The first word in the journal sent a jolt through him. It triggered a memory – not of the script, but of the voice etched in his soul. While others might hear only the surface similarity between Mishti and Pragati, he knew their voices intimately as his heartbeat. He could differentiate even the subtlest nuances - Pragati's, a touch higher and sweeter, carried a delicate melody contrasting with Mishti's lower, earthier tone. His heart lurched as he recognized the telltale tremor in the voice - she was crying. Despite their brief time together, the depth of their connection spanned lifetimes. It felt as though he'd known her for a lifetime, a paradox he couldn't explain, yet undeniably true. Those details can't be learned in just a few weeks, but that's what happened somehow.
Rooted to the bathroom floor, he couldn't bring himself to leave. Thoughts of being outside the hospital drifted through his mind, the lack of privacy there would prevent him from fully processing the emotions he knew would surface upon reading her words. His father was currently admitted in one of the hospital's premier rooms, a luxury they could afford. The spacious bathroom provided the privacy he wanted, allowing him to gather himself before facing Vijaypath again. This solitude would also alert him when his father awoke, granting him precious time to compose himself.
What he didn't expect was for Mishti to be there. Hearing her voice again sent his heart racing, and he knew if he weren't already seated, his knees would surely tremble, perhaps explaining his inability to move. Unsure of how to react or what to say, his mind and heart were flooded with a whirlwind of emotions, leaving him struggling to simply breathe. But he knew for sure he was relieved. After his father revealed Mishti's unknown whereabouts, it crossed his mind and crushed his heart just thinking about the possibility of never hearing the voice he had grown to love, there she was, steps away in the spacious, white-tiled bathroom. But still, he remained rooted to the spot, unable to move.
He glanced down at the journal in his hands, unconsciously tracing the open page with his fingertips. As he became aware of his actions, he pondered whether his heart had momentarily imagined he was caressing the woman in the next room - the woman he still loved, though he wanted nothing to do with loving her. His mind and heart remained at odds regarding her.
Shaking off his initial shock, he began to comprehend the full meaning of her words. Mishti had a strong intuition about his father's condition. As an intuitive person, she trusted and embraced her innate gifts and qualities, even in moments of vulnerability. Her sixth sense was sharp and something she had always relied upon, and now it had led her here. Mishti was one of the warmest and most caring individuals he had known, openly expressing her emotions and devotion to those she loved. And proof of the latter was the fact that she seemed to be connected to his father. Ritwik couldn't understand how they created such a strong bond. As far as he knew they didn't have a chance to know each other that much while she was still pretending to be her sister. And even then it had been only a month after all. He couldn't find any reasonable explanation for his case - other than a deep and exquisite love – for knowing Mishti so well in such a short time. But his father certainly didn't share the same sort of feelings with the woman who changed his life forever. Yet, she remained the sole person he had contacted in the past eight months, and here she was, guided by her intuition and her genuine concern, checking on his father's well-being.
As his father responded slowly and weakly to Mishti's inquiries, making it almost impossible for Ritwik to understand the words he was saying, one of them seemed to jump into his ears. Rudrakash. Who was this person, and why was his father asking Mishti about him? How could Vijaypath know of this individual, when Mishti had never mentioned him in her diary entries, the only man referenced being her former fiancé, Ruhan? But her answer had been even more unsettling. She admitted she had not brought this Rudrakash person, stating it was not appropriate, her tone implying it was a very poor idea. Before Ritwik could dwell further on the identity of this mysterious figure, he was once again distracted by Mishti's words, as she confessed to praying for his father's well-being each day.
That was one of the things that made it so challenging for Ritwik to let go of the woman who had shattered his heart like no other was the sheer size of her heart and the depth of her caring nature. Her warmth was nearly infectious, radiating outward to embrace and envelop all those around her, including Ritwik. This warmth was impossible for him to ignore or suppress - it was simply too captivating, too alluring to want to be rid of. It was as if Mishti carried an inner light that illuminated everything and everyone within her orbit, rendering them beautiful and clear. This quality, this magnetism, made it exceedingly difficult for Ritwik to truly close the door on her, despite the pain she had caused him.
Her following words stung him a little bit. She referred to him as Vijaypath's oldest son. He had hoped she would address him by name. His thoughts drifted back to the mysterious Rudraksh, whom his father had mentioned. It was clear this individual held significance for Mishti, otherwise his father would not have inquired about him so readily. And now she avoided using his name or something more affectionate than addressing him as his father's oldest son was noteworthy.
Glancing down at the diary in his hands, he momentarily tuned out the conversation on the other side of the door. Of course, he didn't expect her to never love again as she claimed in her entries- she was still young, and he doubted Waheguru Ji would punish her so harshly for something she regretted, even if she didn't regret being intimate with him in the last night they spent together. Yet, the thought of her having moved on hurt him, the speed at which she seemed to have rebuilt her life stinging a bit more. Though eight months was not exactly rapid, he knew he was far from reconciling what had transpired between them. Moving on was something he wouldn't accomplish any time soon but still, she seemed to have rebuilt her life just fine.
Trying not to be bitter about her potential happiness, Ritwik refocused his attention on the conversation he was shamelessly eavesdropping upon, only to be struck once more by the amazing girl who seemed incapable of killing a bug but still broke his heart. She was lecturing Vijaypath about his food habits but the way she did it was so... gentle, loving, and caring that made Ritwik want to simply open the door and kiss her as he had done so many times before, and ignore all the logical reasoning he had in his head. How she cared about his father touched his heart deeply and judging by Vijaypath's words, it had resonated equally with him too.
But her next words struck an even deeper chord. She was talking about him and Rishabh, her words laced with the same love and affection, yet Ritwik's heart fractured once more at the stark realization of the woman who captured and marked her name on every inch of it. She was crying again and this time her emotional state was far more vulnerable than when she had first entered the room, she confessed to still needing his father. It took Vijaypath several seconds to respond, but upon hearing her muffled sniffles, her voice so broken and helpless, he finally found the strength to at least stand up. However, when his father finally voiced his thoughts Ritwik felt his heart dropping and he almost fell on the floor. Vijaypath seemed to be thankful for having a stroke, he could meet him again. It was Ritwik's turn to finally feel the sting of salt upon his weary face as tears welled. This situation was so sad and overwhelming. His father had a serious health problem but he was relieved to know it had been the means to bring his son back. His son was in a foreign country, trying to glue together as many pieces of his heart as possible until it could faintly beat again. And the woman who had caused such immense pain to him was heartbroken because the man she trusted, the father of the man she deceived was now sick.
It took Mishti a few moments to react, but when Ritwik heard her asking if he had returned, his heart leaped in his chest, even as it was saddened by the pain evident in her voice. While he had moved past his vengeful desires, he found some comfort in knowing she still cared for him. Those three simple words conveyed a whirlwind of emotions, only questioning his whereabouts. She was just confirming if he was indeed back from Ireland but still with just a few letters she showed how much his presence would affect her. Maybe just as much as hers affected him.
When his father finally confirmed that he was back Ritwik instantly caught the desperation in her voice. He was too overwhelmed by the many feelings he had in his chest about her and her presence to clearly understand why she was so desperate. She kept saying she should leave and then justifying her presence. Maybe she wasn't ready to see him as much as he wasn't ready to see her. Maybe it was because of this Rudrakash guy that he still had a bad feeling about. Maybe she was ashamed, maybe she was afraid, maybe she was nervous. But it was clear that she at least cared. Cared enough to leave when she realized she couldn't be in the same place as him not because of her feelings, but because of his.
When he heard her steps moving towards the opposite side of the room, Ritwik realized she was leaving. He yearned to go after her, to make his presence known, but once more, he found himself rooted to the spot. Much to his luck she seemed to have paused, and he heard a sound he couldn't quite place, which she soon clarified - she was giving his father her phone number. This small piece of information eased Ritwik's heart, for it meant she was finally letting someone know her whereabouts. If he ever concluded what had transpired between them, he would now have the means to contact her and, at the very least, discuss the events that had unfolded.
His father once again voiced what Ritwik couldn't, what Ritwik even didn't know if he wanted but Mishti seemed adamant about leaving. But before she did it seemed like she had more to say.
"It's not fair to him, Vijay uncle. He should never have to look upon my face again in his life. He need not endure this pain anew, especially when his father has just suffered a stroke. Just focus on your recovery and do not abandon them. Do not abandon him, please. He will not survive without you, Vijay uncle, I know he needs you. He loves you so deeply. I told you he had already forgiven you, and I'm certain he rushed here as quickly as he could. Do not leave him alone."
The anguished manner in which she pleaded with his father on his behalf, the way her voice conveyed the depth of her enduring care for this "Rudrakash" individual, caused Ritwik's heart to skip erratically. It was clear that she still blamed herself for what she did and it didn't seem like she had forgiven herself, but what his father had told him so many times which Ritwik now witnessed firsthand, rang true - Mishti was truly selfless. As she expressed her profound love and concern for his father, it warmed Ritwik's heart, magically gluing more pieces together in a few seconds he had struggled for months to fix, also giving him strength. Yet, this soothing sensation was soon shattered by her confession that his father's forgiveness was the closest she would ever have to Ritwik's. It was heartbreaking to know she thought he would never forgive her, and while he didn't have the answer to that question; he knew his heart desperately wished he could.
However, it was her mention of another man in her life that gave Ritwik the final push to finally make his presence known. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to forgive her, let alone pursue any relationship with her but the pangs of jealousy consumed him from the inside when she confessed she had another man. He didn't even know what he was doing as he opened the door quietly and he barely acknowledged the words leaving his lips.
"So maybe you shouldn't be telling him this right now because it's against his medical recommendations to be emotional."
"Ritwik..."
There was a bit of bitterness in his voice and his father caught as much, though the elder remained unaware that it stemmed from jealousy rather than resentment. And despite her emotional turmoil, Mishti too caught the bitter edge to his tone, though she chose to ignore it, simply grateful to hear his voice again after so many months. For a moment, that was all she could focus on, oblivious to anything else. She didn't see or think of anything else, and she was ready to excuse herself to leave when she finally realized that he wasn't at the room's door. His voice was coming from the opposite side... from the adjacent bathroom's door.
"I'm so sorry, Ritwik. I thought..." she stuttered.
"I should leave, I don't have a right to be here," she whispered to no one as she averted her eyes from him. She didn't even say anything else to Vijaypath before she fled out of the hospital room.
Ritwik didn't expect her to run like that. In truth, he was just as much of an emotional mess as she was. He had not intended to sound so bitter, knowing he had conveyed the wrong message, but he did not want her to be aware of his jealousy towards this Rudrakash. The mere mention of the other man's name reverberated endlessly in his mind. While he remained uncertain about how to proceed with Mishti, he did not want another man to claim her affections while he tried to sort through his thoughts and feelings. He feared that someone outside of his heart and mind would ultimately prevail in the constant internal battle he grappled with. He knew it was selfish and wrong especially if he concluded that she hurt him more than he could honestly forgive and forget.
You won't forgive if you don't forget, Ritwik, his mother's voice was still as clear in his mind as it had been when he was still a kid and had been angry at Rishabh for breaking his favorite toy. While he felt like at some point he could finally say that he was willing to forget what Mishti did and leave it behind them, he didn't know for sure if he would accomplish it. He could forgive her eventually but he wasn't sure if he would ever forget and just as his mother wisely used to say, the former could not be achieved without the latter.
"She thought you weren't in Mumbai," Vijaypath offered, seeing his son standing near the bathroom door. He had been unaware of Ritwik's presence and wished he could read his elder son better than he did. He could see a lot of emotions going on in his face but the only one he could certainly identify was sadness and maybe a bit of confusion.
"I know; I heard the whole conversation," Ritwik replied, his gaze remaining blank.
"So maybe now you can understand what I was talking to you about earlier," the elder man ventured cautiously, uncertain if it was a wise move, he didn't have a clue of what his son was thinking but that was a risk he was willing to take. There was nothing he wanted more than to see his son reconciled with the woman he loved, even though he knew their love had a slim chance of being enough.
Ritwik offered no response, simply moving to sit in the spot Mishti had occupied moments earlier. His nostrils were immediately filled with her scent, not the sweet blend of vanilla and honey he once knew, but rather just her, pure and unadorned - a scent that was endearing to him, a scent that was plain and simply Mishti.
"I want you to have this," Vijaypath said, handing his son the paper bearing Mishti's phone number. "If something happens to me, I want you to let her know, not Arohi. I may not die today or next week, but it will happen someday, and it is my wish that Mishti attends the funeral if she so desires." Vijaypath's shaking hand betrayed the resolve in his voice as he passed the small slip of paper to Ritwik.
"Stop talking about your death, you're not going anywhere, remember?" Ritwik avoided meeting his father's gaze, the thought of losing him still too unsettling, yet he took the paper nonetheless.
"It doesn't matter when it happens, Ritwik, I want you to contact her, she won't come if you're not the one letting her know."
"It doesn't matter when it happens, Ritwik, I want you to contact her - she won't come if you're not the one to let her know."
"Saarbrücken..." Ritwik noted, recognizing the area code before the mobile number. "It makes sense," Vijaypath remarked. Ritwik did not comprehend the significance of Saarbrücken, his mind preoccupied with more pressing questions.
"Who is Rudrakash?" Ritwik asked, unable to contain his curiosity.
"That is something only Mishti can explain to you. I can't share details of her personal life with you, Ritwik, not when I know there is so much that needs to be said between the two of you, while you remain so conflicted about her. Just do not let a name alter anything in your heart. Rudrakash is simply... well, Rudrakash has helped her greatly, and that is all I can say. If you truly wish the best for her, then you should be grateful to him," Vijaypath replied cryptically. This response only served to confirm Ritwik's suspicions - Rudrakash was likely some sort of romantic partner. The veiled confirmation only further overwhelmed Ritwik.
She had no idea where she was going. It seemed like there was no oxygen in her lungs. The moment she realized Ritwik was in the room, her body seemed to act of its own volition, propelling her into a desperate flight. She had never felt such overwhelming distress, unsure whether the sight of the frail Vijaypath or the vulnerable notes in Ritwik's voice had been the more unsettling. Initially, it was the bitterness that had captured her attention, but she knew there was more behind the mask he now wore, even toward her. She had learned during their time together that Ritwik maintained a near-constant façade to conceal his true emotions and reactions, a practice she had observed even in his interactions with Vijaypath and Rishabh at the office. If the circumstances were different and she had a chance to see Ritwik interacting with his father in the hospital she knew he would be wearing one of the thickest masks he had. He would never let his father know how much his condition was affecting him. He would probably acknowledge some of the pain but the depth behind it would be kept as a secret. She suspected the reason he did it with his family was to spare them of worrying about him or something like that but she also suspected that Vijaypath was able to read his son even better than she could. But what saddened her was to know that he now kept those walls firmly in place, even around her - a sensible reaction, given the magnitude of the hurt she had inflicted upon him.
Seeing him had been unexpected and deeply difficult. She had done her utmost to avoid the subject that was impossible to forget, the countless times she had shed tears over the harm she had caused him still pierced her heart, and her feelings for him remained steadfast. And although having Rudrakash helped her more than she could ever have dreamed of, it also made things harder. It reminded her of Ritwik and what she had done to him but especially her feelings. She couldn't pretend they disappeared because they hadn't. Some days she thought they never would. Now, she had only aggravated Ritwik's suffering, during a time when he was hurting with Vijaypath's condition - the last thing he needed. There was nothing she desired more than to be there for him in this agonizing moment, for she felt the weight of it just as heavily, devastated at the thought of how Ritwik and Rishabh, even Arohi, must be coping. The poor girl must have been devastated too but thinking about Ritwik was what broke her heart.
As far as she could understand he only returned after learning of his father's condition, and she need not know him well to imagine the guilt he must be grappling with. Anyone in his position would feel that way, given the circumstances under which he had departed. She reassured Vijaypath that Ritwik had already forgiven him but Ritwik never called his father to tell him so. He probably already reassured his father by now but she knew any person would feel terrible for leaving their parent and only coming back that way. She wished she could Vijaypath knew deep down that Ritwik didn't hate him for what happened back then. Although he felt betrayed by his father, Ritwik would never hold it against Vijaypath. Especially because he knew his father possessed a compassionate heart that always sought the best in people - a quality that made it difficult to maintain animosity.
And here she was giving Vijaypath a reason to betray his son's trust yet again. She doubted she possessed the strength to tell everything that happened since she left Mumbai and how she was planning to come back in a couple of months. Vijaypath had been the sole confidant outside of Saarbrücken, privy to the choices she had made. Not even her parents knew the details of her whereabouts or activities, save for a brief email assuring them of her well-being. She knew she had to be truthful with Vijaypath about the information she was still withholding, and if possible, discuss the events of her weeks in Mumbai, but she lacked the strength to face Ritwik with this new life and future she had made.
The guilt did not seem to fade with the passing months. She still felt devastated by her actions towards Ritwik and the memory of her sister. She also felt guilty for abandoning both of her parents, especially Kunal, when they had just lost their younger daughter. If she didn't have the kind, compassionate people surrounding her, she was unsure if she would have made it. She liked to believe she wasn't delusional, that she didn't fantasize about her life but she sort of did it when she thought that moving to a new city and turning a new page had not erased her problems - only the support of such merciful individuals had provided solace. Yet, it did not change what she had done to Ritwik or her feelings about it. Seeing Vijaypath, the man she had loved as a father, bedridden, and unexpectedly encountering Ritwik, whose affections seemed unchanged, was more than she could bear.
She barely spent the money her father gave her. One of Mishti's first actions upon arriving in Saarbrücken was to secure an assistant editor position at a local publishing house. The owner was a member of the gurudwara's committee she had begun attending to facilitate her employment. The people there were very welcoming and they understood a lot about rebuilding lives. She couldn't have found more solidarity anywhere else and she was thankful to Waheguru ji for taking her there. She didn't have any explanation why she went there out of all places, she just did and she now knew it was because Waheguru ji had prepared everything she needed there. Seeing how he still took care of her after what she did helped her to start forgiving herself and come to terms with the fact that everyone made mistakes. Some were bigger than others to people but to Waheguru ji mistakes were all the same. He forgave her and she should accept it and move on with her life and that's what she tried to do. But she couldn't say she was there yet. She knew she had been forgiven by Waheguru ji but she still had a long road to go to really and genuinely forgive herself. Sometimes she thought she needed to have an honest conversation with Ritwik and let it out of her chest to be able to forgive herself. She knew she had said it all in the diary but she could never be sure if he read the brown section where she tried to explain her reasons and how she felt about herself for doing it to him.
Before she could process another thought, her phone vibrated within her purse. Though she had silenced it during her time in the hospital, she felt the subtle pulsing. Not recognizing the number, but seeing it originated from Mumbai, she answered.
"Hello?"
"I think you should come back to his room, don't take too long, if you're not too far from here," the deep and familiar voice echoed in her mind But before she could respond, he had disconnected the call.
A moment later she finally acknowledged what he said. Why would he request her to return to his father's room? Had something happened to Vijay uncle? As this thought crossed her mind, she felt the true weight of encountering both Noons under these circumstances. Fortunately, she remained within the hospital, for as the realization struck, everything went dark, and she felt herself slipping away.