vent book oooo

vent 1

i literally am trying to force myself to eat and i physically can not, i don't want to go back into the old habit of not eating and forcing myself to throw up everything i do but that's seems to be the only thing that makes it feel better, i'm slipping back into my unhealthy mental state where i physically just stop being a person, everything feels so fucked and i genuinely don't know what to do anymore because life is actually falling apart, my parents are no contact and now i have to be their only form of communication and therapy and i can't fucking handle it. i would've relapsed by now if i had something to do it with. i'm so fucking tired and i feel like an asshole for feeling this way. i'm failing school and i might not even fucking graduate because of how bad it's gotten and i can't fix it. my mom hates me again because im back in my old habits and im only my grades to her, and i can't allow myself to be close to my dad or i become his dumping ground and the thing he takes his anger out on.
i feel like such a fucking failure and disappointment and i don't know what to do anymore. i'm too scared to kill myself but im too tired to live. i don't know why i feel like this and that's the worst part, i feel like i don't deserve to feel like this because i can't find a reason to why. i'm so done with everything and i just wanna cry at this point