It's a forbidden pleasure, I said to myself.
A secret is shared between us, yet it's a dangerous game we play. Each touch ignited a fire that threatened to consume the boundaries of us, yet I found myself unable to resist the allure of Klaus' embrace.
I know deep down that what we were doing is a mistake, a reckless gamble that could shatter the foundation of our friendship or whatever it is. Yet, as I traced my fingers along the contours of Klaus' sleeping form beside me, I couldn't help but to like it—despite the fear of the consequences.
I stared at the messages of me and Klaus for the past weeks.
Blair : May pasok ka? Need you now, Klaus.
Blair : Klaus.
Blair : Klaus
Blair : Nicklaus!
Nicklaus : Chill, baby.
Nicklaus : 30 mins pa po.
Nicklaus : Can you wait a little bit?
Blair : Okay. Una na ako sa apartment mo.
Nicklaus : No. Daanan kita mamaya.
Blair : No need. Naka-taxi na ako.
Nicklaus : You don't have a key.
Blair : I'll wait for you there.
Nicklaus : Blair...
Blair : See you :)
He gave me a duplicate key after that happened. I was surprised about it. I never knew our situationship involves having a key now. Pero hindi ako naman nagreklamo.
Blair : Klaus?
Nicklaus : Yes, love...
Blair : Apartment mo ako. Kakatapos ko mag-chill with Dheia. I'm tipsy.
Nicklaus : Alright, love.
Nicklaus : Recit lang saglit. I'll be there soon.
Nicklaus : I have stacked your favorite salads in my fridge.
Blair : Meron?
Blair : Hala, meron nga.
Nicklaus : It's for you.
Blair : Okay :)
Nicklaus : Eat first before I eat you.
Umirap ako.
Hindi ko mabilang kung ilang beses ako nagbo-booty call kay Klaus. I'll go to him whenever I'm bored, whenever I feel like to or whenever I'm drunk. Habang patagal ng patagal, mas madalas na din ang pagkikita namin.
It's like I'm craving for it. I couldn't spend a week without meeting with him. It is starting to feel like a routine for me.
Nicklaus : Miss you.
Nicklaus : H'wag na tayo sumama sa kanila. Kita nalang tayo.
Ngumuso ako. It's the first time he actually asked me first. It had been embarrassing to be the one who always asked for him. I mean, not always, not every day! God, iniisip niya siguro mas horny pa ako kaysa sa kaniya. Well, hindi!
Nagtipa ako ng mensahe.
Blair : We can't. Nagtatampo na si Quinn sa akin.
Nicklaus : Magtatampo din ako.
Blair : We had sex yesterday, Klaus.
Nicklaus : So?
Blair : Masakit pa.
Nicklaus : Patingin.
Umikot ang mata ko.
Blair : Stop it.
Nicklaus : Then, no sex. Just hang out.
Natigilan ako doon. We never "just" hung out before. Kapag nagkikita kami, iyon lamang ang ginagawa namin. It's our hangout thing. Just me and him, under the sheets. So it's a bit surprising.
Blair : We'll hang out with them.
He took a while to reply. Binalewala ko lamang iyon at nagbihis na.
Panibagong gimik na naman ang naisipan nila. Quinn had been bugging me for three days. Hindi kami sumipot ni Klaus noong huling inuman. We had our own body shots, that's why.
I told them I was studying, and Klaus didn't bother to tell his reasons. Hindi na din naman kasi nila tinatanong dahil may sariling buhay si Klaus.
Nauna akong dumating kay Klaus. My friends were already in Ampersand when I arrived. I wore a simple longsleeved off shoulder top and miniskirt with boots. Nagsisimula pa lamang sila noong nakarating ako doon.
Siniko ako ni Quinn. "Blooming mo, ha?"
I smiled. "Stress na nga ako."
"Pagpahingain mo naman kasi ang libro, Blair. Oo na, cum laude ka na. Sayo na!"
They laughed. Umiling iling lamang ako habang pinapanood ko ang tequila na sinasalin ni Jackie para sa akin.
I was drinking my first shot when Klaus arrived. He sat beside me and greeted our friends. Napaubo ako ng kaunti sa pag-upo niya sa tabi ko. I looked at my friends to check if they reacted about it, but they didn't. Ako lang yata ang nag-iisip ng kung ano ano.
"Baka naman hindi lang review ang ginagawa ni Blair," Jackie said, kinindatan niya ako. I couldn't smile. I was nervous she'd know something about us.
Quinn laughed. "Oo nga. Kaya pala fresh. Fresh sa dilig!"
My mouth parted a bit. Nagkatinginan kami ni Klaus. Humalukipkip siya. He poked his inner cheek with his tongue.
"Ah, si Jared ba, B?" Dheia asked.
Quinn clapped and covered her mouth. She looked at me. "Sorry! Nadulas ako."
I bit my lips and just smiled. I could feel Klaus' stare. Nilingon ko siya at pinantaasan ng kilay. Kumunot ang noo niya sa akin.
"Weh? Jared? Ng UB?" Jackie looked surprised. "Kaya siguro nandito siya. Nakita ko siya sa entrance kanina."
Shoot.
I nervously laughed. "Yeah, no, stop it, guys."
Sumandal si Klaus. Juan extended a drink to Klaus while grinning. He just shook his head and turned to me again. I was scared to look at him.
Why would I be? So what, Klaus?
Humupa ang usapan nila. Hindi ko na mabilang kung pang-ilang shot na ang nainom ko. The night started to get wild. People started dancing and shouting in the middle. Mas lalo ding lumalakas ang music na hindi ko na nasundan ang pinag-uusapan nila.
Klaus' hands are behind me. I felt his hand caress my waist. Nilingon ko siya at inalis ang kamay niya sa baywang ko.
He leaned closer. "Jared, huh?"
I pretended to hear nothing. Kinuha ko ang isa pang shot at ininom iyon. Klaus' eyes were stone cold. I feel a bit of his anger. I couldn't read anything else.
"Don't drink too much..." malamig na sabi niya.
Hindi ko siya pinakinggan doon. I laughed when Allen had too much and decided to go to the dancefloor and dance. Humahalaklak kami habang tinatanaw siyang nakikipagsayaw sa mga babae doon.
Klaus' hand landed on my thigh. The lights were dimmed, and it's under the table. Nagkatinginan kami. I swallowed hard.
Nakita kong yumuko si Dheia sa ilalim para pumulot ng kung ano. Huli na nang narealize ko iyon. Nanlalaki ang mga mata niya at laglag ang panga nang magsalubong kami ng tingin.
My eyes widened, and I pushed Klaus' hands away.
Tumikhim ako. Klaus looked at me, namumungay ang mga mata. Kumurap kurap ako at tumayo.
"Ihi lang," paalam ko. Pero hindi ako dumiretso sa restroom.
I could hear them teasing me and saying I'm drunk. Hindi ko sila pinakinggan. I went straight to the dancefloor.
Damn it. You're done, Blair.
Huminto ako nang humarang ang babae sa harapan ko. Imbis na padaanin ako'y sumayaw lamang siya sa harapan ko. I pushed her and made her stop.
I was about to throw hands because of my irritation when someone pulled my waist. Hindi ko na nakita kung saan ako papunta, basta hila hila lamang ako. My vision was spinning. I couldn't even mumble a word properly.
"Stop! Hey!" sigaw ko.
Klaus stopped in front of me. Sinandal niya ako sa gilid. Madilim na sa labas at unti unti akong nilalamon ng lamig. There's no people out here, and I could still hear the music inside.
He gritted his teeth. "I'm taking you home." akmang hihilain ako nang magpapigil ako.
"What? I thought we're gonna have sex tonight? Ayaw mo na?"
Pumikit siya ng mariin. "We're not gonna do that."
"But, Klaus—"
"I said we're not doing that tonight, Blair." madiin ang boses niya.
"Well, why not?"
"You tell me, Blair..." he sighed. "Do you have other plans with some guy tonight?"
"What?" tumaas ang boses ko.
He clenched his jaw. His eyes were mad. Bumuntong hininga siya at kinalma ang sarili niya. While I'm just trying to figure out things about what he said.
Namungay ang mga mata niya sa akin. "Do you like him?"
It's Jared. Tinikom ko ang bibig ko. Umiling ako.
"I don't like it, baby..." he leaned on my shoulder. In an instant, he became so soft. Umiling siya habang nasa balikat ko.
Nakatulala lamang ako. I could feel his breath on my skin.
"What, Klaus?"
"The idea..."
"Of what?"
"Of you with another guy," he whispered.
I closed my eyes. I'm shitting myself. I'm fooling myself. I know that.
"I'm not. It was just Quinn..."
Umahon siya. Namumungay pa din ang mga mata niya sa akin.
Nagkatinginan kami. I licked my lips. "But that's not important. Dheia knows about us, Klaus."
He just stared at me. Hinahanap ko ang kaba o nerbyos sa mga mata niya pero wala akong makita.
"What? Aren't you bothered? She knows, Klaus."
"I don't give a damn, Blair."
Kumunot ang noo ko. "I don't understand."
Humugot siya ng hininga. "Let them."
Lumunok ako.
"Are you crazy?"
Umigting ang mga panga niya. "So, what if they know about us, Blair?"
"You don't understand."
He looked tired. He looked mad again. But he just sighed and rested his forehead on mine. Nakadikit ang kamay ko sa dibdib niya habang pinapakinggan siyang huminga. I closed my eyes.
"Let's not give a damn about anyone." namamaos niyang sabi. "All I think about is you. I don't care if they'd knew."
"I care, Klaus!"
Does it bother you much, hmm, baby?"
Pumikit ako ng mariin. Kumuyom ang palad ko sa dibdib niya. Tumango ako.
"Then, is this really what you want us to be?" he whispered.
"What, Klaus?"
"Like this. Hiding..." mahinahon niyang sabi. "Because I can't do that, Blair."
Umahon ang mukha niya. Nagkatinginan kami. I don't know how much alcohol got into my system, but pain flashes in his eyes. Hinaplos niya ang pisngi ko.
I locked my eyes on him. I sighed. "We can't tell them about us, Klaus."
"Make me understand, baby, please..."
"Whatever it is between us, it's just lust. What do you want us to tell them? That we're together?"
He clenched his jaw.
"We're not, Klaus." I said. "It's just sex."
He stared at me. Like he was begging for something. Namungay ang mga mata niya habang nakatingin sa akin. He clenched his jaw and pushed himself away from me.
Umiling si Klaus at malamig ang tingin sa akin. "I can't hide, Blair. If you want to do that, then do it. But you cannot force me to."
"Klaus..."
Umigting ang panga niya at madilim ang tingin sa akin. "I'll take you home. I want you to rest for tonight."