Change is here... that much I know.
It wasn't in the way Paradis looks more urbanized than it did before, nor was it in the way there are more stalls in every street. This country still feels the same. It's still the same place where I grew up, found love, and lost the same love I found. It's the place I chose to abandon along with the people that I grew up with.
It was me. The change was in me.
"Mommy, are we there yet?" I automatically smiled when I heard my son's small and sleepy voice. He had just woken up from his nap and he is probably frustrated that we haven't reached our destination yet.
"Five minutes more." I answered, earning an "oh no" from him. "Come on, Gio. Don't be a cranky boy."
"But you've said that more than ten times!" And through the rear-view mirror, I saw him holding up his hands and frowning. "Mommy, I won't be cranky if... and only if you promise to buy me ice cream later."
"I promise, sweetheart. So, you wait patiently."
Gio, you're just like your Dad.
"Annie, my love, I love you but I am so tired already. Please, let's not work out and just binge Big Bang Theory at your house. I'll even make you ramen." Armin said as he was struggling to do more sit-ups while I was just laughing at him while putting weight on his feet.
"Just ten more, baby." I said, trying to motivate him.
"But you've said that more than ten times!" He complained again. "Okay, fine. I won't be cranky anymore if... and only if you promise that we can binge Big Bang Theory later."
"Deal!"
Having Gio wasn't easy. Having a child overall is not easy... especially when you're doing it alone and it's even harder when you weren't given the parental care and love you needed as a child so you grew up having no idea how parenthood works. To face parenthood alone is my choice... but I still wish Armin was with me.
What if he was with me? What would his reaction be when he first hears Gio's heartbeat? How would he react the moment he found out we were having a boy? What about the birth? Would he cry out of happiness? Would he hold Gio and think that he was the luckiest man in the world for having both me and him?
Or is it going to be the opposite?
Is he going to blame me that he had to postpone his dreams just so he could tend to the family he never planned nor wanted in the first place? Will we end up hating each other and give Gio a broken family? Every morning, during breakfast, will we remain silent due to the heavy resentment he holds towards me for choosing to keep the baby?
"I... I have a gift for you." I said, but Armin didn't hear it. His eyes were fixed on the night sky while my hands were behind me, still fiddling with the box that contained the positive pregnancy stick.
"I have so many dreams, Annie." He said, still looking at the stars. "I... I want to become a brilliant pediatrician. I want to become chief of our department. And you know, Annie? I got a job offer in Hizuru!" He turned to look at me and I saw how bright his eyes and smile were.
"That's... that's great."
"They want me to work as a professor in the medical program of a prestigious university. You know, Dr. Lim told me that due to my hardwork and skills, I can be the youngest chief of the pediatrics department in our hospital."
Hearing about his dreams discouraged me to break the news to him.
"This makes me want to not have a family first. I feel like I have so much more to do before becoming a family man. The idea of having children... is something I strictly oppose." I almost broke down crying, but I was able to hold back my tears. I subtly put the box inside my purse again and looked down. "Oh... did you say something earlier?"
"No... no. I am just so proud of you."
Armin, I still wonder about you all the time. Where are you now? Were you able to reach your dreams? Are you in Hizuru? Are you finally the chief of the pediatrics department of Paradis Lifeline General Hospital? Are you happy? Are you finally complete?
Armin... do you wonder about me?