Bella disagrees with my hookups.
"Yes you did! I mean why would you be getting home this early in the morning?" Bella demands.
"Okay fine, I met someone last night and things escalated." I reply refraining from giving her too many details.
"You, Jericho Ethan Lamar are a wonder." She comments sounding unimpressed by me.
"Why thank you." I grin.
"It was not a compliment. What pleasure do you find in all this sleeping around?" She demands.
"A lot." I chuckle.
"I'm serious E, sleeping around like this is not healthy for you. I know you are anti-marriage but slow down please, there are a lot of unknowns out there nowadays." She advises.
"I hear you and I am always careful." I assure her.
"You better be."
"I am." I repeat.
She looks like she wants to scold me some more but then she checks the time on her watch and changes her mind. "Okay fine, I better go. I have an open house in half an hour."
"Good luck and I will see you tomorrow." I reply.
"Thank you, bring pizza." She requests.
"Yes ma'am." I nod even though I was already going to.
When Uncle E babysits we eat take out and tomorrow is pizza night.
Bella leaves and I close the door making sure to lock it behind her this time. Now that I am all alone I make a beeline for the bathroom. My place is a loft apartment meaning the living room, kitchen and bathroom are all downstairs while my bed, wardrobe and work desk are upstairs. It's not too big nor too small, just perfect for a bachelor like me.
After a quick shower, I walk up the stairs to my bedroom and change into a pair of shorts. The second I lay in my bed my body immediately shuts down from the exhaustion of the past thirty-six hours.
Ten hours later I walk into the firehouse for my shift ready to make a difference one call at a time. I am usually so pumped up for my shift but today I am feeling out of sorts. Even after eight hours of sleep for some reason I still can't get Hillary out of my head.
In an attempt to burn off all the excess tension I decide to work out in the house's gym.
Flashes of last night keep invading my mind, like the look on Hillary's face as she came, the sound of her moans and the taste of her luscious skin. The more I think of her the harder I push myself which leads to me choking up while lifting weights. They all but crush me but luckily enough Ian walks in right on time and saves me.
"Jesus Christ E, are you trying to kill yourself?" He exclaims when he sees how much I was lifting.
"Sorry, got a bit distracted." I reply sitting up.
"And may I ask what has got you this worked up?"
Ian is my best friend and in as much as we are free to talk about anything and everything with each other there are some thing I prefer to keep to myself. However, Ian is a nosy nellie and doesn't know how to let things go so he pushes me after I refuse to answer him.
"How did it go yesterday?" He asks.
Of course he wants to know. He sent me a couple of messages last night and a voicemail but just like Bella's they remained unanswered. At least he didn't barge into my house like my sister did.
"It didn't." I mumble as I shift to the chest press after taking off my sweat drenched tank top leaving me shirtless.
Ian follows me and leans against it looking at me curiously. "Meaning?"
"Meaning it didn't." I answer a little bit too curtly.
"For someone who just got laid, you sure are cranky?" He chuckles.
I look at him confused wondering how in the hell he would know that I had sex yesterday. "Laid?"
"Yeah, you've got scratch marks all over your back." He replies.
I turn my head but there is no way for me to see them. I abandon the chest press and walk up to the wall of mirrors that allows me a better view of my back. Ian is right, my skin is riddled with nail scratches from top to bottom. I didn't even feel Hillary leaving these but then again I was focused on the pleasure we were giving each other.
"Oh, those. Yeah I had a wild night." I reply recalling how passionately feisty Hillary was last night.
"I can tell. I thought you weren't allowed to have sex." Ian reminds me.
God, he's like a dog with a bone. Just won't let go.
"That's before the donation."
Not that I went through with it anyway.
Those words float about in my head but I dare not say them out loud, especially to Ian who is a bigger gossip than the women at the market. The last thing I need is the whole station knowing my business.
"So you decided to have your own party afterwards. Nice. Like self-appreciation, I like that." Ian laughs and I resist the urge to smack the back of his head.
"It was nothing like that." I retort.
"So what was it like?" He asks curiously.
Usually I tell him about my sexual encounters but I want to keep my night with Hillary private. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Why are you holding out on me man, I'm your best friend." He pouts like child who has been denied candy.
"Yes you are but you also have a big mouth on you so like I said, get off my case Ian." I demand giving him a hard look that even he knows not to push any further.
I usually have patience for Ian's exuberance but today I just don't have it in me.
"Okay I won't push any further but you know you can always talk to me right?"
"I know Ian, thanks." I reply feeling like I at least owe him an explanation even if I am not going to tell him the whole story.
Thankfully I am saved by the bell when the alarm goes off alerting us that we are needed out on a call.
"This is not over E." Ian demands as we rush to change into our turnouts.
"Drinks on me after shift, we'll talk then." I reply.
"Now that's what I like to hear." He chuckles and gives me a fist bump.
The call we attend to is a bit brutal. A couple of kids were playing soccer in the drained swimming pool of an abandoned apartment building when it was swallowed up by a sinkhole. There is a reason the whole building was condemned but kids will be kids. Thankfully we are able to save all six boys with minor cuts and bruises.
"Good job team, you did great out there. Time for clean up, I want this rig spick-and-span." Captain Raith demands as soon as we make it back to the station.
"Yes Captain." We all chorus as we look at the mud covered trucks in dismay.
"Lamar, walk with me." Captain Raith requests waving me over.
"Yes Captain?" I ask falling in step with him.
"Don't look so tense, this is a non-official talk." He chuckles the wrinkles in his eyes becoming more profound.
I relax because in as much as we are one huge happy family at the 171, it's never good to be called by the Captain into his office especially after a call. When we get into his office he grabs us both waters from his fridge and hands one to me, ushering me down to a free seat. He sits on the edge of his desk and looks down at me.
"Bella called me this morning." He starts.
Of course she did, that snitching backstabber.
"And the look on your face lets me know you did not want her to." He continues.
"Definitely not sir." I reply.
Captain Raith is more than my boss, he is like a father to me. I look up to him and respect him because he stepped up for me when dad died. He did not have to but he did and for that I will forever be indebted to him. But in as much as he is the closest thing I have to a parent there are some things I don't want him to know about my private life.
"Why didn't you tell me about what you were planning to do?" He inquires.
"I don't know, I guess this is something I wanted to do on my own but I guess in our family, a little privacy is asking for too much." I answer.
"I understand wanting your privacy and I respect it but Bella is worried about you and after she explained everything to me, I understand her reason for concern." He expresses.
"I'm okay Cap." I assure him.
"It's okay if you are not. Jericho, you know I love you like a son right?" He asks.
I nod. "Yes Cap, I know."
"Good, so take what I am about to tell you as something a father would tell a son he loves very much." He says in a tone that piques my interest.
Why do I feel like this is a one on one intervention?
"Okay..."
"I am not going to comment about the sperm donation for now, this talk is about the fact that Bella told me you were unavailable to her all night and only got home at dawn." He says and I nearly laugh.
This situation is so absurd. At almost thirty-five years of age, I am about to get scolded by my boss for having an active sexual life.
"Cap ..." I cut in but he raises his hand to silence me.
"Let me finish. Jericho, this path you have decided for yourself, sleeping with a different woman every night, being scared of commitment and prioritizing work is not right." He expresses with a disappointed look on his face.
"Says the man who hasn't taken a day off in years." I retaliate.
"Don't compare yourself with me. I am almost into my sixties, I have lived my life, I have loved and I have raised incredible children who have their own kids now. My life now is all about my work and my wife and I balance those perfectly. You on the other hand are all about living life on a knifes edge which is not healthy." Captain Raith expresses sounding more disappointed in me than I've ever heard him.
I had no idea that my life choices were such a cause of concern for the people I love. To add insult to an already gaping wound he has to add a few more words that sting more than I would like to admit.
"Your father would not want this kind of life for you."
Of course this is not the life my father would want for me but it's the life I chose for myself and I am happy with it.
"He chose a different path and look to where it led me, orphaned at sixteen." I bite back.
"Jericho ..."
"No Cap, thanks for your concern but I am good. This life that you so disapprove of means that no child or wife of mine will ever have to go through what mom, Bella and I went through. It's my life and I would appreciate it if you respect the decisions that I make. Please." I express passionately.
Captain Raith looks taken aback by my slight outburst but what did he expect getting all up in my business and trying to guilt me into a life I do not want.
"Is that your final decision?" He asks.
"It has been from the moment I joined the academy." I answer confidently.
"Well okay then, I want more for you, I always have but I will try and respect this." He concedes.
"Thank you Cap."
"Anytime, now get back to work." He says dismissively.
I get up to walk out of his office but he calls me back just before I make it out. "Jericho."
"Sir."
"I think what you are doing for Bella and Sandra is admirable." He expresses.
At least there is one thing he approves of.
"Thank you sir." I reply before walking out of his office.
As I leave his office, the conversation I've just has with Captain Raith triggers memories from my talk this morning with Bella. It seems that since her scolding me was not enough she decided to complain about me to the one person we consider a father figure. Of course I know Bella disapproves of my sex life but I didn't expect her to snitch on me.
She never fails to bring up my sexcapades or the fact that I need to be careful. I always am, always have been since we learnt about sexually transmitted diseases in high school.
Last night however I wasn't so careful.
I nearly trip over myself when I recall that not once in the many rounds that we had last night did Hillary and I use protection yet I came in her, multiple times.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
It probably wasn't a good idea to have unprotected sex with a woman looking to have children. I met her at a fertility clinic for crying out loud. I recall her asking me if I was clean but I was too caught up in her addictive kisses to think twice about anything. I'm sure I didn't catch anything from her or give her something in return.
Except for a baby.
Hillary might be pregnant right now and I might never know because I have no way of contacting her. I can use the fertility clinic to track her down but even I know that's a long shot. They might not be into revealing confidential client information to strangers, even if that stranger is another client.
What Hillary and I had was the perfect one-night stand but this time I wish I had broken the rules.
Fuck.